Monday, April 24, 2017

A Virgin Among The Living Dead

A Virgin Among The Living Dead directed by Jess Franco, Starring Jess Franco (1973).

In Florida, there was a convenient store that played a huge part in my journey from adolescence to manhood. It all happened at the corner news stand, where I used to purchase all my porn mags. This was in the dark ages or possibly the last thread of sanity before every chucklehead had a social media soapbox to blab about their opinions on the Internet and everyone craved their dopamine fix on a second by second basis plus no internet porn yet. Ahhh--how I long for a massive unplugging, me being a die hard Luddite and all (who typed this out on his labtop,SHHHHH). Corner News stand had a little video store section of big box videos like the H.G. Lewis ones, random Eurotrash and that’s where I first saw the cover art for this Jess Franco turd, this may have been the beginning of my repulsion or accidental enjoyment of this director’s catalog. Franco and Naschy fans have the same kind of touchy sense of humor and take this shit waay too seriously. I mean it's goofy monsters and lesbian vampires, lighten up people! The Deep Red catalog had a couple of titles featured and usually they were begrudgingly recommended in a snickering way, which I totally understand.  

There was an article in Fango most likely penned by Tim Lucas that peaked my interest, mainly because there were some scantily clad babes and that magazine kept it pretty squeaky clean. This was back in the days where you had to really be an underground hardcore trader to see his work and pay a shit load for a VSOM copy or get super lucky to have an off the beaten path video store that served your cult movie needs. I was in none of these categories and come to think of it still too young to buy adult reading material, but years later I would return.

the grill marks mean extra batin'.

The first time I laid eyes on this Jess Franco pile of shit with an epic big box cover art showing a gruesome assortment of horn dog corpses that looked Bernie Wrightson-esque (RIP Bernie) and Michael Jackson’s "Thriller" as well. They were all exploding with lust to defile one chick! Now even Weng’s Chop or Tim Lucas (aka Thee Franco-fanatics) would be hard pressed to tell you that what’s inside lives up to this cover art! Actually they most likely will but I’m not convinced. According to VHS Collector Paul J. Zamarelli, the Wizard box cover art was done by Spataro. I couldn't find that much on the subject of this artist but I did notice Charles Band is selling autographed posters of the Wizard artwork, what gives him the right to claim ownership over something he didn't paint? What else is new with that guy though?

Franco's work gives me that feature of opening a can of SpaghettiOs and thinking for nostalgia's sake that I might enjoy this and sometimes it happens, but I immediately regret this decision. Nothing in my mind has lived up to his witch burning sacrilegious shit like Love Letters or The Bloody Judge. I use this site as a PSA against "the unwatchables" (to coin the Greg Goodsell term), so you don’t have to bother suffering. If you're a Franco-holic though you are a glutton for punishment.

you know I added the horse meat balls to Franco-American Spaghetti in a can, right?

Instead of Lina Romay and her fuzzy vagina, we get to see Christina von Blanc's pubic hair in see through panties--excited yet? She takes a little road trip to a creepy castle where Uncle Howard Vernon (starring as himself apparently) is banging out tunes on a piano. He's rocking a 70's coked out disco shirt and mussed hair look. Britt Nichols is pretty hot though as the perpetually smoking blond, she has that greased up look of the Fassbinder James Mansfield-esque actress Barbara Valentin, who was also in Horrors of Spider Island.

I'm so ganked up on krell!

After lots of zoom ins of people smoking and one girl keeling over and dying, von Blanc takes a dip in a lily pad covered pond that looks like the one featured in Zombie Lake (I'm already feeling the effects of PTSD from that shit flick). A bunch of old pervs drool over her and seem to be geriatric zombies or cannibals. If she was surrounded by old dudes on the cover leering with their pants down I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place, I blame that god damn video cover art that drew me in like a stupid moth to a bug zapper. Some of the cemetery villagers are played by Paul Muller, who later showed up in Dog Lay Afternoon and Antonio de Cabo who has the hugest unibrow I've ever seen. This actor later showed up in Mandingo Manhunter and stopped acting in 1983.

I love our new urban forest cannabis dispensary. 

I get the feeling that they gave Franco the skeleton key to a cool castle, he suckered some babes to roll around in melted crayon blood splatter and he cobbled this into some incoherent sleaze. For some reason it works for me when Jean Rollin does it. I wasn't expecting much from the lucky chicken egg director (don't know what I'm talking about read my review for Faceless

The score is pretty uneventful by the usually superb Bruno Nicolai, it sounds like the Tobe Hooper Chainsaw pots and pans over the quiet noodling parts of Moonchild by King Crimson.
There's some hideous looking dudes to look forward to, snaggly teeth, caterpillar brows--a regular fugg-fest! Interested? Go on get out of here ya weirdo!


Sunday, April 16, 2017

James "Dr. Terror" Harris R.I.P.

This is an awkward depressing time right now, it seems as if all the nicest, most talented and genius artists are dying off and the world is being over taken by greed, ignorance and people who drink Gatorade instead of water cuz it's got electrolytes. I keep thinking that pretty soon, it’ll be an apocalyptic hell on earth run by white supremacists and the fascist Orange monarchy, once they drop a nuclear warhead. But I’m trying not to be consumed by negative thoughts.

this was my fav. picture of Dr. Terror.

Even though I barely knew Dr. Terror, his death is very tragic and shocking to me and as evident from the outpour of condolences on FB, he meant a lot to others. 

I’ve admired his site for a few years now and he was very talented and overly enthusiastic about gore films. As “horror bloggers” we cast out our impressions of things and convey how these films affect us. Sometimes it seems like nobody gives a fuck or even bothers to read anything, but we roll that boulder up the hill anyway hoping to influence others. That’s my biggest fear, that something will happen to me and everything I’ve said online will just become buried under useless trite information and it will be lost forever. But it’s not lost, even though James Harris is gone, his words, thoughts and the things he loved and cared about remain for others to be inspired by.

I loved those 8-bit horror videos he uploaded, there’s an insane clip of him eating raw meat while watching Faces of Death for the Guts and Grog blog. Our basic connection was that we contributed to each other’s sites on Italian Horror Week and USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK. I only met him 5 years ago and he was gone too soon. He planned on reviewing Psychomania for us, but sadly it won’t happen and it’s a shame.

All the things he loved and cared about are over at for others to relive and cheer us up. Let’s celebrate his legacy by sharing with others his videos, reviews and things that he cared about on his site. You can contribute whatever you can spare at this link to help his wife Nicole and family (

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Nomad Riders

Nomad Riders Directed By Frank Roach, starring a bunch of nobodies (1984).

Frank Roach who made Frozen Terror, one of the shittiest video nasty flicks of all time directed this solid biker flick. You may remember his last film, which was on the chopping block for a heated debate between Crank and Webberly Rattenkraft (actually it was more of a solid agreement that we felt it sucked balls). This is his second and last film then he completely disappeared into obscurity, maybe he did some of the technical advising on Sons of Anarchy or was Peggy Bundy's hair extension guy/fluffer?

only Roach-clip can satisfy my lady boner

If you're thinking Pete Fonda or Bruce Dern style biker movie, any second I should hear some Davie Allan and The Arrows or fuzz guitar, cross that off your expect the unexpected list. This unconventional biker flick has a seriously 80s slasher film type score that's incredible, if the movie itself weren't so cheese-tacular, I'd say it outshines what's on screen, but damn it Roach if you didn't nail it this time!

Office attired corporate jerks are responsible for burning Steve Thrust (whatta name!), the main character's wife and child alive and setting the fuse of vengeance. They seem to have gone to the Leonard Smalls academy of picking on fragile creatures only because they target grandmas and unnecessary threats. This is like a no budget rejected Cannon flick or something Amir Shirvan wishes he could achieve!

The Smalls academy promotes extreme prejudice against hamsters and nana's kneecaps

Thrust looks sort of like Richard Belzer in the 70s. Bronco, a Barry White looking dude fends off the same bikers from the beginning with an electric saw.


Steve always wears all tan and beige or cream colored suits, even though it's supposedly 1984. They play this bad punk music that sounds as if Ray Jay Johnson and Kraftwerk teamed up. Steve's Buddy Charlie staked out the biker's hideout which has lots of skanks and even a gypsy!
There's one smiley enthusiastic stripper who looks like she stepped out of the JC Penny lingerie catalog. It's available on Fandor and it's fucking insanely fun, get a trial and go out of your way to see it!

These jeans really show case my FUPA

John Fogerty wipes out another CCR casualty

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