Monday, May 22, 2017

Crocodile aka Chorakhe 1979

-Reviewed by Skunkape-

Directed by Sompote Sands (1979)

Why yes, another Jaws rip off. Shot cheap in Thailand and partly produced by the infamous Dick Randall, this giant reptile replaces the shark with the uninspired title simply known as Crocodile.

"Momma said, crocodiles are so angry because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush."

Out of the opening credits a narrator lets us know that, “from the very beginning man has been trying to destroy nature, and that one day nature could rebel.”  Well, sometimes we need to destroy it; after all we need to build homes , cool record stores, bowling allies and other shit, so there! However, I don’t think nature's with me and the movie kicks off with a deadly hurricane destroying a small village. Yeah, you really got your revenge nature, one small village, is that the best you can do?  Next a giant water spout forms, it reaches the clouds and we see a crocodile splashing in the water, barely, because the picture is so dark that I can't really see what the hell is going on.

 While eating dinner we meet two doctors, one married with a daughter and the other one about to tie the knot. The group is discussing the inclement weather and one of the ladies asks if the storm was caused by atomic blasts. Hmmm, so did crocodile create the bad weather, or was it the nuclear blasts and if it was the blasts then it must of been radiation that caused the croc to grow extra large and become super aggressive, right? I don’t think we ever really know and who really cares? I'm just ready to see some crocodile carnage at this point!

"Look the waiter is getting eaten by a croc, LOL"

"Go out deep, nothing to worry about."

"Stop, that tickles!"

The two devoted doctors plan one last get together before the big wedding date, they want a little fun in the sun. The movie tries to trick us when the bride to be pretends to drown. Real mature lady, great example for the kid too. I guess she was just foreshadowing her own demise because it isn’t too much later that both ladies and the kid are devoured by the croc.  

"My families dead but even worse, I'm back in school!"
'Hey you, Croco-smile for the camera."

After the tragedy, Dr. Tony Akom (basically Chief Brody) takes a leave of absence from his job and won’t rest until he finds out exactly what happened to his family. While he’s slowly discovering that this was no shark job, our giant crocodile continues wreaking havoc on small villages, destroying fruit stands, eating naked children along with a monkey and a cape buffalo.(I think that was a cape buffalo?) As Steve Irwin used to say, "He's a bit grumpy." The streak of mayhem seems to have a pattern and it clues the doc to where the beast might strike next.

Cape Buffalo Wings

12 year old boys doing full frontal nudity, just what every film needs! yuck!

I'm not going to list any of the films stars because the only real star of the film is the bad dubbing. It's what makes the dull parts, and there are many, so entertaining. For example when the Dr. is sulking over the death of his family, he has a flash back of his daughter talking about how she's learning to swim and has a new inner tube to help her out, well, you just can't help but giggle and snort milk out your nose. My all time favorite ridiculous dubbing has got to be Cannibal Mercenary with Calamity of Snakes as the runner up.

Once the two doctors know what they're up against they find a Quint and begin their search and destroy mission. But will they need a bigger boat? Hell YES!

"I'll get you the jaws, the torso, the scrotum, the taint, the..."

Well, time to go down and sing, Show Me The Way Home."

This is just pure Z grade crap that is pretty darn entertaining. If you haven't seen it, your not missing much, but if you love Jaws rip offs and "When Animals Attack" type films add it to your movie bucket list. The film does have a mondo moment where a crocodile is sliced open at a market by a food vendor, Whether it was already dead or killed for the film I don't know, but it's clear that director Sands must of been watching some Deodato or Lenzi flicks.

Only Recommended for people who love Giant reptiles or fans of super silly dubbing. These two things put together make this a clear winner for this Smelly Ape!

Check out this Gut's Exclusive! We tracked down one of the Crocodiles who acted in this film. He was only in the X-rated version that was re-titled CrocoLingus for the European markets.
Hear what he had to say and watch the long lost newly restored trailer!

Which version do you prefer?

and if you get CrocoLingus fever 
and you're rich, grab some merch!

Monday, May 8, 2017


Pandemonium Directed By Alfred Sole, Starring Carol Kane (1982).

This was actually a Commander USA Groovie Movie pick according to the Youtube video I watched it on but it still counts in my book! The Commander was always a welcome site while channel surfing in the late 80s, he was portrayed by Jim Hendricks, a struggling actor and part time cabbie. He had that hipster Ghoulardi style lingo down, only with more of a Jersey gripe. There's a cool interview with him on Temple Of Schlock (link). And he also showed up in American Scary, the horror host documentary.

 It’s to be seen on your drug of choice, not that we condone that sort of thing Sargent Stadanko. My brain almost erupted from my skull cavity when I discovered that Alfred Sole, the same dude who directed the ultra creepy, masterful slasher Alice Sweet Alice, made this one as well. I would say that everyone must've been clamoring to appear in his next film, but then I forgot about the abysmal Tuna's Island (I mean Tanya's Island review here ). Let’s see—there’s a bazillion B-rate and cult celebs in this one. We’ve got Pee Wee Herman who has a coke snorting horse, David” Squiggy Lander, Tab Hunter, Carol Kane, who does a Carrie impression decades before all the weak ass remakes clogged up the cinematic toilet. A pre-Fast Times Judge Reinhold, Phil Hartman-- OK, Jeez, you get it there’s enough famous people to sink the Love Boat! The main character is a mid 30’s cheerleader played by Candice Azzara (who is allegedly related to my Aunt Beatty, at least that’s what my dad mentioned when we watched Fatso with Dom Deluise when I was a youngster).
It’s on the cheesy level of a shitty horror parody like Rockula or Full Moon High but more Laugh-in or Carol Burnett Vaudeville style tongue in cheek. Tab Hunter possibly thought this was Grease 3, or just needed a quick paycheck. Actually the style of humor is a lot like D.C. Follies, I still can't believe that Freddy Krueger showed up on an episode.  

quit Bogarting those rails ya stupid fucking horse!

Carol Kane shoots red lasers out of her eye sockets and they goof on Carrie, it’s more funny in a ‘what the fuck am I watching kind of way”, now would be a good time to smoke up or drink some high gravity Steel Reserve, it’ll help I promise.

Debra Lee Scott, who I think is strangely attractive is featured. When I mentioned her on Twitter, Skunkape said she looked like Carrot Top. This is the guy who used to bring in Fatliners, a morbidly obese porn to terrify students in our TV production class. Judge Reinhold has a hideous bleach blonde dye job. The most disappointing part of the film is that there are tons of hot chicks and not of them take off their clothes. One girl gets a drill with a toothbrush attached shoved down her throat but that's just icky, not sexy. I mean if you're that dentist character in Bloodsucking Freaks you might get a boner.

This is less humiliating than Ishtar but on the same level as Kimmy Schmidt

There’s a really offensive part where they have a Japanese airline with the stewardess dressed like Godzilla and they do that mock "ching chongy" Asian accent--NOT COOL. Candice, who has really nice boobs, gets into a bath tub filled with milk and is surrounded by those Repo Man style generic cookies, why? Because it’s supposed to be funny? It's definitely a goofy experience and shouldn't be watched sober but I dug it!

the secret sauce at Captain Hook Fish & Chips is semen.

Alright, so until next year, this is USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK signing off, our last ditch effort to drag in more readers! Reflect Jack Handy style on what's been written for the next few weeks, remember it's only a blog and reading is fundamental or something. Thanks to everyone who helped out! We dedicate this week to not only the ghosts of the USA pre-internet network but also to James Harris (Dr. Terror) who we lost to cancer last month.



Sunday, May 7, 2017

USA UP ALL NIGHT: Under the Rainbow

-Reviewed by Skunkape-

Crooning, preferably in a Gilbert Gottfried voice : "Somewhere, under the rainbow." 
That's right I said under! 
Directed by Steve Rash 1981

This film is a so called comedy about casting the Munchkins for the Wizard of Oz. It stars funny man Chevy Chase and Princess Leia herself Carrie Fisher. Actually, who are we kidding?  The real stars are the little people who made this film possible. It has the legendary Billy Barty as a Nazi vs. Cork Hubbert, who is sort of the Dorothy of this flick. Speaking of  "Legend"ary, both actors would reunite in 1985 for the Ridley Scott fantasy film; Barty as Screwball and Hubbert as Brown Tom. There's also Tony "Bad Santa" Cox and Phil "Troll" Fondacaro! Jerry Maren an orginal member of the Lollipop Guild is a hotel guest, he even boasts parts in such classics like Little Cigars and Terror in Tiny Town. It's even got Ralphus from Bloodsucking Freaks, believe me if I ever spot him there will be an update with a screenshot.

Barty                                      Hubbert

The convoluted story begins when Rollo Sweet (Hubbert) falls off a roof trying to fix an antenna. He's knocked out, could the rest of the film just be a dream?! Cut to Otto Kriegling (Barty) receiving instructions from Hitler, his assignment, pick up a top secret map from a Japanese man in a white suit. The pick up will be made at the Hotel Rainbow. Sounds easy right? Nope, unfortunately a bus carrying the Japanese Amateur Film Society crashes right near the hotel and everybody on it is wearing a white suit. That's only the first of the many extra ordinary problems that Otto will have to go through to try and obtain this map.

"This is what I asked the Wizard for!
"and you were there, and you." Cut it out the movie just started!

Inglorious Munchkins 

Chevy Chase plays a G-Man protecting a Duke who believes that someone is trying to assassinate him, and someone is, you can probably guess where they made their reservations. Carrie Fisher is the special casting agent in charge of the munchkins, she books rooms for over 150 little people, who of course are all staying at the Hotel Rainbow.

"We need Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis!"

"I say we all sneak into Carrie Fisher's Dressing Room."

The idea of this movie is nothing short of genius but just can't find it's groove. Never the less, entertaining start to finish. Most of the jokes fall flat but every now and then something will cause a genuine laugh. Billy Barty is terrific, I was horrified to find out he won a Razzie for Male, most annoying fake accent. Really?

"They like me they really like me, oh wait, no they don't."

The movie often relies on you to laugh at little people just because their little, but other times it gives these actors a chance to show their comedic skills. In one scene, drunk munchkins catapult the hotel manager Adam Arkin off the balcony and on to a chandelier. He yells back at them "You deserve to be short!"

HELP, There's no place like home, no place like home.

A lot of the humor revolves around death. The Assassin (Robert Donner) who's after the Duke accidentally keeps killing his dog, Strudel. The dog gets replaced each time with a look a like so his wife never finds out. The writer must have really hated Toto or something! When he's not killing canines, his botched attempts wind up knocking off the amateur Japanese photographers. Since dead Japanese people aren't good publicity for the hotel, the management just hides them in a meat locker. A meat locker that Carrie Fisher gets stuck in only wearing her bra and underwear. (oh, now you'll watch it)
And on top of all this, little people partying their asses off, even a few get cray cray in their flying monkey costumes!

Jabba the Hutt's second choice for her slave outfit.

The hotel now serves Japanese cuisine.

Now that's method acting!

You'll be quite surprised how many familiar faces you'll see watching this. Poltergeist's Zelda Rubinstein even shows up! It's strange that this movie seemed to stay off the radar for so long. It was on HBO all the time when I was youngster and I loved watching it. There is one dog death scene that freaked me the hell out from my youth, Chase throws a ball that goes over the balcony and we hear the haunting squeak of the dog toy while the 4th Strudel falls to his death. (Erok/Crank Edit note, the actor who plays The Duke was Joseph Maher from the annoying dog episode of Seinfeld and was Molloch in the Charles Bronson classic The Evil That Men Do)

Playing fetch with Fletch!

"Carol Ann stay away from the light and head toward the yellow brick road!"

"Mrs. Louisa Moritz, you're needed on the set of Last American Virgin."

"Twink Caplan, how bout a date at Breadables?" 

This episode aired on January 29th 1989 and was followed by The Equalizer 2000.
My final thought is, you should definitely stay Up All Night for this one! If your looking for a double feature try watching "Tip Toes" with Matthew McConaughey right after! You won't have to ask the Wonderful Wizard of Oz for a brain to enjoy either one.

Thanks for reading and don't forget to follow me on Twitter!

Saturday, May 6, 2017

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama (1988)
Dir. David DeCoteau

Reviewed By Goat Scrote

     The pastel opening titles and upbeat synth-rock let you know that you are entering a time vortex back to the 1980s, when fashions were awesomely bitchin’ and everything was just a little more radically tubular than it is now. “Sorority Babes” starts off as a formulaic 80’s teen sex comedy which takes a left turn into a goofy C-grade horror story. It’s an extremely stupid but fun film with quite generous helpings of T&A. The version I saw on the USA Network must have been cut to hell in order for it to be aired on TV. There’s no significant gore, but plenty of full nudity.

     One of the more notable things about the movie is that it is packed to the brim with female icons of B-horror. The tough biker chick with a heart of gold is played by legend Linnea Quigley.  Scream queen Michelle Bauer is Lisa, a sorority pledge undergoing initiation. Taffy, the other pledge, is played by model, actress, and marine biologist - I kid you not - Brinke Stevens. I have tremendous respect for anyone with a range of accomplishments like hers!

Freud would have something to say about this.

    Trashmeister David DeCoteau has directed everything from gay porn to sappy children’s films in his prolific career, but one of his staples is cheesy horror with plenty of skin on display. In other films he has made an admirable attempt to be an equal-opportunity purveyor of sleaze by getting attractive members of both sexes to take off their clothes. In “Sorority Babes” it’s almost entirely the female body on display, but they are rather fetching bodies. I suspect this has something to do with the lasting appeal of this flick!
     The movie opens on three dorky college boys hanging around looking for something to do. Jimmie (Hal Havins) and Keith (John Stuart Wildman) hatch a scheme to spy on the Tri-Delta sorority initiation. They drag along their friend Calvin (Andras Jones). Calvin is watching DeCoteau’s movie "Creepozoids" (1987) during this scene.

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

     At the “Felta Delta” house, queen bee Babs (Robin Stille) and her minions Frankie (Carla Baron) and Rhonda (Kathi O’Brecht) haze their sorority pledges. The two girls, Lisa and Taffy (Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens), are stripped to their undies and paddled over the back of a couch. Next they are sprayed all over with whipped cream, to the great delight of the boys watching from outside.

     The three stooges decide to sneak into the house to spy on the pledges showering off the mess. They get to see plenty of boobs and bush before they get caught. The creatively sadistic ringleader, Babs, has them over a barrel. Either they do what she says or she calls the cops and reports the three peeping-tom housebreakers.
Bowling Dicks, coming soon to CBS

     The pledges are forced to team up with the pervs to break into the bowling alley at the local mall. They must steal a trophy to prove they were there. What the pledges don’t know is that Babs’ father owns the mall, so she plans to watch the hijinks from the mall security control room and mess with the pledges. The mall security cameras have excellent audio pickups so she can listen, too. Whatever.

     While breaking in, Babs and her minions accidentally lock the mall janitor in a room without noticing. The foul-mouthed janitor is played by the ubiquitous George “Buck” Flower, under the name C.D. LaFleur. This is the same alias he adopted when he appeared in the first two “Ilsa” films. I can see Flowers distancing himself from the degenerate “Ilsa” series, but come on Buck, “Sorority Babes” was just a slightly naughty teen sex comedy with an evil muppet. Anyway, I think the janitor should have been the hero who saves the day and ends up with Linnea Quigley, because I have a soft spot for ol’ Buck and his grizzled charm.
You look like...
Linnea Quigley?!?

     Inside the bowling alley the five intrepid burglars encounter someone else breaking into the cash register, the spandex-clad Spider (Linnea Quigley). There is some badly written, badly delivered ‘catty’ dialogue between the pledges and Spider. Calvin tries awkwardly hitting on Spider and she shuts him down repeatedly.

     The kids grab the biggest trophy but on their way out, it gets broken and releases light and mist. The trophy was prison to the wisecracking, wish-granting demon Uncle Impie (Michael Sonye, using the alias Dukey Flyswatter for some reason). He has a deep voice which sounds like a cross between a game-show host and a pimp, and is the furthest possible thing from scary. (Crank the ed. here. Dukey Flyswatter was in "Hollwood Chainsaw Hookers" (1988) and was one of the titular villains in "Surf Nazis Must Die" (1987). He also had a band called Haunted Garage.)

Move over Cat's Eye troll, here comes Uncle Impie!
     Impie offers everyone a single wish. Spider and Calvin warn the others about possible consequences and their general mistrust of Uncle Impie, but the others decide to make their simple-minded dreams come true. Jimmie wishes for gold and a bunch of gold ingots appear. Taffy wishes to be prom queen and gets an instant Cinderella makeover. Keith wishes to bone Lisa, and they depart for a locker room to have a little privacy.

     The Imp forces Babs into the game by turning her minions into his minions. Frankie changes into the Bride of Frankenstein, while Rhonda develops a severe case of slimy green monster-face. When Babs tries to flee the mall she is zapped by a magical barrier and knocked unconscious.
Don't be so negative, Rhonda.

     Around now the wishes start turning bad. The gold is painted wood and the prom dress is rags. Then Monsterface and the Bride suddenly attack. Jimmie gets his face worked over in a ball cleaner, then he gets decapitated and Monsterface goes bowling with his head.

     Spider and Calvin barricade themselves in a storage room but are found by Monsterface. Luckily, some careless employee has left a handgun and a couple of bullets laying around. What the fuck…? Spider shoots Monsterface, which only stops her temporarily.
Bitch, don't test me. I will swallow your soul.

     Prom Queen Taffy is terrorized by the Bride. When Taffy takes a club to her crazed pursuer it just slows down the magic-fueled monster. Taffy ends up getting caught between both evil minions, who have a “Taffy pull”… har har, get it? She is pulled in two off-camera while being used as the rope in their tug-of-war.

     Keith and Lisa are still making out, but she is being way too aggressive and he is having second thoughts about the ethics of mind-controlling another person into having sex with him. Keith leaves her there so he can have a moment to think, only to get his face deep-fried in the kitchen by Monsterface.
Extreme ambush makeover!

     Babs is hiding behind the lanes in the bowling alley when she is cornered by the Imp. He explains that his purpose is to torment human beings. Monsterface shows up for a tussle, and ends up falling down on one of the lanes, where she is bowled to death by Spider! How the hell do you score that?

     The janitor eventually escapes the closet. He meets up with the other survivors and fills in the backstory. The imp was summoned decades before to help a guy who was a wiz at black magic but not so hot when it came to his bowling scores. When Impie started killing people, it was trapped inside the bowling trophy. Sure, good enough explanation for me.
No! Wire! Hangers!
Nothing a little foundation
and some blush can't fix.


     Babs the Dominatrix finds Lisa alone, in her lingerie, and she pulls out a whip and a giant black paddle. She kills Lisa with the paddle off-screen. Spider is elsewhere making Molotov cocktails when Babs attacks her. They get into a major cat-fight before the evil dominatrix gets Molotoved. The janitor is stabbed to death in his hideout by the Bride. Then the evil minion chases Spider and Calvin with an axe, but is herself decapitated. The Bride's head strikes the door of the mall and Impie's magic cancels itself out, giving them an exit. Spider sends Calvin to get his car, but Monsterface is in the back seat, still kicking after all. They crash and the car flips. 

     Meanwhile Spider sneaks up and catches the imp in a tobacco tin, ending his brief reign of terror. Total body count: 8. They leave the tin with the imp in it sitting on the sidewalk in front of the bowling alley, which seems pretty fucking irresponsible. Maybe they were hoping for a sequel. Calvin crawls out of the wreck more or less unhurt and rides away with Spider on the back of her bike. She is taking him back to her place to have wild steamy sticky pity sex. Talk about a happy ending for Calvin!

I'm SO sure.
Horror heroine uses yonic weapon to deal with the
domineering masculinity of the villain, symbolically
enfolding him in her womb and taking away his power,
proving this is actually a highly intellectual feminist film.
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