USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell!

"A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell"(1990)

Director: Brett Piper 

Writer: Brett Piper
Stars: Paul Guzzi, Linda Corwin, Alex Pirnie

Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin

So far, "A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell!" plays like a fully-clothed porno, meaning, what the hell's the point? I think they may have been way too inspired by the music video, "Walk The Dinosaur" by Was(Not Was). Or Was it? 

and maybe decided to make a full length movie based on the video game for "Primal Rage".

It's Troma, so there's zero respect for sanity of their audience. Their movies are 9 times out of 10 an hour and a half too long. haha. I can't hate Troma too much because yes, they're mostly terrible movies, but they're still important. I guess it's reputable under the guise that anyone (and they mean anyone) can be a filmmaker and that's something to behold for sure. No idea too dumb, no plot too thin, no special effects too not-so-special. The Ray Harryhausen style animated monsters (by Brett Piper and Alex Pirnie) sprinkled throughout here in "Nymphoid" were so adorable! haha. 

Gawd this movie is terrible. I'm going to make a rule for myself never to choose the movie based on extremely long, deceptively interesting title. Reminds of the other movie related rule of thumb of the past; never to rent "big box" horror movies at your local video store. I'm not sure if that was always 100% true, but it's still entertaining to think about. For example, my first thought when it comes to big video boxes is a copy of "2000 Maniacs" which I guess in comparison is actually a "good movie" haha. 

The whole movie's explained in the first 2 minutes but I actually forgot about it by the time I got to the ending. I'm not the only one, the film abandoned the storyline too. Basically, a barbarian girl (Linda Corwin) is one of the last women on earth after a major nuclear war that ended civilization and the remaining animals morphed in those awesome animated monsters I mentioned before. If there was an edit of this movie with nothing but those monsters, that would've been way better! The title is pretty deceiving in that there is yes, a couple of icky attempted rapes (not initiated by our female lead, but the gnarly cavemen wandering about), but nothing that would define a nymphomaniac of any kind. 

The music score kept reminding me of "O Holy Night" so I had this bizarre caveman adventure Christmas theme going on in my head for a bit. hahaha.  Hey, at least this movie's mostly set at the beach (somewhere in New Hampshire apparently), so we can enjoy the scenery. A great way to sum this movie up is the first comment on YouTube where Troma has graciously uploaded this video for all to see. Commenter Douglas Berry says: "I sometimes ask myself, why am I watching this? Is my life so empty I'll watch any moving picture? I guess so......"

I rate this movie 3 creatures 🐲🐲🐲  for the FX

1 pile of poo 💩 for the rest of it

USA UP ALL NIGHT airings of "A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell!"

Season 3 | Episode 5 (18 January 1991) A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell/Young Nurses in Love

Season 3 | Episode 69 (31 August 1991) Joysticks/A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell 

WATCH HERE (Thanks TROMA!) 

BUY HERE!

There's actually commentary on the DVD by Director/Writer/Creature FX Brett Piper. Would love to hear that! 

Return to Frogtown aka Frogtown 2

-Reviewed by Skunkape-

Directed by Donald G. Jackson (1992)

Coming up next month is Theater of Guts' tribute to USA Up All Night, so what better way to lead into that then with a movie that features Rhonda Sheer! She has a really tiny part as F.U.Z.Z.Y. but this is still some really darn good segue!
What the heck is F.U.Z.Z.Y. an acronym for? If I ever find out I'll let you know!

"It's going to be tough to stay up all night when you watch this one!"

It's still a run down apocalyptic world and Frogtown is just another ghetto. After Sam Hell messed up the green bastards and took down Commander Toty last time Frogtown has remained peaceful. Things can't seem to stay that way apparently. A frog called Czar Frogmeister is leading an uprising, he's kidnapped a Professor Tanzer who's being forced to create a serum that will turn everyone in the world green. Commander Toty is also back, he's been reconstructed with a robot head! The almighty Frogmeister is also trying to genetically engineer frog people to create a new frog army. His one and only experiment was a failure. He made a frog that can talk but won't grow, he's only about a foot tall and goes by the name Frogmeister Junior. Junior is a puppet and really is the JarJar/Eddie Deezen of the film always making dumb comments and speaks in a goofy high pitch voice. This character must have certainly paved the way for another Donald G. Jackson turd called Rollergator.

RoboToad

Green's Anatomy

"Hi Ho, Eddie Greenzin here."

The original Hell Comes to Frogtown was on USA UP All Night and is a cult classic loved by millions. Rowdy Roddy Piper was Sam Hell (you knew that) but in this low budget sequel he's played by none other than Rob Z'Dar. This is a welcome change in my book, however Z'Dar delivers every line as dry as possible playing the movie just so straight. This really could have been his time to shine but I guess his giant acting chops just weren't cut out for a leading role. His character is no longer supplying sperm to populate the world, he's a Rocket Ranger, which is basically a policeman with a jet pack. Rocket Rangers are the ones that keep the frog people in check, also back working with the Rangers is Dr. Spangle now played by Denise Duff. All the characters seem to suck the fun right out of the corny concepts that the movie has to offer except for Brion James who plays the professor. He's so over the top that it makes the performance too weird and really not all that funny.

"You two smell like pond water!"

"Why isn't it easy being green?"

If I may take a moment to address something about character actor Brion James. You know him and love, him he's worked with mega stars such as Harrison Ford in Blade Runner and Louie Anderson in Wrong Guys :) , but whats with him and Pterodactyls? In a brief cameo in the film Blue Sunshine he does an awesome impression of one at a party then years later he stars and produces in a film called Pterodactyl Woman in Beverly Hills. And That is the Brion James Pterodactyl connection!

-Skunkape, you're stupid he's doing Rodan not a generic Pterodactyl!!!-

Frogtown II still has lots of eye candy showcasing recycled frog masks from the first, cool desert scenery, and it has a strong supporting cast (Don Stroud, Linda Singer, Charles Napier, Lou Ferrigno) but is it enough to make it worth your while? I did say Lou "The Hulk" Ferrigno" but you won't even like him in this when he's not angry. The Frogs claim to be meaner and greener expressed in a heavy metal concert performed in one of the frog bars that I must say is pretty damn entertaining. After this, things for the world of Frogs got much worse with Donald Jackson's shot on video poop Max Hell Frog Warrior and Toad Warrior. If you're a post nuke movie fan or a Rob Z'Dar enthusiast then take a chance on Return to Frogtown, sit on your lily pad and whip up a peanut butter and fly sandwich and enjoy the show!

Is this Toad The Wet Sprocket?

A sure way to get genital warts.

"The Frogmeister!, making copies, Froggy, Frog- atola"

Samurai Frog Cop

I can't recommend this so

5/10 Fruit flies that are eating the 5/10 bananas!

Follow me on twitter @TrailersPU

Here's a new trailer for you with lots of frog jokes that I left out of the review!

The original trailer boasts that it's "Ribbit"ing entertainment!

So Ribbit, Ribbit Good!

in Frogtown 2 Polywog Flystew

The Monster of Piedras Blancas

The Monster of Piedras Blancas, Starring Les Tremayne, Don Sullivan, and Jeanne Carmen, Directed by Irvin Berwick (1959).

Reviewed by Richard Glenn Schmidt

“Remember! We’re burying the Rinaldi brothers in the morning. First class funeral. Better not miss it!”

In a small seaside town, Sturges the old lighthouse keeper (played by John Harmon) is keeping a secret and it’s not his plans to get a neck tattoo. He’s been buying meat scraps for years and feeding them to something on the rocks below the lighthouse. If you’ve ever wondered what widowed lighthouse keepers get up to, now you know! His hot daughter Lucille (Jeanne Carmen) is fresh from finishing school and thinks her dad is a harmless eccentric even though he talks to his dog constantly. She works at the local diner and is dating the local science dude named Local Fred (Don Sullivan).

 Vague Accent Man knows what’s up.

Life is pretty spectacular (and horrifically dull) for all parties involved until the friggin’ monster that Sturges has been feeding starts ripping off local Italian men’s heads and feasting on their blood. Before this monster business started, the most action that Constable George (Forrest Lewis) has had to deal with is The Shoe Soiler down at the library. He, Local Fred, and Dr. Sam (Les Tremayne) are the masterminds who will get to the bottom of this monster rigmarole. They have a scale sample from one of the corpses and it’s definitely a Klyptovertablah (that’s what I wrote in my notes). One by one, the old monster claims victims including a child that should have known better than to go outside.

Hey baby, have you ever seen From Here to Eternity?

 YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!

The local yokels form a posse to catch this thing and they are spectacularly ineffective. Someone actually says, “If he can think then we’re in real trouble.” Finally, the monster heads to the lighthouse to kidnap Lucille because he thinks he’s the Creature from the Black Lagoon. But he’s too much a doofus to remember how bad he wants to make sweet love to her (just like in The Shape of Water) when Sturges enrages him by pathetically shooting his impenetrable hide with a shotgun. They are able to trick the monster into falling off the lighthouse to his death or not. I’m gonna say death because this never got a sequel.

 Thank you, my constant reminder of your dead mother.

Director Irvin Berwick spent most of his career as a dialog coach on westerns. The only other of his directorial works I’ve seen is the hilarious garbage melodrama, Malibu High. Producer Aubrey “Girl’s Name” Schenck was responsible for producing such films as Voodoo Island, The Black Sleep, Robinson Crusoe on Mars, Frankenstein 1970, Pharaoh's Curse, and Daughters of Satan. I kinda love this dude. What a career (of schlock)!

 Bold as brass (not the Split Enz song).

Cinematographer Philip H. Lathrop is the reason why this film looks so damn good. His 30 year career behind the camera has some real classy stuff in it like The Illustrated Man, Touch of Evil, and Breakfast at Tiffany’s just to name a few. Two years after this monster flick, screenwriter H. Haile Chace also wrote and directed a little film called V.D. AKA Damaged Goods about a high school jock with painful urination. I guess that was his passion project.

I theorize that I won’t remember being in this film.

Blond bombshell, Jeanne Carmen, is quaintly bad in this film and I wouldn’t want her any other way. Pretty boy Don Sullivan didn’t do much but he was in Teenage Zombies and The Giant Gila Monster! The wildly prolific Les Tremayne was in every damn thing but I know him best from The Angry Red Planet. Also prolific but less memorable is old chew-toy face, Forrest Lewis, who was in The Thing That Couldn't Die but I don’t remember him at all. Of course, no one in this movie was in more crap than John Harmon! This motherfucker has nearly 300 film and TV credits under his belt with his final film being Microwave Massacre. Go out with a bang much?

Where’s my penis, Guillermo del Toro!?

I’m glad that Olive Films put out a super nice Blu-ray of this film that has somehow eluded me for so long. All of the pseudoscience and fun goofs fill my heart with an artery clogging warmth that will be with me until I croak. Sorry, those garbage cigars that Constable George were chomping on throughout the film are reminding me of my own mortality.

The other people who saw this film.

What a joy that The Monster of Piedras Blancas is. It has some serious charm and moxie going for it despite all of the half-assery going on. The camp is high and the monster, in spite of his doofness, isn’t fucking around. He kills adults and children alike and walks around in broad daylight with his severed head to-go cup. The Angry Samoans used a production still from this movie for their 1982 album, Back from Samoa. Speaking of punk rock, when the monster buys the farm at the end of the movie, his death scream is just a dude screaming. How is that related to punk? It’s not, it’s just lazy as balls.

Black Magic 2

Black Magic 2 (Revenge of the Zombies, Bewitch Tame Head, Gou hun jiang tou), Starring Lo Lieh Directed by Meng Hua Ho (1976).

In October, I mentioned how I planned on reviewing this film, well, I got some Xmas money and bought a copy of this film and here we are again. I've always liked the poster art for Black Magic 2 aka Revenge of the Zombies, which shows a grim reaper hovering over a naked women bathing in a skull cavity (I even made it into a t-shirt on Redbubble, order here).

The film is better than its predecessor in my opinion, it starts off in a completely bat-shit crazy assed way with a giant alligator terrorizing some cute bathers as a witch doctor baits the big green fellow with a hanging live chicken and then proceeds to gut him Chief Brody/ Matt Hooper style and fish out tin cans and boots. I never do this, but I actually turned on the English language track to hear the goofy dubs. I guess I wasn't in the mood to read (and Tokyo Shock had me all intrigued because they went out of their way to sync up to the original audio tracks).

Try KFC's new Gator-turd-chicken double down sandwich

There's a swanky strip club that some dude hauls his friends over to by saying "The food's good". Mr. Lo "Mein" Leih, plays a pervy wizard, this dude is my favorite SB actor, that intense face and menacing twinkle in his eye--I mean he's got some major fucking presence let me tell you, I've enjoyed all of his roles over the years. We introduce his character who's a Satanic sorcerer in the middle of what I can only describe as screw brain old lady transformation surgery (or what Chas referred to in the catalog as pounding 10 inch spikes and really out there man). Huh? Yeah that's right just pop in the DVD and confirm what I've just detailed. Leih is up to some sexual wickedness or run of the mill type SB horror shenanigans. He presents a girl with thorny flowers so he can collect her blood and then throw them together in a ritual that results in him getting into her pants.

NYUK NYUK, I learned this trick offa 3 well respected Jewish brain surgeons

I like how the other characters have a book that describes what a black magician is and that he must feed on breast milk everyday to stave off old age. It's good to have such a resourceful book just in case someone in the audience is dumbfounded by what's unfolding off the screen (which is often the case in these wild manic HK flicks). Man, with one drop of blood LL, who's evil wizard name is Kang Kong. Kong is able to control the girl like a zombie even from miles away and commands her to sleepwalk over to his pad (special delivery style)!

Hey let's re-enact that famous scene from the Third man with zero dollars

Satanism is really all about sexual dominance in these films and he tricks her into taking a pill so he can sip some of that sweet boob milk. He also shaves some of her pubes off and burns them. OK, El Rey network this year (2016 to be exact) it's time to play more full bush, worm feast SB's instead of dull chop socky's featured in the current rotation. I know you're trying to appease the Wu-Tang fans but they don't need your groveling, who am I kidding, I'm lucky at all that the infamous studio is available on Cable at all!

your aborted Meatloaf is ready, just garnish with some parsley

Kang gets to bang poor Margaret his victim without the aid of some of those Cosby roofies. And Oh yeah, I forgot to mention there's some zaniness going on at the hospital where patients are breaking out into skin pustules and worm rashes, possibly a HK version of Dr. Chanard will show up to make matters worse. Margeret stars to devolve into that heroin chic look (sunken eyes, hollow cheek bones) and even has a still born baby that all involved in the delivery call a monster (or freak in the subbed version). Kang acts funny in the way he pets his siamese cat which clings to his shoulder. He mutters some kind of incantation and hypnotizes them with his fashionable ring, it's also bizarre that in his basement he has a bunch of coffins and monks. Black Magic 2 has this great theme song that sounds like a funky version of the Odd Couple, which made me cackle like a loon! There's this weird concept of people turning old at the drop of a hat than reverting back to youth. Kang pimps out his old hag to one character who gets all pissed when he finds out that he was banging an elderly chick--Ha! No refunds! The moral here is don't make deal with an alchemist or fuck with black magic because you may find yourself attached to a voodoo doll that can crush you in the blink of an eye. Also in other magic related SB films, I noticed how it's always a decrepit old freak in a hut by a boiling kettle of entrails, but here Lo's character seems more like a rich playboy and does his devious work in his swanky mansion.

Who you calling a Pussy? 

I've read in other reviews that this film is just a rehashing of the first film only with Lo Leih in the title role as the wizard, that's total bullshit and I'm willing to bet the same schmucks think The Force Awakens was just a remake of the original Star Wars! 

That new BB-8 Droid looks totally cool to me

Every bodies a fucking two bit critic nowadays in a world where rotten tomato percents are considered an opinion! During the half way point hang onto your barf bucket because the worms start wriggling out of exhumed corpse chest cavities. The notion of being a clumsy oaf gets ridiculous as Kang keeps bumping into various people so he can get a blood sample and conduct more rituals. And if you're thinking why is is called Revenge of the Zombies when there aren't any--nope you're wrong because there totally are, just be patient. The ending with hooded zombified monks melting into puddles definitely reminded me of The Devil's Rain. The pacing is pretty frenetic and kind of gets to a comical state of weirdness but since it's a Ho Meng Hua, I wont put anything past that dude--he's out of his mind brilliant and should be more highly regarded beyond the exploitation realm. Mondo Macabro put out Queen of Black Magic (which is an unrelated Indonesian flick that they tried to pass off as a sequel to this film). It also will eventually be covered because it's in the catalog and I'm a sucker for Satanic bullshit from the mysterious East.

BETTER THAN THE FIRST ONE, TWO MAGGOT EATEN THUMBS UP YOUR BUTT!

Devilman/ Boah

Devil Man /Boah (1987/1989) Directed by Umanosuke lida and Yokoyama Hiroyuki

There are a bunch of Anime titles in the DR catalog that I've sort of avoided, but lately i've been watching a lot of dopey shit from Japan like Johnny Sokko (look for my article in an upcoming issue of Tim Paxton's Monster!) and some Gatchaman and digging it like a madman, so the time is right for me to evaluate an Asian cartoon.

Bunnies and bikechains, not a good mix

Devilman starts off with a bunch of dick head gangsters who pummel Fudoh Akira, a softhearted kid for crying over the death of his adorable rabbits. They whip him with bike chains as he protects his pet (the one that didn't get killed) from harm. His sister Miki-Chan bails him out and they walk around the park. Ryou, Akira's sexist blonde friend pulls a knife on the girl then drives him around in his beat up car. He's not only hates women but he seems to be transgendered. In a flashback they show how Ryou's father was a mad scientist (or archeologist) who chopped off his dog's head and almost stabbed him to death in his sleep. They discover a giant devil mask and once it's on Fudoh's dome, he is transported to the demonic spirit world and it's super fucking trippy, we're talking naked butterflies that spew ectoplasm on dinosaurs and all types of ill shit (to coin a phrase from Don't Be A Menace To Society, While Drinking your Juice in the Hood).

Trip out on this, Boobs with teeth!

They reference Dante's Divine comedy and the myth of Satan trapped under ice, waiting to break out and re-emerge again. Ryou believes his father entered the world of the demons and learned their ways. Next octopus and spider demons show up and attach themselves to his car as snazzy jazz plays (the music is wildly inappropriate-- it sort of reminded me of Woody Allen's Sleeper). In order to fight demons Akira must turn into one, makes sense right? 

They both seem ecstatic about the harsh decision to leave their humanity to rot and then hit a disco to try and possess humans, above all a demon's motto is "abandon all reason, act only on instinct".

A fake Ratt band plays as both humans shred their inhibitions and give into ultra-violence by slicing faces open with a broken bottle (for some reason tons of girls are topless) and toward the end they all burst into giant monsters, ejecting spittle everywhere. One girl's breasts sprout fangs and do the air chomp! Akira transforms into DEMON MAN, which means he had wings on his head and a tail. Even Ryou is nervous that he's created a monster as the Devil creature saws through opposing monsters like wet tissue paper. In the catalog these came without sub titles, which I'd imagine would've been boring as fuck and it's unclear whether more than one episode or if the original cartoon from the 70's was included instead, Danzig is apparently a big fan of the original show (who cares).

Monsters love coke and Disco it's a fact!

This 87 version is a more hardcore violent remake of a 70s Manga, I watched the first original episode and it's very demented for children, but certainly not Deep Red fare. On the tape it comes with the Anime Boah, which I've included in keeping with the spirit of the original intent of the videotape.

Selsun Blue, gives you laser beam hair follicles 

BOAH, 1989 Directed by Yokoyama Hiroyuki

This one starts off like Akira crossbred with Plague Dogs (which sounds better than it is). An adorable girl with a creature perched on her shoulder has telekinetic powers and is stuck on an experimental train.I cant tell what kind of pet she has, it looks like a rabbit/squirrel. Boah is a giant dude with flowing hair in S&M gear similar to Lord Humungous from The Road Warrior. Next he's in plain clothes and gets stabbed by a Rambo style knife, but it doesn't effect him or interrupt his lunch. Things become Boah, which I gather is a genetic tag given to each mutant the evil scientist operates on. It's frightening power happens when it gets mutilated, they show a tiny dog savagely attacked by a lion, don't worry though it gets revenge. Everytime somebody says look out it's a BOAH, I chuckle because it sounds like "Bowel"!

S&M Lion-O

When an assassin stabs Ikiru, it slithers out of his body after he mutates and than the creature dissolves his flesh like melted butter. It turns out Boah is a parasitic worm that feeds off the host, giving it inhuman powers, but it's weakness is that it must be burned to a crisp.

Ikiru's friend is 10 years old and she is also a mutant that assists him in figuring out when the assailants are about to strike and she has an unhealthy fixation on him (their age difference is a major problem).

I'm just as confused as you are

Ikiru looks kind of like Nightcrawler with more purple festive hair and a giant red orb in the middle of his forehead. His little friend is abducted and used as bait by the creeps who injected him with the Boah in the first place. Everytime they think they've bested him, he becomes insanely more powerful. during the last 10 minutes a beefy Indian named Walken battles Boah and is beaten to a bloody husk. The cheesy celebration music sounds kind of like Turn The Beat Around by Vicki Sue Robinson.

Cybernetic Navajo Joe

Anime is a weird genre, it's either too soft, too porny or good and gory (which is obviously the best kind). There's endless amounts of it (just wade through Huluplus for an hour and nearly scratch the surface of what to watch). I saw this on Youtube and the super graphic stuff is not that easy to find, Boah falls somewhere in the middle of cutesy and explicit and it's pretty entertaining. No anime can ever match the impact of Akira in my mind though, that's still my all time favorite. Devilman is pretty great though, I highly recommend Gatchaman and Fist of the North Star as an anime novice. The Wandering Kid (or Urotsukidoji) otherwise known as the Citizen Kane of tentacle rape cartoons is also featured in the catalog (I'm not so sure if we'll get to that one, it's possible). Leave a message in the comment section if you think we should give it the GUTS treatment.
       
B'OWL

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Neon Maniacs

Neon Maniacs Directed By Joseph Mangine, Starring Clyde Hayes (1986).

--Reviewed By Goat Scrote--

    I hold the USA Up All Night show partially responsible for turning me into the freak that I am today, by exposing me to so many wonderfully low-grade horror films side by side with witty underground gems and brain-dead sex comedies. Neon Maniacs falls into the first category, schlocky horror, but it's way too silly to be frightening.

Archer's hobby is stamp collecting.

Juice is the cutest maniac and he knows it.

   The most horrifying aspect for me is the lite jazz-rock in the soundtrack. The movie demonstrates a level of plotlessness usually found only in Italian horror, but with none of the shock value or stylistic sophistication. In other words, it’s a really dumb movie. I chose Neon Maniacs not because it is one of the best movies they showed, but simply because I have such a vivid memory of watching it as a child on USA Up All Night and laughing my butt off at what I thought had to be the worst movie ever made. (How wrong I was.)

Neon Maniac Samurai has a scorching STD

     It is San Francisco in the middle of the 1980s and there are hideous monsters living under the Golden Gate bridge. Imagine if the Village People were homicidal mutants and you’ve pretty much got the essence of Neon Maniacs. There are something like a dozen of them, each with their own personal theme and unique murder method. They also have their own trading cards for some reason, which go from “near mint” to “blood-soaked” when an early-rising fisherman stumbles across the lair of the maniacs in the opening scene.

live action version of Garbage Pail Kid's New Wave Dave.

     A roster of maniacs is given in the end credits, which is helpful because there are just so goddamned many of them. It’s like trying to keep track of those fucking dwarves in “The Hobbit”. There’s Ape, Archer, Axe, Decapitator, Doc, Hangman, Juice, Mohawk, Punk Biker, Samurai, Slasher, Soldier, and a creature they named Scavenger. Personally I prefer the name Tiny Reptile Cyclops, it’s much more descriptive.

Punk Biker is the moody, misunderstood rebel of the group.

 
    The maniacs come out at night and kill everyone they find. Having sex in Golden Gate Park is hazardous at the best of times, but with these things on the loose, herpes drops several notches on the worry scale. A large group of teens is slaughtered. A lone survivor tells her story to the police. The whole “skeptical police” subplot takes up a lot of screen time but ends up having pretty much no effect on the story.

I know monster spunk when I see it. Call the Special Victims Unit.

     A plucky young tomboy with TV-reporter ambitions investigates the incident. She discovers the lair of the maniacs and their weakness: They are water-soluble. A well-timed rainstorm helps her escape, but her footage of the monsters is ruined and she has no proof.

Ape is just looking for the right lady to settle down with.

     Several of the maniacs take cover in the subway, where they hunt the survivor of the first attack and her boyfriend. They also track the plucky tomboy back to her home, but she knows their weakness and uses the power of tap water to destroy her attacker. The three survivors get together and plot a way to stop the killings.

We're white and outta sight.

     The final half hour of the movie takes place at a battle of the bands at the local high school. They linger on this awesomely 80s musical competition, featuring preppy soft-rockers versus poofy-haired, spandex-clad hard-rockers. After a really unnecessarily long time, all that noise draws in the maniacs.

He's a neon maniac, maniac on the floor...

     The audience has been provided with squirt guns. This would be a great plan except that everyone panics and runs instead of spraying the bad guys. There’s a good old-fashioned soccer-mob trample which probably kills more people than the monsters themselves.

A very motley crew.

     The tomboy saves the day when she grabs a firehose and starts decapitating maniacs with it. There’s another big chase through the halls of the school, and then the survivor girl and her boyfriend start making out in the chem lab and the evil mutants just leave. Okey dokey, whatever.

Mohawk gave up a career as an investment banker to fulfill his dream of becoming a neon maniac.

     The police and fire department finally intervene and search the evil lair, but the surviving maniacs are nowhere to be found. The head police detective stays behind alone and gets munched because the searchers were a bunch of incompetent twits, or maybe the maniacs are just really good at hiding.

But... I never got to see... Mount Rushmore... *gurgle*

     I am left with many unanswered questions. What’s the difference between a regular maniac and a neon maniac, anyway? Why does each one have a sex-dungeon cosplay theme? What motivates them to kill? Why would creatures like this even exist? Furthermore, why would they live a few feet away from the Pacific Ocean in a very rainy part of the world when they have the same weakness as the Wicked Witch of the West?

I'm melting! Dorothy, you bitch!

     The only explanation provided by the film comes in the form of one sentence intoned like an ancient prophecy before the credits: “When the world is ruled by violence, and the soul of mankind fades, the children’s paths shall be darkened by the shadows of the neon maniacs.” What the fuck is this, open mic poetry night at the coffee shop? It seems like there really should be more backstory than that. Maybe they were saving it for a sequel. Alas, the true origin of the Neon Maniacs will forever remain an enigma!

Stop hitting on my girlfriend, Toto.