Wednesday, April 30, 2014


Eyeball (1975)
AKA Gatti rossi in un labirinto di vetro
AKA The Secret Killer

Starring: Martine Brochard, John Richardson
Directed By: Umberto Lenzi

Review By: "Machine Gun" Kristin

SPOILERS! (*Zoinks!*) 

The poster for this film, "Eyeball" definitely surpasses the film, which is always a bummer. I didn't think the movie was as terrible as said through some various sources, including its "dog" rating from the Deep Red catalog itself. This movie is pretty far removed from calling it a gore film since it's maybe 20% bloody and too obscure to find a cult Lifetime channel movie type status. I'd say it's more mystery than horror, but being directed by Umberto Lenzi ("Cannibal Ferox") might just give it the Italian horror title, but it's probably more towards the Giallo side of the genre. Giallos a lot of times are like soap operas or romance novels. 

We follow a nervous wreck of a woman named Alma (Marta May), popping pills on a plane bound for Spain which is where this whole movie takes place. I kinda wondered if Umberto had some frequent flyer miles to blow and decided to make a movie around that so he could be surrounded by really good looking women for a couple of months. We end up hanging out with an odd batch of travelers making goofy remarks about America, led by a completely insane tour guy with a penchant for scaring people with fake spiders. As soon as they start "sight"-seeing (harhar, see what I did there?), an innocent girl is knifed to death. Her eyeball is removed, leaving a dark spot over her face. We're bounced around from one failed theory to another as to who's committing these same exact killings, which occur a few times. It's fun to guess who it may or not be, because thankfully I didn't guess it right, so at least there's that sense of interest to keep you watching. I mean, you might as well "see" it through right?  (sorry, I'll stop with the puns). There's some nice scenery, some kool outfits ("look" at the stewardess on the plane!), a discotheque, and even a creepy haunted house ride. We end up seeing part of that sequence twice in the pretty lazy opening credit display of a hodge podge of scenes that don't have anything to do with another. They might have been trying to string together some symbolism with the various red raincoats and night robes shown throughout, but who knows. I certainly know they thought people would appreciate the cute lesbian couple or the multiple pairs of boobs dispersed through the movie. haha. 

The music in the film was sort of maudlin and kinda bland. It was a bit repetitious, since they used the same two pieces over and over. The first one sounded like the traditional power ballad type opening keyboard notes, which kept making me think of that horrid "Don't Speak" song by No Doubt, getting stuck in my head. Then the other piece of music sounding just like the theme from CAN"T THINK OF IT FOR THE LIFE OF ME! Anyone? Anyone?

Anyway, there are better movies than this of the genre, but it's not as awful as people say it is. Just be warned, it's very tame. 

Check out the trailer for "Eyeball":

Make sure you follow me on Instagram to check out my cult movie, etc buttons that I make and sell. Here's one I made just for this review. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Assault: Jack The Ripper

Assault Jack The Ripper Directed By Yasuharu Hasebe, Starring Tamaki Katsura 1976.
Down at a fancy bakery restaurant, a curly haired waitress and a cake decorator's relationship begins to blossom. The girl hates her job and is ridiculed and pushed around by the customers. They drive around together through a rainstorm as a wonky hitch hiker jumps in, strips naked and smears wedding cake over her breasts. 
   This is a "Pinky Violence" flick from the fine folks at the Nikkatsu studio, and is a totally new breed of subgenre, anything usually goes (see Star Of David: Hunting Beautiful Girls for an example). They are overtly explicit and always mix demented subtext with constant nudity (minus public hair, which the Japanese censors have a phobia of).

Do you guys like Headcheese Sushi roll?

   The hot Japanese version of Edwin Neal, cuts into her own arm, all the while giggling like the famous Chainsaw relative. They kick her out of the station wagon and leave her in the rain. Bad luck begins to thrive as they drag her dead naked body toward a junkyard and accidentally split her open on a piece of jagged metal. 

You're telling me this doesn't give you a boner?
   The fear and blood, violently turns them both on and they ravenously hump. 
The next day, instead of pursuing their relationship, the baker ignores the waitress and she in turn tries to make him jealous. She has a 69 in a car with a random old man customer as her "new boyfriend" sits outside and broods. All the sex is obstructed by creative chairs or angles that strategically get in the way of genitalia like in Austin Powers

Murdering people makes me crave the syrupy taste of Coke

   Coke makes a very special perverted use of product placement. The waitress and her partner get turned on by kidnappings and causing car accidents but other then that don't seem to get along. They callously gut a school girl in an abandoned bowling alley with a cake knife as cheery Captain and Tennille style music plays to signify their pleasure over their random slayings. 
   Assault treats sadistic violence like it's a bucket of oysters and champagne, it celebrates the destruction of innocent lives. The juxtaposition of torture and violence peppered with inappropriate slap happy music in intentional. It's capped off with a really fucked up scene, where a women with a dog is abducted, humiliated then stabbed in the vagina! 

Relax that cervix, I'm a pro at this

   Again it's treated for laughs and the tone is never downbeat, almost as if they expect the audience to be as sexually excited as the characters in the film. The worst part is that there are no repercussions for the thrill killings. The sexual violence never stops and almost gets tedious. There's absolutely no authority or police presence, in this version of Tokyo, they don't exist. That being said, I immensely enjoyed this bleak comedy, which is definitely not for everyone, it's very barbaric, misogynistic, horrifying and yet also hilarious! As for the title I can't figure it out, there's obviously no connection.
Available to rent via Netflix on DVD.

Dammnit I peed hotsauce again

Monday, April 28, 2014

Messalina Messalina

Messalina, Messalina (Caligula 2, Empress Of Rome,) Directed By Bruno Corbucci, Starring Anneka Di Lorenzo (1977).
There has been alot of dull garbage in the catalog lately, I'm basically scrapping the bottom of the barrel now. I'm not too worried because there's always more scum and remnants of good trash to be unearthed. Plus there are many other sources and catalogs (Threat Theatre, Mondo Macabro, Gore Gazette, Psychotronic, SWV, etc.) with goodies that fit in with the exploitation film circuit or stuff in league with all the Deep Red laserdiscs dubbed onto VHS tapes. It has the potential to last for years, so fear not dear readers!

Video Pirates Inspire me to dig deeper into the vaults and find something better

   I've never cared for the Sword and Sandal scene or Peplums and this film does not change my mind at all. It's pretty corny, there are alot of unfunny jokes, nudity (that doesn't enhance any shred of your enjoyment) and maybe 10 minutes of blood shed. I'd say this is tailor made for those with a historical boner for Caligula-Mania and all related Greek accessories.
   So who was Valeria Messalina anyhow? She was an insatiable slut who used political power against her gullible husband Claudius. Her sexuality was an instrument of embarrassment (which seems impossible in the lusty, fuck-anything-that-moves state of Rome)! For her attempt at tricking a partner into joining up and overthrowing Claudius' rule, she was stabbed to death.
   Even for a Western Civilization story, this doesn't seem like a choice subject for anyone, let alone an accomplished director like Bruno Corbucci to tackle. But maybe I just don't get it! Or perhaps it should remain a forgotten mistake by all involved!
   It starts off like a Mel Brooks production of Greek tragedy, only if the script was written by the guy at the craft services table instead. Tomas Millian, the main actor in many impressive Italian Police Action flicks and Spaghetti Westerns is wasted here. The credits actually mention a disclaimer that says the Bob Guccioni Caligula set was used without consent!
The dubbing is very goofy in Messalina, as the empress of Rome has her centurions out measuring penis sizes and capturing slaves for her to screw around with.
   The actor who plays Claudius (Vittorio Caprioli) is all wrong, he farts a lot and if I was five I doubt I'd even think this was funny.
   Tiberius Narcissus is another featured historical character that hangs around doing nothing important. When Messalina has sex with her first chosen stud, she and her husband bicker at each other in a very 70's unfunny/ miserable fashion like the LockHorns comic strip or the Ropers (on Three's Company) if they had sex.

My Queen, shall I set up more board meetings?
   There's almost as many scenes of dull congressional meetings as in The Phantom Menace!
Tomas Millian, who plays a brash loud mouthed hunchback with an afro, most likely hung out on the set to score some hot babes or was hard up for the money!
Claudius watches the hunchback insult the Empress, dressed incognito among the slaves. This part was mildly interesting, considering that he would spy on his wife out in the village.

I need to hitch a ride on an eagle to fly me out of this shitty movie

   Corbucci is out of his element and the only explanation I can think as to why he took on this production is because he had it out for Tinto Brass. He's not channeling Joe D'Amato or even Bruno Mattei, when he sadly should be, there's a criticism you'll likely to never hear again!
The last thing I watched by the Django director was Aladdin, which was head and shoulders above this Falafel stuffed with turds and shattered glass!
   The immature dopey sense of humor is pretty monotonous, I doubt anyone who hasn't taken a Western Civ. class would even bother sitting thru this junk.
The actress that plays the title character Anneka Di Lorenzo is very attractive, I had seen her in Rape Squad before and oddly enough didn't notice her.

What time is it, time to shut off the movie

   I heard from Psychotronic Video that people were slipping around in pools of blood, but that finally was not worth sticking around for.
   She calls one man who refuses her horny clutches a "faggot" and then has lesbian sex with her own sister, now who's calling the Humus, chick pea dip?
   The usually likeable Millian makes a lot of feces jokes and generally wears out his welcome.
There are zero characters to like or identify with, so it's pretty much a waste of time from beginning till end, like most peplums.

Messalina was the original Kardashian

   The lead actress gets naked a lot, but even if they cleaned up this washed out squiggly Youtube print, the jokes and situations are still tedious and dull as shit.
   It all ends in a bloody battle where severed arms splurt out blood and severed heads are kicked around. It all adds up to nothing however and was a supreme waste of time.


Punishment for giving it a thumbs up

Saturday, April 26, 2014

The Last Shark

The Last Shark Directed By Enzo G. Castellari Starring Vic Morrow (1981).
This film opens with an italio-disco ditty crammed with unintelligible lyrics that mention cocaine will mess up your brain as a windsurfer boogies the fuck down. This guy must be a local celebrity because everyone on the beach is cheering him on, even a DJ in a sweet satin jacket. Soon enough it looks like Mike the windsurfer is about to turn into chum because a hungry shark (with zero theme music to warn us) is on the loose. I wonder if Guido and Maurizio (of Oliver Onions infamy) had a song in mind and scrapped it once Spielberg's lawyers came busting down their hacienda.
   The fake Chief Brody (or in this case Peter Benchley--Ahem-- I mean Peter Benton) is played by the star of Beneath The Planet Of The Apes star James Franciscus. Fake Quint (or Ron Hamer) is played by Vic Morrow and there's no Matt Hooper but we do get Al Cliver's disembodied voice actor; Ed Mannix.
PUHLEEZZE! They paid me in Scotch

   A severed "male" arm drifting in a puddle is shown, a fake shark fin tacked on a surfboard and finally a giant shark proof cage is put in place, just in case you forgot this was a bonafide Jaws ripoff. 
Oh yeah and the mayor is panicky because a measly shark (which hasn't made an appearance yet) ate Mike the rocking windsurfer.

Rick Dees is requesting disco duck again

   Obviously this Mike fellow was a big deal, otherwise no one would care. Vic Morrow veers in and out of his comical Irish accent, as he goes through the "Head, the tail, the whole damn thing speech", which sounds very flat and unimpressive. I have a hard time believing William Friedkin or Spielberg even picked up the phone to hear a dial tone, let alone call their team of lawyers to shut down those productions, but apparently this and Abby put a big enough poodle up their butts to provoke a lawsuit!
Please don't play Country Joe & The Fish again

This is the kind of crazy beach that has hippies that live in timeboxes--I still have no idea what that's all about!
   There's zero character development as fake Quint and Brody just hang out with each other and go through the motions of what the "Jaws" people did.

everybody out of the pool, someone dropped their Babyruth

A giant windsurfing competition breaks out like a rash-- I mean we need something for the shark to do! 
   Speaking of carcarion carcarius, the two bit shark looks worse than the cheesy one at Universal! Even the one in Bruno Mattiei's Cruel Jaws was scarier, this one makes Jabberjaw look like an unholy demon fish! They mix in footage of one of the chintziest sharks available and had the actors scream at the camera. 
   Towards the end they finally find some decent shark footage, the one we've all seen on Shark Week, as the mayor decides to fly over in a helicopter and tease the beast with a giant hunk of horse meat. The shark takes down the whole operation and chomps the mayor in half (this is the best part of the movie)!
Gulp, these boots are chewy
The dumbest thing about this flick is how there's never any red water, once a victim is bitten to pieces nothing ever jets out, that's just pure laziness if you ask me. The finale is so retarded, that is goes from unwatchable to essential viewing, don't miss it!


Friday, April 25, 2014

Mongrel (1982)

Mongrel (1982, directed and written by Robert A. Burns)

Review by Goat Scrote

      It was easy for me to get suckered into watching "Mongrel" because I'm a foaming, rabid lunatic when it comes to killer dog films and the related subgenre of "killer humans who think they are dogs" movies. Oh shit, did I manage to give away the big twist in the first sentence of the review? That's some tragic irresponsibility on my part. It's true, "Mongrel" is not about a mongrel at all. It's painfully apparent right from the start even though the movie spends most of its energy building up toward a big reveal that the obviously crazy guy is obviously crazy. Who could possibly see a twist like that coming?

How did I fall into a pile of ketchup and mustard

      The gore is super weak and the production values are all around pretty bad. At one point we are told that someone has had their throat ripped out when we're looking right at the victim and there's hardly even a blob of red paint on his neck. The kills are mostly off camera, even when we are ostensibly witnessing the murder. The discordant electronic score (by Ed Guinn) is kind of interesting but it's not something most people would listen to for pleasure since its purpose is to create anxiety and to make you feel unpleasant. Useless trivia: Composer Guinn had an acting role as a truck driver in "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (1974). The best moments in the movie are when the "Deep Throat" pinball machine is on the screen, because it is an impossibly bitchin' relic of a very strange era in U.S. culture.

Four Boners and you get a free ball

       At the end they finally get around to showing the villain in action and that part of the movie is decent. The final 15 minutes includes some exciting suspenseful moments, but it's way too little, way too late. Most of the time all we get is an unseen menacing presence. The noises it makes sound nothing at all like a snarling mongrel, but sound very much like somebody wrestling with indigestion over in the next stall. Just imagine what watching this movie would be like if it didn't have a "Deep Throat" pinball machine. The horror.

Warning, this pinball machine may give you gonorrhea

       So there's this Texas boarding house, see, and there are a bunch of jerks, a pornographic pinball game, and one mean-ass mongrel dog all living there together. One of the jerks, a guy aptly named Toad (John Dodson), teases the dog with raw meat. Toad ends up with the stitches he so richly deserves, but the dog is shot by house bully Woody (Mitch Pileggi). The two biggest douches in the house see this as an opportunity for comedy. Toad and Woody use the mutilated corpse of the dog to play a prank on one of the other residents. This misadventure ends with accidental electrocution of the target. Later on, the douches bully everyone into keeping quiet about exactly how the accident happened and dump the rotten dog corpse in the back yard. Jerry, the timid new tenant, witnessed the earlier dog attack and when he comes home to find the dug-up corpse in the yard, the sight really freaks him out.

Believe it or not Mitch would go onto worse shit like Return Of The Living Dead 2

      The poor kid is more than a little high-strung to start with and he went through a traumatic dog attack as a child, so this latest experience leaves him unhinged. He starts by horribly mutilating the sweet new house puppy. One by one, the other tenants start dying off, while Jerry complains about some kind of monster that is roaming the house at night. Since the actual mongrel gets killed off very thoroughly right away, and everyone else living in the building is just a garden variety neurotic, Jerry's the only real suspect throughout the whole movie.

Puppy Before
Puppy After
      There's one scary shot of his face in crazed-dog mode and they could have shown a lot more of that, but it's flashed up almost subliminally. As abysmal as his dog act is throughout most of the movie, for a brief moment on screen, Jerry's twisted other self comes across as a scary human monster! They might as well have just gone for the gusto right from the start and showed Jerry's dark half but… no.

Kiefer Sutherland stole my vampire act for The Lost Boys 

      Even after he is revealed as the killer we spend the rest of the movie watching Jerry from behind, which makes him really kind of non-threatening again. He chases anyone who comes into the house and kills people with his bare hands and his teeth. It's a horrifying premise but the kills are never even slightly graphic. In the end, the landlord (Aldo Ray) shows up with a shotgun and blows Jerry away just as he is about to kill his own best friend, the one person who has been super-nice to him through the whole movie.

Is this the face of a killer?

     The pinball game shows up between 10 and 15 minutes in. The big prank starts at 34 minutes. The first murder is about 50 minutes in. The reveal and the climactic killing spree starts at 72 minutes, and there is absolutely no shame in skipping to that part without being punished by the rest of the movie.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Night Of The Bloody Apes

Night Of The Bloody Apes (La horripilante Bestia Humana) Directed By Rene Cardona Sr. (1969/72).
If you've seen the epic trailer that finishes out Mad Rons Prevues From Hell, then you've seen the monkey money shot already right? Wrong, there's more levels of fun in this seven layer burrito of mutant apes and open heart surgery! 
   A mad scientist named Dr. Krallman (Jose Elias Moreno) will do anything to fix his pasty moon faced son named Julio (not Hoolio). He'll go to the zoo and shoot animals with a tranquilizer (where's the zoo keeper you may wonder)?
   He goes to extreme (and completely stoopid lengths) to help out his son by transplanting his human heart with a gorilla one. This involuntarily turns his boy into a beastly humanoid monkey and it sets him on a rampage through-out the neighborhood. 
   Rene Cardona is the man responsible for the greatest Christmas joke ever unearthed on an unsuspecting 60's kiddie audience, Santa Claus! You are all familiar with the one where Kris Kringle fights Satan, pals around with Merlin and famously became brilliant fodder on MST3K. The mad scientist from this, actually played Santa Claus in the frightening holiday favorite.  
Feliz Navidad??

   The definition of insanity is doing the same shit repeatedly and expecting different results. You won't believe when you witness the doc and his Igor-esque servant, incessantly capture and re-capture the mutant Simian, tie him down with the flimsiest rope they can get a hold off and every single time he breaks out. It happens over and over so much, that it may cause you to rip your hair out or break into a rash! 

Oi, I shouldn't have drank so many Tecates

   The bloody ape's reign of terror includes nearly raping girls in showers, slapping down random strangers in parks and popping out various body parts (limbs, eyeballs, etc). The film is split up into three subplots, one involves a female wrestler, I referred to as The Devil Bitch. Her trials and tribulations eat up half the story line and she becomes a crucial part of the experiment later. There's a bunch of detectives and lawyers that chew up more scenes (didn't really pay attention as to how they are connected) and then there's the real footage of open heart surgery, which was padded along with extra gratuitous nudity to sell it on the exploitation market. 
Get Yer Hot Monkey Love right here

   Night Of The Bloody Apes is really trashy and a laugh riot! I love how towards the end he gets sick of not wearing a shirt and puts on a high collared button up shirt and pajama combo! If you like bad dubbing, ultra violence and Mexican wrestling then saddle up for this trash classic! Even though Monkey's are shot and set on fire, no animals were harmed (just people in ape suits and someone's heart transplant surgery, which probably went swimmingly, but who knows)?

Available from Something Weird Video

ouch mi maldito globo ocular

Devil Bitch in action

Wrap it up in a burrito with some cheese and Tapatio


Monday, April 21, 2014

Don't Mess With My Sister

Don't Mess With My Sister Directed By Meir Zarchi Starring Joe Perce (1985).
From The IMHOP Dept. of Kris Gilpin
No, that title (an incredibly stupid one, indeed) is not a joke. As far as I know, this is the only other feature made by the infamous Meir (I Spit On Your Grave) Zarchi. (An aside: You know what else made "Spit" such a disturbing film to sit through? There was no background mood music in the flick, leaving the viewer with the eerie feeling something is out of kilter.

   Monte Hellman also did this in the wonderful road movie, Two-Lane Black Top which, having starred two rock stars (James Taylor and the late Beach Boy Dennis Wilson, made it more ironic) (James Taylor a rock star? Hardly Kris!-.ed). 

Large Marge in a very special cameo

   Anywho, Sis! (also written by Zarchi) is about this guy who works at an auto junkyard which is owned by his two brothers-in-law. This guy gets a surprise birthday party given for him, at which there is a belly dancer he later has an affair with. One night he follows said belly dancer to a rich fat ass's house and the fat guy tries to rape her; together the young man and the dancer beat the older man to death. As things get sticky and the affair is revealed, the brothers yell at the dude, while the wife contemplates leaving or staying with her hubby ("You didn't recharge your battery that night, you recharged your prick!"). Still awake?


   The artwork on the video box advertises this as a horror flick--which naturally, they would for any film from Zarchi, no matter what its genre--and just when shots are fired and fire is flung, just when you think something is finally going to happen, nothing ever does. Well, one thing does happen:the movie ends, as wifey forgives the dumb sap (I'll never throw another birthday party for you!" Isn't that cute?); it's like Fatal Attraction with a deathless non-ending. What's all this "plot" doing in a Meir Zarchi flick? You never really care for these characters. And what was the point of the murder, other than just to stick one in for good measure? One thinks he made this as a backlash to the criticism he received for Spit, but who gives a shit about this story? Don't Mess with this Sister! Another example of false advertising, there is nothing for the Sleaze Cinema enthusiast.

Wut up, I'm Roseanne Roseannadanna

It takes two to tango on a fat guy's face

I'm a fake Cathy Moriarity

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