Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Hard Sensation

Hard Sensation (1980) is the first of three films directed by Joe D' Amato in what we're calling The "Islands of Erotic Mayhem" trilogy. After this film D' Amato directed Sexy Nights of the Living Dead and Porno Holocaust. The "trilogy" features tropical locations, Italian porn star Mark Shannon, George Eastman, and the lovely Lucia Ramirez (Laura Gemser Jr. according to Crankenstein).
"Hi, Miss Gemser couldn't make it."

Ramirez is definitely a mystery, she has no additional acting credits on her IMDB resume aside from doing a few films with D' Amato. Yet, somehow she agreed to participate in this hardcore island intercourse madness. The "trilogy" was shot on location in the Dominican Republic so I have a theory that she may have been a local theater actor(a naive one) looking to make a quick buck and after D' Amato told her that his name was Steven Spielberg she immediately signed on the dotted line. Spielberg he's not but he did eventually co direct a  Jaws knockoff in 1990, Deep Blood!

"We're so rich! we paid 1,000s for this juice, it's imported from Cat Island."

Corinne (Dirce Fumari) is supposed to take a vacation with her extremely rich parents for the summer in Paris but when business gets in the way they make alternative plans for her.
Luckily her parents have just bought their own island with a villa included. So they hire Miss Perez (Lucia Ramirez), Corrine's former teacher to chaperon her and a bunch of her gal pals on the island . They arrange for all her friends to travel there by boat along with two body guards. They're to leave the following morning but not after a full evening of each girl masturbating to Playgirl.
"I wish I had my other issue featuring Peter Steele!"

 Once they arrive the girls complain about being bored, with nothing to do but lay around topless all day. At least the bodyguards get some nice eye candy. One of the girls actually says, "This trip is as boring as nail polish." whatever the hell that means???

Meanwhile three convicts are on the loose and you'll never guess where they're hiding out? THE VERY SAME ISLAND! The three bad boys are known as Bobo (the horny one), Clyde (the sensitive one), and the third is a nameless homosexual only referred to as "the faggot". The three do not get along very well at all. Bobo wants to rape the ladies and have a good time. After killing one of the bodyguards Bobo actually encourages "the faggot" to rape the other remaining guy. "The Faggot" seems to hate Clyde but likes Bobo despite the fact that he taunts and bullies him every chance he gets. Clyde wants to help the girls and explains that he's not an animal like the other two of his so called buddies. Clyde presents the idea of having the girls' rich parents pay a ransom but on the condition that they must not be injured or touched in anyway to insure payment and safe passage.

Nice Coconuts!

Clyde and Bobo

"the Faggot"

"This is Rubber Duck, looks like we got a Convoy."

The bodyguards are dead and the radio is broken. Can these college girls and their teacher outsmart a convict named Bobo? Lets hope they took a course in logic, then they should have no problem!

"Who's up for a Filthy Sanchez?"

The film lacks tension between the convicts and the schoolgirls. But the brief scenes of hardcore(mostly BJs) and the ridiculous dubbed dialogue still make this a fun entry in the sexploitation genre!
Missing for sure is wacky music like Nico Fidenco's over the top score featured in Porno Holocaust. Even Marcello Giombini's crazy organ theme did wonders in Sexy Nights of the Living Dead. Composer Alessandro Allessandroni (Lady Frankenstein, Women's Camp 117) score isn't horrible but could have been better.

6/10 on the CULT-O-METER
One of the better Joe D' Amato aka Aristide Massaccesi sex films which remains a hidden gem.

Theater of Guts
Tribute Trailer

Monday, July 29, 2013

Love To Kill

Love To Kill (Yeuk Ji luen) Directed By Siu-hung Chung and Kirk Wong. Starring Elizabeth Lee (1993)
Unpleasantly repugnant, vicious, demoralizing and vomit inducing are some ways to describe the cinematic career of TOG favorite Anthony Wong. There's just no substitute for depravity beyond comprehension when it comes to this talented actor. Love To Kill is another stellar foray into extreme debauchery, where else but in a Category III flick can you witness a beer bottle used to penetrate an orifice, while the fizzy liquid swashes to and fro ending in a malt soaked facial. Nowhere else and I'm sure this is a fetish I'm completely oblivious to thank God!
I said Bud Lite, not shove a beer up my cooch!
   Love To Kill is excruciatingly hateful towards poor Jade (Elizabeth Lee, a former Miss Hong Kong from 1987), who accepts her husband's abuse because she fears him and eventually, once she regains her self esteem, she fights back hard! This one delivers in the vengeance department, that I only wish Linda Blair carried out further toward the cheap ending of Savage Streets.
   Wong plays Sam, a controlling, abusive husband who defiles his wife Jade constantly, whether she likes it or not. Within the first five minutes he rapes her with a beer bottle, shoves an apple in her mouth and wraps a plastic bag over her face! All the while he chugs beer and seems to relish every second! Out in the rainy streets, Jade narrowly escapes, as Wong continues to beat her until a friendly policeman tries to help. The cop played by Danny Lee, wearing a Magnum P.I. style Hawaiian shirt plays the ludicrously named Fire Ball Hung! The film taps into the cycle of abuse that effects the manipulator, the victim and their child.It also has the typical bungling police from most Cat III flicks that mangle the justice system and make Wong seem above the law.
I learned my wife beating technique from the late Ike Turner
Ball Hung tries to protect Jade and her son, acting as a surrogate father, which really pisses off his skanky girlfriend. Sam (Wong) is psychotic and finds his way back in, convincing her that she's his property and repeatedly tries to drown her in the bathtub. Jade finally gets fed up with Sam's bullshit, waiting for the moment to break from this caustic relationship and runaway with Ball Hung, who it turns out has the hots for her. The climax is pretty brutal and Sam richly deserves the punishment he receives, Love To Kill spares no mercy for repugnantly domineering husbands! 
   I recently discovered that Anthony Wong periodically sings in different bands (I hate to say it, but they're pretty tame considering his film work). Whenever I look up his career, I find it funny that they like to mention how his exploitive films were made only to support him financially, I totally don't buy into that at all, especially when you consider how much fun Wong is obviously having in these roles! Just own it, no back peddling, because exploitation films are already highly regarded with snobby art-house crowds, getting Criterion style re-releases. 
  So by now we've reviewed Run & Kill (which had a Surfin Bird lovin fat guy), Red To Kill (which had a hot-tard) and Love To Kill, a completely unrelated trilogy, which sound like they are connected, but aren't, just put any word in front of Kill and it equals box office success. Check them all out! 
Highly Recommended!
If only she didn't fart on my banana

Chinese Tom Selleck?

You've reached the law offices of Saul Goodman and Wong


Saturday, July 27, 2013

Mystics In Bali

Mystics In Bali (Leak) Directed By H. Tjut Dajalil

Starring IIona Agathe Bastian, Yos Santo, Sofia WD

Review by "Machine Gun" Kristin

"Mystics In Bali" starts off with a "Mondo Cane" esque horrific opening credit sequence of costumed black magic dwellers dancing around like crazy. I'm already scared within the first two minutes of such nightmare inducing imagery. 

Then, American citizen, Cathy (Ilona Agathe Bastian) is on a research assignment for an Indonesian Leák black magic book she's writing. She's accompanied by her guide,  mustached Mahendra (Yos Santo) dressed in a Notre Dame college t-shirt which subtly (haha) explains how he knows English. I remember in the "Mr. Sparkle" episode of "The Simpsons" they used a similar device. When Homer calls Japan he's connected to the only English speaking worker (voiced by Gedde Watanabe) wearing a "Champions Of Winning Suberb!" t-shirt. 
An unknown friend of Mahendra's somehow arranges a meeting with the evil powerful Queen of Leák (the late Sofia WD) in the middle of the woods. She loudly cackles constantly and sometimes grunts like Yoda. ("mmmm"). I wondered with this movie being overdubbed, what the original voice of the Queen sounded like. Unfortunately, Cathy is so obsessed with her book research, she dubiously agrees into serving the Queen by vicious methods disguised as lessons. The Queen casts a spell and gives Cathy a scribbly tattoo on her thigh. 
Meanwhile, Mahendra and Cathy are being followed by a mysterious girl who may or may not be involved in the Leák. After turd-like hair clip wearing Kathy goes alone to meet the Queen the third time, this movie takes an insane turn! We see these great, hideous transformations of Cathy turning into a giant breasted pig and later a mouse munching snake. These scenes are filmed in such a clever and effective way, with flashes of light and dark between the character's physical changes.
Even worse, (unknowingly) Kathy's fanged head (and attached organs) is summoned to devour an unborn baby for its young blood. This blood is reversing the Queen's age and increasing her magic powers. Towards the end, there's lots of great fighting scenes with crazy cartoon bolts and swirls of animated color. I couldn't help but giggle at the battle between the Queen and Mahendra's Great Uncle since he kinda looked like "Kids In The Hall"s Paul Bellini. The music score is pretty eerie as well, with booming percussion and early 80s synthesizer. This is a really crazy movie. 
Turd-onion ring hair clip
This movie's been all around the world! 

Watch HERE

Friday, July 26, 2013

Hot Bubblegum

HotBubble Gum (Lemon Popsicle 3) Directed By Boaz Davidson. Starring Zachi Noy.
When I first saw Hot Bubblegum on the IMPACT channel OnDemand, I was completely flabbergasted! What the fuck was I watching? An Israeli Porky's, a perverted American Graffiti? I immediately alerted Skunkape and sent him a dubbed copy (this was before the Youtube floodgates of instant streaming had taken effect)! Impact is a haven for TOG readers, they have tons of trashy movies, some not available on DVD. 
   This is actually the 3rd film in a series of sex comedies called Lemon Popsicle and it's the most vile.The characters behave like horny frat kids with constant angry boners. Everytime Huey (Zachi Noy), the lard-ass kid with a pompadour opens his foul mouth, the most rotten filth spews out. He sees a bunch of naked girls through a peep hole in a shower and says "Cunt City"! Then after getting buried up to his neck in the sand (later sort of copied in One Crazy Summer), a naked boy pees directly into his mouth! 
I said lemon popsicle not lemon pee-pipsicle
   Who's behind this series? The most wretched pedophiliac with enough money to pay for license copyrighted songs by the likes of Richie Valens, Elvis, Bill Haley and tons of other 50's rock and roll? No it's Boaz Davidson and The Cannon Film Group, of course who else! So come along on some of the most lurid adventures of Tel Aviv/ West German kids in the 50's.
   Benji, Huey, and Bobby/Momo get into wacky good times like; drugging girls at parties, riding around on bikes and literally eating lemon popsicles! 
   Warning this movie will force you to hate La Bamba! They seriously play it too death! Anytime Huey gets smacked around they play it over and over incessantly! It's like his beatdown theme song. 
   The dubbing is hysterical and often sounds like over exaggerated cartoons spouting x-rated language. Benji's parents sound like they are in a Jackie Mason impersonation contest. All the soundtracks are top notch oldies rocknroll and I'd imagine people who bought the tapes wondered what Lemon Popsicle was.
   Benji (Yftach Katzur) is wrapped up in a tryst with his ex Nikki (and his current girlfriend and he's sleeping with both of them). His current girlfriend Doris is bullied into having sex and he constantly berates her when she tries to take it slow. During a shower scene with Nikki, Steve Martin from Planes Trains & Automobiles favorite song "Three Coins in A Fountain" is heard. 
   Benji's super hot blonde cousin shows up and all of his friends end up having sex with her, but Huey gets stuck in her vagina! He says "Hey I thought this only happens to dogs"! It all ends on a hateful note as Benji threatens to punch Nikki in the face and the slut replaces him with a look-a-like. 
just out humpin on bikes
Lemon Popsicle: The Viagra Years 
   This film is responsible for all of the most raunchy 80's sex comedies and in my mind its the most pervy of all. American Pie, Losin It!, The Wanderers,Porky's, Jocks, the list is seriously endless and so many sex teen comedies are in debt to this one!  Davidson later remade the first film as The Last American Virgin and still works as a successful executive producer.The Lemon Popsicle gang continued on into sequels and I can attest that they got more painful as they went on, just watch Private Popsicle if you need further proof!  Huey showed up a few years later as a villain in Enter The Ninja in an all white suit with a hook hand! Highly Recommended!
There's also an obsessive site here (they even have fan fiction!)  
I change my mind, these urine flavored popsicles are delightful


Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Amin: The Rise & Fall

Amin: The Rise & Fall. Directed By Sharad Patel. Starring Joe Olita (1981).
After watching the brilliant Oscar winning contender The Last King Of Scotland with Forrest Whitaker, I had to track down this sleazy grindhouse version starring Joe Olita. In some ways both bizarrely counterbalance each other, nothing however is as frightening as the true story of the Ugandan maniac. 
   In these films, Amin strips off some human steak-um meat and dangles it over his hungry mouth, talking to severed heads in freezers and rationalizing about Deep Throat. The truth is even stranger and more twisted than fiction if you can believe that! I also recommend 1974’s Barbet Schroder documentary General Idi Amin Dada for the genuine article. In that film, the real Amin is very jolly and it gets creepier the more you realize what kind of sadistic butcher he was. 
Taste some of Amin's Homemade Cookies!!!
   The Rise and Fall is numbingly grim and the way Olita portrays the despot is unintentionally funny, especially when he gives off that rye chuckle and calls himself “Big Daddy”. He was a tyrannical madman hellbent on uprooting Uganda by way of death squads and enforcing a mandatory expulsion of all Asians, making him an African nationalist. The film comes off as vague in the historical department, even though they included British journalist Denis Hills who lived in Kampala at the time and was almost killed by a firing squad for his slanderous book called "The White Pumpkin". This film was geared toward the scum of the earth, not text book scholars and made to cash in during 1981, just two years after The Uganda-Tanzania War usurped his reign of terror.
   The Rise & Fall attempts to organize the history of Amin’s progression and though it’s in the Mondo range, it doesn’t recreate what’s not there. Jacopetti/ Prosperi are blatant liars who deceitfully show one thing and fabricate another (think of them as the granddaddies of Foxs News as well as “The Godfathers Of Mondo”). Amin was a admirer of Hitler and patterned his nationalist view of scapegoating Asians as draining the economy on the Nazis. He contracted syphilis early in his youth and never had it treated, resulting in mental decay and acts of frenzied behavior. He could also be very calculating and cruel, during one incident he forced political prisoners to bash in each others brains with sledgehammers. (Many of these accounts are from reality, the storyline in the film is pretty thin)! 

   The film begins with an overly decorated Amin riding around in his golf cart, promoting people to his cabinet and ordering assassinations. Olita is very difficult to understand, but he looks a lot like Amin, that I think they went with appearance instead of comprehensive acting delivery. Olita portrayed Amin again later on in Mississippi Masala.
   Amin appoints a doctor to care for his wife and when he goes to the fridge to get some ice, he almost shits his pants at the sight of two severed heads next to some frozen peas. The pacing is sluggish and there's too much of Amin walking around and meeting diplomats. 27 minutes in he kicks the doctor out (who's having the worse first week ever) and feasts on some human flesh. There's even a scene where Amin visits a witchdoctor to get political advice. 
enjoy these severed heads with a nice pea puree 

   It all ends on a sour note, much like in reality when Amin moved to Saudi Arabia and lived out a comfy life until he died of a heart attack in 2003.

   The director Sharad Patel was the executive producer of the Tom Hanks sex comedy Bachelor Party! I can only imagine going to a grimy theater and watching a triple feature of this, Gunyana-Cult The Damned and Goodbye Uncle Tom! There's no real reason to see this, since they made a better film about Amin with Schroeder's documentary and The Last King Of Scotland (which is what Idi referred to himself as). I know there are certain completist weirdos who have to watch every Charles Manson film also so if you are in that category then go for it and check this one out too!
Ugandan brain surgery 

Shirley Hemphill in a very special role

Move over Shelly Long, I'm taking over Troop Beverley Hills

Sunday, July 21, 2013


Deadline Directed By Mario Azzopardi. Starring Stephen Young. (1984).
   I hadn't seen this rare 1984 Canadian shocker in a few years, but its back on Youtube thanks to ExhumedVideo  a VHS rip of a film never released on DVD. 
   Steve Lessey, an award winning horror writer with a dysfunctional family has to get his script in on time to a slimeball producer, he's like a Canadian Garth Marenghi (who's a British Stephen King)! We periodically see what horrific images from in his mind (like cannibalistic nuns,murderous children and bloody boobs), they all seem spliced in, as if they could cut them out for network TV if they wanted (but we all know in the U.S., violence is more accepted than sex).
They paid me in food pellets
   During a college seminar, he shows a film with an evil goat that telepathically controls the gears of a thresher that chews up a working stiff. The college audience condemns his work as exploitive garbage and they take out their rage on his films.
   Lessey despises actresses and seems to hate woman (he almost punches his wife in the face), it's all part of the set-up later for you to blame him for his daughter's death! Another scene from within his mind, shows laughing children burning an old woman to death. The film gives gore fans something to latch onto and is very effective! The way the public despises horror and blames the writer for societies problems is very realistic. Stephen is another horror writer based on Stephen King (although when "that" real author is in control of his own film work, its always weak and pitiful)!
There was too much sauce in my calzone
   Deadline interjects constant disturbing images from the authors work as reality threatens to disrupt Steve's train of thought to meet that deadline. It's hard to sympathize with him because he's a terrible father and his coke addicted wife blames him for her problems. 
   You wonder if he is psychotic (or a misogynist) and is constantly tormented by images of extreme violence that serve him well financially. Steve is holding out on his producer and has enough material to give the degenerate breathing down his neck what he wants. All he has to do is type them out into a format, but he refuses because he wants to distance himself from schlock.
Don't worry we look like Nazis but we're actually Canadian
   One fantasy sequence shows a Nazi punk band (who all look like Klaus Nomi), they use the "Brown note" to make the audience literally shit their pants! I'm guessing this is Hitler's postmortem plan for world domination through diarrhea!
   Lessey is really jaded and bored of his own work, but his producer is thrilled by the punk storyline.
Reality comes crashing in as his children hang their little sister while watching one of his films called "The Executioner", his daughter is played by The Brood's Heather O' Rourke-esque Cindy Hinds.
The best character in the whole film is sleazy producer Burt Horowitz (played brilliantly by Marvin Goldhar), he talks about how "French chicks never bleed you dry, when you want to fuck them"! He's like a Canadian Tony Clifton with the pudgy looks of SCTV's Dave Thomas. Lessey's family life completely unravels and even though creative skill in the horror genre is the only thing he has left, he wants to throw it all in the trash. One night to forget his sorrows, he ends up at a party with tons of cocaine and sexy naked ladies, while acting like a Canadian Don Knotts, sashaying around the apartment like a goof! He always has a copy of his own films on hand and plays "The Executioner" at the party (what an narcissist)! 
   It gets pretty ugly as the film strip triggers a self-induced coked-out fever dream.
Chas Balun raved about this underrated gem in the catalog as being one of his personal favorites and it's really demented in a TV melodramatic way with tons of gore, just as much as an H.G. Lewis or construction worker safety video!
Sister Mary Open Heart Surgery
Someone should give this film a proper DVD release (Hey Shout Factory, The Town That Dreaded Sundown is on Blu Ray but not this? Come On)!! Check it out before it's gone from Youtube once again and hopefully someday a restored version will come out.


I learned it all by watching you son!

Kidz Bop version of The Monks

Too Frunk to Duck

Blah Blah, I'm Count Floyd!

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Yor Hunter from the Future

 If you need a beefy actor for your action film, you call Arnold Schwarzenegger, if he's not available maybe Jean-Claude Van Damme, if he can't do it perhaps Dolph Lundgren. Well you get the picture! All of these guys are to good for your shitty adventure film so it looks like your stuck with Reb Brown. Reb plays Yor, the mighty blonde barbarian who wears a medallion around his neck which holds the key to his past.(like Lonestar from Spaceballs)
 I will say that out of all the movies I've seen Reb Brown in, he's in top form physically. Unfortunately when the film begins that doesn't save him from looking like a goofball running down a mountain to the awesomely bad theme song Yor's World by Guido and Maurizio De Angelis . He looks as if he's going to lose his balance at any second.

"After I smack you, you'll be a Dino - Sore!"

Yor starts his day by saving the lovely Ka-Laa (Corinne Clery of Hitch Hike, Story of O) from a paper mache triceratops. Ka-Laa and her faithful guardian Pag (who looks like the Mentors' singer El Duce) take Yor back to their village. A few minutes later and the village gets attacked by some grubby cave dwelling tribe.They destroy everything and everybody except for our three heroes. Well maybe two heroes, Ka-Laa doesn't do to much except look good half naked. Pag at least has some skills with a bow and later we find out he's a pretty damn good trapeze artist.(that scene is priceless)

"What did you say your name was again, Ator?"

"I'm in the 4 -F Club."

Yor fights these cavemen and floods their beloved home(the caves), later he battles a rag clad fire worshiping tribe known as sand-people(insert Star Wars joke here) who worship a beautiful blonde women named Rea. Turns out, Yor and Rea are from the same race.(the blonde race perhaps?)They team up and fight their way out to freedom. When Yor reunites with Ka-Laa and Pag the addition of Rea creates a love triangle. Ka-Laa becomes jealous and cock blocks Yor every chance she gets! If this film was directed by Joe D' Amato instead of Antonio Margheriti, I'm sure the two ladies and Yor would be getting along just fine and enjoying a menage a trois within minutes. Luckily for Ka-Laa some remaining cave thugs who survived the flood show up and kill Rea giving her Yor all to herself.

Geico is so easy, that even a caveman can do it.

"Before I die, slip me the tongue!"

Yor and the gang discover another village, which of course is destroyed in minutes after they arrive but this time by lazers coming from the middle of the ocean. Yor takes a boat in order to see where these lazers are coming from and discovers an island run by a fellow known as Overlord (John Steiner). This  island is like no other with all kinds of technological advances and a deadly droid army. Is Yor any match for the Overlord and will he discover the mystery of his orgins there? Watch and see!

All Aboard, the Turd-tanic

"When you were little you starred in a reality show called Honey Yor Boo."

Infamous fat man on a trapeze scene

This film grows  on me every time I watch it. Sometimes the low budget action can seem tedious other times it can be a hoot depending on your mood. But if "yor" into Conan clones or even the occasional Road Warrior apocalypse knock off film then what are you waiting for? "Yor" in for a real treat!

7/10 on the CULT-O-METER

Theater of Guts
Tribute Trailer
It will be "Yor" favorite!

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