Monday, April 23, 2018

Ain't No Way Back

No Way Back Directed By Michael Sweney, Starring Campbell Scott. (1990).

Everything about this opening from the commodore computer graphics to the corporate high-rise is pre-Neil Breen before that chucklehead even existed. It's a no budget Deliverance copy with Campbell Scott, the guy from such Gen-X classics as Singles and Powder, he reminds me of Michael Stipe. This was churned out by Troma, I found it even worse than Dumpster Baby if that's an endorsement! Lloyd Kaufman and company have so much garbage it's always weird to me how Chas resorted to peddling them on the street market. This one is described in the catalog as containing "Moonshiner mutants" but there are zero to be seen, maybe this is the wrong movie.

does this hat make me look like Merle Haggard?

The narrator reminisces about his gay relationship with his chum. Could this be a Proto Brokeback Mountain?

We've tackled A few hixsploits before like Poor Pretty Eddie, Prime Cut, Hunters Blood but so for this one seems like a lamest of that genre. Maybe I had a feeling about it, that's the reason it's taking me so long to review it. There's a lot of terrible stock footage with Campbell acting or reacting to it. I wish they would remake this with Aziz Ansari and Michael Stipe in an off Broadway play. The scary hillbillies wear newsboy caps and suspenders not a very menacing look.

Hicksters, PFFT am I right?

Campbell Scott even mentions how he doesn't want to be chased by the cast of a certain copyrighted John Boorman film, even though the banjo kid ended up in Blastfighter.

Did you say you were a film buff or a buttfreak?

The Azis guy wears a red baseball cap, now every time I see it I think of the stupid Nazi president. 
Scott hobbles around because he got stuck by a giant twig. All of a sudden it morphs into an episode of Little House on the Prairie with Uncle Leo from Seinfeld.

you mean I gotta leave Miami because of that antisemite? 

I watched Little House as a kid, because my Dad was obsessed with it, I just can't believe that old timey bullshit was ever on TV.

It's even weirder that Troma acquired this release because who has the attention span for a rejected old timey prospector episode?

ACKKK MAKE IT STOP! I'll do a sequel to Powder!

Campbell gets shot and nursed back to health buy buy some hillbilly chick. And then he teaches her about capitalism--way to go America. Remember how Powder was controversial because the director was convicted child molester, I saw that in the Coral springs movie theater when it came out. As shitty as that other movie was it makes this one look even worse. This film is halfway thru and they still haven't introduced any inbred rapist or southern justice kind of crucial plot elements that would make it any better. Well one hillbilly scares him enough to try and figure out how to use a gun. Mildly interesting but really not enough to save this film. The only interesting part so far is one Uncle Leo forces Campbell to kill chickens for dinner.


Monday, April 16, 2018

Voices From Beyond

Voices From Beyond Directed By Lucio Fulci, Starring Karina Huff (1991).

Maybe you heard that Fulci made a kids movie about a lovable wolf dog named White Fang with Franco Nero and wanted to check it out. Well, if you like extreme gore and sexual violence try this made for TV romp instead! It begins with an old dude named Giorgio (Duilio Del Prete) in the middle of boning his lady friend while an annoying moppet rudely interrupts. He grabs a knife and goes to silence the kid. It gets pretty ugly as he stabs the shit outta him. Amazon Prime bought a bunch of Code Red flicks that are currently streaming. So don’t sleep on it, because they may all be gone soon. CR is one of those elusive companies that I've bitched about in the past, they promise all these exploitative gems bursting with extras (like the Human Experiments one that had Vincent Gallo interviewing Lynda Haynes that may not even exist) and they all fetch for high ass prices on Ebay and are either in the hands of a select few or impossible to find.

Shut up about Vincent Gallo, I'm gonna retch!

Lucio Fulci wrote the script as well, which is rare for him. The lighting is very soft on a tele novella style and Stelvio Cipriani really phones in a terrible score which is a tragedy because he’s one of the best soundtrack guys.

We get lots of the normal eye zooms and weird looking people which is patented Fulci trait. During a nasty abdominal incision performed by the director himself, they don’t even bother to shave his belly, it’s pretty vile!

OK so this is where the mangina will go.

We do in deed hear the "voices from beyond" as advertised. There’s a lot of Italian dudes in weird oversized dykey glasses. Rosy (Karina Huff) a frumpy but mildly attractive girl comes home to find all these bitches hated her dad (the guy in the beginning who stabs the kid). We see the currently dead Giorgio’s past encounters and we get to meet the performers this way. Even after death he doesn’t stop quawking. Blab Blab blab, at one point he continues to talk even after worms are munching on the cartilage of his face!


Rosey looks like an extra from Full House and she keeps having nightmares of him chasing her. Man what happened to Fulci? I think it has a lot to do with him separating from his best screen writer Dardano Sachetti. At the time, Sachetti was writing for Fabrizio De Angelis and working on a few TV shows like The Return of Ribot (whatever that was). You’d have to put up with a lot of dopeyness to like this one it’s pretty retarded.

Am I stylin' or what?

There’s an old dude they refer to as a mummy that actor was in the Van Damme Rodman flick Double Team and Cannibal Holocaust, impressed? We get some Jess Franco looking zombies in a dream sequence, man how low has Fulci sunk to rely on shitty zombies? This is almost depressing. Rosy shows off her weird boobs, so stick around for that or maybe just take a nap and set an alarm. Oh and there’s a bunch of talking eyeballs that squirt blood! Keep in mind these are nightmares and possibly a record for dream sequences. The film was dedicated to Clive Barker. If you want to simultaneously be depressed and amused than dial this flick up on instant. More Code Red goodies are available so check them out before they disappear again or don't see if I care!

I taught Rodman everything about North Korea
Do my boobs look that weird?

Monday, March 19, 2018

The Lift

The Lift Directed By Dick Maas starring bunch of chuckleheads (1983).

By all logic and reason a killer elevator movie should be as criminally inept as a bed that skeletonizes it’s victims aka Death Bed: the Bed That Eats People, but for some reason I was totally entranced in this movie. Maybe it’s the euro trash stink and irresistible dubbed weirdness, not sure but I am way into it. I remember an early issue the Fangoria I saw a review for this 1983 flick from the ubiquitous Dr. Cyclops, which could've been any writer under that alias. I've been meaning to check it out ever since. 

Damien in the Omen part 2 used his demonic brain powers to control an elevator and make it slice up Meshach Taylor, the flamboyant fellow from Manniquin one and part two respectively, into bite-size pieces. The Lift has an elevator with a mind of its own and murders anyone who innocently steps on.
Felix (Huub Stapel) the elevator handyman seems like a bad parent. Dick Maas (which sounds like a Gay Pride Xmas celebration), the director who made this film has one of those phobias that Lucy from Charlie Brown would diagnose and really he must enjoy seeing people fall to their  death from the result of an elevator crash.

Everyone in this movie is seriously unlikable it’s like a virtual forrest of all ugly branches.
I’m expecting people from the White House to show up any minute and excuse the elevator for the death toll.

During the hilarious decapitation scene, the head mouths something as it plummets to the bottom. I know my friend Rob Fletcher should include it on his next severed head celebration post on FB.
The factory that Felix works at reminds me of that Rainer Werner Fassbinder film Fox and His Friends. It’s all very German or possibly Dutch at least they don’t pretend like it’s US.

In 1983 a cinema snob had waay more options on films to watch, so I’m glad I waited this long to see this film. I always think about how I could go into one theater and see Return of the Jedi the same year this came out and another theater and see something better that’s why it pays to wait it out sometimes. 
Felix at one point rolls a cigarette like an old Timey cowboy or maybe it's a joint, who knows? He gets pretty close with this one attractive reporter though and it upsets his wife.
The weirdest part of the movie has nothing to do with an elevator. When the science guy goes into detail all about computer chips, it reminded me of once again of Idiocracy where in the future you have to be set up with the barcode or remain scannable.

The pacing gets really slow and not very rewarding but stick it out anyway. I was yelling just die already like Elaine did during the forced viewing of the English patient, maybe you will too there’s something to look forward to!


In Harry Canyon voice: when she looked at me like that sheesh!

Please don't hurt me Mr. Elevator.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Shameless Promotion Alert: 5 Mins After Midnight

Hello GUTS fans and new readers thanks for visiting, please check out this new podcast my best pal Bobby Hazzard and I just started all about our favorite movie Trick or Treat and subject: Heavy Metal music. We go really in depth, 5 Mins at a time on this film and sometimes it could take up to an hour and change. I was originally inspired by my old friend Brett Stillo who does a 5 mins of Big Trouble in Little China podcast. Since Bobby and I are big metal nerds, I figured we should talk about one of our favorite movies. Please subscribe and support 5 MINS AFTER MIDNIGHT. Thanks to Jeano Coffinberry for the artwork below. Thanks to and Fangoria for all the resources.

 Here's the FB Fanclub link.

 Download the Episodes here.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Friday the 13th part 1

Friday The 13th. Directed By Sean S. Cunningham, Starring Ari Lehman (1980).

This review is a special request from Brandon Hendrix a Deep Red devotee and brilliant writer (who should be writing for us). When I was growing up in South Florida, this movie was constantly on TV on the Miami station WDZL along with Shock Waves and Nightmare on Elm Street. I had seen the Tom Savini book beforehand, so I knew how all the kills were orchestrated, using dummies squibs and real weapons cut down to create the illusion that they were being inserted into head cavities. In the make-up book Grand Illusions or Bizarro which was it's alternate title at the library, there were full color spreads of gore for The Burning, Martin and Dawn of the Dead. The Savini book was a major spoiler for me because other than Dawn, I had yet to view all of the films. This didn't matter to me and yet another reason why I don't give a shit about giving away what happens in a film, it's all about the experience. I obsessively watched Nightmare on Elm Street, though and that became a problem with my Mom, she was worried about my psyche. I was pretty fixated on Freddy (as someone still today who owns a replica of the sweater, glove and a plush doll it's safe to say I still have a major problem but whatever, I take medication so don't fucking judge me)!

No judgement here, time for your meds.

As much as I like the other Friday sequels, this one stands on its own as a fun slasher movie. I remember when I was pretty young, I went over to this guy Dave's house in New York and during the scene where pre-teen Jason jumps out of the water and scares the shit out of the last girl. His Dad kind of scrambled to turn the dial (no remote control at the time) but it was too late! 
I wasn’t really traumatized however, this was also the first time I had discovered the cartoon Heavy Metal, which at the time was only available to watch on cable and no one had the rights yet.Sometimes you could catch it at a midnight screening but only bootlegs existed.

I'm backstrokin' my ass outta this hillbilly swamp.

As for that scene in Friday the 13th, I couldn’t figure out what was going on, but I thought it was pretty funny that a little skeleton kid covered in mud and grass pops up out of the water. I always crack up in the beginning when Irwin Keyes show up at the country diner, sadly he doesn’t even have any lines. I knew this lunkhead from The Exterminator 1 & 2 even though he died in the first movie, also from The Warriors and other cameos, he’s kind of made a career as a fun character actor on the Michael Berryman level. I had no idea until he passed away that he was a reoccurring character on The Jeffersons.

R.I.P. HUGO (aka Irwin Keyes)

Everybody in the town keeps trying to warn the smiley runty camp counselor girl played by Robbi Morgan (whose the third victim, after the two counselors who die before the credits). I like the Tom Bosley looking guy who drives her around saying "Camp Crystal Lake is jinxed!" That actor Rex Everhart voiced a TV special about Gnomes and Trolls that scared the bejeesus out of me as a youngster. At the time--because my parents were Christian hippies, any kind of satanic looking creatures repelled and also attracted me. Not much has changed as an adult obviously with me.

That Crazy "Motherfucker" Ralph, I never noticed before and I've seen this flick about 20 times that the characters mention his wife is worried about him, which is so strange to think that he's married! I guess even Hitler had a dog and girlfriend. Everyone in this movie has a catch phrase seemingly, "You're Doomed, Doomed" is one that's been copied in many other films. Most of the characters die in the sequel, which Tom Savini always bitches about with good reason. I don't care I love part 2 as well.

By today’s standards the nubile teen girls are pretty fugly looking. The cutest one in my estimation is the last surviving girl played by Adrienne King, she has that bowl haircut Vicki Lawrence has on the cover of "The Lights Went Out in Georgia". When I re-watch this movie all I can think about is Mrs. Voorhees behind the camera driving people around and then murdering them. Her scene is still one of my favorite parts.

Yay it's picture day at the yarn barn!

The difference between the uncut version and this is really slight, I mean just a couple of extra seconds of blood splatter or an open wound, that wouldn't have convinced me to plunk down the $25 to get a dub from Chas. I saw this on a double feature at the Castro theater with my pal goat. They played a really shitty washed out print of The Burning which is one of my all-time favorite slashers. It’s sort of follows the pattern of this one, except it’s more fun in an awkward nihilistic way. Even though Cropsey gets his head split open towards the end, I can't imagine they'd still bring him back for a sequel, probably in an alternate universe there's a run of Burning sequels with Fisher Stevens and Mark Ratner reprising their roles ala Corey Feldman and Kane Hodder. The most confusing thing to me was how they played the raft massacre scene after the flick ended because it was excised from the existing print.

The girl that gets an ax planted in her face doesn’t wear a bra and you can see every bump on her nipples. Betsy Palmer with that itchy thick sweater (she's wearing in the humid summer too) is the best character in the whole film to me at least. Her geriatric teeth clench as she hisses "Kill Her Mommy" is pretty chilling. There are so many elements used from Bay of Blood that I discussed in an early review like the itchy sweater wearing maniac hiding behind trees and deaths that were recreated against the 80's teens stolen from the Bava 60's.

The eerie piano of Harry Manfredini during the placid water as the credits float by always strikes me as a mysteriously ambiguous ending, what does it mean and will that damn ghost boy pop up out of the water again? He never does again in this first movie at least, but I always expect him to for the second time!

I'm not going to break down each sequel and only will cover the first one. There have been some wacky moments in practically every Friday sequel. For instance, Mrs. Voorhees' decapitation is usually a crowd pleaser and one reason I created a scratchy video moment from repeatedly re-winding that climax! If you look real close you can see the stunt guy's hairy knuckles reaching up to feel for the missing noggin. Later on in part 3, Mrs. Voorhees re-attaches her own head and pops up out of the water, leech infested sweater slopping around, like part one, as entertaining as it pans out, it makes no sense whatsoever. Part one triggered an avalanche of copycats and lame sequels but I have a special place in my heart for this genre and dig all the rip offs and foreign copies. Go buy a headshot from the original Jason kid Ari Lehman who's seemingly still out there.
See you next time when I feel like writing again, which might be just in time for USA UP ALL NIGHT week in MAY. Stay Tuned.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

The Monster of Piedras Blancas

The Monster of Piedras Blancas, Starring Les Tremayne, Don Sullivan, and Jeanne Carmen, Directed by Irvin Berwick (1959).

Reviewed by Richard Glenn Schmidt

“Remember! We’re burying the Rinaldi brothers in the morning. First class funeral. Better not miss it!”

In a small seaside town, Sturges the old lighthouse keeper (played by John Harmon) is keeping a secret and it’s not his plans to get a neck tattoo. He’s been buying meat scraps for years and feeding them to something on the rocks below the lighthouse. If you’ve ever wondered what widowed lighthouse keepers get up to, now you know! His hot daughter Lucille (Jeanne Carmen) is fresh from finishing school and thinks her dad is a harmless eccentric even though he talks to his dog constantly. She works at the local diner and is dating the local science dude named Local Fred (Don Sullivan).

 Vague Accent Man knows what’s up.

Life is pretty spectacular (and horrifically dull) for all parties involved until the friggin’ monster that Sturges has been feeding starts ripping off local Italian men’s heads and feasting on their blood. Before this monster business started, the most action that Constable George (Forrest Lewis) has had to deal with is The Shoe Soiler down at the library. He, Local Fred, and Dr. Sam (Les Tremayne) are the masterminds who will get to the bottom of this monster rigmarole. They have a scale sample from one of the corpses and it’s definitely a Klyptovertablah (that’s what I wrote in my notes). One by one, the old monster claims victims including a child that should have known better than to go outside.

Hey baby, have you ever seen From Here to Eternity?


The local yokels form a posse to catch this thing and they are spectacularly ineffective. Someone actually says, “If he can think then we’re in real trouble.” Finally, the monster heads to the lighthouse to kidnap Lucille because he thinks he’s the Creature from the Black Lagoon. But he’s too much a doofus to remember how bad he wants to make sweet love to her (just like in The Shape of Water) when Sturges enrages him by pathetically shooting his impenetrable hide with a shotgun. They are able to trick the monster into falling off the lighthouse to his death or not. I’m gonna say death because this never got a sequel.

 Thank you, my constant reminder of your dead mother.

Director Irvin Berwick spent most of his career as a dialog coach on westerns. The only other of his directorial works I’ve seen is the hilarious garbage melodrama, Malibu High. Producer Aubrey “Girl’s Name” Schenck was responsible for producing such films as Voodoo Island, The Black Sleep, Robinson Crusoe on Mars, Frankenstein 1970, Pharaoh's Curse, and Daughters of Satan. I kinda love this dude. What a career (of schlock)!

 Bold as brass (not the Split Enz song).

Cinematographer Philip H. Lathrop is the reason why this film looks so damn good. His 30 year career behind the camera has some real classy stuff in it like The Illustrated Man, Touch of Evil, and Breakfast at Tiffany’s just to name a few. Two years after this monster flick, screenwriter H. Haile Chace also wrote and directed a little film called V.D. AKA Damaged Goods about a high school jock with painful urination. I guess that was his passion project.

I theorize that I won’t remember being in this film.

Blond bombshell, Jeanne Carmen, is quaintly bad in this film and I wouldn’t want her any other way. Pretty boy Don Sullivan didn’t do much but he was in Teenage Zombies and The Giant Gila Monster! The wildly prolific Les Tremayne was in every damn thing but I know him best from The Angry Red Planet. Also prolific but less memorable is old chew-toy face, Forrest Lewis, who was in The Thing That Couldn't Die but I don’t remember him at all. Of course, no one in this movie was in more crap than John Harmon! This motherfucker has nearly 300 film and TV credits under his belt with his final film being Microwave Massacre. Go out with a bang much?

Where’s my penis, Guillermo del Toro!?

I’m glad that Olive Films put out a super nice Blu-ray of this film that has somehow eluded me for so long. All of the pseudoscience and fun goofs fill my heart with an artery clogging warmth that will be with me until I croak. Sorry, those garbage cigars that Constable George were chomping on throughout the film are reminding me of my own mortality.

The other people who saw this film.

What a joy that The Monster of Piedras Blancas is. It has some serious charm and moxie going for it despite all of the half-assery going on. The camp is high and the monster, in spite of his doofness, isn’t fucking around. He kills adults and children alike and walks around in broad daylight with his severed head to-go cup. The Angry Samoans used a production still from this movie for their 1982 album, Back from Samoa. Speaking of punk rock, when the monster buys the farm at the end of the movie, his death scream is just a dude screaming. How is that related to punk? It’s not, it’s just lazy as balls.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018


Skunkape and I have been a fan of Islandrocks aka Mr. Thomas Nylom for a long time going back to when Youtube was thee place to find undiscovered talent. It was still a trash heap of ungodly, moronic celebs, oozing with narcissism, however this one man stood out from the shit and self-diluted trash. 

I'm drowning in an overflowing toilet of self appreciation

Nylom was the first guy I can think of who took Italian Horror themes, Nintendo core, Actionsploitation and covered them brilliantly before it all became another run of the mill internet trend and he did it with total dedication and gusto. Going to Youtube to find music is annoying and the fans demanded we have these awesome tracks on a portable system to blast in our cars! It’s about time, right? So what do we have in store for this full length first effort by Islandrocks? Well, it begins with a genius re-working of Claudio Simonetti’s Demons theme, which I liked even more than the cEvin Key remix. That tracks takes Hall of the mountain king and discos the fuck outta it!

pass the dust, I'm so Studio 54.

The guitar tones and piano have never sounded better on these Fulci themes, if you are a fan of Italian horror you might start drooling over how glorious they sound. Slurp, ahem—I know I was!

He really hit the nail on the head!

Carpenter/ Howarth eat your hearts out because Island "rocks" your movie themes as well in the most face melting style possible! There's even some originals on there, one inspired by The Dead Next Door. Nylom has a way of making horror themes sound like you’ve never heard them before done in all kinds of original and crazy styles. What are you waiting for? Go out of your way to get a copy! 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...