Friday, July 3, 2015

The Sky Has Fallen

The Sky Has Fallen Directed By Doug Roos, Starring Carey Maclaren (2009/2015).

I was blindly approached by the filmmaker/editor/make-up artist one man wrecking crew Mr. Doug Roos on FB and holy shit am I glad! It's hardly ever that I'm immediately impressed by a new independent gore film (this one opens with torrents of artery juice sputtering all over the forest trees). During the credits a rampant infectious disease ala-Nightmare City or ebola (the plague, not the film) has turned the population into walking meatloaves. The music is seriously effective and the splatter effects are inspired (Roos over amps the fact that these are "practical" not CGI, which I'm over joyed at)! Lance, the main protagonist played by Carey Maclaren is a samurai sword wielding stoic who also uses guns to battle the plaid wearing infected former humans. He's obsessed with stopping the leader who caused the plague. In the woods, where the film is primarily centered he finds a girl named Rachel played by Laurel Kemper.

 photo Screen shot 2015-06-28 at 12.04.06 AM.png
Batter Up!

The snapping and breaking of bones and bloody muscles is ear splitting as the black skeleton hand tears through human flesh. The film handles the carnage in a grimly serious way, none of it is all that amusing (the overly serious music sets that tone for sure). Rachel and Lance find a diary of a priest whose daughter and the foreboding menace has convinced him that there's no reason to keep his faith. Technically the movie is brilliant, but the only flaw I can see is that the two main actors are very stiff and a little too reserved in such a dire situation. It's hard to notice though because the style and gore make up over shadow the acting.

 photo 11664063_10101806418914154_1531159831_o.jpg
If you try to connect the dots on my face with a Sharpie, I will shoot you!

One standout barbecued creature (who wears different severed heads as trophies on his belt) attempts to over power Lance, as he hacks and slices causing the red stuff to shower the green forest. There's also these cool faceless ghouls in hoods who silently show up, these are the ones that possibly started the world wide infection. Their ominous presence is left to your imagination. The dripping gory infected humans sort of bumble around and get split open by the sword or shot at by the main characters. Critics have accused Roos of imitating The Walking Dull or some other rehashed flavorless zombie trend currently bobbing toward the surface but in an interview with Horror Galore, he mentions how he was influenced by the Japanese cinema of Kurosawa and Ryuhei Kitamura.

 photo 11655880_10101806418719544_2121343125_o.jpg
Help! I can't breathe under this make-up

Even though this is a film about a plague and we've seen this theme recycled before, the movie manages to use the "zombies" (or infected people aspect) in a very original and creative way, making it not a typical film at all. I enjoyed this independent horror flick, even with its short comings (the monotone acting slightly irritated me), but I expect more quality projects from this film maker and feel that it's worth checking out. The DVD, which has cool special features showcasing the creature makeup is available on     

Monday, June 29, 2015

Eternal Evil Of Asia

Eternal Evil of Asia Directed By Cash Chin Man-Kei, Starring Ben Ng Ngai-Cheung (1995). 

It's been a thousand years since we've delved into Asian territory (excluding Anime of course). I'm talking less cartoony and more Golden Harvest or Media Asia type shit--usually I'll dust off one of these for Weng's Chop, but this time no, you the ToG reader deserve to know about the eternal evil!

I'm not sure yet what that entails, but Skunkape and I watched this together when it was streaming on Netflix long ago, this was waay before every other streaming app offered better content and you had to put up with whatever they spewed out. Netflix did everyone a service when they bought this one but took it away pretty quick! Anyway, the only thing I vaguely remember about EEOA is that a man has a penis sized face with a giant urethra on top and it was a hilarious drunken moment (we were pretty fucking drunk at the time).

The prologue is just insanity, an enchanted ghost kid's soul is stolen by a wizard and used to kill, he loves watching movies and the narrator warns never to take him to the toilet. Already we're dealing with a frenzied and creative HK horror film that can just go anywhere from this point on. I'm down to follow its path if you are!

An abusive father played by Bobby Au-Yeung Jan-Wa hates Ramin, threatens his kid and wife and receives a scary phone call by other ghosts who wail that they want to eat all the Cup-O-Noodles in the house. I'm starting to think this is overt product placement, but who cares it's wildly entertaining and the fish eyed camera spins and circles down the hall as spirits shove noodles down the bastard dad's gullet. Someone behind the scenes is controlling his voodoo doll as he sees extreme close-ups of ghouls that drive him to plunge off a balcony onto some fluorescent lights that impale him. Again, wildly creative shit, am I right?

 photo Screen shot 2015-06-19 at 12.47.00 AM.png
LEAVE ME ALONE, go haunt a college campus!

According to this film, everywhere in Asian society people are afraid of being enchanted by a wizard, they must be terrified of Gandalf or Dumbledore. A gaggle of females act like they're at a bachelorette party and one of them explains how to smooth out the wrinkles on your man's balls, illustrating it with a paper bag.

One wife from the party didn't learn much and refuses her husbands meager advances, it gets worse for him because a sorcerer stole his hair from a barber shop and is controlling a voodoo doll of the poor sap. She's played by Ellen Chan Nga-Lun from Fatal Love and The Wizard's Curse. I'm already over joyed at the amount of entertainment packed into this flick and we haven't even hit 30 mins yet!

 photo Screen shot 2015-06-18 at 3.10.05 PM.png
Then roll it in batter and fry it!

This film has a strange concept of a cursed voodoo doll effecting male enhancement, giving boners or taking them away, (if this were real, tons of elderly horn dogs would be ordering them out of the back of comics all over America).

Suddenly a hair salon witch volunteers to help destroy the ghost using fire and a magical worm. There's truckloads of weird shit to describe but I'm gonna just leave it up to you to see it for yourself, this film is pretty jam packed with mind blowing wackiness.

One character insults the wizard by calling him a dickhead and becomes his own snarky remark, it's one of the most surreal and funny minutes in HK cinema. The transformed dickhead character is played by Elvis Tsui Kam-Kong, who has quite a resume and we've reviewed almost every other film he's appeared in like Chinese Torture Chamber Story, Boxers Omen and The Seventh Curse.

 photo Screen shot 2015-06-18 at 2.15.29 AM.png
Please don't pee on me or choke yourself too hard!

Laimi (played by Ben Ng Ngai-Cheung of Red to Kill fame) is the main offending wizard, there's a scene where he gets "babalitied" Mortal Kombat style by two opposing male and female warlocks who 69 each other in mid flight as they battle. Then as you might expect it gets even crazier as Laimi knocks the females head off with a hex and it goes spinning toward his buddies crotch and her teeth clamp down as her noggin falls to the ground. His four buddies (even the one with the dick face) are in luck because there are benefits to being a wizards pal, for instance he will never trick or hurt his own friends, apparently that's the code of the whiz (which later on becomes total bullshit)!

 photo Screen shot 2015-06-18 at 2.55.37 PM.png

In Hong Kong, wizards are very clean cut and domestic but still total pervs, it's kind of funny because they are very unassuming. The horniest part of the movie is when they create a love hex and show off the main wizard's sister's full bush. It goes horribly wrong and makes all the dudes have an orgy with her and I won't go into all the details, but Yada yada yada she gets stabbed and dies. I forgot to mention the fluorescent light victim from the beginning keeps showing up periodically and asking if anyone will have tea with him, he's just a barrel of laughs!

The hexes get even worse (if you can believe that) and cause this one dude to get so hungry he eats himself to death like a Chinese Pizza the Hutt!

 photo chinesepizza.jpg
Artist's representation of Chinese Pizza The Hutt

In the second half of the film, throw out all the things you've heard about the honor of a wizard towards his friends because the evil portion starts to take over. The first to go is the dickhead guy, he actual gets turned into an Asian cenobite and foolishly leaves the Buddha Net. The net is designed to help and protect you from ghosts and demons, so if you're ever in trouble stay inside and don't leave until it's safe!

 photo Screen shot 2015-06-18 at 4.06.33 PM.png
Take your own advice buddy!

This film is never tedious, but its running time is slightly extreme, that being said I highly recommend watching it in two parts, take an intermission, have a snack and watch the rest later because the assault on your brain and eyesockets is too much to take in one viewing. It ends on a bat-shit crazy note as the warlock receives a long distance invisible blowjob, how's that for a climax!


 photo Screen shot 2015-06-18 at 4.20.57 PM.png
Chinese Henry Rollins?

 photo Screen shot 2015-06-18 at 4.19.51 PM.png
My invisible tube steak has a first name, it's O.S.C.A.R.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Deadly Dogs, vol. 1

by Goat Scrote

     I'm very fond of dogs, both the real and cinematic kind. I'm only a little bit ashamed to declare that I enjoy movies like "Balto" and "The Adventures of Milo and Otis". Here on ToG I've already admitted to being a fan of much weirder things than cutesy movies about dogs. I have also loved scary movies all my life, and I've had a special love of killer animal flicks ever since movies like "Jaws" and "Prophecy" scared the piss out of my impressionable younger self.
     To sum it all up, I have a strange idea of fun which led me to compile a list of movies featuring one or more killer canines as a principal element. Then I set out to watch as many as possible in order to figure out which ones are nummy treats and which ones are turds. I'll be posting brief reviews for many of them, in no particular order, a few at a time.

Man's Best Friend (1993)

     The Dog(s): Max, a super-powered genetically modified organism based mostly on Tibetan Mastiff DNA.
     Mainly a ripoff of: Frankenstein

     Summary: Mad scientist Lance Henriksen creates Max in a lab. Snooping reporter Ally Sheedy liberates the sweet-seeming GMO. She is unaware that Max understands English and has an array of unusual abilities. He has also already killed at least one person. Max is psychopathically possessive of his mistress and he doesn't want to share her with other living things. He also has a vendetta against mailmen, paperboys, and cats, as you'd expect. 
     The animal action is good and plentiful. Max is portrayed as an actual character with personal motivations which change and develop. This sets him apart from most of the critters in the animal-attack genre, where they are commonly a one-dimensional threat. In the end Max really just wants to be loved.

     Best Scene: Max chases a cat up a tall tree, climbs up after it, and gulps down the astounded feline whole! A close runner up is the scene where the jealous dog pisses caustic acid in the face of Ally Sheedy's boyfriend. Only a truly mad scientist would weaponize urine.
     Dishonorable Mention: The deceptive poster art shows a cyborg Rottweiler instead of Max. This movie has no other perceptible flaws. None worth mentioning, anyhow.
     Recommendation: This movie is fun to watch, even though it's very light on blood and guts and not all that scary. It's a personal B-movie favorite because of its juvenile sense of humor and because Max the super-powered killer dog could eat a dozen Cujos for breakfast.

Dogs (1976, aka Slaughter)

     The Dog(s): Common domestic dogs of all kinds get organized and turn against humanity.

     Mainly a ripoff of: The Birds

     Summary:  The dogs are forming a collective, hive-like intelligence thanks to some sort of scent-based pheromonal communication. Interesting premise, boring movie. A biologist tries to save the day and fails miserably, played by a beardy David “Man From U.N.C.L.E.” McCallum. McCallum's hair is the real star of the show. How did he get those tresses so shiny and silky soft? The dogs are even more adorably fuzzy than he is. They must use the same conditioner.
     These canines are clearly more interested in milk bones and frisbees than devouring human flesh. It’s so precious when they swarm like that! During most of the "kill" scenes, nothing can hide the fact that they are just play-wrestling and having a good old time. The animals basically win in the end.

     Best Scene: A massive assault on the poorly-chosen human refuge, which has plate glass walls, begins a little after an hour and twenty minutes in. It ends with a huge pile of bloodied corpses and one dazed survivor.
     Dishonorable Mention: Around the hour mark, Linda Gray (Sue Ellen Ewing on the TV show "Dallas") is killed in a shower attack scene which pays extremely clumsy homage to an entirely different Hitchcock movie. Also worth a dishonorable mention, the movie freezes on a final image of a hissing domestic cat as the credits roll to imply that they will be the next species to turn.
     Recommendation: Start at around 60 minutes and watch through until the end credits. You'll see pretty much all the bloody and exciting parts of the movie without having to endure the dull buildup.

Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell (1978)

     The Dog(s): A cuddly German Shepherd with a pedigree tracing back to Satan Himself.
     Mainly a ripoff of: The Omen, Rin Tin Tin

     Summary: Animal-attack and Satanic movies were both in vogue during the '70s, and “The Omen” successfully combined both, so it was inevitable that someone else would try to exploit both niches at once. This limp, bloodless TV-movie fails to scratch either itch. Evil cultists purchase a bitch in heat and summon the devil so that, it is implied, Old Scratch can make sweet love to her. This is Phase One in their plan for global Satanic dominion? No wonder they keep failing. The devil-worshippers give away the resulting litter and the story follows one of the chosen families, as Rosemary's Puppy dominates minds, corrupts souls, and telekinetically murders anyone standing in the way.

     Best Scene: The climactic battle between pure-hearted master Richard Crenna and the devil dog. The dog's completely ridiculous "true form" is on display, and whatever budget the movie had is blown on a series of campy camera effects. Somehow, it's still not clear how destroying a handful of suburban families was supposed to lead to the thousand-year reign of the Prince of Darkness.
     Dishonorable Mention: The scene in which the dog tries (and fails) to telepathically force his master to plunge a hand into the whirling blades of a lawnmower. It's a gruesome thought reduced to laughable absurdity. The camera cuts back and forth between the dog and master. The former is relaxed and adorably non-threatening, the latter is doing his level best to convince the audience he’s in a raging psychic battle of wills for possession of his fingers.
     Recommendation: Watch the Satanic ritual at the beginning and the battle at the end if you're in the mood for some cheese. Skip everything in between because life is precious and you won’t get that time back.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Green Inferno

 photo GI1.jpg

The Green Inferno (Cannibal Holocaust 2, Paradiso Infernale, Yellow Dream) Directed By Antonio Climati, Starring Marco Merlo (1988).

Are you searching for a gentle cannibal film, one where none of the savages fill their bellies with steaming hot entrails and there's no animal deaths which is a good sign in my book. Or perhaps you love Florida and air boat rides, then sit back and enjoy this Antonio Climati romp. Don't get too relaxed though (especially in the sphincter area), because this film features something I've never seen in any jungle adventure exploitation movie--Anal fish! 

 photo whale-advertising-illustration-mcdonalds-filet-o-fish.jpg
Be on the look out for Butt lovin whales too

Right off the get go, we're on the wrong track for a distant relative to an Umberto Lenzi or Deodato nasty because they all must start off in NYC, it's scientifically proven! Then straight after we escape from the urban civilization to the savage world. Inferno starts off in Florida and comes off like an all nerdy episode of Thunder in Paradise (without Hulk Hogan--he called in sick). 

Some zippo flicking dude named Korenz is missing in the Amazon as shirtless men who both kinda look like John Stockwell and their frizzy haired buddy ride around town and hijack a miniplane while smooth jazz plays! I'm talking so classy, it sounds like The Bold & The Beautiful is gonna start up any minute now.

 photo GI5.jpg
I brought the Funk!

 An alternate title for this was Cannibal Holocaust 2, I bet some gore hounds out there were pretty upset once they popped this in the VCR and saw that absolutely no animals were harmed (Whew, says I)! Climati is no stranger to the sick world of Mondo and worked as a cinematographer on Goodbye Uncle Tom, Mondo Cane, Africa Addio and This Violent World. Why he decided to do the right thing and spare all the magnificent creatures is anyone's guess, maybe he finally grew a conscience.

 photo GI6.jpg
Are these Newman's Own shrunken heads really organic?

They spend so much time on the runway showing you the mechanics of a small plane that it's almost like an instructional video (make sure you jot down some notes)! If I were a 4 year old and liked planes and trucks, I'd be enthralled. Ok, this film is half rewarding, half dull. Don't look now because Gemma a tropical journalist finds a hut where an inbred goon with a head shrinking operation shows her in detail how to get those large skulls extra tiny! This film is so informative, I've already learned so much. Fred the frizzy haired glasses wearing geek reminds me of the science character from Beer Fest played by Steve Lemme.

 photo GI2.jpg
Duh look at me I'm a pilot!

The three main characters go shopping and hang out in the town square, they are looking for Garcia aka The Piranha. They find him gambling on race frogs, I'm betting Eli Roth is really gonna make his version of this film super exciting, if it ever comes out! The funny thing is, it could actually use a remake, but it's only related by title obviously. 

Ahoy Matey, welcome to Eli Roth's Long John Silvers

Fred (Marco Merli, who also co-wrote the script), a horn playing anthropologist is a man of many talents and gives a monkey mouth to mouth! They find a boat and set sail down the muddy river and this is where we see the famous "ass fish scene"!

 photo GI4.jpg
Deleted scene from Stand By Me

There is more male nudity then there really should be as more bowl hair cutted natives drop trou and venture into balmy terrain. It's fascinating to see most of the animals usually slaughtered for no reason at all walking around unharmed (turtles, ant-eaters, cute monkeys), it's almost as if Climati tried to rectify the mistakes other Italian cannibal directors have made with animal cruelty. This film is also unique in that the whites aren't trying to exploit the natives and they actually all get along. They do encounter a waring tribe who starts up shit because they want to eat the monkeys. That tribe is so dumb that they let the white people go because they are so impressed by their tape recorder.

 photo GI8.jpg
Don't be jealous of Koala's boobs Gemma

A pretty indio named Koala who has light bulb boobs joins up with the crew and they all get along famously (so there's no need for a rape or Cannibal Holocaust style impalement). Indiana Jones would be terrified by this film, what with the concept of a "Python Blowjob" as punishment! That aforementioned scene is so odd, a grizzled man with a gun threatens the dudes and they all pull down their pants like they are into it, I'm just so confused by The Green Inferno! If it's a cannibal film, it fails miserably, it's too gentle and yet it tries at the same time to be demented and weird while covering it up with more tedium and diversions. It's way out of its element and a strange mix of playing it safe (no one is really hurt at all) in a genre that's all about primitive man, Nativism, dominance and cruelty; it's an odd duck for sure!



 photo GI9.jpg
HAHA, I bet you didn't count on my schlong being longer than the python!

 photo gi3.jpg
Monkeys are so safe in this flick, they take a nap

Monday, June 22, 2015

The Zodiac Killer

 photo the-zodiac-killer-combo-one-sheet-1971.jpg

The Zodiac Killer (1971 - Tom Hanson) 

Review By Rob Vertigo

Exploiters over the years have had no qualms with parading out cinematic atrocities based on real-life killing sprees. Time topical flicks like Satan’s Sadists and The Helter Skelter Murders hit theater marquees before the Tate and La Bianca hearts had even stopped bleeding. But in the case of this little charmer, I’m not even sure if the Zodiac was done completing his initial rounds. Shot in '69/'70 it begins with a hokey SF Chronicle blurb touting this film as a public service; like it’ was gonna’ keep you safe from the murders after you watch it. That might be the case had they stuck a bit closer to the killers’ M.O. - as I’m pretty sure the Zodiac never bashed a woman’s head repeatedly under a car hood or dressed in Marx Bros joke attire. If these are facts, they've evidently been left out of the books and bigger Hollywood productions. 

 photo vlcsnap-2011-01-11-13h04m48s97.png
Groucho needs slaves for the afterlife

This scungy gem of celluloid slop gives you two suspects to cast yer blame upon: a balding, disgruntled and alcoholic trucker going through a nasty divorce and a hostile yet sensitive postal worker (uh-oh) who talks to rabbits in his spare time. There's also a third screwloose that’s introduced; a weird old perv in high-waist pants who comes along to talk smack about women being worthless once out of their teens. “Keep ‘em young, plump and dumb…” he adjects. YIKES. 

I'm not gonna’ tell you who gets saddled with blame, but one who doesn’t takes a mighty fall at the halfway mark. Directed fairly dry and in a very matter-of-fact (and fiction) fashion, Zodiac Killer plays out with made for TV charm, only with a few delirious scenes of violence sprinkled within. There are historically accurate moments - such as the lovers lane murders and the beach side hogtie killings - that are interspersed with random reckless retardedness - like the above car hood incident or the strange scene of the Zodiac praying at his Gods’ altar - but it’s hard to fault the filmmakers sensationalism when the case wasn’t even cold. You gotta' keep this shit entertaining, right? The “keeper moment" of the flick comes in the form of a strangely dark and hokey double stabbing incident on the beach. The sickly muted colors of the faded print paired with the victims’ grotesque American flag bikini and Tempera paint bloodletting- all lensed via fish-eye cinematography, mind you - makes for quite a grisly and effective segment. If the retractable knife wasn’t so obvious, it would border on a snuff believability. 

 photo Screen shot 2015-06-10 at 1.24.14 AM.png
OK Harry Reems, invite me to one of your Nicholson/ Beatty drugged out soirees or die

If yer into celluloid barrel-scrapers along the lines of Drive-in Massacre or Three on a Meathook, there should be something in this for you to grasp. If you can’t tolerate local college theater performances or think that the Don’t Answer the Phone serial killer monologues were too unrealistic - you should take the Golden Gate exit, pay the toll and head for safer pastures. 


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Bloody New Year

 photo BLOODY-NEW-YEAR.jpg

Bloody New Year (1987 - Norman J. Warren)

        Review By Rob Vertigo

Now here's a turd in the punch bowl. Norman J. Warren was involved in a few shitty-yet-endearing UK flicks during the late 70’s and early 80’s - but this ain’t one of ‘em. Our adventure starts with a group of lame-stain teens hanging out at a small seaside carnival, only to be harassed by a gang of Sha Na Na rejects. During a carousel ride, these hooligans focus their “reign of terror” upon a vacationing American girl for no apparent reason. It’s really just some stupid high school level teasing, but heavy duty violence erupts nonetheless. 

 photo bloodynew.jpg
You can listen to Santana but you'll never be as cool as this fake Sha Na Na

Her friends try to put a stop to this bratty attack - and perhaps a small scuffle would make the most sense - but total annihilation of the fun park ensues with cars crashing through thrill rides, explosions and innocent bystanders getting killed. It all seems a tad much. Anyhow, our heroes quickly hi-tail it away in their 4x4 with a sailboat in tow.

Cut to the nearby water where this crew of misguided youth set sail to nowhere, again without any real apparent reason (this here is an ongoing theme, folks!). What seems like only a couple of feet from the shore, the boat crashes into a rocky ford and slowly begins to sink. Their only option is being beached Lost style on a nearby island, even though one could assume they might have just as well doggy-paddled back from whence they came.

 photo Screen shot 2015-06-08 at 10.21.01 PM.png
Cotton Candy and Neck sweaters are a Bitchin' combo

Quite rapidly, our dimwitted survivors find that this island is home to the Grand Hotel and its lost-in-time inhabitants. Ghosts, demons and other rubber-made nonsense have set up shop here and this is where the fun supposedly begins. These wayward teens get picked off one by one, by shoddy greasepaint ghoulies that would honestly even embarrass the yokels volunteering at a small town haunted house. Lot’s a colored lights flash (there’s even some Christmas trees to add to the effect!) and the occasional pool table floats about. Every eighties horror cliché gets a nod - swiping bits from The Shining to The Evil Dead and so on - in a sadsack attempt to scare or gross you out. And (surprise) all of this seems to happen for NO APPARENT FUCKING REASON. The gore is in abundance, but doesn’t punch balls hard enough to leave even the slightest sting. Joke shop store-bought body parts litter the scenes. Hapless victims run back and forth from the fields outside and back into the hotel again and to the fields outside and then back into the hotel, over and over. We all know they’re trapped here, but c'mon. Running in circles like this does no favors for anyone. Viewers will struggle with nausea, leaving some sad-sacks incapacitated. All the plot holes are failed to be filled during a long winded explanation set against a sock hop turned spook show. A very low attended sock hop, mind you - it only features one spook. A spook suffering from a horrible curling iron catastrophe. This frazzled spectre weaves together a haphazard tale of a crashed plane and a mysterious time shifting device that has stalled the lives (and plot) of all involved for eternity. This sounds like an Eagles song. Check out any time you like, but you can never leave. Honestly, the song is better. Big goddamn whoop. All hell breaks loose and the carny ride, Elm Street bubblegum walls and hokey mirror tricks continue. A couple of good ax wounds to the head spring forth and an elevator offers up some juicy amputations, but nothing is gonna’ lift this from the crud-swamp it’s sinking in...

 photo Screen shot 2015-06-08 at 10.58.36 PM.png
Bargain basement Elm Street effects

This Bloody New Year vibes a bit like another big box fodder of video store past - Class Reunion Massacre - but it's nowhere near as classy (!?!).

It’s bad, but not as bad-golden as it needs to be to keep things entertaining.  If yer a glutton for punishment or have high tolerance for trash like Attack of the Beast Creatures (reviewed right here by Steve Fenton) - then by all means, seek this out. As for me, I want off this crazy ride. A well deserved kudos goes out to the filmmakers for pushing the shit-pop soundtrack band Cry No More over mention of cast and crew. Someone was definitely sleeping with someone. Gack. 


Saturday, June 13, 2015

Under The Doctor

Under The Doctor (1976 - Gerry Poulson)

     Review By Rob Vertigo

Man, oh man. I always figured the point of sexploitation was to give the viewer some sassy groceries to gaze upon. Sweet and tender flesh morsels that keep thumbs off the fast foreword button or pressing eject. If that's the case, then what is it about most British “sex romps” that blow this ideal? Italy and Spain always got it right - hell, they even IMPORTED UK babes to make it work. Under The Doctor is more like watching a tragic drag show without any fun routines. The women involved run the gamut from looking like Mick Jagger's present self equipped with sets of floppy chest sacks to a naked Cloris Leachman stand-in channeling Carol Channing’s voice. Sad face emoticon.Breast may be bountiful, but they ain’t blocking any of the facial features. 

Are my snaggly teeth distracting you away from my goodies?

Under the Doctor is of the standard therapist-does-interview routine, where the lead listens to troubled sex stories from a revolving cast of starlets. Barry Evans plays multiple roles in these farces as well as being the doctor who wearily listens to all the women’s woes. Could’ve be promising - ala Schoolgirl Report - but the old pudding heads involved make you wish it was a book on tape and not a VHS copy. No sir. Brutally unfunny and as tasty as a soiled sidewalk condom on yer tongue (not that I know what that tastes like - I swear). Goofy and obvious vignettes where bumbling fools google over bodacious ta-tas and romp in the hay. There are all the usual scenarios of office interview shenanigans. Rich twit gets a girl, and then she goes behind his back with some foppish dandy. The biology intern and the frisky head doctor who goes frigid post nuptials. Yada-yada-yada. Imagine a Mel Brooks comedy falling flat. Well, just imagine any 80’s Mel Brooks comedy. That bad. Okay the last chapter got me grinning a tad, but nowhere near a full mast approval.  I guess if it’s a Sunday and yer hung over and there’s no local fishing programs on the telly, you could do much worse. I so miss local fishing programs...


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...