USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama (1988)

Dir. David DeCoteau

Reviewed By Goat Scrote

     The pastel opening titles and upbeat synth-rock let you know that you are entering a time vortex back to the 1980s, when fashions were awesomely bitchin’ and everything was just a little more radically tubular than it is now. “Sorority Babes” starts off as a formulaic 80’s teen sex comedy which takes a left turn into a goofy C-grade horror story. It’s an extremely stupid but fun film with quite generous helpings of T&A. The version I saw on the USA Network must have been cut to hell in order for it to be aired on TV. There’s no significant gore, but plenty of full nudity.

     One of the more notable things about the movie is that it is packed to the brim with female icons of B-horror. The tough biker chick with a heart of gold is played by legend Linnea Quigley.  Scream queen Michelle Bauer is Lisa, a sorority pledge undergoing initiation. Taffy, the other pledge, is played by model, actress, and marine biologist - I kid you not - Brinke Stevens. I have tremendous respect for anyone with a range of accomplishments like hers!

Freud would have something to say about this.

    Trashmeister David DeCoteau has directed everything from gay porn to sappy children’s films in his prolific career, but one of his staples is cheesy horror with plenty of skin on display. In other films he has made an admirable attempt to be an equal-opportunity purveyor of sleaze by getting attractive members of both sexes to take off their clothes. In “Sorority Babes” it’s almost entirely the female body on display, but they are rather fetching bodies. I suspect this has something to do with the lasting appeal of this flick!

     The movie opens on three dorky college boys hanging around looking for something to do. Jimmie (Hal Havins) and Keith (John Stuart Wildman) hatch a scheme to spy on the Tri-Delta sorority initiation. They drag along their friend Calvin (Andras Jones). Calvin is watching DeCoteau’s movie "Creepozoids" (1987) during this scene.

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

     At the “Felta Delta” house, queen bee Babs (Robin Stille) and her minions Frankie (Carla Baron) and Rhonda (Kathi O’Brecht) haze their sorority pledges. The two girls, Lisa and Taffy (Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens), are stripped to their undies and paddled over the back of a couch. Next they are sprayed all over with whipped cream, to the great delight of the boys watching from outside.

     The three stooges decide to sneak into the house to spy on the pledges showering off the mess. They get to see plenty of boobs and bush before they get caught. The creatively sadistic ringleader, Babs, has them over a barrel. Either they do what she says or she calls the cops and reports the three peeping-tom housebreakers.

Bowling Dicks, coming soon to CBS

     The pledges are forced to team up with the pervs to break into the bowling alley at the local mall. They must steal a trophy to prove they were there. What the pledges don’t know is that Babs’ father owns the mall, so she plans to watch the hijinks from the mall security control room and mess with the pledges. The mall security cameras have excellent audio pickups so she can listen, too. Whatever.

     While breaking in, Babs and her minions accidentally lock the mall janitor in a room without noticing. The foul-mouthed janitor is played by the ubiquitous George “Buck” Flower, under the name C.D. LaFleur. This is the same alias he adopted when he appeared in the first two “Ilsa” films. I can see Flowers distancing himself from the degenerate “Ilsa” series, but come on Buck, “Sorority Babes” was just a slightly naughty teen sex comedy with an evil muppet. Anyway, I think the janitor should have been the hero who saves the day and ends up with Linnea Quigley, because I have a soft spot for ol’ Buck and his grizzled charm.

You look like...

Linnea Quigley?!?

PREPARE YOUR FACE
FOR  MY SMOOCHIES!

     Inside the bowling alley the five intrepid burglars encounter someone else breaking into the cash register, the spandex-clad Spider (Linnea Quigley). There is some badly written, badly delivered ‘catty’ dialogue between the pledges and Spider. Calvin tries awkwardly hitting on Spider and she shuts him down repeatedly.

     The kids grab the biggest trophy but on their way out, it gets broken and releases light and mist. The trophy was prison to the wisecracking, wish-granting demon Uncle Impie (Michael Sonye, using the alias Dukey Flyswatter for some reason). He has a deep voice which sounds like a cross between a game-show host and a pimp, and is the furthest possible thing from scary. (Crank the ed. here. Dukey Flyswatter was in "Hollwood Chainsaw Hookers" (1988) and was one of the titular villains in "Surf Nazis Must Die" (1987). He also had a band called Haunted Garage.)

Move over Cat's Eye troll, here comes Uncle Impie!

     Impie offers everyone a single wish. Spider and Calvin warn the others about possible consequences and their general mistrust of Uncle Impie, but the others decide to make their simple-minded dreams come true. Jimmie wishes for gold and a bunch of gold ingots appear. Taffy wishes to be prom queen and gets an instant Cinderella makeover. Keith wishes to bone Lisa, and they depart for a locker room to have a little privacy.

     The Imp forces Babs into the game by turning her minions into his minions. Frankie changes into the Bride of Frankenstein, while Rhonda develops a severe case of slimy green monster-face. When Babs tries to flee the mall she is zapped by a magical barrier and knocked unconscious.

Don't be so negative, Rhonda.

     Around now the wishes start turning bad. The gold is painted wood and the prom dress is rags. Then Monsterface and the Bride suddenly attack. Jimmie gets his face worked over in a ball cleaner, then he gets decapitated and Monsterface goes bowling with his head.

     Spider and Calvin barricade themselves in a storage room but are found by Monsterface. Luckily, some careless employee has left a handgun and a couple of bullets laying around. What the fuck…? Spider shoots Monsterface, which only stops her temporarily.

Bitch, don't test me. I will swallow your soul.

     Prom Queen Taffy is terrorized by the Bride. When Taffy takes a club to her crazed pursuer it just slows down the magic-fueled monster. Taffy ends up getting caught between both evil minions, who have a “Taffy pull”… har har, get it? She is pulled in two off-camera while being used as the rope in their tug-of-war.

     Keith and Lisa are still making out, but she is being way too aggressive and he is having second thoughts about the ethics of mind-controlling another person into having sex with him. Keith leaves her there so he can have a moment to think, only to get his face deep-fried in the kitchen by Monsterface.

Extreme ambush makeover!

     Babs is hiding behind the lanes in the bowling alley when she is cornered by the Imp. He explains that his purpose is to torment human beings. Monsterface shows up for a tussle, and ends up falling down on one of the lanes, where she is bowled to death by Spider! How the hell do you score that?

     The janitor eventually escapes the closet. He meets up with the other survivors and fills in the backstory. The imp was summoned decades before to help a guy who was a wiz at black magic but not so hot when it came to his bowling scores. When Impie started killing people, it was trapped inside the bowling trophy. Sure, good enough explanation for me.

No! Wire! Hangers!

Nothing a little foundation

and some blush can't fix.

   












     Babs the Dominatrix finds Lisa alone, in her lingerie, and she pulls out a whip and a giant black paddle. She kills Lisa with the paddle off-screen. Spider is elsewhere making Molotov cocktails when Babs attacks her. They get into a major cat-fight before the evil dominatrix gets Molotoved. The janitor is stabbed to death in his hideout by the Bride. Then the evil minion chases Spider and Calvin with an axe, but is herself decapitated. The Bride's head strikes the door of the mall and Impie's magic cancels itself out, giving them an exit. Spider sends Calvin to get his car, but Monsterface is in the back seat, still kicking after all. They crash and the car flips. 

     Meanwhile Spider sneaks up and catches the imp in a tobacco tin, ending his brief reign of terror. Total body count: 8. They leave the tin with the imp in it sitting on the sidewalk in front of the bowling alley, which seems pretty fucking irresponsible. Maybe they were hoping for a sequel. Calvin crawls out of the wreck more or less unhurt and rides away with Spider on the back of her bike. She is taking him back to her place to have wild steamy sticky pity sex. Talk about a happy ending for Calvin!

I'm SO sure.

Horror heroine uses yonic weapon to deal with the
domineering masculinity of the villain, symbolically
enfolding him in her womb and taking away his power,
proving this is actually a highly intellectual feminist film.

Nomad Riders

Nomad Riders Directed By Frank Roach, starring a bunch of nobodies (1984).

Frank Roach who made Frozen Terror, one of the shittiest video nasty flicks of all time directed this solid biker flick. You may remember his last film, which was on the chopping block for a heated debate between Crank and Webberly Rattenkraft (actually it was more of a solid agreement that we felt it sucked balls). This is his second and last film then he completely disappeared into obscurity, maybe he did some of the technical advising on Sons of Anarchy or was Peggy Bundy's hair extension guy/fluffer?

only Roach-clip can satisfy my lady boner

If you're thinking Pete Fonda or Bruce Dern style biker movie, any second I should hear some Davie Allan and The Arrows or fuzz guitar, cross that off your expect the unexpected list. This unconventional biker flick has a seriously 80s slasher film type score that's incredible, if the movie itself weren't so cheese-tacular, I'd say it outshines what's on screen, but damn it Roach if you didn't nail it this time!

Office attired corporate jerks are responsible for burning Steve Thrust (whatta name!), the main character's wife and child alive and setting the fuse of vengeance. They seem to have gone to the Leonard Smalls academy of picking on fragile creatures only because they target grandmas and unnecessary threats. This is like a no budget rejected Cannon flick or something Amir Shirvan wishes he could achieve!

The Smalls academy promotes extreme prejudice against hamsters and nana's kneecaps

Thrust looks sort of like Richard Belzer in the 70s. Bronco, a Barry White looking dude fends off the same bikers from the beginning with an electric saw.

you've been THRUSTER STRUCK

Steve always wears all tan and beige or cream colored suits, even though it's supposedly 1984. They play this bad punk music that sounds as if Ray Jay Johnson and Kraftwerk teamed up. Steve's Buddy Charlie staked out the biker's hideout which has lots of skanks and even a gypsy!

There's one smiley enthusiastic stripper who looks like she stepped out of the JC Penny lingerie catalog. It's available on Fandor and it's fucking insanely fun, get a trial and go out of your way to see it!
AVAILABLE ON FANDOR.

These jeans really show case my FUPA

John Fogerty wipes out another CCR casualty

Starcrash (1979)

STARCRASH (1978)

Dir. Luigi Cozzi, starring Caroline Munro 

Review by Goat Scrote

     "Starcrash" is one of my favorite "so bad they're good" movies. This campy Italian rip-off of "Star Wars" (1977) is a garishly cheesy masterpiece. It also includes generous helpings of "Barbarella" (1968), "Planet of the Vampires" (1965), old "Flash Gordon" serials, "Invaders From Mars" (1953), and even "Jason and the Argonauts" (1963) and the various 70's "Sinbad" movies thrown into the mix. It's a shamelessly cheap and silly fantasy-movie smoothie being poured into our eyeballs.

Things would come full circle when Lucas ripped off this
Jedi vs. droid fight scene in "Phantom Menace".

     The story insults our intelligence ferociously, like a planet-killing death ray of pure stupidity. It's a movie where imagination is not bound by things like logic or physics or basic tenets of storytelling. One ridiculous image after another is painted across the screen in bright psychedelic colors for no deeper purpose than to try to cash in on the success of other, better movies. It’s the kind of science fiction you might expect from an enthusiastic but slightly dim child well into the third day of an epic espresso-and-80s-cartoon-reruns binge.

The Thousand-Year Eagle can make the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs.

     The opening shot of a starship flying past the camera is directly lifted from "Star Wars", but without the excitement and wonder. This hilariously cheap special effect looks like it was accomplished with pieces from model kits, spray paint, and a cosmic panorama of christmas lights. The vessel is attacked by an incomprehensible camera effect which is supposed to represent glowing red space monsters. At least the movie doesn't put on airs, it lets you know right away that it's shit.

My God, it's full of stars! And model parts!

      They even have an introductory text scroll to let us know what’s going on. Basically there’s this guy Darth... pardon me,  Zarth... Arn (Joe Spinell, of “Maniac", 1980) who is a real space jerk. Count Zarth Arn is a Ming the Merciless type villain who is way too smug and self-satisfied about being the most sinister guy in the galaxy. He reminds me of a live-action version of the Monarch from The Venture Brothers cartoon, minus the wings and eyebrows. The Count flies around in a giant claw-shaped spaceship which curls up into a fist when he goes into battle. Don't lie, you know you want one too.

Arn's minions wear
 standard-issue 'I'm With Stupid'
helmets.

"Maniac 3: The Search for Pizza the Hutt"

     Christopher Plummer tries to bring dignity to his role as the benevolent Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe, but you can see him wondering how in the unholy fuck he ended up in the clutches of director Luigi Cozzi (alias Lewis Coates). Most of Mr. Plummer’s scenes were completed in a day, so at least he didn’t have to suffer long. He actually ends up delivering some of the funniest lines in the film during his brief appearances. And his outfit is so shiny!

JJ Abrams was inspired by
Cozzi's brilliant use of lens flare.

I took too much nyborg, how am I
gonna pass the Imperial drug test
now? 

     Marjoe Gortner plays Akton, a mysterious but wise spaceman with mystical powers and a lightsaber. What an original idea! Gortner and his bizarre real life are the subject of the 1972 documentary "Marjoe". Beautiful B-movie queen Caroline Munro plays his buddy Stella Starr, a sexy spaceship pilot, smuggler, and lovable rogue. Han Solo with boobs, basically. These hardened space-criminals take childlike delight in flying their ship around the cosmos avoiding hazards like space police and dime-store special effects.

I wonder if Zarth Arn and I will ever
work together in a Bill Lustig
 slasher movie?

William Katt does a spot-on
impression of Marjoe Gortner.

 




 
The space cops in pursuit are Chief Thor (Robert Tessier) and his robot sidekick Elle (voiced by Hamilton Camp, who has a giant stack of voice work and acting roles to his name). In Christopher Plummer's advanced, galaxy-spanning empire, police droids are built to resemble penises and programmed to speak with the comical twang of a western-movie stereotype.

There's an alien face-hugger 
on my rump and I think I just felt
it implant an embryo!

Be honest. Who has prettier eyes,
me or golden boy up there?

    The cops eventually catch up with the joyriding pair of criminals and toss them in the clink. Stella stages a prison riot to cover her own escape, silently ditching her poor dupes while they eat hot laser from the guards. That bitch is hardcore! Akton and Stella are then conscripted into helping Thor and Elle track down survivors from the ship which was gobbled by red space blobs in the opening scene. David Hasselhoff (in his second film role) plays Prince Simon, who is the son of Emperor Plummer and the sole survivor of the crashed ship. His special weapon is a scary mask with laser eyes. Pew, pew!

Welcome to Burger Overlord.
Please speak into the drive-thru droid to place your order.

     The heroes fight space amazons riding space horses, mutated space cavemen, and a stop-motion giant robot with space breasts. They face a shocking betrayal and other trials during their quest to save Prince Simon. There's an alien judge who looks just like the evil chief Martian in the original “Invaders from Mars” (1953). Stella visits a planet where the temperature falls “thousands of degrees below freezing", or way below absolute zero. She escapes icy death by holding hands with the robot. None of it makes a lick of sense. 

Love child of Krang from "Ninja Turtles" and the
chief alien from "Invaders from Mars"?

...and Ray Harryhausen
spins in his grave 1000 times.

      The spaceships are equipped with ordinary plate glass windows, and when they break and are exposed to the vacuum of space… nothing happens. Torpedoes punch through into the interior of a ship but instead of exploding into balls of nuclear fury, some guys in ridiculous outfits jump out of the missiles and start shooting people with "rifle rays".

     Relax and let the absurdity flow through you.

Throbbing Gristle  cover band.

     After an Imperial offensive against Zarth Arn's mothership fails, the villain prepares to unleash his "Doom Machine" on the homeworld of the Empire. This super-advanced civilization has time-stopping technology and all sorts of other zany space-opera shit. Somehow, though, they just can't figure out how to stop the dopey bad guy. The best option they can come up with is to crash an entire space city into the Count's awesomely evil starship, the "star crash" of the title. I imagine the ensuing collapse of the space-insurance industry and revolt against the Emperor and his idiot generals would throw their civilization into a new dark age. I’m just speculating here, though. Maybe it worked out fine.

Count Zarth Arn will fist-fuck your planet into space dust!

     Multi-Oscar-winning composer John Barry did the score, so the music is better than it has any right to be. Rumor has it that the producers wouldn't show clips of the film to Barry out of fear that he would quit on the spot.

I find this movie quite funny in its own inept way. It has an oddly innocent charm to it, almost as if it was made for children... even though Caroline Munro's outfits were certainly aimed at grown-ups. As with most bad movies, it’s more fun if you invite friends to make fun of it with you.

     Verdict: One of the most entertaining bad movies I have ever seen. Check it out.

     Drinking game: Take a shot every time you notice something lifted directly from another film. (Keep a bucket handy.)

"Prepare to feel the sting of THE MONARCH!"