Thursday, January 31, 2013

Lewd Lizard

-Review by Skunkape-
Lewd Lizard aka Chong (1985) directed by Norman Chu

When a man gets his heart broken he can always fall back on the 3 L's, they are Laboratory, Lizards, & Lingerie. Lewd Lizard is an Asian CAT III shocker that still lurks in the shadows of the underground but maybe one day some brave DVD company will put a little work into getting this out so it can find it's audience.(It's sick depraved audience) After all it has naked chicks and horny lizards.

 Our story begins with David's fiance breaking up with him because she needs to marry a sugar daddy in order to pay off her deadbeat dad's old debts. Otherwise her mom will be thrown out into the cold and lose everything. She keeps David in the dark about her situation which then forces him to hate all women. For the next few weeks he decides to steal women's underwear and builds up quite a collection. When walking down the beach he notices an abundance of lizards and that's when the "light bulb" goes off. He gets the idea that he should train the lizards to attack vaginas! He does this by injecting some sort of fluid from the stolen panties into the lizards. He also tries it on a frog, but to no avail.

Don't go away mad, just go away!

oh no! these underpants have skid marks!

Injected right in the frog weener!!!!

He then goes on killing spree with a test tube full of hot and bothered lizards that are dumped down unsuspecting prostitutes pants. When the lizards slither there way inside them, which sadly is not shown in all its glory, the ladies moan in ecstasy but in the end comes pain and death.
"Say Hello, to my little green friends!"

He actually finds a girl he connects with and takes her boating. She finds the test tube of lizards and pours them down her own bathing suit so she can have the reptile orgasm of death. But how did she know to do that?  I think this scene was that crazy Asian humor us Americans may never quite be ready for. I was definitely laughing, I just want to make sure it was for the right reasons.
The Love Boat!

In the end David confronts his true love one more time. Will they live happily ever after?... or will the lizards take their final bow just before they enter her meat curtains and maim from the inside out!!!

Slightly Recommended

Not quite as crazy or graphic as it should be, but this wild story idea deserves credit on that merit alone.

7/10 on the CULT-O-METER

Somebody call this number and tell Lex Video to get to work on a Bluray ASAP!

Tribute Trailer
Rated L for Lewd

Follow Trailers That Smell on Twitter @TrailersPU
and Theater of Guts @FilmGuts

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Devil Fetus

Devil Fetus (Mo Tai) Directed by Hung-Chuen Lau. Starring Yung-Chang Chin (1983) 
Review By Goat Scrote
This move will sit on your chest, unzip its pants, and blast its gloopy awesomeness all over your face. It’s a schlocky Asian horror flick that features some pretty bizarre behavior, acceptable splashes of gore and grue, some genuinely entertaining special effects, and a great deal of slapstick.
A colorful auction of magical treasures presents young bride Suk Jing with a thrilling opportunity: The opportunity to purchase a jade vase with a big mushroom head and a thick, hard shaft. Hey, I can hear your thoughts… please, let’s not stoop to tawdry, culturally insensitive jokes, you misogynistic, sex-obsessed racists. You assume just because this is an Asian film it’s all going to be full of weird sex, but I’ll have you know that Suk is a good girl, and she would never… what the... no way…  the “vase” really is exactly what it looks like! She takes it home to cuddle with, and it turns out to be the most amazing sex-toy ever. She falls asleep with the vase in her lap, and out pops a man-shaped slime demon that rocks her vag like never before. That vase is a thick mofo, and soon all Suk wants to do is take naps with her magic dildo.
Dildo not an actual Devil Fetus related product
 Her annoying nephews steal the vase. The moderately annoying kids wonder why she likes it so much. Well, let’s see… it’s about a foot long, thicker than my wrist, has a base so it stands on its own, it’s ribbed for her pleasure, and it has a shiny sticky crust that reeks of sex and brimstone.
Suk gets her love-toy back, but her boyfriend/husband/whatever witnesses some sloppy slime-demon lovin’. A jealous rage leads him to bust open the vase, causing him to become possessed. Awesome maggots under the skin special effect follows, and then boyfriend or whoever – he’s been on-screen all of 30 seconds -- kills himself rather than live with his hideous new visage.
Ms. Suk begins experiencing symptoms of the sexually transmitted parasitic infection known as pregnancy. The ghost of her boyfriend, or maybe husband… it’s still sort of unclear… shows up and  complains about worms. Jing is then murdered by a housecat. Moral of our tale: Cats are sneaky, have long memories, and know just how to seize the right moment. Give them what they want or else.
In the coffin at the funeral Suk’s dead belly continues to swell with her demon offspring. The cute little critter pops out Alien-style, but a quick-thinking priest banishes it and the funeral continues like nothing happened. The priest leaves behind a charm that contains their wandering ghosts.
The end.
Hah, of course not. Shit goes seriously wrong and a whole lot of people die. Fast forward to nephews again, now in their late teens, staying with Uncle Fuk – seriously, stop making fun of their culture, it’s ancient and beautiful. The nephews are Bobby and Ken at first, but later it’s Wai and Ken. I think. I had a little trouble keeping track. Anyway, enter JoJo the sexy god-daughter of someone or other. The characters don’t have a very clear idea what the relationship is and don’t much care once they establish that whatever happens it won’t be incest.
Attack Puppets!
JoJo and Bobby are idiots and they manage to screw up the magic charm holding back the devil fetus. The family dog eats a burnt prayer scroll. Awesomely cheesy disco music ensues. Wormy birthday cake vomit. Two random white people make out, and the devil dog horns his way into the action. Dog attacks Ken, gets killed with a sword. JoJo gets drenched in dog blood. Party ruined. A group takes the dog out back to bury it, but it shoots glowing mojo out of its eyes into Wai.
Somewhere along the way a car gets possessed, sneaks up on somebody, and eats them. Meanwhile, Wai is keeping the dog corpse under his bed, and he tears it open to have a little snack. Uh… yum? Next he dresses up like a woman and masturbates. He tries to kill JoJo in the pool, but just one scene later everyone has decided to ignore Wai’s sudden taste for homicide. I guess that cry for help wasn’t extreme enough. Next Wai attacks the family maid and rapes her… but when the family breaks into the room, there’s no one there. Spoooooky! When we catch up with them later, Wai is busy fucking/eating (!!) the corpse of the maid, which has replaced the dog snack he kept under his bed.
For my next trick I'm gonna play this dog bladder like a saxophone!
The priest discovers that eagle blood is the key to victory. He casts a spell to throw out the demon, and it takes notice. Epic sorcery battle follows. Dolls with swords and a variety of awesome special effects. Wizard sprays Wai with eagle’s blood, but – oh crap! – nothing happens. He has underestimated the power of the devil fetus.
The priest-wizard flees into the night and gets swallowed into the ground. The demon is now free to really party. Dad gets crushed in a collapsing room. Mom gets attacked by furniture. . Wai swills an entire bottle of gin, just for the hell of it. JoJo and whatshisname come home and she gets slimed by the rapist demon monster in the basement. Ken attempts to swordfight demon Wai, who has magic powers… but all of Grandma’s praying has finally paid off. She shows up with a jar of eagle blood… and what do you know, this time it works, good conquers evil.
                Definitely a worthwhile watch if you can track it down.
Party like a Devil Fetus!
Why Yes I do wear sophisticated Devil Fetus cologne

Monday, January 28, 2013

Tourist Trap

(1979) Directed by David Schmoeller

This review contains tons of spoilers, so see the movie first before you read it! 

"These Tourist Traps are all alike. They give you a big build up but when you get there its nothing but a roadside shack with a bunch of trinkets. "

"Tourist Trap" could have easily taken place in Florida (here its California), minus the mountains of course. There's always long gone roadside attractions that once flourished, but now lie in ruins with its remnants fading in the unbearable sunlight. The loss of a family owned business is devastating (especially in the today's economic climate) to say the least. Sometimes you wonder whatever became of places like this film's Slausen's Island Oasis and especially the harsh effect on the mind of its owners. "Tourist Trap" darkly explores what can happen when a new highway is built and leaves the past's nearby tenants in the dust. 

It's super hot and sticky outside, so a group of friends on a road trip stop by Slausen's (Chuck Conner) after their car suddenly stops working. They (including Bond Girl and Donna's hot mom in "That's 70's Show, Tanya Roberts) take a look around Slausen's, while he lures them further in the property away from the road with his seemingly kind demeanor. I mean, an overall wearing Larry Hagman in "Dallas" look-a-like can't be too threatening right? "Innocent", white dress wearing Molly (Jocelyn Jones) seems to buy his act the most. 

We quickly find out the results of exploring an unknown house lined with dozens of lifelike mannequins. Their eyes move and they occasionally wail horribly in a way that my husband Jeffrey said sounded like a Daisy Chainsaw song. Be sure to look out the killer's mask that looks like a cross between Elvis and Leatherface. I was a little confused about all the mannequin's state of mind (of there lack of) because they're defending Slausen, even though he's the one that made them who they now are. I'll try not to give away too much more. 

This movie is very creepy, but also has a comedic undertone to it. Even MST3K alums, "Rifftrax" have their own play along recording that you can check out here.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Oily Maniac

Oily Maniac Directed By Meng Hua Ho Starring Danny Lee (1976).
         It starts off with a murky sewage covered behemoth erupting from an oil slick while a credit montage of monkeys climb up trees and hurl coconuts in Malaysia. This is not the usual Shaw Brothers fare, it’s more of a rubber monster movie with some nudity and it’s a blast! The Yang Clan, a bunch of hawaiian shirt wearing thugs are trying to muscle in on a deed for an inherited Coconut Oil factory. The deed was given to Mr. Sheung a man crippled by polio who is the anti-hero of our feature tonight.
         His Uncle Ah Ba gets captured and sent to death row but has a secret for Fu Sheung (played by Danny Lee), a Malay spell that will transform him into a hulking avenger who must do right or suffer consequences worse then death. Shueng’s corrupt boss Mr. Hu is responsible for all the shitty things in his life and like all villains in this flick, they will soon end up monster mashed!         
         After getting drunk one night he finds the magic spell, which tells him to dig a hole in the middle of the floor in his living room. Once he journeys beneath a pool of sludge, he transforms into the oily monster (or maniac). His uncle's daughter is almost attacked, but he stops them in the form or a chroma keyed puddle that sluices in unsuspected. There's a random rape trial that interrupts the flow alittle then it goes back to Uncle Ah Ba's daughter, who Shueng is pining for. She doesn't love him and he’s pissed off and believes that she rejects him just because he's crippled. He has a chip on his shoulder about having to walk on crutches and takes out vengeance through his monster incarnation and half the time it’s unmerited rage.
          When he becomes the creature, a similar theme to Jaws is heard and he can even fill up at a gas station and transform.         
           Shueng really flies off the handle and jumps to conclusions and kills before thinking (he strangles a random girl in the bathtub). Later on, he overhears about a botched surgery and mistakenly breaks into a vaginal rejuvenation doctor's operating room and kills everyone! Sheung is able to transform at will and always uses his powers for evil, which is what his uncle warned him not to do. Whenever he wants to turn into the oily maniac all he has to do is jump into a bucket of toxic grease. There is not much gore in this one for a Shaw Brothers flick, but it’s highly entertaining and worth checking out! The same director who made Black Magic and Mighty Peking Man helmed this one, think of it as the inspiration for The Toxic Avenger and a distant relative to Swamp Thing (who debuted in 1971).

Sir let me top off your tank

A funny thing happened at the gynecologist

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Don't Look In The Basement

Don't Look In The Basement Directed By SF Brownrigg (1973).
          A cast of retarded crazies in a makeshift asylum include Sam the popsicle eating black man, Judge, Harriet the sad loony mom who thinks her baby doll is real, Allison the horny psycho and Dr. Masters. A fat bald lunkhead (or the Judge) accidentally kills the head doctor with an axe just in time for a psychiactric student to show up at the house looking for work and wondering where he's gone off too. A prunefaced lady with matted poodle hair is the first patient to scare the new nurse and soon all the others follow suit. All the bad acting is pretty laughable and I think supposed to be scary. The old poodle lady's tongue is mysteriously ripped out in the middle of the night (she's my favorite character!) She sticks around and makes hysterical sounds, shaking her head while the judge interprets what he thinks she says. The childlike black man Sam has huge features (the camera zooms in a lot) and all the wackiness is oddly compelling. The horny psycho tries to have sex with the telephone operator and pops out of the closet and sticks a knife at the camera lense. One maniac looks like the son of Danny Bonaduce and Kramer, he cackles alot. The prominent featured colors in Don't Look In The Basement are off yellow and poopy brown. The head psychiatrist (Dr. Masters) abused some of the inmates and is corrupt. You could edit together a shortened version of this film consisting of giant eyeball face shots, there are too many to count! There are also a lot of greasy nose shots. The music has a lot of flutes, table tapping and snare sounds. There is something sinister going on with the head psychiatrist, Scorsese would later use of the premise for Shutter Island. There's a wacky credit sequence not to be missed. This used to play at drive-ins along with Last House On The Left (Hallmark Releasing put them both out) and they used the same types of gimmicks to sell this pile of trash!  Too avoid puking keep repeating It's-Only-A-Movie

Mwaw Mmmwwmmwmwm

I'll fry your brain with my bugged out eyeballs

Friday, January 25, 2013

The Untold Story

The Untold Story (or Bat sin fan dim ji yan yuk cha siu bau, Human Meat Buns, Bunman) Directed By Herman Yau. Starring Anthony Wong. (1993).
          Based on a true story that happened in 1976 of a degenerate fry cook who hacked up people and turned them into pork buns. Anthony Wong plays Wong Chi Hang and stated that in reality the restaurant the real killer worked at suffered even after an arrest was made, because it had tainted their reputation. That kinda shit is fine at Jack In The Box, how do they manage to stay open? 
          Wong is terrifying in this role and would later parody it alot in various different incarnations. He makes a bunch of goofy faces but the impact of his ferocious aggression gives his performance alot of merit. Herman Yau and Wong met in film school and they would inspire other rip offs (Human Sausages came out a year later). 
          Severed limbs are found on a beach in Machau in present 1986, the film begins with a flashback of a gruesome murder. Wong Chi Hang is settling a score by dousing the soon to be ex-restaurant manager in gasoline and tossing a lit match right onto his crotch. The comedy relief like most Hong Kong cinema is provided by wacky and overly misogynistic police! Once they get to the crime scene they tamper with evidence and laugh about how bad the rotten bodies smell, saying "it's most likely illegals that were eaten by sharks!" The police behaving like insane baboons is an intentional anti-authority statement.
          Wong is now working at the Eight Immortals Restaurant and he may have changed his identity and hairstyle but his ways of butchery and mayhem are the same. He bickers over a lawyer refusing to grant him ownership of the restaurant and without permission from his boss (the charred corpse from the beginning flashback) he can't take over. Wong gets pissy anytime someone calls him a cheater. The police mishandling evidence and clowning around is so over the top that it's as if they crossed an Asian version of the cops on Barney Miller and left them in charge of the cases on The Shield.
           A new employee and a hostess/cashier are in on Wong's cheating at Mahjong, but they have no idea what level of sadism he is capable of! Later on that night he pummels the living shit out of the new employee with a ladle and stabs him in the eye with a receipt holder (in front of a huge 7-Up sign)! Then he separates his chest, immediately boils his organs and dresses the carcass like a pig (it all looks alarmingly realistic)! He washes his hands in his piss then uses the remains to create tasty looking dim-sum, where's the motherfucking health inspector when you need them! The police finally show up at the establishment and he feeds them dim sum filled with human carcass meat and no one suspects anything (I mean why would they?)
          The first half of the film is grotesque, but nothing is as vile at the last 15 minutes, it's just so unpleasant. Wong traps the hostess in the back room, molests her, burns her hands with scalding water and violently defiles her with chopsticks, ending her life. The contrast between vicious slaughter and wacky police comedy stylings is very unsettling and alittle frustrating. 
          Incredibly enough, the police catch him by staking out a dumpster and find the former resturant owners ID's and passports in the trash. Once he's sent to prison, the police and different convicts put him through rigid torture and sleep depravation and he drinks someone else's piss to cure his internal wounds (I think he read that in Martha Stewart: Living)! 
          Just when you think the film is winding down, Yau slaps us around by showing us the ghastly dismemberment of an entire family. Untold Story left me with a hopeless nihilistic feeling and Wong won an award for his convincing portrayal, whereas if a U.S. actor starred in something like this it would have destroyed their career. This film is for hardcore jaded horror fanatics only, you've been warned.
Chinese Fire Crotch!

Make 7...... Up Yours

Chinese Cold Case Files

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Human Sausages

Human Sausages (Unpublicizable File) Directed by Lo Wen Chow (1993)
          Lately I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel in all my film catalogs (or reaching the depths of depravity) and Skunkape has been doing me all kinds of back alley film favors, through email, this way I don't have to visit scary hotels like Max Ren in Videodrome and make sleazy deals out of suitcases. Lately there has been an onslaught of Category III films and that's one of the reasons, I've had to suffer through fuzzy subtitles and not supply links because these films are super rare.
           Human Sausages (or The Unpublicizable File) is on deck for tonight and boy does it look filthy! It all starts in a rainstorm as a poor innocent victim is brutally stabbed and killed on the spot, then later a room full of smoking women are lounging around at Big Brother's brothel. The subtitles many times are white on white and I averted my eyes so I didn't get a migraine. I had this confused with Human Bun (Pork Bun: The Untold Story) a brutal Anthony Wong vehicle, he's not in this but as far as I can tell this is another tribute to the same serial killer Wong Chi Hang.
            A confused and frightened dishwasher spies on a cleaver wielding chef named Liang who's up to some sinister business in a dank kitchen. The music sounds like what I can only describe as Miami Vice porn music. Liang hates being called a cripple and doesn't need much of an excuse to threaten people with sharp objects. He goes to town on the first dishwasher with a meatcleaver, chopping him up lightning fast and turning him into sausages (there are some quick edits that seem out of place since most of the other lewd scenes were explicitly shown)! Why isn't there anyone else in that ghastly looking kitchen to keep an eye on this maniac? There is a lot more gratuitous sex then graphic violence. Liang is a gambling loser and his boss at the restaurant takes pity on him and feels responsible for an accident that made him crippled. Prostitutes start dropping like Mandarin flies at the Big Brother Brothel and one girl slits her wrist. They spend so much time at the whore house showcasing the sex scenes that they forgot about the human sausages! I mean here I am trying to get into a flick about human meat and all I get are pork swords! The prostitution subplot eclipses the kitchen mayhem and we don't visit that dump for a long while. But don't worry the johns running the house of ill repute decide to slice and dice as well. One really unpleasant scene has a little kid ending up dead and there's hardly any motive for what people do in this film. Chefs butcher, pimps chop people up and then instead of violence you get an extra helping of bush.The kitchen is set up like a haunted butcher chamber, with scary lights and there's even some werewolf sound effects as Liang the crippled maniac is caught by his mentor's daughter.
          Toward the end, the killer is fed his own grisly sausages and recoils in horror, so apparently he enjoys turning people into meat, but is not a cannibal. There is hardly any info on this film even on IMDB and for a Category III, it doesn't really deliver. There has been a rash of Hong Kong rarities lately and sorry if there are no links (savvy film fanatics will either buy them or find them online somewhere anyway)!     

Friday, January 18, 2013

Evil Cat

Evil Cat (Xiong mao) directed by Dennis Yu. Starring Shu-Yuan Hsu (1987)
         Blue electricity emits from beneath the ground as Master Cheung awaits the evil force to return, his family has been plagued by this menacing feline for ages. The Cheung clan have spared the world for centuries against the tyranny of the evil cat, which was thrown down a well covered by a sacred stone with ancient inscriptions, but it was prophesied to return and plague the next person that releases it from its tomb. 
          A security guard going through some hazing finds a zombie covered in garbage bags in the hallway then implodes into waves of blood. This hotel seems haunted by some kind of entity as guests run frantically down long hallways. Cartoon cat apparitions float through the air and possess Long's boss Mr. Fan. Long and Master Cheung become best pals and join each other in tying prostitutes to telephone polls for fun (don't forget Jing Wong has written the script, so there are lots of random occurrences). Chueng's daughter is a TV journalist investigating the murders at the hotel and Evil Cat has an excessive amount of blue lighting, which works to its advantage possibly influenced by Bava or Argento. 
          A fish eating Catman makes ferocious tiger noises and clings to Long's bumper! A few minutes later the now possessed boss of Long chases him to his mothers house, where he viciously slaps her around for a long while, because she accidentally helps the Catman regain his power! I've always seen those idols at different Chinese restaurants, but did you know that if you hurl them at evil cat people they will explode and protect you from harm? Good to know next time you are in a jam in Chinatown.
          Master Cheung and Long team up to destroy the sinister creature with magic arrows at the office of Mr. Fan (who before transformed into the demonic cat with a fish hanging out of his mouth). Fan actually sics his security team on Cheung and they beat him with billy clubs in an elevator until he levitates them against the wall with his magic powers. A ghostly entity invades a helpless girl's crotch and it possesses her. 
          Long drinks ashy vermilion charm tea so that he can learn the way to destroy all nine lives of the beastly cat. Many of the fight scenes look very realistic (and painful) as people crash thru glass and are forcefully pulled on wires.
          A pop singer named Vincent is bombard by fans and seduced by the feline in the form of a slutty chick with a cool car (this is the most random scene yet)! At this point I wasn't sure if the movie decided to abandon the lead characters or not! The man eating cat is still relevant as Long and Cheung show up to track its next move. The cops keep throwing them in jail and siding with the cat lady. The Cat sort of acts like the alien in The Hidden and can transfer from body to body, there's even a short nod to LifeForce. There is a lot of blood and violence to keep fans interested up until the end, the randomness is alittle jarring though. They could have called in ALF and solved this epidemic in one afternoon.

Y.K. Kim eat your heart out

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Prime Cut

Prime Cut Directed By Michael Ritchie. Starring Lee Marvin (1972)
           It all starts with a delicate classical music ode to meat in a slaughterhouse down in Kansas City. Rotten gutmunchers Gene Hackman (as Mary Anne) and (Greg Walcott, Ed Wood alumni) as his brother Weenie are processing people into human sausage and selling sex slaves at their family ranch, only Lee Marvin can stop them.
           Prime Cut is so warped and steeped in macho 70's gruffness you can cut it with a razor. I can only expect high entertainment value from that time period, when the film climate was rife with hard boiled grit and hard edged action.
          Lee Marvin plays an Irish mob enforcer who receives a ground up package of meat and asks his buddies if the now processed human was a good guy and should they give the pork product a proper burial. Marvin plays Nick Devlin and like Charles Bronson, the scenes evolve around his grunting style of hardfaced acting, which works well for both of them, only they can get away with that. This film has a light sardonic sense of humor and edge to it and they make Kansas City look like a deranged wasteland crawling with crackers and their toothless children at the County Fair AKA Ed Gein Country!
          Sissy Spacek has never looked more attractive as a drugged out sex slave that Lee Marvin takes pity on and showcases her off at a restaurant in a see thru green number, this is her first role. There's a lurid scene with Hackman surrounded by naked women lounging in penned fences with hay as girls and cattle are bought and sold on the market and peddled to be eaten or disposed of, he is feasting on a plate of guts. Mary Anne (Hackman) is in the flesh and meat product trade and girl flesh is sold just like any other meat commodity. Why this film isn't in the Deep Red Catalog or on more horror nerds must see lists is beyond me, it has all the cryptic elements of a highbrow film noir with some guts to spare.
           Janit Baldwin, who like Spacek started out in this but stopped acting in 1983, she plays Violet, one of the drugged out slaves and has a bugged out face like a glow worm, she has appeared in Phantom Of Paradise, Born Innocent and Ruby (in that film she was dubbed). Humongus, which I found horrendous is her only known speaking role!
          Hackman and Walcott are great as demented hillbillies presiding over a turkey shoot, they throw around oddball insults like "I'll turn you into Irish Stew, You Sow Belly" I almost expect them to call each other "BitchHogs". I think Tobe Hooper took a small amount of influence from this film, but it's possible that he was in the process of filming Chainsaw so I doubt it. Angel Tompkins (Little Cigars) plays Clarabell, Lee Marvins ex and she looks incredible too! Sissy Spacek and Marvin get chased by a giant thresher in a lush field of wheat that ends up crushing a car. It winds down with a machinegun shoot out brilliantly depicted in a sunflower field during a thunderstorm. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!
Guts & Beer


Monday, January 14, 2013

Satan Returns

Satan Returns Directed by Wai-Lun Lam Starring Chingmy Yau. (1996)
          The Gorgoroth stage props are the most graphic sight in this Jing Wong penned Seven Ripoff! An image of a naked girl hung upside down on a cross with a crown of thorns is the least offensive image I'd expect from the genius behind Ebola Syndrome! It's a bad sign when the film you are plagiarizing (Seven) is a lot scarier then the Hong Kong version. The Biblical character of Judas (the Asian version) is on a mission from Satan, who in this sounds exactly like Jabba The Hutt! He's out hunting for satan's daughter or someone born on June 6th 1969! He rips out a few hearts (in a delicate Red Shoe Diaries way, Barf!)
         The Eastern perspective on Catholicism is pretty embarrassing, or maybe they are just ignorant and that's a huge problem. One of the reason's The Exorcist works and is universally scary is a reason this one fails, even if you aren't religious unknown terrifying powers will take possession of you whether you believe or not. The ambiguity of the demonic origin gives The Exorcist its strength, that's part of the metaphor in Satan Returns because everyone is ignorant to the Western religion and wonder why an upside down cross is offensive. In The Exorcist, it's deep rooted in Catholic fears and for the writers to emulate what ever hocus pocus bullshit based in Christian religion makes the writer seem way out of his element. That's the beauty of seeing an unknown supernatural force and magic spectacle in alot of Hong Kong films, the audience is unaware of where it stems from (its most likely fantasy). The film tries to use the same mythology and screws up the references (June 6th 1969! sure that was in the hippy dippy Omen)! It commits a minor offense with all the goofy padding in the police station (a lot of Hong Kong flicks are guilty of that) but its worst crime of all is that for a Category III movie its watered down and wimpy as hell! Like The Naked Killer it had potential but is mostly a sleek flavorless commercial!    

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Hello, Dracula!


Hello, Dracula! (Vampire Kid) Directed By Chao Chung-Hsing (1985)

        It starts in a haunted forest with a lot of information on the folklore of the Jiangshi or Hopping Chinese Vampire! There are all kinds of reanimated Asian dead in Hello Dracula, even adorable baby hopping vampires! When they appear they smile a lot and some wacky music shows up, they are just as troublesome as a baby Gremlin and proceed to free their forefathers from that dangling yellow talisman (that keeps the undead at bay). This is a super rare flick that Skunkape graciously found for me and I don't mind that the subtitles are a little off and out of frame, as long as I get to see this extremely bizarre treat! 
        Coffins fly around and burst into red smoke as the forest ranger, who dresses like the famous unibrowed Taoist priest (Lam Ching Ying) uses his magic spells to keep the unholy creatures hidden within the trees and away from kids on field trips. This film warns you not to underestimate the power of adrenaline pulsing through the elderly or their grandkids because they can fight! 
        Razor teeth pop out as the old dodge them accordingly and throw some flames at the vampires. If you hold your breath a vampire cannot see you, all this was taken from Mr. Vampire but this director takes it to extreme levels and does a decent job. I sincerely hope that they've stuck to the mythos from these great films and not adapted Chinese Vampires into a bullshit Twilight version for the tween market!   
        King Grampa  brings all the kids together and conducts a ritual over a corpse bitten by a vampire consisting of the urine of a child, chicken blood, skin of a watermelon and he accidentally drinks the pee! 
        There are some crazy fight scenes involving kids and old people, its pretty incredible (but hopefully no kids were hurt)!
        Think of this as Donkey Kong Jr. to Mr. Vampire being Donkey Kong! Some American Catholics show up and are not welcome in a village haunted by Chinese Vampires! The Hammer film remedies of garlic and holy water don't work (or do they)? King Grampa knows how to handle this situation and is already equipped with his best child fighters!
        The Catholics intruding where they are not wanted reminds me of a grainy vampire invaded version of Annie or Home Alone. There's even a strange musical number with lots of quacking and video game music (Everybody Do The Quack!), complete with hopping choreographed vampire dancing! Hello, Dracula is out of its fucking gourd! 
        The Catholics hide a nun in a coffin and she accidentally kisses the vampire, this causes a chubby reanimated corpse to mimic all her movements! He takes a bath, combs his hair and jumps around. The slapstick comedy starts to grate on your nerves a little and there's lots of Three Stooges or Benny Hill type wackiness.
       The vampire kid plays a morbid baseball game with skulls and bones. Then they try to shoot him and pour holy water on his human skull baseball in order to defeat them. 
        King Grampa assembles all his kid minions and they do crazy flips and conduct rituals with psychic swords and fire! A kid with a bowl haircut and glasses ends up getting bitten and tries to attack the team, he does a kamikaze act with a bomb strapped to his chest!             Hello Dracula has no problems with kid violence and lots of them are either punched in the face, shot or bitten by vampires! For a silly comedy geared toward kids, they sure have no problem using them as little punching bags, For shame Hello, Dracula! This film is very rare, hopefully somebody will share it on Youtube, it will most likely blow your mind!

Theater of Guts
Goofy Ass Tribute Trailer

Saturday, January 12, 2013


ZEDER (or Revenge Of The Dead) Directed By Pupi Avanti starring Gabriele Lavia (1983)
          This director wins for the silliest, giggle inducing first name (Poopi), but take him seriously or there will be dire consequences. Then again don't because this film is shitty!
          To stop an evil presense from killing old ladies and breaking out through the floor boards, some very Italian gentlemen who sip cappuccino's send in an animalistic and frightened little girl who claws at the hollowed ground, teeth gnashing. She acts like a corpse sniffing dog and they discover the corpse of Paolo Zeder.
         Riz Ortolani does his Fabio Frizzi "Beyond" impression with the score.
         A writer named Stefano gets a pawnshop electric typewriter as a present and finds that it has ribbon used by Zeder describing the secret K-Zone. The writer figures out that a K-Zone is a state of limbo and a gateway for the dead to return, possibly like the lost souls room in Beetlejuice. Zeder gave his body up in an experiment and wanted to be buried beneath the house. There are some ghostly stomach growling noises heard in the pool (I told you not to eat before a swim!) 
He starts his own investigation and questions former owners of the typewriter, but they seem to want to suppress the real answer.
          There's a heavy Catholic presence throughout the film and its mainly there in the background, probably because its set in Rome.
          The writer character meets Don Luigi Costa, a chubby tracksuit wearing phantom. Later on he stabs an innocent girl in a crypt. Much later on Stefano gets trapped inside the same crypt, but false alarm nothing happens, thanks for nothing movie! Stefano finds a tiny Stonehenge like area of K-Zones and I imagine the writers of Halloween 3 were inspired to make their own dull mystery film after seeing this one! There's a control room where cameras are attached to coffins and monitored on TV sets. 
         The pace of the film is very draining and not that much happens, its oddly fascinating though. There's no fake American pretenses in this very Italian production, that doesn't really help the film, It's not quite a Giallo but still just as dull. Toward the end it just turns into a long series of uninterested interviews and you could probably fall asleep and not miss anything! This film makes Manchester Morgue look like a lighting paced non stop thrillride! They should have called it "Let Dull Corpses Lie" I hate Italian horror films that start off good and have no payoff! The dead wake up at the end, but its laughable (literally, they guffaw at Stefano!) and not scary at all!  
Italian Tor Johnson

This movie is so boring!

Friday, January 11, 2013

Pantyhose Hero

PANTYHOSE HERO Directed by Sammo Hung. Starring Tom Poon (1990)
           If you had any respect for Sammo Hung, you will immediately lose it by watching this one! It’s the most hateful insensitive anti-gay films I can think of recently.
Sammo Hung had a genius idea to tribute William Friedkin's Cruising with Panty Hose Hero. The title doesn’t make any sense and at no point does an Asian Captain Underpants emerge to save anyone!
           It starts off with a gay couple who get involved with the triads and trigger a stabbing through the neck with a Batman knife (this will make another appearance later). It's followed by a lightning fast high-octane action free for all chainsaw battle. The fight scenes are very entertaining and seem to pad the storyline, not really interfere with it. Sammo and his partner play two bungling cops, they are chosen to solve the crime from the beginning, the chief says that a maniac is killing people in gay dance clubs (sort of like in Cruising) and they have 72 hours to learn the gay ways and delve into the gay underworld. All the homophobic propaganda is rampantly present through out this hate fest!
 To instruct the two moronic cops, they send in a ruthless trainer to help them out, she says there are three categories of gay people and she makes one of them walk with an apple clenched up his butt.
          There's more ridiculously offensive scenarios as if they are trying to out do Cruising (which people were outraged by when it came out)! The film made people think that gay people automatically are serial killers or twisted in someway, but it comes off tolerant compared to Pantyhose!
            In a hotel they try out their new gay act by threatening to bite people to give them AIDS and running into butter sex fiends in elevators.
            Sammo and his partner Gaykey are seriously homophobic and its pretty unbelievable that anyone would believe they were anything but narcs at the disco. Fatty and Gaykey, help out the gay bar by tricking the police into leaving instead of busting everyone which sort of helps.
            The gay characters all act like an Asian version of Men on Film from In Living Color. Pantyhose Hero is criminally offensive and homophobic and its very hard to find but not worth seeking out at all. This is the ugly Archie Bunker side of Sammo Hung that I was afraid may have existed and now I have confirmation!
            There's some gay bashing as a comedy device, I'm watching it as just an obligation to check out all the offensive movies in the Deep Red catalog. The anti-gay rhetoric is the most shocking thing about it!
            It seems after awhile that they aren't looking for a serial killer, but then he magically appears with champagne and a cake.
            Meanwhile Fatty Jeff is trying to put the moves on a lady until he's interrupted by his partner, who just escaped a narrow rape. Panty Hose is more like Tootsie then Cruising and its full of wacky misunderstanding hijinks.
           The real killer later on shows up in full Batman geek regalia and gets in a crazy kitchen fight with Sammo. They break all the glass in the house and throw each other through windows. The triads show up toward the end and chain up the ‘heroes’ in a giant warehouse. They use produce as a weapon (durian and lychees) along with uzis. The gangster use the construction site creatively, during one scene where they shoot someone and he falls down a tube onto the ground and gets flattened by a steamroller. There’s even wacky bloopers during the credits! Not worth watching unless you are the type of hillbilly that thinks you are affecting gay people by eating and supporting Chic-Fil-A or think The WestBoro Baptist Church has a valid opinion.  


AIDS Mosquitoes mean high comedy!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...