Saturday, July 18, 2015

The Black Belly Of The Tarantula

"The Black Belly Of The Tarantula" (1971)

Director: Paolo Cavara
Starring: Giancarlo Giannini, Claudine Auger, Barbara Bouchet
Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin 

We meet again, Barbara Bach! I reviewed another film of hers here at TOG, "The Unseen" which you can read right HERE. I knew she looked familiar (she's very pretty, yet strange looking). I randomly chose "The Black Belly Of The Tarantula" because I know the Giallo (Italian for "yellow", referring to the covers of mystery/thriller books) genre can be sometimes tiresome to watch because there's so many, yet so few that are actually solid films. I think the other reviewers of TOG were a bit put off by Giallos in general because frankly, they're just not as much fun as Italian Horrors, even though both genres sometimes blend together simply because of their geographic origin. I think I unintentionally gave myself a spelling test with this particular film because I don't think I've "Tarantula" correctly on my own once while typing this out. haha
Giancarlo Giannini hugging a stray kitty

Here we have beautiful scenery, some good looking people, but mostly chase scenes and a disconnected plot line. I find films like this purely fun to watch since they're a great study in early 1970s European style, like a living breathing "Better Homes And Gardens" book from 1971. The hyper-sexualized soundtrack by Ennio Morricone makes the film seem more disturbing and sexual than it really is. It's more or less window-dressing. 

Here's two examples of songs that includes lots of moaning as well! 

"Black" is one of many Giallo mystery films, not so much horror since there's little gore and more thriller type scenes therein. Also, there are a bunch of these types of films that have much more interesting titles than the actual movies themselves that mostly include animals or insects. Similarly, Fulci's more successful Giallo, "Lizard In A Woman's Skin" uses this same device to give the film a more strange aura to it that may not have been so present in the first place. The visuals in that film are definitely more substantial though. In both "Lizard" and "Black", the title is referenced in only scene, as if it was completely an afterthought. In "Lizard" it's randomly spoken by Los Bravos lead singer, Mike Kennedy. Here, its used as a metaphor for the style of murders that keep occurring with a nasty battle between a wasp and a tarantula. I'd be hard pressed to believe that the title was not created before the film's first line of dialogue was even jotted down. I think if you asked the killer of this film about the tarantula theory, he'd probably disagree. DVD company, Blue Underground though says in their summary, that the killer is "injecting beautiful women with the poison of a rare wasp". I don't remember that at all. 
weird "mannequin hands"

who's hands are who's? 

This is just an okay movie, and I admit the second time I watched it, it was better. A young police detective (Giancarlo Giannini) is trying to figure out a suspect in a serial murder case. The victims are all young, beautiful women who are paralyzed by a large acupuncture needle, then disemboweled. The gore level here is low, but I definitely flinched at stabbing scenes of the needle held with gloved, mannequin like hands. That's always a horrifying scene for me personally in more extreme Italian horror; that otherworldly large floating appendage hacking away at some poor girl. The large hairy arm in "Suspiria", "House By The Cemetery" and "Tenebre" all have that similar killer's body off camera style that always creeps the hell out of me. The actual disemboweling here is a bit weak though, appearing more he's painted their stomachs instead of slicing into them. 


I had a hard time figuring out who was who the first time I watched it because there's at least 3 women with red hair. It was a bit frustrating. Also the overabundance of young guys with blockheads and dark hair was a bit confusing. I'm guessing this helps aid the "surprise ending", but I spotted the killer pretty quickly although when they were revealed him, I wasn't sure if I had the right person. hahaha. 
From L to R: The "friend" seemingly overdubbed by a gay man, the salon manager and the wife

poor Barbie!

I rate "Black Belly Of The Tarantula" 
☆☆ and a 1/2



You can watch it HERE

Here's the trailer:

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Thursday, July 16, 2015

Devil's Woman




Devil's Woman Directed by Norman "Otto" Chan Hok-Yan, Starring Elvis Tsui Kam Kong  (1996).

Thanks to porn site XVideos, I can watch this Cat III film (pardon the screen shots with that fucking annoying logo in the left corner). Chas claims in the catalog that this features Asia's tallest actor and babies being blown out of a pregnant women's belly, Woah lot's of craziness to look forward too right? 

It all starts off on the set of a movie with May, a poor abused actress played by Cammy Choi Mei-Lan, whose teeth are knocked out during a stunt. This seems realistic from what I've seen in most HK productions, the actors involuntarily perform stunts like it or not. She even makes a thinly veiled Jackie Chan joke. The director goes all Kubrick on her ass and cackles as she almost drowns "for the sake of art". 
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when's Rush Hour 12 coming out?

Penis head or Elvis Tsui Kam Kong the actor from a film I just reviewed (Eternal Evil) shows up as a guy named bald head. He's joined by Ben Ng, another actor from "Evil." calling Elvis bald head instead of dick head is not much of a stretch and he has psychic premonitions to boot. He's on a SWAT team that infiltrates a barn, where a dude who has no qualms about machine gunning a pregnant woman and said baby does indeed get bullet propelled out of the womb and smacks baldy right in the upper lip! Anyone excited to see this needs major therapy, but OK don't say this film didn't deliver its wretched promise! Happy Pappy?


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Yeah that baby might grow up to be Donald Trump, on second thought abort it!

Although there was no indication that the fictional film has stopped, so maybe we're still in fantasy land? Strike that, the tortured actress from the start is back again and given more torture to deal with. There's no establishment of anything in the land of Cat III, everything is hurled at you super fast and you are forced to deal with it immediately, instant gratification some might say!

A warlock or something (not sure, it happens so fast) poisons her with a spider that causes her to puke and than writhe around, this will somehow give her fame? According to HKMDB this is the moment she sells her soul to Satan. First off, I'm not even sure this woman wanted to be famous--but OK-- I'll play along subplot, I mean I guess it worked for Cassavette's character in "Rosemary's Baby".

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Hail Satan, I mean Sedan!

Bald head starts to lose sleep from the stress of being splattered by the dead baby and begins to have nightmares. He sees a pretty psychiatrist played by Marianne Chan Miu-Ying (who was also in "Ebola Syndrome"), who seems totally crazy and keeps a mirror on her desk as a test and stands over it with a short skirt to see if people will check out her vagina. Pretty wacky shit right? that's what you get with this kind of HK film.

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And if my cranium was still a penis I'd beat it into submission

Nothing is really all that hardcore, only suggested at and there's certainly no reason to find this on a porn site! Dr. Cheung (John Cheung Chan-Sang), a horny surgeon bonks May, who wears a cute new wave style haircut, the sex causes him to sprout facial veins, mutate then quickly die. I get the feeling though that he's on a time release and may spring back to life "Alien Nation" style.

There's a MST3K moment where Officer Baldhead gets a bottle smashed over his noggin and utters the profoundly confusing line "It's peanut"! I have to let that settle for awhile before I comment, I can only gather that the translation made no sense or is that a thing Chinese people say like "Meh, it's peanut, no Biggy", very confused! Maybe I'll start that trend of saying things are totally peanut and be helmed as a genius wordsmith, probably not though, let's just move on!


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Madam look more presentable, you're in a Cat 3 film for fuck's sake!
The storyline is pretty much thrown all over the place and it's hard to figure out if it's at all linear. Witchy sources are a foot in the background though and every so often they rear their ugly heads. An eyeball popping cat is on the attack and gets tossed in a microwave (Alf would be licking his greasy lips during this scene I'd imagine).


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That Elm Street Johnny Depp mattress claims another victim!

In Siskel & Ebert's review of Hellraiser 2, they whined about how nothing was linear and you could walk in on any random scene and have no connection to the storyline, I think they were talking about Devil's Woman and wandered into the wrong theater! Oh yeah I have to mention there's a scene where Baldy's dick actually hiccups, I shit you not!

This film is pretty infuriating if you try to follow along, but if you want a gruesome spectacle then just throw it on and turn your brain off, because it hardly made any logical sense to me, it's definitely out there though.

MAKE SURE YOU WATCH IT MORE THAN ONCE, TOO MUCH TO PROCESS! 

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Demon Lover (The Devil Master)


Demon Lover (The Devil Master, Coven, Master of Evil), Directed By Donald G. Jackson 1977.

I wouldn't say I'd call myself a fan of Donald G. Jackson, but his early work has such an endearing scuzzy quality that I find it irresistible beyond all comprehension. Mind you, I had zero information venturing in that this film had such an extensive history and every movie nerd had already seen the making of documentary "Demon Lover Diaries" besides me. Everything I knew about Jackson was through his attachment to Troma ("Frogtown" and "Nukem High 2" respectively?), plus awhile ago I reviewed his wrestling doc from 74 (and released in 85), ''I Like to Hurt People". 

Faster than you could subdue your worst enemy into a sleeper hold, that flick was yanked down from Youtube (Demon Lover Diaries which was also streaming for a brief time period is also gone). So I blindly started to review this flick having no idea that it had any connection at all to the banned PBS doc about racism and teen age dope smokers "Seventeen", which I'd just watched on Fandor and dug like a madman. Joel DeMott and Jeff Kreines made that brilliant film a few years after "Demon" in 1983 and went onto critical acclaim and infamy, whereas Jackson directed a film with Joe Estevez called "Baby Ghost" in 1995 that made me want to claw my own eyes out with a butterknife! So be prepared to have your eyeballs punched out especially if you like inept Satanism and dopiness because you're about to reach the epitome of stupid! Here's what excitement awaits you, adventurous viewer, if you stick it out through the film in question.

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I'm Farting soo hard with all my might!

Some dirt farmer named Laval (Jerry Younkins), to use an outdated grunge term to describe a metal dude from the 70's with dead hair growing out of his scalp, awakens a pretty blonde with some black magic at his castle. On a totally sad and predictable note, Younkins is yet another demented Right Wing nutjob currently on FB (look him up for some mind-blowing hilarity)!

Here I was all ready to re-enjoy the antics of Scott Valentine from "Family Ties," but instead I got more than I bargained for with this dank VHS pick that had more notoriety than I could've imagined. The blueish tints and blacks mingle so much that it looks like a negative at times. Laval (who I thought at first was named Lavar, as in the guy from "Reading Rainbow") is busy controlling lost souls with his hokey demonology.

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The Cowardly Lion and Bobby Liebling of Pentagram mated and had me

According to legend, the actor deliberately sliced off his finger at his factory job to collect the insurance money to finance this very project, if that's not bat-shit insanity I'll eat a delicious baked Alaska then take a long nap!  

Next we're violently tossed into an eyesore of wackiness so abrupt that it took a few rewinding just to register the gloryiness of the awkward people dancing and carousing. Let's see, there's the Zappa guy with a top hat, a Ramones reject named Damian, a pudgy midget and a Brad "two BBQ's" Delp looking bearded fellow. Lavar, the hesher with the dried out crispy hair (which is obviously a bad fright wig) and Toki Wartooth/ Fu Manchu type facial hair, bullies a poor blonde into partaking in a satanic orgy. His demeanor, shouting and cheesy leather gloves and grandstanding makes him look like a WWF wrestler (Don G. is definitely connected to all sorts of pro wrasslers but Younkins isn't one of them, he just comes off that way) My eyes were feeling a little too bleary but after watching just 15 minutes of this flick, I was hooked like a fish-- I mean its that insanely fun and clunky. After all the party goers bail, The devil dude finally gets his satanic wish and an ugly naked chick lies on the alter and assists him with some abra cadabra. He intones nonsensical shit like "Lingerama, Calga, whatever".

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care for a Burnt Weeny Sandwhich?

This is the perfect movie to discover late at night at the crack of dawn by accident on TV, but don't get me wrong I'm grateful it's the future and I found it on YT. It's incredibly fun and dopey, the score is pretty good too--I mean that is if you like shitty casio ala-"Don't Answer The Phone" style noodling. 
A mustachioed cop named Frazetta pulls up to a donut shop and questions the counter girl about that Satanic cult (maybe everyone in town is in on the conspiracy). The characters and vibe of this film reminds me of the opening of Buddy G's "In The Name of" video, just metal dudes everywhere drinking, partying and having a total blast! People prattle on and on about how much better the real story behind this one was and I'm inclined to believe them, since I have yet to watch it. If you like dumb trash and obviously you do, otherwise you wouldn't be here, then trust me, this one is essential viewing!

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This dude is the best!

The donut girl mysteriously kills her own mother in a car crash and then runs smack dab into a goofy cartoon devil! The devil looks similar to the Dio mascot and has glowing red eyes, it looks like that sub-creature would pal around with the plastic demon from Thor's "Rock and Roll Nightmare". Damien the denim wearing hooligan is against all the carnage that comes with worshiping the Devil and wants to stop Laval. He's a total sell out, sort of like the boyfriend character who breaks away from Horace Bones and his gang in "I Drink Your Blood". I realize that I'm giving this film a lot more credit than it deserves but truth me on some primordial level it's immensely entertaining.

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Bought at a Dollar Tree half price!

Back at the station more fried dough eating authority figures with droopy staches and hideous glasses clumsily push pencils and make phone calls.   
One cop is so dumb that he has to look up levitate in the dictionary (I'm guessing he missed "The Exorcist"). It's time to get even more ecstatic because guess who shows up in full 70's fro playing a paranormal psychiatrist, it's Gunnar "Leatherface" Hansen! The headcheese eater plays a Dr. named Peckinpah, so clever aye? 
Hansen is so iconic for his signature role that he never really had to ever appear in anything else but whenever he did it's usually in a throw-a-way part. I've never seen "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" because I don't want to get Fred Olen Ray-bies but imagine Hansen just kind of shows up and collects the check, which is fine good for him.

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Would you kindly direct me to the nearest meathook

Frazetta confronts Lavar at his "castle, where there's no hassle". Next we're abruptly tossed into a karate training match (the pudgy ponytailed main star wears one long leather glove at all times, even under his robe while fighting). He tries out his new moves in a bar where foamy yellow suds are poured and vicious punishment is doled out. There's a pudgy Dan Clowes looking character who always hangs out with the stoners, maybe he's their designated driver. I felt really bad for the Frank Zappa stunt double dude who gets an arrow shot through his crotch (Laval is in the background pulling the puppet strings). It all ends on a messy note with no survivors. I'm not sure how I can recommend this film any more, it's incredibly retarded and genius! The Onion put it on their list of movies where the poster is more impressive that the finished product (which is sort of true), but the movie was so fun it made my week!

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! 

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is this to be the untimely end of Dan Pussey?

Friday, July 3, 2015

The Sky Has Fallen


The Sky Has Fallen Directed By Doug Roos, Starring Carey Maclaren (2009/2015).

I was blindly approached by the filmmaker/editor/make-up artist one man wrecking crew Mr. Doug Roos on FB and holy shit am I glad! It's hardly ever that I'm immediately impressed by a new independent gore film (this one opens with torrents of artery juice sputtering all over the forest trees). During the credits a rampant infectious disease ala-Nightmare City or ebola (the plague, not the film) has turned the population into walking meatloaves. The music is seriously effective and the splatter effects are inspired (Roos over amps the fact that these are "practical" not CGI, which I'm over joyed at)! Lance, the main protagonist played by Carey Maclaren is a samurai sword wielding stoic who also uses guns to battle the plaid wearing infected former humans. He's obsessed with stopping the leader who caused the plague. In the woods, where the film is primarily centered he finds a girl named Rachel played by Laurel Kemper.


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Batter Up!

The snapping and breaking of bones and bloody muscles is ear splitting as the black skeleton hand tears through human flesh. The film handles the carnage in a grimly serious way, none of it is all that amusing (the overly serious music sets that tone for sure). Rachel and Lance find a diary of a priest whose daughter and the foreboding menace has convinced him that there's no reason to keep his faith. Technically the movie is brilliant, but the only flaw I can see is that the two main actors are very stiff and a little too reserved in such a dire situation. It's hard to notice though because the style and gore make up over shadow the acting.

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If you try to connect the dots on my face with a Sharpie, I will shoot you!

One standout barbecued creature (who wears different severed heads as trophies on his belt) attempts to over power Lance, as he hacks and slices causing the red stuff to shower the green forest. There's also these cool faceless ghouls in hoods who silently show up, these are the ones that possibly started the world wide infection. Their ominous presence is left to your imagination. The dripping gory infected humans sort of bumble around and get split open by the sword or shot at by the main characters. Critics have accused Roos of imitating The Walking Dull or some other rehashed flavorless zombie trend currently bobbing toward the surface but in an interview with Horror Galore, he mentions how he was influenced by the Japanese cinema of Kurosawa and Ryuhei Kitamura.

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Help! I can't breathe under this make-up

Even though this is a film about a plague and we've seen this theme recycled before, the movie manages to use the "zombies" (or infected people aspect) in a very original and creative way, making it not a typical film at all. I enjoyed this independent horror flick, even with its short comings (the monotone acting slightly irritated me), but I expect more quality projects from this film maker and feel that it's worth checking out. The DVD, which has cool special features showcasing the creature makeup is available on Amazon.com.     



Monday, June 29, 2015

Eternal Evil Of Asia


Eternal Evil of Asia Directed By Cash Chin Man-Kei, Starring Ben Ng Ngai-Cheung (1995). 

It's been a thousand years since we've delved into Asian territory (excluding Anime of course). I'm talking less cartoony and more Golden Harvest or Media Asia type shit--usually I'll dust off one of these for Weng's Chop, but this time no, you the ToG reader deserve to know about the eternal evil!

I'm not sure yet what that entails, but Skunkape and I watched this together when it was streaming on Netflix long ago, this was waay before every other streaming app offered better content and you had to put up with whatever they spewed out. Netflix did everyone a service when they bought this one but took it away pretty quick! Anyway, the only thing I vaguely remember about EEOA is that a man has a penis sized face with a giant urethra on top and it was a hilarious drunken moment (we were pretty fucking drunk at the time).

The prologue is just insanity, an enchanted ghost kid's soul is stolen by a wizard and used to kill, he loves watching movies and the narrator warns never to take him to the toilet. Already we're dealing with a frenzied and creative HK horror film that can just go anywhere from this point on. I'm down to follow its path if you are!

An abusive father played by Bobby Au-Yeung Jan-Wa hates Ramin, threatens his kid and wife and receives a scary phone call by other ghosts who wail that they want to eat all the Cup-O-Noodles in the house. I'm starting to think this is overt product placement, but who cares it's wildly entertaining and the fish eyed camera spins and circles down the hall as spirits shove noodles down the bastard dad's gullet. Someone behind the scenes is controlling his voodoo doll as he sees extreme close-ups of ghouls that drive him to plunge off a balcony onto some fluorescent lights that impale him. Again, wildly creative shit, am I right?

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LEAVE ME ALONE, go haunt a college campus!

According to this film, everywhere in Asian society people are afraid of being enchanted by a wizard, they must be terrified of Gandalf or Dumbledore. A gaggle of females act like they're at a bachelorette party and one of them explains how to smooth out the wrinkles on your man's balls, illustrating it with a paper bag.

One wife from the party didn't learn much and refuses her husbands meager advances, it gets worse for him because a sorcerer stole his hair from a barber shop and is controlling a voodoo doll of the poor sap. She's played by Ellen Chan Nga-Lun from Fatal Love and The Wizard's Curse. I'm already over joyed at the amount of entertainment packed into this flick and we haven't even hit 30 mins yet!


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Then roll it in batter and fry it!


This film has a strange concept of a cursed voodoo doll effecting male enhancement, giving boners or taking them away, (if this were real, tons of elderly horn dogs would be ordering them out of the back of comics all over America).

Suddenly a hair salon witch volunteers to help destroy the ghost using fire and a magical worm. There's truckloads of weird shit to describe but I'm gonna just leave it up to you to see it for yourself, this film is pretty jam packed with mind blowing wackiness.

One character insults the wizard by calling him a dickhead and becomes his own snarky remark, it's one of the most surreal and funny minutes in HK cinema. The transformed dickhead character is played by Elvis Tsui Kam-Kong, who has quite a resume and we've reviewed almost every other film he's appeared in like Chinese Torture Chamber Story, Boxers Omen and The Seventh Curse.

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Please don't pee on me or choke yourself too hard!

Laimi (played by Ben Ng Ngai-Cheung of Red to Kill fame) is the main offending wizard, there's a scene where he gets "babalitied" Mortal Kombat style by two opposing male and female warlocks who 69 each other in mid flight as they battle. Then as you might expect it gets even crazier as Laimi knocks the females head off with a hex and it goes spinning toward his buddies crotch and her teeth clamp down as her noggin falls to the ground. His four buddies (even the one with the dick face) are in luck because there are benefits to being a wizards pal, for instance he will never trick or hurt his own friends, apparently that's the code of the whiz (which later on becomes total bullshit)!


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69 DUUUUDEE!

In Hong Kong, wizards are very clean cut and domestic but still total pervs, it's kind of funny because they are very unassuming. The horniest part of the movie is when they create a love hex and show off the main wizard's sister's full bush. It goes horribly wrong and makes all the dudes have an orgy with her and I won't go into all the details, but Yada yada yada she gets stabbed and dies. I forgot to mention the fluorescent light victim from the beginning keeps showing up periodically and asking if anyone will have tea with him, he's just a barrel of laughs!

The hexes get even worse (if you can believe that) and cause this one dude to get so hungry he eats himself to death like a Chinese Pizza the Hutt!

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Artist's representation of Chinese Pizza The Hutt

In the second half of the film, throw out all the things you've heard about the honor of a wizard towards his friends because the evil portion starts to take over. The first to go is the dickhead guy, he actual gets turned into an Asian cenobite and foolishly leaves the Buddha Net. The net is designed to help and protect you from ghosts and demons, so if you're ever in trouble stay inside and don't leave until it's safe!

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Take your own advice buddy!

This film is never tedious, but its running time is slightly extreme, that being said I highly recommend watching it in two parts, take an intermission, have a snack and watch the rest later because the assault on your brain and eyesockets is too much to take in one viewing. It ends on a bat-shit crazy note as the warlock receives a long distance invisible blowjob, how's that for a climax!

A CATEGORY III WINNER, GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO SEE IT!


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Chinese Henry Rollins?

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My invisible tube steak has a first name, it's O.S.C.A.R.


Friday, June 26, 2015

Deadly Dogs, vol. 1

by Goat Scrote

     I'm very fond of dogs, both the real and cinematic kind. I'm only a little bit ashamed to declare that I enjoy movies like "Balto" and "The Adventures of Milo and Otis". Here on ToG I've already admitted to being a fan of much weirder things than cutesy movies about dogs. I have also loved scary movies all my life, and I've had a special love of killer animal flicks ever since movies like "Jaws" and "Prophecy" scared the piss out of my impressionable younger self.
     To sum it all up, I have a strange idea of fun which led me to compile a list of movies featuring one or more killer canines as a principal element. Then I set out to watch as many as possible in order to figure out which ones are nummy treats and which ones are turds. I'll be posting brief reviews for many of them, in no particular order, a few at a time.


Man's Best Friend (1993)

     The Dog(s): Max, a super-powered genetically modified organism based mostly on Tibetan Mastiff DNA.
     Mainly a ripoff of: Frankenstein

     Summary: Mad scientist Lance Henriksen creates Max in a lab. Snooping reporter Ally Sheedy liberates the sweet-seeming GMO. She is unaware that Max understands English and has an array of unusual abilities. He has also already killed at least one person. Max is psychopathically possessive of his mistress and he doesn't want to share her with other living things. He also has a vendetta against mailmen, paperboys, and cats, as you'd expect. 
     The animal action is good and plentiful. Max is portrayed as an actual character with personal motivations which change and develop. This sets him apart from most of the critters in the animal-attack genre, where they are commonly a one-dimensional threat. In the end Max really just wants to be loved.


     Best Scene: Max chases a cat up a tall tree, climbs up after it, and gulps down the astounded feline whole! A close runner up is the scene where the jealous dog pisses caustic acid in the face of Ally Sheedy's boyfriend. Only a truly mad scientist would weaponize urine.
     Dishonorable Mention: The deceptive poster art shows a cyborg Rottweiler instead of Max. This movie has no other perceptible flaws. None worth mentioning, anyhow.
     Recommendation: This movie is fun to watch, even though it's very light on blood and guts and not all that scary. It's a personal B-movie favorite because of its juvenile sense of humor and because Max the super-powered killer dog could eat a dozen Cujos for breakfast.



Dogs (1976, aka Slaughter)

     The Dog(s): Common domestic dogs of all kinds get organized and turn against humanity.

     Mainly a ripoff of: The Birds

     Summary:  The dogs are forming a collective, hive-like intelligence thanks to some sort of scent-based pheromonal communication. Interesting premise, boring movie. A biologist tries to save the day and fails miserably, played by a beardy David “Man From U.N.C.L.E.” McCallum. McCallum's hair is the real star of the show. How did he get those tresses so shiny and silky soft? The dogs are even more adorably fuzzy than he is. They must use the same conditioner.
     These canines are clearly more interested in milk bones and frisbees than devouring human flesh. It’s so precious when they swarm like that! During most of the "kill" scenes, nothing can hide the fact that they are just play-wrestling and having a good old time. The animals basically win in the end.


     Best Scene: A massive assault on the poorly-chosen human refuge, which has plate glass walls, begins a little after an hour and twenty minutes in. It ends with a huge pile of bloodied corpses and one dazed survivor.
     Dishonorable Mention: Around the hour mark, Linda Gray (Sue Ellen Ewing on the TV show "Dallas") is killed in a shower attack scene which pays extremely clumsy homage to an entirely different Hitchcock movie. Also worth a dishonorable mention, the movie freezes on a final image of a hissing domestic cat as the credits roll to imply that they will be the next species to turn.
     Recommendation: Start at around 60 minutes and watch through until the end credits. You'll see pretty much all the bloody and exciting parts of the movie without having to endure the dull buildup.




Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell (1978)

     The Dog(s): A cuddly German Shepherd with a pedigree tracing back to Satan Himself.
     Mainly a ripoff of: The Omen, Rin Tin Tin

     Summary: Animal-attack and Satanic movies were both in vogue during the '70s, and “The Omen” successfully combined both, so it was inevitable that someone else would try to exploit both niches at once. This limp, bloodless TV-movie fails to scratch either itch. Evil cultists purchase a bitch in heat and summon the devil so that, it is implied, Old Scratch can make sweet love to her. This is Phase One in their plan for global Satanic dominion? No wonder they keep failing. The devil-worshippers give away the resulting litter and the story follows one of the chosen families, as Rosemary's Puppy dominates minds, corrupts souls, and telekinetically murders anyone standing in the way.


     Best Scene: The climactic battle between pure-hearted master Richard Crenna and the devil dog. The dog's completely ridiculous "true form" is on display, and whatever budget the movie had is blown on a series of campy camera effects. Somehow, it's still not clear how destroying a handful of suburban families was supposed to lead to the thousand-year reign of the Prince of Darkness.
     Dishonorable Mention: The scene in which the dog tries (and fails) to telepathically force his master to plunge a hand into the whirling blades of a lawnmower. It's a gruesome thought reduced to laughable absurdity. The camera cuts back and forth between the dog and master. The former is relaxed and adorably non-threatening, the latter is doing his level best to convince the audience he’s in a raging psychic battle of wills for possession of his fingers.
     Recommendation: Watch the Satanic ritual at the beginning and the battle at the end if you're in the mood for some cheese. Skip everything in between because life is precious and you won’t get that time back.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Green Inferno

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The Green Inferno (Cannibal Holocaust 2, Paradiso Infernale, Yellow Dream) Directed By Antonio Climati, Starring Marco Merlo (1988).

Are you searching for a gentle cannibal film, one where none of the savages fill their bellies with steaming hot entrails and there's no animal deaths which is a good sign in my book. Or perhaps you love Florida and air boat rides, then sit back and enjoy this Antonio Climati romp. Don't get too relaxed though (especially in the sphincter area), because this film features something I've never seen in any jungle adventure exploitation movie--Anal fish! 

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Be on the look out for Butt lovin whales too

Right off the get go, we're on the wrong track for a distant relative to an Umberto Lenzi or Deodato nasty because they all must start off in NYC, it's scientifically proven! Then straight after we escape from the urban civilization to the savage world. Inferno starts off in Florida and comes off like an all nerdy episode of Thunder in Paradise (without Hulk Hogan--he called in sick). 

Some zippo flicking dude named Korenz is missing in the Amazon as shirtless men who both kinda look like John Stockwell and their frizzy haired buddy ride around town and hijack a miniplane while smooth jazz plays! I'm talking so classy, it sounds like The Bold & The Beautiful is gonna start up any minute now.

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I brought the Funk!

 An alternate title for this was Cannibal Holocaust 2, I bet some gore hounds out there were pretty upset once they popped this in the VCR and saw that absolutely no animals were harmed (Whew, says I)! Climati is no stranger to the sick world of Mondo and worked as a cinematographer on Goodbye Uncle Tom, Mondo Cane, Africa Addio and This Violent World. Why he decided to do the right thing and spare all the magnificent creatures is anyone's guess, maybe he finally grew a conscience.

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Are these Newman's Own shrunken heads really organic?

They spend so much time on the runway showing you the mechanics of a small plane that it's almost like an instructional video (make sure you jot down some notes)! If I were a 4 year old and liked planes and trucks, I'd be enthralled. Ok, this film is half rewarding, half dull. Don't look now because Gemma a tropical journalist finds a hut where an inbred goon with a head shrinking operation shows her in detail how to get those large skulls extra tiny! This film is so informative, I've already learned so much. Fred the frizzy haired glasses wearing geek reminds me of the science character from Beer Fest played by Steve Lemme.

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Duh look at me I'm a pilot!

The three main characters go shopping and hang out in the town square, they are looking for Garcia aka The Piranha. They find him gambling on race frogs, I'm betting Eli Roth is really gonna make his version of this film super exciting, if it ever comes out! The funny thing is, it could actually use a remake, but it's only related by title obviously. 

Ahoy Matey, welcome to Eli Roth's Long John Silvers

Fred (Marco Merli, who also co-wrote the script), a horn playing anthropologist is a man of many talents and gives a monkey mouth to mouth! They find a boat and set sail down the muddy river and this is where we see the famous "ass fish scene"!

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Deleted scene from Stand By Me

There is more male nudity then there really should be as more bowl hair cutted natives drop trou and venture into balmy terrain. It's fascinating to see most of the animals usually slaughtered for no reason at all walking around unharmed (turtles, ant-eaters, cute monkeys), it's almost as if Climati tried to rectify the mistakes other Italian cannibal directors have made with animal cruelty. This film is also unique in that the whites aren't trying to exploit the natives and they actually all get along. They do encounter a waring tribe who starts up shit because they want to eat the monkeys. That tribe is so dumb that they let the white people go because they are so impressed by their tape recorder.

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Don't be jealous of Koala's boobs Gemma


A pretty indio named Koala who has light bulb boobs joins up with the crew and they all get along famously (so there's no need for a rape or Cannibal Holocaust style impalement). Indiana Jones would be terrified by this film, what with the concept of a "Python Blowjob" as punishment! That aforementioned scene is so odd, a grizzled man with a gun threatens the dudes and they all pull down their pants like they are into it, I'm just so confused by The Green Inferno! If it's a cannibal film, it fails miserably, it's too gentle and yet it tries at the same time to be demented and weird while covering it up with more tedium and diversions. It's way out of its element and a strange mix of playing it safe (no one is really hurt at all) in a genre that's all about primitive man, Nativism, dominance and cruelty; it's an odd duck for sure!


FOR CANNIBAL COMPLETISTS ONLY, COULD'VE BEEN RATED PG-13!  

MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT OUR TRIBUTE TRAILER! 

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HAHA, I bet you didn't count on my schlong being longer than the python!


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Monkeys are so safe in this flick, they take a nap
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