Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Return to Frogtown aka Frogtown 2

-Reviewed by Skunkape-

Directed by Donald G. Jackson (1992)

Coming up next month is Theater of Guts' tribute to USA Up All Night, so what better way to lead into that then with a movie that features Rhonda Sheer! She has a really tiny part as F.U.Z.Z.Y. but this is still some really darn good segue!
What the heck is F.U.Z.Z.Y. an acronym for? If I ever find out I'll let you know!

"It's going to be tough to stay up all night when you watch this one!"
It's still a run down apocalyptic world and Frogtown is just another ghetto. After Sam Hell messed up the green bastards and took down Commander Toty last time Frogtown has remained peaceful. Things can't seem to stay that way apparently. A frog called Czar Frogmeister is leading an uprising, he's kidnapped a Professor Tanzer who's being forced to create a serum that will turn everyone in the world green. Commander Toty is also back, he's been reconstructed with a robot head! The almighty Frogmeister is also trying to genetically engineer frog people to create a new frog army. His one and only experiment was a failure. He made a frog that can talk but won't grow, he's only about a foot tall and goes by the name Frogmeister Junior. Junior is a puppet and really is the JarJar/Eddie Deezen of the film always making dumb comments and speaks in a goofy high pitch voice. This character must have certainly paved the way for another Donald G. Jackson turd called Rollergator.


Green's Anatomy

"Hi Ho, Eddie Greenzin here."

The original Hell Comes to Frogtown was on USA UP All Night and is a cult classic loved by millions. Rowdy Roddy Piper was Sam Hell (you knew that) but in this low budget sequel he's played by none other than Rob Z'Dar. This is a welcome change in my book, however Z'Dar delivers every line as dry as possible playing the movie just so straight. This really could have been his time to shine but I guess his giant acting chops just weren't cut out for a leading role. His character is no longer supplying sperm to populate the world, he's a Rocket Ranger, which is basically a policeman with a jet pack. Rocket Rangers are the ones that keep the frog people in check, also back working with the Rangers is Dr. Spangle now played by Denise Duff. All the characters seem to suck the fun right out of the corny concepts that the movie has to offer except for Brion James who plays the professor. He's so over the top that it makes the performance too weird and really not all that funny.

"You two smell like pond water!"

"Why isn't it easy being green?"

If I may take a moment to address something about character actor Brion James. You know him and love, him he's worked with mega stars such as Harrison Ford in Blade Runner and Louie Anderson in Wrong Guys :) , but whats with him and Pterodactyls? In a brief cameo in the film Blue Sunshine he does an awesome impression of one at a party then years later he stars and produces in a film called Pterodactyl Woman in Beverly Hills. And That is the Brion James Pterodactyl connection!

-Skunkape, you're stupid he's doing Rodan not a generic Pterodactyl!!!-

Frogtown II still has lots of eye candy showcasing recycled frog masks from the first, cool desert scenery, and it has a strong supporting cast (Don Stroud, Linda Singer, Charles Napier, Lou Ferrigno) but is it enough to make it worth your while? I did say Lou "The Hulk" Ferrigno" but you won't even like him in this when he's not angry. The Frogs claim to be meaner and greener expressed in a heavy metal concert performed in one of the frog bars that I must say is pretty damn entertaining. After this, things for the world of Frogs got much worse with Donald Jackson's shot on video poop Max Hell Frog Warrior and Toad Warrior. If you're a post nuke movie fan or a Rob Z'Dar enthusiast then take a chance on Return to Frogtown, sit on your lily pad and whip up a peanut butter and fly sandwich and enjoy the show!
Is this Toad The Wet Sprocket?

A sure way to get genital warts.

"The Frogmeister!, making copies, Froggy, Frog- atola"

Samurai Frog Cop

I can't recommend this so
5/10 Fruit flies that are eating the 5/10 bananas!
Follow me on twitter @TrailersPU

Here's a new trailer for you with lots of frog jokes that I left out of the review!
The original trailer boasts that it's "Ribbit"ing entertainment!
So Ribbit, Ribbit Good!
in Frogtown 2 Polywog Flystew

Monday, April 23, 2018

Ain't No Way Back

No Way Back Directed By Michael Sweney, Starring Campbell Scott. (1990).

Everything about this opening from the commodore computer graphics to the corporate high-rise is pre-Neil Breen before that chucklehead even existed. It's a no budget Deliverance copy with Campbell Scott, the guy from such Gen-X classics as Singles and Powder, he reminds me of Michael Stipe. This was churned out by Troma, I found it even worse than Dumpster Baby if that's an endorsement! Lloyd Kaufman and company have so much garbage it's always weird to me how Chas resorted to peddling them on the street market. This one is described in the catalog as containing "Moonshiner mutants" but there are zero to be seen, maybe this is the wrong movie.

does this hat make me look like Merle Haggard?

The narrator reminisces about his gay relationship with his chum. Could this be a Proto Brokeback Mountain?

We've tackled A few hixsploits before like Poor Pretty Eddie, Prime Cut, Hunters Blood but so for this one seems like a lamest of that genre. Maybe I had a feeling about it, that's the reason it's taking me so long to review it. There's a lot of terrible stock footage with Campbell acting or reacting to it. I wish they would remake this with Aziz Ansari and Michael Stipe in an off Broadway play. The scary hillbillies wear newsboy caps and suspenders not a very menacing look.

Hicksters, PFFT am I right?

Campbell Scott even mentions how he doesn't want to be chased by the cast of a certain copyrighted John Boorman film, even though the banjo kid ended up in Blastfighter.

Did you say you were a film buff or a buttfreak?

The Azis guy wears a red baseball cap, now every time I see it I think of the stupid Nazi president. 
Scott hobbles around because he got stuck by a giant twig. All of a sudden it morphs into an episode of Little House on the Prairie with Uncle Leo from Seinfeld.

you mean I gotta leave Miami because of that antisemite? 

I watched Little House as a kid, because my Dad was obsessed with it, I just can't believe that old timey bullshit was ever on TV.

It's even weirder that Troma acquired this release because who has the attention span for a rejected old timey prospector episode?

ACKKK MAKE IT STOP! I'll do a sequel to Powder!

Campbell gets shot and nursed back to health buy buy some hillbilly chick. And then he teaches her about capitalism--way to go America. Remember how Powder was controversial because the director was convicted child molester, I saw that in the Coral springs movie theater when it came out. As shitty as that other movie was it makes this one look even worse. This film is halfway thru and they still haven't introduced any inbred rapist or southern justice kind of crucial plot elements that would make it any better. Well one hillbilly scares him enough to try and figure out how to use a gun. Mildly interesting but really not enough to save this film. The only interesting part so far is one Uncle Leo forces Campbell to kill chickens for dinner.


Monday, April 16, 2018

Voices From Beyond

Voices From Beyond Directed By Lucio Fulci, Starring Karina Huff (1991).

Maybe you heard that Fulci made a kids movie about a lovable wolf dog named White Fang with Franco Nero and wanted to check it out. Well, if you like extreme gore and sexual violence try this made for TV romp instead! It begins with an old dude named Giorgio (Duilio Del Prete) in the middle of boning his lady friend while an annoying moppet rudely interrupts. He grabs a knife and goes to silence the kid. It gets pretty ugly as he stabs the shit outta him. Amazon Prime bought a bunch of Code Red flicks that are currently streaming. So don’t sleep on it, because they may all be gone soon. CR is one of those elusive companies that I've bitched about in the past, they promise all these exploitative gems bursting with extras (like the Human Experiments one that had Vincent Gallo interviewing Lynda Haynes that may not even exist) and they all fetch for high ass prices on Ebay and are either in the hands of a select few or impossible to find.

Shut up about Vincent Gallo, I'm gonna retch!

Lucio Fulci wrote the script as well, which is rare for him. The lighting is very soft on a tele novella style and Stelvio Cipriani really phones in a terrible score which is a tragedy because he’s one of the best soundtrack guys.

We get lots of the normal eye zooms and weird looking people which is patented Fulci trait. During a nasty abdominal incision performed by the director himself, they don’t even bother to shave his belly, it’s pretty vile!

OK so this is where the mangina will go.

We do in deed hear the "voices from beyond" as advertised. There’s a lot of Italian dudes in weird oversized dykey glasses. Rosy (Karina Huff) a frumpy but mildly attractive girl comes home to find all these bitches hated her dad (the guy in the beginning who stabs the kid). We see the currently dead Giorgio’s past encounters and we get to meet the performers this way. Even after death he doesn’t stop quawking. Blab Blab blab, at one point he continues to talk even after worms are munching on the cartilage of his face!


Rosey looks like an extra from Full House and she keeps having nightmares of him chasing her. Man what happened to Fulci? I think it has a lot to do with him separating from his best screen writer Dardano Sachetti. At the time, Sachetti was writing for Fabrizio De Angelis and working on a few TV shows like The Return of Ribot (whatever that was). You’d have to put up with a lot of dopeyness to like this one it’s pretty retarded.

Am I stylin' or what?

There’s an old dude they refer to as a mummy that actor was in the Van Damme Rodman flick Double Team and Cannibal Holocaust, impressed? We get some Jess Franco looking zombies in a dream sequence, man how low has Fulci sunk to rely on shitty zombies? This is almost depressing. Rosy shows off her weird boobs, so stick around for that or maybe just take a nap and set an alarm. Oh and there’s a bunch of talking eyeballs that squirt blood! Keep in mind these are nightmares and possibly a record for dream sequences. The film was dedicated to Clive Barker. If you want to simultaneously be depressed and amused than dial this flick up on instant. More Code Red goodies are available so check them out before they disappear again or don't see if I care!

I taught Rodman everything about North Korea
Do my boobs look that weird?

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