Lady Exterminator

Lady Exterminator (Barang Terlarang) Directed By Maman Firmansyah Starring H.I.M. Damsyik  (1987)

Eva Arnaz, the cover model looks like a Rambo clone with a bazooka, not a feminine Robert Ginty like you'd expect. In The Deep Red catalog this was under the title I Want To Get Even and for a rape/revenge Indonesian exploitation film, it has a shocking amount of conservative Christian values to preach!

   The commentator blurts out VIOLENT ASSASSIN!--- This is the first time I've ever had someone read the credits! It grabs you by the throat and shoves you into a heroin den with drooling junkies as the voice over recites the cast members (they seem exceptionally proud of this group of unknowns, who very well could be real junkies).

We ran out of drugs, can we borrow some

   Go For Broke, Commando WildCat or Lady Exterminator doesn't give us a minute to settle in for some character development or subtle nuances.This is another nonstop action Thai pro-female revenge flick (like its cousin Lady Terminator), and has a ton of alternate titles, its dubbed to sound Westernized. A bald drug lord named Cobra hangs out in a disco (he looks perpetually stoned), he's also an arms dealer with a band of chipper teenage assassins and a prostitution ring. 

   The Lady Exterminator or Irma endures a sweaty rape simulation from her husband Rudi. He seems to be a ticking time bomb of testosterone and furious male rage. There's a shrill disco song that sounds like an over-amped Ultravox instrumental that abruptly cuts to a backseat with a girl being shot up with morphine. The soundtrack at times also sounds like an 80's new wave coke fueled nightmare.

   Girls start panting and moaning but the most they do is roll over in their bras or while the humping begins, the action moves out of frame. During a sex scene with Cobra, one of his cronies seductively sucks her thumb while holding a machine gun!

   Censorship laws in Indonesia are like Amish country (I wonder what their action rip offs would looks like). Irma gets shot up and gang raped (with her clothes on)! In Virgins from Hell (another Thai action flick) there were many opportunities for gratuitous sex, but censorship laws are very strict! There is a lot of swearing and violence but hardly any nudity, which makes it kind of surreal. 
   Her husband drives Irma to a clinic and forces her to have an abortion, but she does a somersault, while the car is still moving. The Lady Exterminator keeps screaming that her baby is innocent and goes into a pro life/conservative Christian rant (normally I wouldn't agree with her), but Rudy is such a fucktard that its hard not too.

Here's a coat hanger let me abort it

Rudy is a real piece of shit who's hobbies include beating on pregnant girls, abusing prostitutes and raping. He hooks up with a gang of half shirt enforcers that includes an Asian Super Mario. 

Have you seen any bricks that spit out coins?

Cobra disappears and Rudy replaces him as the main villain, after he rapes Irma's friend in the woods, he grunts "Scream, implore, it makes me think of my wife's voice"! It doesn't end well for him after the gang connected to the sexual assault finds out. 

   The pacing of Lady Exterminator at times is like a warped melodrama, interjected by random kung fu fights and disco. Irma busts out of nowhere in a miniskirt with a bandana and incinerates bikers with her bazooka, while another guy shoots a machine gun that spits out cartoon fire. It actually ends with a Bible verse!! It's totally wacky, like a zero budget version of Virgins From Hell or Lady Terminator. This one is very hard to find, the first time I heard of it was through Shocking Videos (a sadly now closed mail order video service that was a good source for rare cult stuff). As far as I know this title is only available on VHS. 
Highly Recommended!

   

Barbecued biker

eat cartoon led

I'm so baked

Not Appearing in The Expendables 3

   

Mystics In Bali

Mystics In Bali (Leak) Directed By H. Tjut Dajalil

Starring IIona Agathe Bastian, Yos Santo, Sofia WD

Review by "Machine Gun" Kristin

"Mystics In Bali" starts off with a "Mondo Cane" esque horrific opening credit sequence of costumed black magic dwellers dancing around like crazy. I'm already scared within the first two minutes of such nightmare inducing imagery. 

Then, American citizen, Cathy (Ilona Agathe Bastian) is on a research assignment for an Indonesian Leák black magic book she's writing. She's accompanied by her guide,  mustached Mahendra (Yos Santo) dressed in a Notre Dame college t-shirt which subtly (haha) explains how he knows English. I remember in the "Mr. Sparkle" episode of "The Simpsons" they used a similar device. When Homer calls Japan he's connected to the only English speaking worker (voiced by Gedde Watanabe) wearing a "Champions Of Winning Suberb!" t-shirt. 

An unknown friend of Mahendra's somehow arranges a meeting with the evil powerful Queen of Leák (the late Sofia WD) in the middle of the woods. She loudly cackles constantly and sometimes grunts like Yoda. ("mmmm"). I wondered with this movie being overdubbed, what the original voice of the Queen sounded like. Unfortunately, Cathy is so obsessed with her book research, she dubiously agrees into serving the Queen by vicious methods disguised as lessons. The Queen casts a spell and gives Cathy a scribbly tattoo on her thigh. 

Meanwhile, Mahendra and Cathy are being followed by a mysterious girl who may or may not be involved in the Leák. After turd-like hair clip wearing Kathy goes alone to meet the Queen the third time, this movie takes an insane turn! We see these great, hideous transformations of Cathy turning into a giant breasted pig and later a mouse munching snake. These scenes are filmed in such a clever and effective way, with flashes of light and dark between the character's physical changes.

Even worse, (unknowingly) Kathy's fanged head (and attached organs) is summoned to devour an unborn baby for its young blood. This blood is reversing the Queen's age and increasing her magic powers. Towards the end, there's lots of great fighting scenes with crazy cartoon bolts and swirls of animated color. I couldn't help but giggle at the battle between the Queen and Mahendra's Great Uncle since he kinda looked like "Kids In The Hall"s Paul Bellini. The music score is pretty eerie as well, with booming percussion and early 80s synthesizer. This is a really crazy movie. 

Turd-onion ring hair clip

This movie's been all around the world! 

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Lady Terminator

Lady Terminator (The Nasty Hunter or Queen Of The South Coast Of Vengeance) Directed By H. Tjut Djalili (aka Jalil Jackson). Starring Barbara Anne Constable (1989).

   It starts off with a Martin Sheen like voice over that says "The past should gather dust in recorded time". And lots of waves crash against a sex castle! What's that you say? What's a sex castle? just a castle that contains a venomous  superhorny seawitch, who can use her kegel muscles to crush your peen to smithereens!

Vagina muscles activate!

   Like an Indonesian Ilsa She Wolf of The SS, no man can satisfy her and live, some white dude accomplishes the impossible long enough for a snake to crawl away from her poon and turn into a knife!! The seawitch is so pissed off, that she swears revenge and vows to return as an asskicking leatherclad cyborg she-bitch in the future! 

Lady Robocop?

   Lady Terminator by itself is very original with siren mythology and witchcraft, did they need to re-enact a shot for shot re-eneactment of James Cameron's landmark film, YES! Of course they fucking did!! That's what makes this film so incredible! 

   An 80's playmate looking Anthropologist (Tania Wilson, played by Barbara Anne Constable) visits a dusty old library to start a thesis on the South Sea Queen. Barbara is very attractive, in real life she was a model from England, who appeared in Australian Penthouse, Yowza!

   She hops on a boat in a black bikini with a drunk captain who looks like a grizzled William Marshall. She's takes her research to the sea and after being offended says "I'm not a lady, I'm an Anthropologist"!  

  While down under scuba diving, she disappears, then reemerges strapped to a bed spread eagle as a magical snake slithers up her vagina (through her bikini, by the way)! 

BLAMMO!

I remember fondly when the same thing happened to Schwarzenegger (wait, that was something else)!

   Ok now comes the point where the film starts to re-create The James Cameron original. She encounters two "Americanized" punks who creatively swear and say outlandish things like "I should marry my fist, I use it so much"! These are some choice lines of dialogue. 

   She has sex with both of them and is now equipped with a part snake, part vagina that chews up dicks! Blue lightning starts flying out of her eyeballs and around the room, she is in full possession mode as the Sea queen's revenge takes over! 

Don Imus to the rescue

   I love over dubbed fake Americans in Foreign films, and LT has tons of them, all saying ridiculous lines! A popstar named Ericka shows up (she looks like a more attractive Asian Vanity). Her and a friend are chased around by Lady T in a mall and she kills a couple of women in the bathroom, she mysteriously has robot vision and uses an uzi. 

   It turns out Ericka is related to the defeater of The Sea Witch from the beginning and Lady Terminator is killing anyone attached to her. There's a massacre at a disco as LT keeps getting blasted with shotguns over and over and keeps getting up. Someone on the dance floor even says "Come with me If you want to live", that Iconic Terminator line and I swear, some of this was slightly borrowed for T2, but don't let James Cameron know! 

Another Eunuch! Ouch!

   Ericka hooks up with a fake Michael Biehn, well not really, he's just a regular cop and they get into a high speed chase with tons of gunfire. 

   Later on his stoned buddies show up, one of them named Snake has a processed mullet and a voice like a Ninja Turtle! 

   Lady Terminator smashes through the police station, cutting people in half with her car and pouring bullets into people wearing riot squad gear! 

Yum, Shredded Pork

   Ericka's grandfather shows up and attempts to destroy the sea witch with magic, but Lady Terminator turns his crotch into shredded pork! 

   There's an eye surgery scene that only exists to emulate the original Terminator! 

   After she is firebombed, her skin gets flayed off and she looks like a mummy with barbecued skin and hair and can shoot red lasers out of her eyeballs! Lady Terminator is a must see film and should be on those 1000 movies to see before you die lists, it's that amazing!! Check out this awesome interview with the star of the film! Here

Highly Recommended, a bonafide must see classic!

Barbecued Laser Cats

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