Monday, April 24, 2023

Moonchild (El nino de la luna)

 Moonchild (El nino del la luna) Dir by Agustí Villaronga 1989.

How much eerie whispering and hocus pocus can you cram into a single introduction as if you’re in a nonsensical competition with The Visitor (1979)? Whew! It’s OK though because it’s just a dream or is it? Well anyway we got the ethereally beautiful Lisa Gerrard of Dead Can Dance and the dir of In A Glass Cage, which is a movie I only saw twice (once to take notes during my review). That aforementioned film is so repugnant that I don’t ever want to see it again but I do have respect for the film maker who recently passed away. 

David has the power of the moon and to spook his adopted mother Maribel Martin star of the Blood Spattered Bride (1972). This was Martin’s last acting credit and she was in another amazing film we reviewed called Roots of Evil (1979). David ends up at an X-men type school for freaks, you know kids with mind powers and such. Lisa climbs under a chair during a meeting and sees the young telepathic. The plot had something to do with impregnating the moon. Maybe this is where Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter got the idea from? 

Poor little David is now looking for the answers from the moon’s light. The subs cut in and out at one point, and I sadly don’t speak Spanish so I kind of assumed what people were saying at points. Dave discovers Georgina’s (Gerrard) picture and is seen by the commanders of the academy as a silly ridiculous woman. Hey! No talking shit about LG or Dead Can Dance! The first time I heard that band was in high school, I was just getting into hardcore music in Florida and was at a Miami record store called Yesterday and Today. I overheard a punk girl ask for her specially ordered record (you couldn’t find their catalog in the US yet) and I heard their music described as terrifying and hypnotic. There was even a skate video that used Cantara as a ridiculously outlandish choice verses “normal hardcore punk”. 

music to get mangled on a skate board to?

I can’t tell what time period this film is supposed to take place but it looks like the 20s. Daveed (or David our main protagonist) chooses Lisa as the mother of the moon. The plot is nonexistent so if you need a movie with one, go watch something dumb like a Marvel movie. This one is arthouse baby! 

The pint sized moon boy keeps tempting Gerrard’s character Georgina with booze because she’s an alcoholic. Oh, and get this-- LG goes full blonde bush out nude in this role as she’s strapped to a table. Her and David Sust from In A Glass Cage (1986) have to fuck to satisfy the moon. He looks unrecognizable in big coke bottle-specs. Why is any of this happening, uhhh arthouse? 

you don't get it since it's too high brow for you Crank!

When Georgina looks up at the moon, I wondered if the Mac Tonight guy would look down from the stratosphere and wink. This scene takes a hard right as the poor frightened LG is surrounded by the clinically metal instruments of surgeons. There’s a break out of jail scene with the three main characters. Maribel Martin’s character finds her adopted son and puts him in a rubber room. They all want to protect the pregnancy. Next hitmen are hired that use poison darts. Lisa and David escape on a boat to Africa. SPOILER. Coke bottle glasses doesn’t make it. 

Mac tonight sucks and so does the Alt Right!

One of the first Maiden albums I bought was Seventh Son..., so I was singing "Moonchild" in my head for the title of this film. There are several films with that same title, one from 1972, 1989,1994 and 2003. 

Once they get to Africa, I can’t tell what they’re up to because the subs stopped working and I should learn Spanish, thanks for reminding me Skunkape TV! There’s 40 mins left somehow! Why, arthouse! 

Slugworth shows up finally up as a Col. Kurtz-esque figure. He’s got that Pat Todd (legendary singer from The Lazy Cowgirls) skullet hairstyle. The end has them in a Beyond (1981) type sandstorm with the wolves running and David Warbeck’s blind eyes blazing. 

The Horror.... the horror (Slugworth Kurtz) 

David the main child in this film and his mother’s relationship makes me uncomfortable. What does it all mean? I’ve read some reviews on Imdb and people are scratching their heads too, you may as well. I hate to say it but I thought In A Glass Cage (1986) was more coherent if not unpleasant. This one is very pleasant and the cinematography is masterful AF. His adopted Mom seems to have a heart after all as she listens to the babblings of her son. He gives an impassioned speech. There are a lot of unnecessary fadeouts. I give this one 2 trips through the Criterion Closet out of 5.

Saturday, April 15, 2023

Magic Crystal


Magic Crystal (1986) Directed by Jing Wong.
Ever since I got my Skunkape TV, reviewing movies has been so much more Instamatic. Tonight, we’re venturing to Hong Kong (Jing Wong’s depraved and demented version) with our film in question Magic Crystal. It starts off with a workout montage then a brutal fight where one dude falls through a glass table. The main star Andy Lau and his stout sidekick played by director/writer Wong Jing has a bowl haircut and goggles that look like they came from the magic store in Pee wee’s Big Adventure (1985). The nerd bowl cut guy (Wong) almost gets pulverized for picking on a little kid by the boy’s gigantic Dad. 

they call me Chinese Pee Wee

This movie so far is uneven, it can’t tell which direction it wants to go in but it loves montages because there have been at least three I’ve failed to mention. I expect more shock out of Mr. Wong considering his resume. This is downright polite! But as you’ll see later he went the Spielberg route with mixed results. I could see Skunkape and I doing an old fashioned Point/ Counter Point on this film. 

yeah, well you're dubbed voice sounds like Bullwinkle!

Cynthia “Butch-cut” Rothrock shows up, she looks very cool but has a very strange dubbed voice. The chubby guy and his son played by Bin Bin dress alike and their hijinks wear thin very fast. 

There’s a brightly lit brawl in the park that’s almost quaint, I do appreciate the fight choreography which is top notch. I’m not sure however if this movie is based on an unreleased Intellivision game. Finally, we see the fake Chuck Norris (or is it Hans Gruber) from the poster art. I had hoped Chuck and Cynthia would hook up and make super karate babies but I was lied to! One character gets injected by faux Chuck. 

Our mutant offspring will make even worse movies!

28 mins in we get the promised “crystal”, it appears in a suitcase and Pin pin finds it . So now this movie wants to get all Spiel-berg-ian on us, what the fuck man! Andy meets Winnie played by Sharla Cheung Man. I wonder if I’m supposed to watch this movie backwards. I have no idea where the story begins or ends, very weird. Lots of cool choreographed fighting however! Skunkape told me that George Lucas even stole from this film and used elements of it for Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)! 

more Spielberg pandering

Andy and his buddy dive off a balcony face first and slam into the ground without a scratch! This movie has no logic and wants ME to be all Stacy Keach as Sgt. Stedenko and “just go with it maan and not fight it”! Logic don’t exist anymore! The “magic crystal” by the way is a green glowing gelatinous blob that talks to Pin Pin. It’s stupid and reminded me of the glowing blob from Luigi Cozzi’s Contamination (1980). 

I'm really an Italian blob invented by Luigi Cozzi

My fav scene so far is when the blob makes this peeper guy see Winnie rip her own face off V-series (1984-85) style. Pin Pin is the only likeable character I thought. I like the when he kicks that chubby bully from the beginning and the crystal grants him the power to do a “Liu Kang super kick”. 

The fake Chuck is starting to remind me of fake Hans Gruber and Andy even does a Die Hard (1988) rope trick down the side of a tall building. This film came out before so maybe it influenced the mega blockbuster hit. My least fav character played by Nat Chan Pak-Cheung gets hands for feet and vice versa from the magic crystal. He is awful and tries to rob a bank by waving his hands like a mental patient, they even put him in a straightjacket. This movie is starting to improve (or maybe it’s this strain of weed). One of the craziest fights occurs with a housewife played by Yu Miu-Lin who can wield a sword while balancing on your face. Her and “The Foreigner” battle it out in a living room setting. Cindy (Rothrock) fights “Hans Groobs” who now has giant Rob Halford arm spikes. The male stunt double in a wig is very noticeable in some moments. Then the kid Pin Pin gets abducted along with the jade blob. 

she kicks housework's sorry ass everytime

Andy literally jumps out of a coma and into a jeep after being shot in the throat. Ok, movie you are on drugs! He has to punch the clock and get back to chewing up scenes with more fighting. The kid and the blob are able to use mind powers to fly to Greece for free. The bad part is for some strange reason (which won’t be revealed here) the rock’s powers don’t affect faux Hans and some Goonies traps and pitfalls ensue like a video game or a better Indiana Jones sequel. Groobs brings out some ninja turtle weapons and slings them around like he’s dividing a pizza 40 ways. The Jade blob hops on a space ship and flies away like Poochie at the end of that Simpsons episode. No really, I can’t say I wasted my time but I was very confused by what this movie wanted to be. 2 1/2 jade green blobs out of 5.

Peel this

Ping Ping might be the next short round.

Wednesday, April 5, 2023

Vicious! (aka To Make A Killing)

Vicious! (To Make A Killing) Directed by Karl Zwicky 1988. 

Here’s a fucked up Australian movie that melts the competition like a blowtorch to the crotch! 
Damon, played by Tamblyn Lord is an adolescent teen pushing himself to conform to the world of killers (in the college level and in his own suburb). Three drooling lunatics break into his house while he’s trying to jerk off to a Penthouse mag hidden under his bed. These Ozzie blokes maniacal behavior is foreshadowing to what’s in store later. The punks are Terry played by screenwriter Charles Pearce who went onto to fame with Baz Lurhman. Pearce co-wrote all of Lurhman’s films including the new Elvis biopic. Felix (played by John Godden) was in another ozploitation classic Turkey Shoot (1982) and finally Benny (Kelly Dingwall). All these “be a macho man” sort of bullshit obstacles repeatedly show up in Damon’s life whether they be to gut a fish or rob a house. 

don't interrupt me while I'm baitin'

I discovered this movie recently by way of the More Gore Score” book by Chas Balun. 

The main thug and his buddy step on Damon’s neck and point a spear gun at his throat. He is constantly getting debased and humiliated by these three. They all wear matching flannels too for some reason, all degenerates do! 

Cobain is my co-pilot

Chas mentions how “the gang, led by a feral-eyed wastrel could teach David A. Hess a thing or two about horror and humiliation”. I wouldn’t go that far but the main punk character is very sadistic. The boys pick up some girls who really don’t seem to wanna be there to begin with. They head out to a creek to drink Fosters and Vodka. One girl named Claire (Ajay Rochester) guffaws at their dick sizes, she basically wants to humiliate them as well, and it gets uncomfortable. 

PU! did someone open the wrong lunchbox or what?

Half of this movie is a pissing contest, which leads to Sondra almost falling off a speeding car while riding the hood. Tiffiny Dowe was very good as Sondra but she stopped acting unfortunately. 

This movie is sort of an Ozzie take on LHOTL. It’s so vile how Claire who is Sondra’s ride, makes her wait while she bones the guys that almost splattered her “friend’s” brains on the pavement of the parking lot. Sondra, the only seemingly decent girl in this movie, she begins a short-lived relationship with Damon. They both share a distain for their suburban privilege. 

Eat your hearts out Corey Haim or Feldman

The asshole punks from the beginning return and abduct the naive Damon. First, they force a stick poke tattoo on his arm with a $ symbol during a bumpy car ride. He goes to Sondra’s parent’s house for help but they don’t believe him. It gets gnarly and Felix almost strangles Damon to death. Sandra’s family gets involved and shit fits the preverbal fan. Everyone is screaming and threatening as the whole Price family is held hostage. These punks are so dumb! After mum serves them drinks, her small bit of generosity sets the main punk off and they blast away at both parents. One Einstein (as in the “Yahoo Serious” kind) plugs the Dad (played by John Clayton) with a spear after his buddies are done with the massacre. 

The last 40 mins of this movie had my blood boiling as they ramp up the humiliation. This one fits in the rape/ revenge sub genre but the carnal sin is never actually done. Somehow that makes it much worse.

We're all about to die and my Dad's feet really smell!

 Remind me never to visit the Outback (or Outback Steakhouse)! I’ve never heard anyone mention this film but it’s very effective and more people (for those who can handle the brutality) should watch it. It’s a multileveled cautionary tale. 

When I think back, the most insane thing about it was that Damon has no choice. The punks just show up, involve him and never give him a break, he’s forced to gnaw his way out like a dingo on angel dust! He’s haunted by the murders for months and his parents don’t understand his mental condition or how to help! 
plays the Quint vs Hooper scar game a little too well.

The ending is very unexpected and terrifying, worst of all Damon uses the experience for his college resume! I mean did he just use this trauma as a leg up into the savvy cut throat business world, seems that way to me. You can watch the entire film on

Did you piss in my coffee, well played.

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