Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Suckling

 The Suckling (Or Sewage Baby) Directed by Francis Teri (1990) Starring Lisa Petruno      
After subjecting myself to the depths of the vilest wickedly cruel garbage on the planet I decided I’d decompress and watch something less offensive. I needed to escape from the self inflicted slime pit and review something wholesome or at least universally despised! Like Steve Harvey would say “Folks be hatin the Suckling!” Does the Suckling Suck? You be the judge! I needed a breather from Nazi’s Cannibals and extremely hairy Italian beavers!, for at least one post!
All the “actors” associated with The Suckling have no other credits, It’s almost as if they all left the acting world and decided to work in a dank warehouse or a dirty gas station then lose their dignity again and work in low budget Hollywood!  Even the director made this, acted in something called “Flesh Eating Mothers” and was never seen or heard from again (somebody should track him down, he’s most likely a janitor at a Community College)!
Michael Gingold, one of the head honcho’s at classic Fangoria played the Suckling and wrote some other dreadful horror flicks. He did some of the commentary for one of the 42 Street Forever DVD’s.  
Big Mama, an ugly clownish prostitute madam runs an abortion clinic. A soggy haired blonde (Lisa Petruno) visits a weird sex club and then shows up at Big Mama’s House (Martin Lawrence would later take on this successful role for that franchise).The place is filled with all kinds of lurid women, my favorite being Cheryl, who looks like a real hooker with a bleached blonde wig and is very sarcastic. Almost everything she says sounds like a filthy version of “Mad magazine’s Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions”. Meanwhile a fake Rae Dawn Chong gives birth to the suckling, and in one of the most inspired scenes, the infant gets flushed down the toilet (with its tiny umbilicle cord trailing behind it). The baby flips around in the sewer and starts morphing as the latex air pockets expand and contract,it grows and mutates for awhile.  Then promptly returns and rips its mother’s head off. Later it traps all of the characters in the crummy brothel and they all bicker like a seedy version of “Monsters are Due On Maple Street”. The hookers, managers and johns are all trapped together. One yuppie starts whining about his BMW and everyone volunteers him as the guy who breaks them out of the house with a chisel. I should mention that this one guy (none of them are credited on IMDB) looks like Marvin of Wendy, Marvin and Wonderdog on the Superfriends, him and the Cheryl character have the best lines!  The gnarled tentacles start rising up from the toilet and wrapping around legs and killing customers. I can only describe the Suckling as looking like a “Googly Eyed Predator” with long candy corn teeth and the ability to turn back into a baby and crawl up wombs. It blinks in the most adorable way. There are some hysterical stop motion scenes and firecracker bullets. Some of the stop motion looks like Art Clokey took a dump on it. The last half of the movie has everyone working together to claw their way out of the house (nobody picks up the phone to get help, keep in mind)! These are the dregs of society after all, so of course no one would be able to figure that out, brilliant work Francis Teri!
Make sure you are nice and fried, I suggest a few beers and some valium, because people have complained how shitty this flick is on IMDB , they haven’t seen The Boneyard! That flick makes The Suckling look like Street Trash!


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