Kris Gilpin IMHO Dept: 2 Larry Buchanan flicks

Crank here, I may have already covered Mistress of the Apes, but my pal the legendary Deep Red, Draculina, Subhuman scribe Kris Gilpin has actually hung out with Larry Buchanan himself and got the dirt on what went down in banana town, if you get my drift! If you don't know what I'm referencing, that's OK me neither. Anyway read on.

2 B-boobs from Buchanan!": By Kris Gilpin 

 Mistress Of The Apes bubblegum cards

Jenny (Hell Night, Stage Fright) Neumann stars in our beloved schlockmeister Larry Buchanan's Mistress of the Apes (1979), which he wrote & directed & is available on an appropriately named CheesyFlicks.Com DVD.

She leads an African expedition in search of her hubby, and one of the bad guys is Stuart (Batman Returns & 5 other Buchanans) Lancaster, who gets kicked in the balls by the stunning Barbara (The Student Nurses) Leigh.

Early, ape-suit & ape-man make ups are by Rob Bottin & Greg Cannom (!), and they are cheap (natch) but effective. The D.P. is Nicholas Josef (Dolemite & 2 more Buchanans) von Sternberg, son of famed director Josef von Sternberg (!).

This is really more of a "tit flick," for which the sexy Jenny & Barbara gladly give them up, than an adventure flick & just to make it B-sier, L.B. put cringe-worthy, shit songs in here which go, "Ooo ooo, eee eee! She's an ape lady, she's the Mistress of the Apes!" & "Ape mother, ape lover, she's a Mistress of the Apes!" check out the vid here. 

It's all quite cheesy indeed & anyone in interested in the R-rated L.B. epics should check this one out...

2) Beyond The Doors (Down on Us). 

10 years later, Buchanan wrote/directed a crazy music-conspiracy epic called Beyond the Doors (alternative, better title: Down on Us), about how Tricky Dick & the Feds conspired to kill & cover up said murders of Hendrix, Joplin & Jim Morrison. This thing is so amusing & stunningly boring both at the same time, it makes for a funny party flick.

Gregory (his only film) Allen Chatman is OK as Jimi, he has his speaking & voice mannerisms down alright. Riba Meryl (she had also played Joplin 2 years earlier in the TV show, Throb!) also seems OK as Janis (I wouldn't really know tho, as I could never get into her vocals & I loved The Doors musically, but Morrison frankly never did anything for me as a singer/poet) & Bryan Wolf mumbles and stumbles around as a constantly moronic, stoned-out Jim Morrison (ha) & apparently, the actor had this credit, his only acting part, too, removed from IMDb (ha!).

how did he sing so low with balls in a vice?

Ubiquitous character actor Sandy (Hogan's Heroes, Buchanan's The Loch Ness Horror) Kenyon is the evil Head Fed (to his son: "I told you, no n----r music when I have guests in this house!") & Stuart Lancaster has a cameo as a disgusted cabbie (to Janis: "I ain't got a rug on the floor of my cab, I got linoleum, that's for puke from people like you assholes!"). Almost interestingly, this has Buchanan's only penis shot in a film (I think, the DVD-A copy I have is so blurry it's hard to tell), there are more breasts here & F bombs, and Nick von Sternberg shot this one, too.

what me worry?

Unfortunately, the 2-hour running time (an eternity for a L.B. flick!) is padded out by crappy, unending Hendrix/Joplin/Doors knock-off numbers, when there should mercifully have only been one song each in the film representing each group, I can't imagine sitting thru these Shit Songs with a fast-forward button in a theater! And Buchanan's staging of Woodstock takes place in a darkened room, not on a field during daylight (ha!). And I was stunned to see what looks to be the only slow, dolly shot the director ever used for one of his films (!), during one of the popcorn-run-inducing musical numbers.

Ending with the Tricky Dick (followed by George W. Bushit, followed by the Trumprick...) quote, "When the President does it, that means it not illegal!" Down on Us is a goofy/campy snicker fest, if you can just stay awake thru those deadly musical fillers!...

ROCKTOBER BLOOD

Rocktober Blood Directed by Beverley Sebastian, Starring Tray Loren (1984).

Reviewed by Michael Hauss

This movie really hit home for me! The thoughts that music can influence the decisions you make in your everyday life was something that I could relate to, because it had happened to me! When I was a card carrying member of the West Side Mullets, a group of the most ferocious tough guys in mullets, you’d ever want to meet, I became addicted to playing the cryptic, satanic music of that spawned goddess of Satan, Cher. I found that when I played her songs backwards,  I could hear faint chants of Satan saying “Buy Ovaltine!” Well of course after hearing this I immersed myself in the sub-culture that surrounded the great Cher, spiraling downwards with my addiction to Ovaltine, until I read in the World News that she had married Batboy and knew then and there that she could never love me! I, like most other young people in the 80’s also have a story about how their dog told them to kill, but that’s another story for another time.

Any who! This 1984 film is a decent enough little flick about a messed up Rock N Roll singer named Billy Eye (Tray Loren), who goes on a killing spree, killing twenty-five people and almost killing Lynn Starling (Donna Scroggins), the girl he was shagging and had written the song “Rainbow Eyes” for. A year after Billy’s execution, the band has reformed and goes under the name Head Mistress and is now being fronted by Lynn. At the reformation party Lynn is stalked by Billy Eye, but, how could it be Billy? He had been executed the year before for the string of murders he committed against “Rock N Rollers.” But it is Billy (or is it?), unfortunately no one believes Lynn, thinking her crazy. Chris who is the producer and the new shagging partner of Lynn, sends her to the cabin by the lake to get away from the crazy atmosphere surrounding the groups restart. While at the lake with Donna (Renee Hubbard) and Honey (Cana Cockrell), they do aerobics to release some tension and Billy appears and kills Donna and harasses Lynn, right after she gets out of a long bath scene (where she displays one of the most impressive tan lines ever), until the worried Chris shows up and is stabbed by Lynn, who thought he was Billy.

Guinness book you've got your record for whitest ass of all time

The show must go on, as they say! But, not before Lynn and Honey go and dig up the grave of Billy. Chris shows up to aid the girls after they had done all the digging and when they open the casket they discover the skeletal body of Billy. Thus proving to Lynn that Billy is dead and maybe, just maybe she is just imaging Billy’s alive! The night of their first show, a plot twist is revealed and kind of ruins the movie. But, the last few songs like “Killer on the Loose,” and “I’m Back” both performed by Billy in an ape mask, and Lynn performing the song written for her by Billy “Rainbow Eyes, are effective songs and worth the view alone. The ending is a What-the-Fuck moment and may have been left opened ended for a possible sequel, which never happened.

I SHOULD'VE HAD A V-8

I had fun with the flick which I viewed on YouTube after having this recommended to me by the owner of this blog, Erok Hellhammer. The version of this film I viewed on YouTube was very dark most of the view, and had a few continuity issues and the whitest ass ever seen on the lead singer of any band. But, it was fun and in my hyper active mind it had to have something to hold my attention or I’m fast forwarding like a fucking lunatic throughout the flick. The lead characters although shallow,  are for the most part fleshed out including the producer Chris, who is British and helps open-up the grave of Billy, wearing his leather pants, talk about cool. The Billy character, who may or may not be dead? Or maybe he has a twin brother who framed him for the murders? I won't tell so you have to watch this Rock N Roll Nightmare to find out the truth.

Eddie from Iron Maiden's cousin Reggie

The Lynn character as portrayed by Donna Scoggins, is not a hapless victim and is resourceful, a bit vapid at times, but besides the glow in the dark ass, is attractive and capable in the part. This is Scoggins only film appearance, and that is a shame as she had some acting and scream-queen skills. According to IMBd Nigel Benjamin, who played Chris, was the lead singer of Mott The Hoople from 1975-1976, and was also the singing voice for Billy in the film. The movie is directed by Beverly Sebastain, who does a decent, but uninspired job on the film, she has a few other directing credits including that swamp-ass film Gator Bait starring the late great Claudia Jennings.

So, dudes and dudettes pull on them leather pants, tease that wig, slap on some mascara, and wait for the part where Billy while harassing the aerobic suit wearing Lynn at the cabin with phone calls, says…. wait for it…. When the frantic Lynn says, "What do you want?” Billy replies back “Blood! I want your hot steaming pussy blood all over my face!” Laughing maniacally all along. Then after that glorious moment, just remember one thing, you Rockers out there, they don’t write em’ like that line anymore! Hold on, my dog is telling me something...

Hey MIKE, LETS GET WASTED!