Monday, February 27, 2017

Nekromantik 2

Nekromantik 2. Directed By Jorg Buttgereit, Starring Monika M. (1991).

There are a couple of things I noticed first hand while watching this film after successfully avoiding it for years. It's downright classy and yet all the scum and filth is now under a microscope for you to masturbate too--ahem--I mean see clearly, no longer is it able to hide in the grime of super 8 blown up to the next film stock level. There's more women this time around and even thought they perform repulsive, vomit inducing acts, they all look stunning. Monika M. takes over for the previous corpse fornicator Beatrice, whom we see for a few minutes but she doesn't want to be a third wheel and bails.

It's over, you laid a rancid beefncheeser after that Arby's pig out session!

I liked how in this film there's a lot of thrift store nic nacs (like a 60's Fred Flintstone bank, a naked lady toilet paper holder), it's kitschy and the same kind of garbage I collect. Buttgereit is injecting humor this time around, (even though I still found that cum squirting papier mache suicide penis from the previous movie pretty hilarious, but I'm in the minority).

Available at the finer Ross Dress for Less establishments.

There's an emphasis on the Rom part as opposed to the Nekro, but rotting corpse fans still have lots of eye candy to chew on. Monika M. is the main protagonist wrestling with her revolting obsession to grind the rigor mortis out of the excruciatingly green, slimy dead body of Rob, (Daktari Lorenz's character from the 1st film). She is a major fan of his and even has his suicide headline tacked on her wall!

Mark (Mark Reeder), a dude who does noises for porn flix crosses paths with Monika at a movie premiere, which even has a Hitchcockian cameo by Jorg himself! There's a wacky parody of My Dinner With Andre that was on a Mighty Boosh level of goofiness. Reeder directed a Berlin punk documentary called B-Movie: Lust & Sound in West Berlin, which has a cavalcade of stars, including Blixa Bargeld, Nick Cave, David Hasselhoff and even the late David Bowie!

Holy Shit, Ladies and Gentlemen here comes "The Hoff" to sing this Einsturzen cover of "Dah Dah Dah"!

The new found couple have a fun time eating soft boiled eggs, riding a Ferris wheel-- you know typical date stuff! Critics have bitched about the pacing, and by that, I mean people on IMDb who can't figure out how to spell properly! Sheesh! R.I.P. film criticism!

So, Monika gets out her baby saw, yellow kitchen gloves and starts cutting up the dead corpse of Rob. I guess she already got her rocks off and wants this used up sex toy out of the apartment, I mean it's embarrassing already!

God! For a nurse, she seems to be pulling in a lot of hard work off the clock at least the girl in the first film had time to relax with a nice "Countess Bathory style red bath! "Calgon, Take Me Away!" I mean just watching her saw off that pustule, decomposing head looks like grudge work, that's the part on Dexter they make look effortless! My favorite part is how she actually puts Cling wrap on the stumpy, shriveled black rotten penis (what is she saving it for later--why not, it's the weekend)!

I just can't quit you Miles Davis and I hope these spaghetti sauce stains come out.

When Slayer wrote "Necrophiliac", I highly doubt they imagined a foxy babe that's dissatisfied with fucking the living. I was thinking this could be the subject of the next "50 Shades" movie, I mean isn't that what this new scary version of mainstream America wants?

There's a super tripped out piano song that's just what I was thinking "Love Me Deadly" needed!
The relationship dynamics are pretty intelligent, even if they are hardly noticed by Mondo snuff, Faces of Death fanatics craving their next shock value injection. 

One vile scene, which Skunkape explained to me, shows adorable seals that were butchered and mutilated, but apparently they were about to die and Buttgereit used this for shock value as he did with the skinned rabbits from the original film. During this part I'd image Crazy Ernie, the seal clubbing car salesmen from UHF would jerk off to this scene. This horrendous tape is used as a passive aggressive jab at us the audience and the boyfriend character, it's forcing us to come to terms with what we find arousing versus repugnant. It's mean spirited but necessary, especially aimed at gorehounds who connect snuff, porn and typical slashers as all in the same league.

I give Jorg all the credit, he does a great job and this is a lot better sequel than I expected. I think this one was worth the wait. The first time I became aware of this film was through Deep Red Alert #1, which came out the summer I entered high school and yes, I was attracted to the naked babe sitting atop of the grisly fetid looking dead fucker. It's the same reaction I'd imagine the grindhouse going crowd watched the 40s exploitation Kroger Bab flick Mom and Dad and focused on the vagina erupting a human baby and ignored the spewing liquids and shrieking mouth, they just zoomed in on the surrounding pubic area. OK now I'm officially disgusted with myself thanks a lot Jorg! I'm confident that's the reaction he was driving for, nice work!

SHAMELESS PROMOTION ALERT! Graham Rae was kind enough to mention TOG in the Nekromantik comic book, which is available from All you have to do is message them and paypal the money, it's totally easy, go order one now.


Thursday, February 23, 2017

Shameless promotion alert: TOG Media conglomerate uprising

OK, so those familiar with one of my all time fav t-shirt dealers of Redbubble should know I've partnered up with Loogyhead (he has a new name but all you need to know is that he's talented and can churn out the goods). We've got a few designs now for that spring weather coming up, so be a fashionite with our new Gates of Hell vomits up our logo design right here, Whattya gonna spend your money on anyhow more toilet seats? Get buying sos we can trek on down to the dispensary or the beer store and get more inebriated. Thanks for all the support sincerely Bartles and James. BUY OR DIE RIGHT HERE

for those not familiar here's loogys other redbubble shirt pages.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Kris Gilpin IMHO Dept: 2 Larry Buchanan flicks

Crank here, I may have already covered Mistress of the Apes, but my pal the legendary Deep Red, Draculina, Subhuman scribe Kris Gilpin has actually hung out with Larry Buchanan himself and got the dirt on what went down in banana town, if you get my drift! If you don't know what I'm referencing, that's OK me neither. Anyway read on.

2 B-boobs from Buchanan!": By Kris Gilpin 

 Mistress Of The Apes bubblegum cards

Jenny (Hell Night, Stage Fright) Neumann stars in our beloved schlockmeister Larry Buchanan's Mistress of the Apes (1979), which he wrote & directed & is available on an appropriately named CheesyFlicks.Com DVD.

She leads an African expedition in search of her hubby, and one of the bad guys is Stuart (Batman Returns & 5 other Buchanans) Lancaster, who gets kicked in the balls by the stunning Barbara (The Student Nurses) Leigh.

Early, ape-suit & ape-man make ups are by Rob Bottin & Greg Cannom (!), and they are cheap (natch) but effective. The D.P. is Nicholas Josef (Dolemite & 2 more Buchanans) von Sternberg, son of famed director Josef von Sternberg (!).

This is really more of a "tit flick," for which the sexy Jenny & Barbara gladly give them up, than an adventure flick & just to make it B-sier, L.B. put cringe-worthy, shit songs in here which go, "Ooo ooo, eee eee! She's an ape lady, she's the Mistress of the Apes!" & "Ape mother, ape lover, she's a Mistress of the Apes!" check out the vid here
It's all quite cheesy indeed & anyone in interested in the R-rated L.B. epics should check this one out...

2) Beyond The Doors (Down on Us). 

10 years later, Buchanan wrote/directed a crazy music-conspiracy epic called Beyond the Doors (alternative, better title: Down on Us), about how Tricky Dick & the Feds conspired to kill & cover up said murders of Hendrix, Joplin & Jim Morrison. This thing is so amusing & stunningly boring both at the same time, it makes for a funny party flick.

Gregory (his only film) Allen Chatman is OK as Jimi, he has his speaking & voice mannerisms down alright. Riba Meryl (she had also played Joplin 2 years earlier in the TV show, Throb!) also seems OK as Janis (I wouldn't really know tho, as I could never get into her vocals & I loved The Doors musically, but Morrison frankly never did anything for me as a singer/poet) & Bryan Wolf mumbles and stumbles around as a constantly moronic, stoned-out Jim Morrison (ha) & apparently, the actor had this credit, his only acting part, too, removed from IMDb (ha!).

how did he sing so low with balls in a vice?

Ubiquitous character actor Sandy (Hogan's Heroes, Buchanan's The Loch Ness Horror) Kenyon is the evil Head Fed (to his son: "I told you, no n----r music when I have guests in this house!") & Stuart Lancaster has a cameo as a disgusted cabbie (to Janis: "I ain't got a rug on the floor of my cab, I got linoleum, that's for puke from people like you assholes!"). Almost interestingly, this has Buchanan's only penis shot in a film (I think, the DVD-A copy I have is so blurry it's hard to tell), there are more breasts here & F bombs, and Nick von Sternberg shot this one, too.

 photo tumblr_nbgl8okypz1r745vdo2_500.gif
what me worry?

Unfortunately, the 2-hour running time (an eternity for a L.B. flick!) is padded out by crappy, unending Hendrix/Joplin/Doors knock-off numbers, when there should mercifully have only been one song each in the film representing each group, I can't imagine sitting thru these Shit Songs with a fast-forward button in a theater! And Buchanan's staging of Woodstock takes place in a darkened room, not on a field during daylight (ha!). And I was stunned to see what looks to be the only slow, dolly shot the director ever used for one of his films (!), during one of the popcorn-run-inducing musical numbers.

Ending with the Tricky Dick (followed by George W. Bushit, followed by the Trumprick...) quote, "When the President does it, that means it not illegal!" Down on Us is a goofy/campy snicker fest, if you can just stay awake thru those deadly musical fillers!...

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Dark Waters

Dark Waters (Temnye vody) Directed Mariano Baino, starring Louise Salter (1993).

I decided to pick this Lovecraftian Nunsploit shot in the Ukraine from the catalog. No, it’s not the Japanese Dark Water by Ringu director Hideo Nakata, which was remade with Jennifer Connolly. In fact, I actually liked this one more. The Baino film, which is his debut, starts off on a blasphemous note as a priest is drowned and then impaled by a cross, while a nun is mysteriously pushed over a sea side cliff. I'm stoked to see what heavy metal wackiness will erupt forth next like the spirit of Nyarlathotep. No that’s not a typo because this one takes place in the briny terrain of an Innsmouth-like cult, minus the inbreeding and the fishy lips. This is all deliberate and Mariano was very much influenced by Lovecraft. He was also a big fan of Graham Masterton, the genius behind one of my all time favorite schlocky Indian backne midget demons The Manitou!   
A cracked Flavor Flav style Pazuzu-ish medallion is placed in a keep sake box by the nuns,
left there for some predictable foreshadowing later.

What time is it? Time to drop a shit ton of LSD

The last mainstream disparagement toward those punishment craving nuns I can think of was the “Shame” dungeon sister featured on the Game of Thrones religious cult.
The score is very Boswell sounding, which works out pretty good.
Down in the depths of a cave there’s flaming crosses and flagellant nuns, (meaning cloistered bippies whipping themselves for sexual kicks not those with bad gas)!

I'd be cautious around that open flame during pork and beans night at the convent

Louise Salter, a British actress all decked out in sexy red leather is eager to reach the island of the eyeless creepy nuns, she's there to lower the boom and cut their funding after the death of her father, who was a big supporter of their satanic shenanigans. Little does she know they have some wicked plans for her and it gets worse, considering there's devious connections between her parents and these horrid bitches.
This film is extremely wet and European, it's always raining and the characters all speak in a gruff Eastern block-ish dialect, the kind that warms the frigid cockles of the alt-right Putin lovin suck ups. One loony aboard the vessel feasts of entrails and looks as if he sorely regretted taking the 20$ for this shitty bit part acting gig!

In the catalog, Chas mentions the shopping cart Sam Raimi “shakey cam” and the atmospheric set design, I think this director is pretty talented and besides DW, he’s only put out short films.
These eerie nuns seem to never catch any ZZZZ's, they stay up all night with torches walking around from dusk till dawn. Some of them act like the blind dead, wearing robes and lunging forward to strangling the shit outta anyone within reach. Elizabeth has one tripped out freaky nightmare showing a crucified nun with a withered face and candy corn teeth who levitates forward behind two cackling bug eyed kids.

OK kids smile for school picture day!

It must be a bitch to charter a boat, (Fuck that shit, I would've fashioned a Gillian's Island one out of bamboo to escape this claustrophobic dump)! That aspect sort of reminded me of The Wickerman.

It gets worse after it turns out this little pirozhki has family connections to these island hags and her chickens all come home to roost or something, I was slightly confused there's an "unbearable lightness of being" amount of metaphorical subtext. I guess I shouldn’t keep bringing up Russian references, (that last one was Czech by the way), because this director only filmed in that location because it was the financier’s idea--Mariano is Italian. He mentions this in an interview with


Nuns still have no fun like the Mercyful Fate tune goes and what's worse they are pyromaniacs!
Definitely stick around for the bat shit crazy ending where the main character’s mutant naked twin makes an appearance and the Pazuzu puzzle piece grants her the fortitude to yank out nun guts and chew them up like snausages! I think I need intense therapy now! Even though this one is like a Catholic Innsmouth with a Sentinel (1977) type element, it’s more original, super weird and worth seeking out. There's a new special edition DVD with commentary and a featurette which seems cool, because I heard that they apparently filmed near radiation infected landscapes and the flaming crosses almost demolished the set. Worth a shot, check it out!


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