Friday, May 30, 2014

Cannibal Mercenary

Cannibal Mercenary
AKA The Jungle Killers
Directed By Hong Lu Wong
Starring: Lek Songphon
Review by "Machine Gun" Kristin

 The opening credits to "Cannibal Mercenary" show us an alternate title and a mixed bag or real and fake sounding names (Alan English?!). This film is a frightening vision on what seemed like a Thai war against the Viet Cong, filled with sad flashbacks and horrible present images. Each step main character, Sgt. Wilson takes in the very beginning has this massive delay sound. It's a wonder how these guy's asses he's kicking can't prepare for this guy coming around the concrete corner.

I had a hard time watching this movie, trying to piece everything together. I probably thought about it too hard. Many visuals torment Wilson as he fights his way across Thailand (or Vietnam?) with his gang of comrades trailing behind. He constantly thinks about his daughter who has Polio and her doctors voicing their bleak diagnosis. At one point his daughter exclaims in an overdubbed middle aged woman's voice, "Pa, why can't I walk like other kids?" Ah man, cue the water works!

The pacing on this film is a little slow (maybe it's more fun watching with friends), but the final half of the film makes up for it with its gritty harrowing scenes of gore. I wonder how close this film is to any war related situation in real life, past or present. Certain scenes of this movie are filmed at seemingly different times of day. One moment, we see Wilson walking with his buddy on his back in broad daylight and then all of sudden he's in this blueish tint of evening sky. I don't know if this is a simple continuity problem, or it's some sort of intentional hiccup to further prove the mental instability of Wilson and the rest of the cast.

This movie has an eerie score which from what I read, was mostly lifted from "Dawn Of The Dead" (which I haven't seen in awhile). Some music portions actually reminded me more of the opening from "Last House On Dead End Street", where its lead character Terry talks about "lousy drugs". Incidentally, Wilson is offered $500,000 (by a grunting old man who sounds like he's chowing down on a delicious cheeseburger) to fight through the jungle to kill off a drug lord and his flesh eating cronies. Then he's supposed to meet someone named Jumpa who'll tell him exactly where to go from that point. Throughout his journey, Wilson kills a man with a boot to his throat, pressing as hard as he can so his eyes start bulging out. The first lady he picks up in the jungle isn't Jumpa, but a pregnant spy (?) who sexually teases one guy and then cuts his wienie off. This is the first of many penis related annihilations. Another happens with a swollen faced gang whizzing on the poor soldiers. I guess don't tell a stranger you're thirsty next time. This is when the movie just gets weirder and it finally earns it's title as things start to escalate. A particularly realistic, gruesome sight is a knife being hammered into one's head then being devoured.

I couldn't really find much information about the director or cast online. Maybe one of you TOG-devotees knows? There's apparently a few different versions of this movie, cut and uncut otherwise. One review I read stated that a cut version of the film had different scenes and was somehow totally rewritten. I wonder if it was anything like the TV version of "Cheech And Chong's Next Movie" where the entire film is completely different from it's original version. Planet Ass anyone? 

You can watch "Cannibal Mercenary" HERE

You can purchase it HERE

I have no button made for this film at this time, but please feel free to check out what I've got in stock at the moment. As always, lots of random weird movies and more!

I now have a "Cannibal Mercenary" button you can purchase HERE! 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014


Don't forget to pick up your official Axe coloring book!

Axe (or Lisa Lisa, California Axe Massacre) Directed by and starring Frederick R. Friedel (1977).
The last Harry Novak film I watched was one that I'd been warned about by the Severin Films special edition DVD, it would either zonk out my eyesight or fill my brain with enough nightmare fuel that I'd never recover. That film was The Sinful Dwarf, straight from the sausage fingered charnel house. I opted for the non-hardcore insert version so I was spared some of the misery and I'll never make that mistake again (which I'll refer to as The Invitation To Ruin hot tub sex-travaganza)!

Novak had a short lived Epcot style amusement park
   Axe is nothing compared to that other Novak produced monstrosity, but it's still worth checking out. It ended up on the UK "Video Nasty" list, which gave it more notoriety and attention. Censorship always has the reverse effect on keeping it out of the clutches of the underage public and creates a serious demand. Even if it weren't on the list, the film is still a decent independent schlocky crime thriller. 

Alan "Skipper" Hale Jr. in the swinging 70's

   Three mobsters hideout in a dingy motel, one man (played by the director) looks like a 70's wolfman doll with brillo hair. They beat a gay dude named Aubrey to death with a doll, he dresses like Glen Campbell meets Tiny Tim. The three calloused hit men even put out a lit cigar on the victim's tongue to establish the unrelenting punishment they will inflict later. That never actually happens with these inept saps, though there are three deranged well dressed creeps, this is not even on the same psychological "Last House" torture level, you might assume Axe would evolve into.

I know what you're thinking, is that patchouli or wolf's bane

    The three characters resemble gangsters but it's never actually established. Lomax and the crew head over to a small town, where the people seem like they have zero backbones. Through out the film, the score is slightly reminiscent to the Colin Towns one for The Haunting Of Julia and there's a bass thud that periodically happens. 
A poor cashier at a grocery store with no security, is forced to take off her dress by gunpoint and they shoot apples off her head.  

Clean up on aisle me

  Meanwhile down at a farm a woman feeds her catatonic grandfather raw eggs from a chicken she just beheaded with a hatchet. This is the intimidating murder weapon advertised on the poster, a puny baby sized hatchet! It reminds me of that Kids In The Hall sketch, were Dave Foley goes into a suburban housewife's abode to borrow a bigger axe, here's a clip of that (LINK).

Do you really have to eat chicken for breakfast?

   Lisa (Leslie Lee), who sort of looks like Susan Dey attempts to slash her wrists with a straight razor, but is interrupted by the wolfy looking fellow who they call Billy Boy.
During a late night rape scene, loud screams are heard, but Lisa's mouth never opens (a minor production slip up). There's some loud neck sawing as she hacks through one of the gangster's trachea. Lisa erases the crime Zoe Tamerelis style by butchering the corpse in the bathtub--I mean she is a farm girl after all.

Why does your beard smell like Cumin?

   Billy the wolfman is an idiotic pushover and helps her carry the dismembered corpse in a treasure chest up the stairs as poster paint looking blood leaks all over the floor.
Everytime she murders someone, the wolf guy asks, what happened, then Lisa says "I dunno they left"! Billy must be the dumbest character in history or is subconsciously glad his pals are dead. That's the equivalent to a serial killer saying "I accidentally found them that way".

My eyeballs! everything is so drab and 70's

Axe has some of the most hideous fashions (look out, you may catch a polyester eye sore) and doesn't have to try to be entertaining, because I was immediately captivated. The camera work and shots are effective, but there's little to no carnage. I question if it should even be considered a horror movie, it's more of a psychological thriller.


Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Big Alligator River

Big Alligator River (Il fiume del grande caimano,The Great Alligator ) Directed By Sergio Martino, Starring Mel Ferrer (1979).
There are certain movies where the soundtrack is better then the film. That's not the case here, but Stelvio Cipriani's score is one I was familiar with before I'd even viewed a frame of The Great Alligator. There's an assortment of alligator waltzes synthesized bass heavy dirges and even boogie woogies. As for director Sergio Martino, his brilliant jungle pig fucking opus/cannibal adventure starring Stacy Keach in Mountain of the Cannibal God, convinced me that I was in for a treat. I was relieved to discover that no animals where harmed, well sort of...
   It gets dicey in the jungle, Sergio fell in with the peer pressure of the Italian mondo neo realistic cycle and staged the deaths of a few innocent creatures (check out the DVD extras and the neon green cartoon leaves inserted over a stage hand force feeding a live monkey to a snake). I don't forgive him for this, just like I don't condone whatever horrors Ruggero Deodato or Umberto Lenzi have committed for the sake of "art" in the name of cruelty. It just comes with the territory in the harsh conditions of the jungle, people tend to lose their minds, I mean just look at Francis Ford Coppola or Werner Herzog's time in the amazon.

I only see vile obscenity and misery in the jungle

The pacing in Big Alligator River (or The Great Alligator) moves along like a hyper snail. Mel Ferrer is the cannibal genre's lucky charm, usually his role is so brief that he's a guest star, in this, he sticks around throughout the entire duration. 
   "Mr. Anthropophagus himself", George Eastman is credited with writing this film, along with a few others. If you can stand the first half which is a typical island romp, then you are rewarded with an all out reptile chomp-a-thon, so stick around for that. 

Is that an armadillo in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

   Mel Ferrer plays Joshua, he's a sleazy and yet affable investor who proclaims this jungle region an ecologists dream and resembles a gapped toothed Gerry Anderson Supermarionette. They land their helicopter over at the Paradise House with Sheena (or the "Black Eve" as Mel calls her) and are welcomed by Barbara Bach. Not everything is bright and cheery as Romano Puppo, another puppet looking fellow, throws live pigs over the side of a boat so the crocodiles will show up and delight the tourists. I'm used to seeing Puppo in every other Mad Max/ Warriors rip off carrying a flamethrower.
   Italian horror fans will freak out that Tony, the black pimp from Demons (Bobby Rhodes) shows up, speaking in a Jamaican (or sometimes Hindu) accent.

Hey Maann, gimme a refreshin' Red Stripe

   Frequent Martino actor Claudio Cassinelli plays Daniel, a journalist taking shots of the savages in action. Tragically in reality, he was killed in a helicopter crash during the filming of Hands Of Steel
   I'm still confused by the Mel Ferrer appearances in various cannibal films and there's zero information on the subject (believe me, I've been obsessively looking)! This is his most animated performance and he slugs it out with the team, battling flying arrows from the natives who worship a crocodile God.
   The first half is very plot heavy, that is until the crocodile chomps on Sheena and her boyfriend. Their death footage is really murky and shot in a day-for-night style (seriously when has anyone benefitted from using that ugly film technique besides Larry Buchanan)!  
   Silvia Collatina, the little redheaded girl from House By The Cemetery and Murder Rock is at her most toothlessly adorable here. In an alternate reality scenario it would be great if she guest starred on a very special episode of Different Strokes, what I wouldn't give to see Gary Coleman and Bob team up to set traps for Dr. Freudstein!

Whatchooo talkin bout Mr. Fulci

    Some foreign party people show up, one dude jumps in the water and says "Yay! even if you shit on yourself, nobody will see it in here!"There's some of that priceless Eastman dialogue! I mean "Shit happens when you party naked"! 
   There's no poop, but there is a giant fence that keeps the big alligator at bay. The same natives seen dancing in the hotel lobby are the crocodile cult adorned with wicker basket handy crafts. Zoologists should stay clear of this film because apparently the writers have no idea there's a difference between an Alligator and a Crocodile--but I doubt anyone with a science degree is settling in for a nightcap with a Jaws-rip off (then again Goat Scrote is my science and biology expert-- so no offense to those college educated TOG readers)!

Stay in school kids!

   Barbara Bach (Mrs. Ringo Starr) seems to know more than the journalist about their rituals and customs. It turns out Sheena's accidental death upset the tribe, still one of the natives joins the white people and together they all try to solve the mystery.
   Richard "Mr. Zombi 2, the boat can leave now" Johnson shows up as a crazy unkempt hermit that lives in a cave. Zombie was filmed the same year, so I'm not sure if he hopped on over during a break from the Fulci island of Matool to play this role (maybe they were adjacent islands).
The guy at Walgreens photo tipped me off to this murderous Gator

  There's a little too much plot but just wait because there's some of the most insanely cheesy alligator effects that will knock your socks off! Sometimes it looks ginormous, other times it looks like a tiny bath toy! 

It's not a thrift store toy in a kiddie pool, I swear!

   They toss in the Jaws elements of the rich white guy (in that it was the evil mayor) wanting to latch onto that tourism dollar and not push the panic button just yet. Mel Ferrer is pretty stiff as an actor but for some reason, he's really good in this role. There were some elements that reminded me of Jaws 3, like the steel fence that keeps the gator out and the tourist trap being threatened (maybe this film inspired it). I may be giving Sergio "monkey javelin" Martino too much credit!

These are some great shots for Taint magazine!

   During the last twenty minutes, the gator turns into an eating machine as people flop into the water-- there's very little blood unfortunately but it's hilarious! Those that escape the wraith of the hungry gator get pulverized on land by the savages flaming arrows! The pissed off reptile continues to go from huge to bath size (sometimes it's just a pair of floating jaws). The most ridiculous part involves an oxygen tank underwater and a car that looks like a submerged hot wheels van. 


The Goat can leave now tell the shoe...wait I fucked up

Can I get Car Talk on this thing-ama-jig?


Monday, May 26, 2014

Point/ Counterpoint Review: The Candy Snatchers

From Time to Time we branch out and try something different, in the past we had a word brawl over Night Of The Demon between Crank and Skunkape.
Tonight on the program we've invited Heavyweight film snob Kris Gilpin to chime in about one of his favorite flicks and Cranky will chip in his two bits on the subject.

To celebrate the first time TCM has ever aired The Candy Snatchers, we bring you this is battle to the death, two critics enter the arena and no one leaves.

The Candy Snatchers is a film that I've avoided revisiting because my expectations going in were high when I bought the bootleg VHS. I haven't seen it all pristine or in the widescreen format, it's a serious fetish problem I have with VHS, I should've re-evaluated the film when it was released on DVD way back when, but since it showed up on TCM underground, I felt I'd been hasty in my original dislike for the film. So I'm revisiting it without the video grain or full screen hangups. There're only a few films I've unfairly designated to the video dumpster, it's a sickness only a handful of people can relate to. I'm glad I watched it again because at the time I wasn't ready for this type of pot-boiled sleeper, but I can finally appreciate it.

Kris Gilpin:
Yes, the Subversive Cinema DVD transfer is good & uncut, with some nice extras, a small poster & 3 stills in the box. 

Crank: Kris, you ignorant cunt!
The poster art and desperate unhinged characters are like my fave exploitation classic "Last House on the Left", but the similarities are very minor. The film was inspired by the very real incident of Barbara Mackle, a 16 yr old girl who was kidnapped and confined to a coffin with a breathing apparatus. She was used in exchange for ransom money by three criminals. Wiki link.

the real Candy, "Barbara Jane Mackle"

Didn't know this was a true story! I thought the woman who plays Candy's mom was very familiar, but I can't place her face from any other film (thought she was the mom in Craven's Last House, but I seem to be wrong on that). Susan Sennett, who played Candy, was in Big Bad Mama & in 1977 she married musician Graham Nash. It was director Guerdon Trueblood's only feature & his boy played the mute kid in the film ("Mute has best lines!" proclaimed the Miami Herald in their review ;-).

He stole all the best lines

That kid really steals the show!
Eddie, a chubby Krug-esque heavy is more sympathetic than even the sniveling junior character from "Last House", an inbred weasel with a giant egghead or Alan (Brad David) and an there's an even sexier Sadie (Tiffany Bolling) as Alan's sister Jessie, they round out the inept diamond heisters. According to Wiki, Bolling was a coke fiend who only acted in this for money and is embarrassed by it.
Kris could give you the real story since he interviewed her.

Yes, I was lucky & happy to get to interview the sweet, lovely & sexy Tiffany Bolling (reprinted now on TempleofSchlock.Com), she's a Christian now & doesn't like any of her old skin flicks. Didn't know/remember she was reportedly a coke fiend, tho!

Crank: It's probably bullshit, or it could be on the DVD commentary, which I hear is very informative.
Jeramie Rain shares her detest for "Last House" as well, according to Szulkin's comprehensive "Making of Last House" book. She's off her rocker in my opinion and claims "Last House" is the worst thing she's ever appeared in and she was in 3 movies.

Mrs. Rain would rather be remembered as Richard Dreyfuss' ex-wife then LHOTL

Wow, didn't know she felt that way about LHotL, either.

YEAH I know, I don't understand it, these actresses should be proud of their exploitation work, warts and all! 
The schmaltzy, awkward folk music has the same jarring contrast as the David Hess famed score. The title song "Money is the Root of All Happiness" really sets the odd tone.

Yeah, it's a cheesy song, right in line with the overall fun, cheesiness of some of the camerawork, bloodletting & acting. Also: they wear big-noses-with-glasses disguises when they kidnap cute Candy, a medicine bottle has a handwritten "Rx" label on it, there is dialogue like, "How'd it go?" "Like a Greek watch!", an old dick character says, "What kinda kid doesn't talk?!" & then laughs hysterically, a corpse's eyelash moves when it's ear is cut off, a simplistic car chase had to be sped up, etc.

What kind of kid doesn't talk BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shawn, a mute, autistic child, is the only witness to the burial of Candy. He's surrounded by the worst parental figures, who most likely wouldn't believe him even if he could talk. Later on his mother forces him to swallow downers.

Yeah & the audience laughed when the kid uses the gun off-screen at the film's end (uber-bitch Mom!).

abusive mom who beats and drugs her autistic kid

Candy gaggles and whimpers like a chicken after they take her to a remote cabin, plan to slice her ear off and send it to her father. My favorite part is when a black morgue attendant who sells random dead body parts, sings the prices to the squeamish criminals.

Even the Grinch carved the roast beast

Yeah & I loved when he said to them, "...think about all them [dead]'s too late to fuck!"

Chubby Krug acts like a mother hen to Candy and dreams about owning his own bowling alley bar. And as Jessie is stripped by him, slapped around in sped up motion and then defiled, she whimpers about wanting a mink coat.
I like how there's a guy with an iron-on Coors Breakfast of Champions shirt, it's so cool one of the criminals steals it.

Papa Jupiter wants an ice cold Coors for Breakfast!

Yeah & that actor, James Whitworth, was Papa Jupiter in the original Hills Have Eyes! ;-)

Crank: That's cool, I had no idea.
This film has some of the most psychotic abusive paternal figures--case in point--Candy's stepdad, who wants her dead because he'll get rich! The sleaziest part happens when the egghead dude rapes Candy as the autistic kid watches from the rafters, he justifies the forced entry by saying she shouldn't die a virgin. Shawn calling the deli using his windup police doll to talk, reminds me of the mute kid in Over the Edge who sends everyone to jail.
That consistent thread of drugged out, irresponsible, desperate authority, abusing their kids and taking the law into their own hands, is what I love about the 70s grindhouse era. Among a hundred other things I could list.

Do you smell bacon?

Kris: Right! I never did catch Over the Edge, tho. & I love The Candy Snatcher's other moments of cheese, like when Tiffy says to one of the goons, "Don't throw away that cigarette, it's evidence!" meanwhile she seals an envelope with her own saliva while handling it with her bare fingers (was 1973 pre-DNA?!), one bad guy shows his uncovered face to the ransomed-Candy's father from the get go & the flick has a bit of a downer ending, which virtually never happens in movies anymore. All in all, this is still a fun, entertaining, classick Shit Flick!

No Wait! That envelope is laced with Thallium!

Crank: I gotta mention there's a really good punk band specifically named after this movie. They routinely obliterated their instruments on stage and almost every other album cover looked like a wrasslin match. The singer would be covered in real blood and they were maniacs who sometimes did jail time, sadly their guitar played Matt Dietus was found dead. If you like The Devil Dogs or The Lazy Cowgirls, Crypt Records type signed bands, you'll dig them.

OK thanks for joining me on tonight's show and next time let's fight more. The Candy Snatchers verdict is that we came to a gentlemen's agreement and both highly recommend the film.

Friday, May 23, 2014

The Headhunter

The Head hunter (The Killer in Love, Lie tou, Long goodbye). Directed By Lau Shing-Hon Starring Chow Yun Fat (1982).  

Right from the start there's a severed head in the jungle, chopsocky dubbing and mass confusion because this is the grainiest Chow Yun-fat flick I've ever seen. The negatives looked like they were rescued from the dumpster and spliced together with a butter knife. I'm used to the sleek Woo/Chow team of excitement, tenderness and bone crunching action, but this film came out years before they ever met. This movie is best left in the forgotten pile of embarrassing shit, don't waste your time, it totally sucks! 
   The lighting here is on the grimy level of Bare Knuckles, which some people trash, but as far as I'm concerned, it's one of the best Don Edmonds flicks ever. That film takes what rotten filth it has and turns it into something fun and likeable, Head Hunter is the cinematic equivalent to garbage juice slithering at the bottom of a dumpster. 
Fat is a Nam vet who's brought his expert killing skills to the streets of Hong Kong, his tubby shades wearing boss makes a deal with him.
   After a confusing shaky cam Vietnam flashback we're throw head first into a sweaty disco! So put make sure you slip on your boogie shoes--if I had a gun in my mouth--I would've pulled the trigger already, so I wouldn't have to finish this review. 
   Eventually the promised murder ordered by the stocky mob boss is delivered in a dank, foggy, hard to see location.
   Next an ultra slow sex scene occurs while synth rock plays, you'd think this may have persuaded me to enjoy the film alittle more, but you'd be wrong!
Every struggling actor has their skeletons in the closet, but this one is mind boggling to me, the fact that it's in the Deep Red catalog and on Amazon Prime streaming. It's too easy for some unsuspecting victim to walk into and make them depressed for the rest of the week.
Everything about it is clumsy and uneven, it should be designated for bad Kung fu cinephiles only.

   Some of the nam flashbacks are bright agent orange, get it? The lighting is nonexistent, you'd get more professional results from a chimp with a camera strapped to his head.
There are characters on the screen but I can't decipher what's happening half the time.
Vickie lee is a sassy news anchor, trying to investigate a scuzzy hotel where a dead body was found. Their office has giant file cabinets and ringing phones so you know it's a dedicated news team.Vicky tries to investigate a poisonous gas leak and an irresponsible corporation that's responsible.
   The second act tries to cover up the botched job of the first half and does a pitiful job. I wonder if the director was replaced midway through (Hong Kong MD, which I can normally rely on for the rarest info, must have given up like I did on Head Hunter)! 
This is the kind of action flick you could vacuum while it's on, walk your dog or brush your teeth and miss almost nothing.
Like a million other HK productions and Bruno Mattei, Goblin's Dawn of the Dead music is ripped off. The absence of screen caps is on purpose for a few reasons, I didn't want to suffer again through this wretched bore and the film is so dark, that you can't make out anything that's happening.

GIVES INSTANT WATCHING A BAD NAME! Watch the dullest John Woo film over this shit!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Kris Gilpin Interviews: Mr. X, Confessions of a Porno Cinematographer

TOG's interpretation of Mr. X in his rumpus room

Confessions Of A Porno Cinematographer
By Kris Gilpin

Here's a Disclaimer that Goat Scrote provided:
We specialize in the objectionable, but sometimes something comes along that is so spectacularly offensive that it’s worth a little extra preparation. Lubing things up, if you will, to avoid unnecessary discomfort. This interview occurred in 1988, which may or may not seem like a very long time ago. There had never been a gay kiss on U.S. network television. Same-sex marriage wasn't even under discussion yet, the idea was so unthinkably radical that the possibility had never even occurred to most people. This was before you could type the word “transsexual” into a search engine and see dozens of examples of surgically-crafted genitals alongside personal diaries about the transition experience. There wasn’t even a “Jerry Springer Show” yet, to bring secret cross-dressers and diaper-wearing food-fetishists out of their closets and into the living rooms of America. In any case, some of the things Mr. X has to say could be construed as being not very fucking nice, so just try to remember that this article represents a snapshot of the experiences, attitudes, and judgements of one person at a particular moment in time, and nothing more than that, mmmmkay? But seriously, if you think you might be offended, this is your last chance to fuck off and read about something a little less raunchy.

While working as the apprentice film editor on MGM's In The Heat Of The Night
(for television), I met an assistant editor in an adjacent cutting room (he was working on an action series for an independent network). My new friend, who did not wish to be identified in this interview (let's just call him Mr. X, shall we?), is a very funny fellow, and I found we had many interests in common, such as British comedy (The Goon Show, Derek & Clive) and CD-only record shops. 
   The convo somehow got around to porno, as I discovered he had shot a 16mm, silent John Holmes epic in the late 60's (I had written four porno books in early 1980 in New York City--where else?--but that, as Gonad the Barbarian might grunt, is another story). So in the interest of our wanting to subject you, gentle reader, to the depths of human degradation and depravity, it was in that spirit this interview was conducted.
   Also of note is that this talk took place on the evening of March 10th, 1988--two days before Holmes died of complications from AIDS.

R.I.P. Johnny Wadd

Kris Gilpin: So how'd you get the job?

Mr. X: I knew the director's sister (he did not wish to name him); I got involved in shooting a natural birth; she had introduced me to this couple who wanted to have a natural birth photographed, which I did for them. This sister's brother saw the film, loved my photography and asked me if I'd do this (porno film) for him. I was out of money at the time, I had no job and it meant working Friday night, all day Saturday and all day Sunday. And I got a nice price for it. Then he asked me to cut the film, which I refused to do, so he did it then he asked me to come in once and a whaler to look at some of his cutting. Then I was no longer involved with it; in fact, I never saw the finished print of the film. Then that was the last I ever hear of him; he never called me again, and I don't know whatever happened to him.

KG: So you shot this porno flick called Enjoy, in two days and one night. How much did they pay you?

Mr. X: $400.

KG: What was the director like to work with?

Mr. X: He was O.K. He was a nice guy; he didn't push me around, or anybody else.

KG: What was John Holmes like?

Mr. X: A snob, not very nice and arrogant.

KG: A "big prick", so to speak.

Mr. X: Yeah, there you go (chuckles); I didn't really care too much for his personality. There were certain scenes in which the director would ask him, "Could we do this and do that?" And he'd answer. No, that's it; that's good enough." Like a couple of blow-job scenes the director wanted done a certain way, or done over. Holmes hadn't cum yet, but he said "No no, that's good enough; you got it. Let's go". In fact, I was on a (camera) crane, and he'd just walk under me saying, "No, I gotta go." But yet, he got his money.

KG: What's you reaction to the news he's dying of AIDS?

Mr. X: Well, I really could care less about him, because I really don't approve at what he made his living at; from what I was told, he's been doing this ever since he was 16, and that's all he did. He started out posing for stills, gradually went into films, then started producing and directing some of his own. So I have no sympathy for him at all; he's gone AC/DC, you know.

Once you AC there's no comin back to DC

KG: Any other "big" names in the cast?

Mr. X: No, but there was a lot of other people, and there was a married couple of performers who'd been in other pornos and had done a lot of still work. There were five to eight women--I can't remember that far back--the same with the men. One young man was 18, and the women were up to their late 30s. We even had some transsexuals; we just photographed them; we didn't show them having sex. There were two men who had breasts and small penises and testicles; one man had already had his operation, so he had breasts, and had his penis and testicles removed.

KG: He already had a vagina?

Mr. X: Yes, and it was.   .   . very ugly. We shot the transsexuals on a bed, playing with themselves; most of them were alone. Some of the women had very large clitorises and we showed how they protruded out of their vaginas [dear reader, does it make you feel dirty reading this? Because it makes me feel unclean just to type it!-KG]. And of course we had them just showing different sizes and shapes (of vaginas), which they'd open and close, and I'd have to zoom into them. The transsexuals were mainly just standing and posing, just to show you what they looked like. That was the whole premise of Enjoy: no matter what you look like or how you're shaped, you can still enjoy sex. And then we had guys just standing, showing the different sizes of erections; the camera was not on when a woman, who was hired just for this purpose, would suck them to an erection. Then she'd get out of camera range, so you saw them before and after (erections).

KG: But this was hard-core right?

Mr. X: Oh yes, we had a few couples fucking. The main thing was showing Holmes off. And we had a girl who was made to look like a teenager; she had braids I'll never forget. I panned from Holmes's face down to his dick, she was sucking him off. Then there was this 18-year-old kid who had a small penis to begin with, but then they put ice cubes behind his balls to make it even smaller. It was to show a comparison, because this 18-year-old kid and John Holmes standing next to each other was just a sight to be seen. And backtracking now, the man who was made into a woman was really a strange-looking human because he had breasts that looked like a fat mans--maybe a little bit bigger--and he had woman's hair. Then when I had to photograph his--or her--vagina it was just not normal looking, because it want straight and clean; it was almost jagged and you could almost see the scar tissue. And yet he,she, was married to a man who didn't know she'd had an operation; in fact, when we photographed this person, we had to put a pillowcase over his head--her head--its head.

KG: This sounds like one of those "old" 16mm silent loops.

Mr. X: Yes, with a music transfer, and I'd estimate it was between 45 minutes and one hour long. It was really underground. It was shot in a large loft somewhere on Las Palmas Blvd. near Hollywood Blvd. It was above a store and it was very, very large. In the beginning of the film we just showed you different forms--different sizes and shapes--of human beings; we got a lot of college people in. Then it ends with a whole big number with a man and a woman who really went through the whole number of foreplay and having sex. While he was screwing her we had a black backdrop, a black cloth, behind their white bodies. Then he came too soon, so we had to stop and he had to replenish himself by eating raw eggs. Then we went back and they continued again and, before he came, we had to stop everything, take the black backdrop away and put up a white one. And then, from the same camera position, he came, and that was supposed to be the "climax".

Raw eggs are also perfect for winning pie eating contests

KG: Did it feel awkward for you to shoot people fucking?

Mr. X: Yeah, at first it was because I'd never done anything like that before, and it was alittle embarrassing. There were the stagehands around of course, and there were about five elderly men sitting at card-table chairs, watching, because they put up the money. Then we did a crane shot, straight down to the couple, then gradually craned down and around to their side view, got close-ups between their legs and of their hands and her breasts, then I zoomed in for the cum shot. The first day I walked into the room, and off to the right there was this smaller room in which people were undressing and walking around nude. And one woman, who was fully dressed, was trimming pubic hairs on the men and the women so it'd look nice; then they had make-up put on their bodies. There was this young couple, boyfriend and girlfriend, from UCLA; we showed him standing there in the nude, then he went and sat down while this girl blew him, with his girlfriend sitting right next to them. Then he said to the director, "I had an accident"--he'd cum in her mouth--and he didn't know how he could get another hard-on. So his girlfriend volunteered to do it, but they wanted to do it in privacy, so they went into the bathroom and she gave him head.And the girl who was hired to give blowjobs was stripped to the waist; she had very large breasts, so while the guys were being sucked off, they could play with her tits at the same time.

KG: Did you see anything else that shocked or disgusted you?

Mr. X: The guy who''d already had his operation grossed me out; that was really unpleasant to look at, yet I had to get between the legs and photograph it as the vagina was being opened, and zoom into it. I had to make sure the light was getting in there to show what it looked like--it was not a pretty picture!

KG: Was there any other prima donna bullshit from the other "actors"?

Mr. X: The young couple was actually married, and we'd take breaks every once in awhile where we'd get into this little room and sit around to talk. The young wife had already had a baby--I think he was around three years old--and she said that when the boy got old enough, she was gonna teach him all about sex, and that she was gonna have sex with him.

KG: Sick shit; she wanted to have sex with her son?!

Mr. X: Not wanted to, but as sort of an educational thing; she'd be his first piece, to show the boy what it was all about. And the father agreed it was the best way, and that if they had a daughter, he'd do the same thing. Everybody sat around and mainly talked about their sexual attitudes and experiences; everyone there thought sex was a must and, no matter how you did it, it was OK.

KG: Any other stories? They ask you to make any more films?

Mr. X: The guy who rented the facilities to us came over and asked me, during one of the breaks, if I'd like to, and I said OK because I needed the money and I thought I could do it again. So I went to see him but then I got a little scared because, sitting all around the walls, were men only--young men. That came as a bit of a jolt, because I've never wanted anything to do with homosexuals; I thought for sure it was gonna be men and women. And when I got there and it was only men, and some of them were teenagers, I said noway am I gonna get involved with this! The guy was kind of sorry, because he'd already seen some of my footage and he'd liked what I show, and the way I shot it. But I said, "I'm not gonna do this," and I left, never to be seen or heard from again. And the director had liked what I'd done. I think he had the performers sign some sort of release saying it was O.K. with them to be photographed having sex. One of the women who applied the make-up was older but very well-preserved, and she giggled at the sex on a few occasions; it being without any sound, it was O.K. No one cared; they liked her reaction. You could see she was getting warmed up by it all; she was cute; it was fun to watch her. And to get the 18 years old, the director and one of the gaffers went out on Hollywood Blvd. and found a kid, paid him and brought him in. And while he was holding the ice cubes behind his balls, the kid kept saying, "You know, I may have a small cock but I do well with the women; they like me because I'm good looking."

KG: What name did you use in the credits?

Mr. X: I didn't have a credit; there was no credit to who photographed the film.

KG: What was the one thing you walked away from the experience with?

Mr. X: It made me feel as though I were in Hades, that it was something you might see going on in Hades, with everyone walking around naked and having sex, and doing every little crazy thing there is to do with sex. It was a weird feeling because I'd never been involved with anything like that in my entire career, coming from shooting educational films, using teenagers and college students.

KG: Did it scare you, like you were going against God or something?

Mr. X: Oh, yeah; I feel like I was doing something wrong but I thought, I cant help it; I need the money. In fact, months later when it was all over, I though, Well, I can never do that again, and I hope that I'm never so down and out that I have to stoop that low again.

KG: If someone offered you some good bucks, would you do it again?

Mr. X: Well, I would have to give it a lot more thought. Maybe, you know, because it seems we're sort of lax these days about that. It's really hard for me to figure out, unless it really happened. I don't know.

KG: What did you shoot after that?

Mr. X: I went back into shooting more educational films for schools. Then I went to work for  .  .  .a large company (laughs; he means a movie studio he doesn't wish to name). I got back into the union as a cameraman, and all of a sudden I wound up getting in as a film editor, so there I stayed.

KG: Any last thoughts or words on that sordid weekend?

Mr. X: I just look at it as an experience. It was weird, strange, and its history; I did it. Not that I'm proud of it, but it's an experience that I did. And it's over with.
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