Friday, December 19, 2014

Blastfighter

 -Reviewed by Skunkape- 

 "Remember those two old bucks up above the falls, who were buttin' each other until they locked horns and they couldn't get loose...they died that way."

-the words of Jake "Tiger" Sharp to his old rival Tom


"Can't we all just get along?"






Directed by Lamberto Bava 1984
 Blastfighter aka "Mustache vs Beard!" At least that's what I call it! Well, not really. It stars Michael Sopkiw who is sporting the stash and the bearded one is none other than George Eastman. (Drop an Eastman movie title in the comment section where he doesn't have a beard! Can you?) The two previously worked together in Martino's 2019 After the Fall of New York and are back in this Lamberto Bava genre mash up. I think ultimately Blastfighter is an action movie at heart but throw in all the exploitation elements that Italian cinema is known for and the results are mind blowing.

"Say hello to my big friend."
Sopkiw is Jake "Tiger" Sharp, an ex cop who got in way over his head. The film begins with the heart pumping sounds of Fabio Frizzi's theme as Tiger is released from prison after serving eight years. While on the force he witnessed one of his fellow officers gunned down in cold blood by some goon. Unfortunately that goon was on a corrupt politician's pay roll and heads to Tiger's place to kill him. Tiger isn't at home but his wife is and the deviant brutally stabs her in the neck. With the politician's protection and no where to turn Tiger makes the decision to have his revenge and blows the criminal away. Now out of prison, a close friend of his from the police force gives him the ultimate weapon so he can blow this politician straight to hell. Tiger seeks him out looks through the scope but can't do it. He decides revenge will not put him at ease and heads to his old home town out in the country to live out his life peacefully, but this is where the real problems begin.

"I killed your wife, nanny nanny, boo boo!"
 While he's driving we hear Tommie Baby's country cover of "Evening Star", originally composed by Barry, Robin, and Maurice Gibb! As soon as he gets into town and stops off for a few groceries the locals stare at him with unapproved. Not only that, but banjo boy Billy Redden from "Deliverance" is even there making a cameo. Tiger or Tige for short goes up to his cabin of solitude and with his new 'blastfighter' of a weapon goes on a little hunt. Three other assholes cross his path and shoot a deer but won't put it out of its misery. Tiger saves its fawn and takes it up to his house to take care of it. He drives the animal into town to purchase a baby bottle. When he comes back to his car the locals have cut the deer's throat. This means war and he easily kicks redneck ass. This puts him back in the local slammer but he's bailed out by an old friend, Tom.(Eastman) The two men who once were best buddies had a falling out and Tom lays down the law for Tige. The reason the hunters never actually killed the deer while hunting is that an Asian poacher uses the half dead animals to make medicines. He pays good money to these yokels and Tom is in on the cut aside from running a lucrative saw mill. One of those three hunters from earlier is Tom's little brother Wally, and he makes it his official duty to make Tiger's life miserable, even going as far to sabotage his brakes. For his actions Tiger strikes back, pushing Wally's hunting truck down a hill.This pisses off Wally and his barefooted overall wearing friends even more.(Hell, they deserved it!)

Dueling Groceries

Who killed Bambi?

Buck Lo Mein

A strange pretty lady shows up at Tiger's place and for some reason and won't identify herself. We find out later that she is Tiger's daughter Connie and she wants to be part of his life. Connie is played by Valentin Forte who also hooked up with Ruggero Deodato (in more ways than one) for the films Cut and Run and Body Count. Tige tries to push Connie away feeling sorry for himself, exclaiming that he's not a good father and a failure at life. He gets some more support when his cop buddy from earlier shows up, the one who gave him the gun and a friend of Connie's who's a park ranger in training.Pete the ranger is played by none other than Michele "The Church" Soavi. Tiger now comes to his senses and decides it's time to leave and start fresh with his family and friends, but it's too late. Tom's prick brother rolls barrels of fire down the mountain setting their transportation on fire. All the rednecks from town have come together to kill Tiger and his friends and they do kill Tige's cop buddy and Pete the wannabe ranger. They almost even rape Connie.Tiger's had enough and with his massive weapon he goes on a hunt of his own, the hunt for an entire town of redneck pricks!

"I like turtles"

It's the Blue Collar Comedy Tour

This movie works very well as a revenge film. Bava pulls all the strings to make the viewer pissed and keeps you rooting for Tiger all the way. The dialogue is pretty dopey throughout but I did find a few tender moments and some real chemistry between Tiger and Connie as the father and daughter.
You won't want to miss the finale when Jake "Tiger" Sharp goes head to head with fifty plus rednecks and has a final showdown with George "Big Ape" Eastman!


A little First Blood, a little Deliverance, with maybe a touch of Bambi, this all-star cast is directed to perfection by Lamberto Bava.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
10/10 ON THE CULT-O-METER

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Not Convinced you should seek out Blastfighter?
WATCH THIS!








Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Abar: The Black Superman


Abar, The Black Superman ( In Your Face) Directed By Frank Packard, Starring Tobar Mayo (1977). 

I first heard of this film by way of Psychotronic Video, one of my most treasured source books. After Fangoria went hardcore mainstream, I gave up on them and discovered the Michael Weldon publication then never looked back. They made it sound so bizarre, that I had to check it out. I rented it in Berkeley at Reel Video, a long lost cult video store on tape under the Xenon Films title of "In Your Face". The cover is a real beauty, it's got a chubby angry guy who sort of looks like Abdullah The Butcher making a crazy face while a 2 Live Crew looking babe attached to his arm makes a duck face.





At the time there were a lot of these Dolemite videos and they all had a similar image only this time it wasn't Rudy Ray Moore, but some miscellaneous dude that never appears in the film (the cover is pretty brilliant though--I couldn't resist!)

The Bad Bunch got me thinking about this film, they are both poorly filmed and centered around a racist environment and use Martin Luther King to illustrate a point. This film however, as inept at it may seem, is much better than the Greydon Clark one in my opinion. 

Dr Kinkade (J. Walter Smith), An African American scientist and his family move on up to one of the most disgustingly racist white suburbs. The film gets all the semantics out of the way by immediately establishing how fucked up the white folks are because they see black people moving in and assume that they must be the help!

It's even more frightening to me that this attitude continues to exist even today in America disguised as Patriotism when its really Nationalism or Nativism. Mabel (Dee Turguand) a vile bigot goes apeshit, once she realizes blacks have polluted her white neighborhood and this film came out in the free wheeling multiculturalism era of 1977! This film bangs you over the head with the racist message that certain white people refuse to accept an educated rich African American, it's pure exploitation (I guess whitesploitation could work, but that's feeling sorry for these low life scumfucks)! 


You don't wanna know what she's saying here


Nazis start picketing Dr. K's lawn and white businessman enter his house and try to buy them out. The Dr. mentions that he's had to move three times in a month and won't budge! I admire his conviction and detest every white face I see in this film. Abar really does its job in making you feel embarrassed by white folk's idiotic behavior. I wonder what people thought at the time they filmed this? This movie is very political and even makes you think that this type of rampant ignorance still exists (I mean, just look at the all white Republican controlled congress). 

The social commentary is razor sharp and elevates whatever cheap shoddy elements they patched this film together with. John Abar (Tobar Mayo) shows up with his group "the black front of unity" and tries to convince the doc that he should move back to the ghetto and not make a spectacle out of himself. Mayo is the only actor in the film with any other screen credits like Killer of Sheep and Escape From New York.


It's ABAR Not Babar, do I look like a honky elephant to you?


Abar and his bikers are sort of like the  guardian angels accept not useless and follow Malcolm X's motto instead of non-violent resistance.
The Doc has an ace up his sleeve, because he has a secret formula that can transform anyone into a super crime fighter! Two crackers in denim outfits whistle Dixie and try to hurt the doctor, but Abar swoops in and punches them out. Dr Kinkade's family are suffering for their fathers principles but he has conviction and stands his ground. The interior of their house has a lot of red walls for some reason. The Doctor approaches Abar, while he preaches on the street to his flock in the ghetto, this is where he convinces him to undergo experimental injections. Mabel the racist bitch faints just before calling Dr. K's son a "pickaninny" and who's there to help out but the only capable doctor in the vicinity. I think he should've let her slip into a coma but his devotion to the hippocratic oath is commendable.
Dr. K's brother shows up in the most ridiculous way possible, by sneaking around in a Halloween mask in the dead of night! This idiot almost gets choked out by Abar, who seems to have moved in the guest room.


You know you could've rung the door bell ya dumb ass!

After awhile it gets quiet, but  you still expect the white people to do something fucked up-- I mean this movie really taps into that old notion "don't trust whitey" they are the monstrous villains of this film.

Dr Kinkade's poor son gets run over by some shit head attempting to blow up the doctors house with dynamite. After the death, they both discuss Dr. King's life and commitment to non-violent protest. The doctor berates him, using psychology to coerce Abar into taking the injection that will make him indestructible (they prove how it works by shooting a rabbit a bunch of times and it still lives), no animals were harmed thankfully. 
A bunch of racist cops go all "Rodney King (or Michael Brown R.I.P.)" on Abar and blow him away, luckily he took the super serum and strikes back with a vengeance!  

This mealworms could use some Crystal Hotsauce

He uses his powers to change the ghetto by first stopping graffiti, then wino's booze transforms into milk, people eat worms and other random events happen as he stares into the camera and strange wind noises are heard. Although I wonder if he's really using his powers for good? At any rate the last few minutes get really wacky and we also learn that Mabel is holding on to a secret connected to her hatred of black people (and it doesn't justify her reprehensible behavior). Abar is a clunky blaxploitation flick with an uplifting message that overshadows the technical difficulties, definitely check it out!

Monday, December 15, 2014

Full Contact


Full Contact Directed By Ringo Lam, Starring Chow Yun-Fat (1992).

This epic Ringo Lam flick doesn't give you a chance to catch your breath as you are assaulted by constant frenetic cartoonish action and ultra violence! This is a film I'd been wanting to review for a long time, but other obligations just got in the way. It's the best movie that Simon Yam has ever appeared in, he plays The Judge, a flashy over stylized flamboyantly homosexual gangster who opens the film by callously stabbing a female in the chest. Yam wears a lot of zebra print and has tons of hankies, it's as if he works on the side as a magician. In the opening scene, Judge and his gang of punk looking cohorts take over a ritzy antique shop. This film is a good way to convince someone who's on the fence about HK action films and should be mandatory viewing for anyone wanting to see a top notch entry in the genre. 


Stop or I'll shoot you with these Ebola bullets!

This is the only film where I've enjoyed the English dub as well as the foreign language version both are totally shameless. Anthony Wong plays Sam, a spineless twerp who gets involved with loan sharks, who stick his head in a car door and threaten to murder him. Here he still resembles his trade mark scumbag character from Ebola Syndrome, but this time does nothing as repulsive. He truly evolves during the course of the film and has lots of range as an actor. Some call Ringo's style "John Woo lite", fuck that shit, there's nothing light about this film!

Chow Yun-Fat is Godfrey, a super badass biker who must bail his pal out from under the thumb of a few petty gangsters hanging out in a rainy garage. The fight choreography looks bone crunchingly authentic. Yun-fat wields a lightning quick butterfly knife and washes his enemies blood in the rain water. The rock music sounds like bad Sammi Hagar novelty songs and fits perfectly.


Chow played Steve Martin's character in an Asian production of Little Shop of Horrors

Godfrey takes what I can only describe as a hallway bath with a bucket of water and waxes poetic with his petite stripper fiance Mona played by Ann Bridgewater. He bites her arm and says teeth marks are better than a marriage certificate, which is an odd line if you ask me! 
Wong's character seems to have a good heart in the beginning and only deals with those loan sharks in order to pay for his mom's funeral in Thailand. 

I'm happy to report that non of the homophobic antics seen in Pantyhose Hero (reviewed here) show up in this film and Yam's portrayal of a gay character isn't offensive. Godfrey teams up with The Judge's crew and they form a shaky alliance, both relying on the notion of "keep your enemies closer", which doesn't bode well for either group. 


Did you just queef, it smells like Starkist?

There's a really skanky tart in the group played by Bonnie Fu, who always wants people to check out her crotch. I remember the English dialogue being slightly more filthy when she talks. Just after masturbating in a moving vehicle, she tosses a grenade at a random motorist and blows half the bridge off. She's the most offensively over-sexualized character it's a tad nauseating.  
I like seeing Yam and Wong in the same car, they've appeared in many films we've reviewed at ToG and their careers are always trying to upstage each other. In my book Wong outshines Yam's career for grossout Cat III movies. The car stunts are on a Mad Max level of questionable safety and put your nerves on edge.

Chow and Yam get into a savage knife fight. Judge (Yam) who complains that his hair got mussed, licks the knife after it slices thru Godfrey's tender fingers. Sam is a spineless wimp and betrays his cousin for fear that The Judge and his pals will retaliate. He blasts him in the chest and leaves him to die, just after mowing down an innocent family and firebombing their house! Godfrey barely makes it out alive and escapes on a speedboat with an adorable Boston Terrier in tow.


Apocalypse Now reenacted with cute dogs

After missing a few fingers, he regains his strength and well being during an empowering, but cheesy montage. He hangs out with his dog on a motorbike and trains by shooting glass bottles. He also stitches himself back together Rambo style.

Sam has completely lost his mind and transforms into a cold blooded gangster with a sweet new Perm! He seems reborn a hardened criminal and proves it by blowing a meaty sized crevice into an old acquaintance's throat in a bar. Judge really gets off on violent explosions and eats his hotdog like a weirdo, without the bun.

"Aqua-Wong My Friend"by Jethro Tull

There are some wacky musical dance numbers that raise the molten level of hot bubbling cheese in Full Contact, but it's all part of the delightfully campy atmosphere.
Sam (Wong) knows that Godfrey is out for revenge and is shaking like a chicken shit loser.
Godfrey misses his old flame Mona who's shacked up with Sam now, because she assumed he died in a fire. They remain civil to eat other, but Sam cannot be trusted and Godfrey has fantasies of murdering him.
There's so much firepower and empty clips in this film, that it never gets dull. This came out the same year as Reservoir Dogs (which Tarantino borrowed the main plot from Ringo Lam's City on Fire). 
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

During a really graphic sex scene between Sam and the tart (Bonnie Fu), the dialogue switches to English. I'm assuming that clip was excised from the Foreign version, which is odd to me because usually they save the more extreme shit for the original. There's a really bloody ambush that involves ice blocks and someone being thrown off a ledge, hung by the neck! 

Godfrey doesn't give a fuck and flaunts his gutsiness by ordering a Perrier at the gangster's hideout. Their mouths all drop because they assumed he died. 
 Ringo Lam borrows from Argento and shows the perspective of the bullet fly out of the chamber and enter the brain of a victim. This same shot would later resurface in the Kill Bill animated sequence.
When Godfrey makes a deal with the Judge, he tells him to wash his butt, which reminds me of that Red Foxx comedy album "Wash That Ass!".



There's an incredible motorcycle shoot out toward the end, as Chow blasts thru gangsters faces while smoking a cigarette the entire time.
As he sends a fatal bullet sailing through Judge's throat he tells him to go beat off in hell, which may be the first and last time you'll ever hear a line like that!


Come any closer and I'll butterfly your testicles!

Almost all of the directors titles are featured in the Deep Red catalog like The Adventurers, City on Fire, Prison on Fire, Twin Dragons and Burning Paradise. None of them have been covered yet, so we've got our work cut out for us. Lam's Americanized career would be less embarrassing than his other HK action mogul counterparts like Ronny Yu, Tsui Hark and John Woo of course, but still kind of disappointing. It all went down the drain with Maximum Risk a Van Damme dud, although its not fair to lump Ringo in with other Asian directors out to make a fast buck and he's even returned to the forum (working with Simon Yam again) on Wild City coming out next year, so don't write him off just yet! This film is available to stream at most sites like Fandor, check it out!

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! 

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Monster Shark aka Devil Fish



 -Reviewed by Skunkape-
Directed by Lamberto Bava 1984
A quick personal note. Really I promise it'll be quick. I had just seen Demons for the first time and therefor was now familiar with the name of Lamberto Bava. The next summer I was on vacation with the folks in North Carolina bored out of my mind. I went to the local video store, then imagine the joy of seeing a Jaws rip off showcased in the VidMark Big Box, and it being directed by Lamberto Bava. The night was anything but pleasant. I've resented that viewing experience my entire life. I've finally had the courage to watch the film again but this time I watched the alternate version titled Monster Shark. It still sucks, but being the Michael Sopkiw megafan I've now become, it was a lot more fun and I already had low expectations.

If you like Deviled eggs you'll love Devil Fish!

The film starts with a chopper flying over the ocean, then it pulls a man with his legs chewed off out of the water. You know I'm really sick of these movie monsters being so wasteful! If you're a hungry monster, you could at least eat more than just the legs, that's a whole torso wasted. Don't these monsters know kids are starving in Ethiopia.
"You can't see from this angle that my butt's missing too."
 Monster Shark is Michael Sopkiw's third starring role. He plays Peter, a studly genius who makes radio and computer technology for a pair of marine biologists. He'll probably even fix your TV too! One of these scientists is a British beer drinking know it all and the other is a praying mantis.(she's really skinny) The thin but hot dolphin training love interest is a real dickens, Dr. Stella Dickens that is! We first meet her while she's training a dolphin named Donald, I wonder if the in the Italian version it's Donatello? Dr. Stella is played by french actress Valentine Monnier. She was Sopkiw's gal pal in 2019 After the Fall of New York and their chemistry on screen got her this role as well. 

Life Aquatic with Peter Zissou

"Every time I swim it's literally Skinny Dipping."

"This new Don Johnson album rocks!"
 Monster Shark maybe a Jaws rip off (as the fish's theme definitely suggests) but this shark squid mutant isn't scaring tourists away or shutting down any annual festivals. He's actual even more of a menace with his tentacles than his teeth but Tentacles is another title that was already taken. This sharktopus was man made. There's another troublemaker in this film besides the fish, Dr. Davis Barker, a money hungry scientist from West Ocean International (W.O.I.) created it as a weapon to sell to the highest bidder. Not only that but he's sleeping with the head of W.O.I.'s wife, Professor Donald West. To protect his investment Dr. Davis has hired thug named Miller and he's running around knocking off anyone whose digging for clues putting Peter, Stella, and the rest of the marine team in danger. They discover that the super fish can regenerate it's cells. Which means if they blow it up all it's pieces will make hundreds of little devil fish. Peter uses a device to recreate the fish's own sound in order to lure into shallow water. The Coast Guard and local police will be waiting for the devil fish with gasoline and blow torches. Will Dr. Davis's mob squad snuff out Peter and will the Police be able to burn the monster until not one regenerating cell is left? Who Cares!  :)

WOI vey

"I'm Dr. Davis Frankenfish"

"I can't find my swim trunks."

Next on the Sci-Fi Channel it's Sharktopus vs. Ravioli-Saurus

Devil Fish aka Monster Shark is a monster turd no doubt. I think the project may have been an excuse for Italy’s bad boys of film to take a trip to Florida.  When Italians go to Florida they have way too much fun hanging out at the beaches and they don’t spend enough time making good films. Two Italian/ South Florida movies are Ruggero Deodato’s Raiders of Atlantis (many will disagree with me that this film doesn't suck) and Alberto De Martino's Miami Golem, both great ideas with potential but guilty of sucking. Director Lamberto Bava has made some classics but directing this crap under the name John Old Jr. is one of his epic failures. The Assistant director is none other than hack master Bruno Mattei aka Gilbert Roussel. The Story is by Martin Dolman (Sergio Martino’s director aka for 2019 After the Fall of NY) , Lewis Coates (Lugi Cozzi’s director aka for Contamination and Dean Lewis.(Dean Lewis? A Mystery Italian?) The actual screenplay was penned by four different writers including Dardano “Zombie” Saccchetti. Composer Fabio Frizzi aka Antony Barrymore does the score, which isn’t horrible, it’s actual quite good but it just doesn’t really fit this film. Funny that he scored Blastfighter under the name Andrew Barrymore and in the credits for this one he’s Antony.  One Conspiracy theory is that Frizzi had a split personality and wanted to start a company run by two talented brothers that will score film’s known as the Super Barrymore Bros.  

Floridians are the Pollo of the Sea


 
Devil Fish the video game by Commodore 64


If you thought that I wasn’t going to mention the MST3K version of Devil Fish you thought wrong! It’s one of my favorite episodes and serves this movie right. The only major differences between the two are that scenes are arranged in a different order and there’s a fair amount of nudity in the uncut version. My only issue with the riffing is that Mike and the bots repeatably peg Sopkiw as a European when he was born in Connecticut, USA.

MOVIE SIGN!



4 /10 on the CULT-O-METER

Almost fun, for Sopkiw fanatics only

Stick with the MST3K version you know that’s 10 of out 10!


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Monster Shark or Devil Fish?

At Theater of Guts we call it
BeelzeTuna 




 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Hunter's Blood



Hunters Blood Directed By Robert C. Hughes, Starring Clu Gulager (1986).

This film is packed to the rafters with cult celebrities. We've got Bruce Glover (Crispin's pop with a scary albino eyeball), Clu Gulager (ROTLD), Sam Bottoms (Apocalypse Now), Billy Drago (Freeway, Invasion USA) and even Joey Travolta! You need a Poseidon Adventure style cast to keep a Deliverance style hixploitation afloat, right? Shelley Winters already starred in Poor Pretty Eddie, one of the best ones, so it makes sense that she'd sit this one out. Billy Bob Thornton apparently was in the background somewhere, on IMDB this is his first screen credit on a film. I didn't see him, but there's a very dark bar scene that he may have been present for. This film has a noodling guitar theme by John D'Andrea that sounds as if the composer was fucking around at the guitar store and recorded it while he was there, saving the production company a huge chunk of change in the process. 
   It begins with David Rand (Sam Bottoms, whose brother I fondly remember as a George W. Bush impersonator in "That's My Bush"). While in the middle of a filthy shower session with his girlfriend played by Kim Delaney (NYPD Blue, Body Parts), he gets interrupted by his "city slicker" buddies who are all keyed up for a hunting trip.

We've got hunting sores and boners

   Uncle Al (Ken Swofford) picks everybody up in his red Ford Bronco and they head out into hillbilly country to bag some deer. Al says really gay stuff like "I'm gonna ream your butt", and other ass-related antidotes-- he's actually my favorite character in the entire film. Joey Travolta (who I remember as the spaceman goofus with a chimp on his shoulder from Amazon Women on the Moon) plays Al, a comic relief with amateur wilderness experience. The first sign of trouble occurs once they reach a redneck bar. They all seem thrilled to chuckle at some slack jawed yokels while driving through the scary hills of Arkansas.     


I'm doing an Elizabeth Banks Wet Hot American Summer impression, now pucker up!


   Al pisses off two scary hicks with BBQ sauce smeared on their faces and overalls. They know what they're in for when they see a sign that says "No Colords (sic)" and all they have is Bud in the can. The lollipop sucking bartender floozy makes a fuss that they want beer nuts and calls them "nutlovers" and "cocksuckers".


What kind of organic ale do I have on tap, you say?

   Dave and his pals start up some shit with the rednecks and seem to be asking for trouble. Don't they know they're in a Deliverance ripoff? It's kind of funny how the first hillbillies they encounter in the bar look like a bizarro version of Dave and the boys. It gets a lot worse for them later as they venture deeper into inbred territory.

Try some of Ted Nugent's Conservative headcheese

    Once the night creeps in and the hunters gather around a campfire, it gets pretty terrifying when a group of aggressive bloodthirsty crackers show up once they fall asleep. Talk about a rude awakening! Bruce Glover cackles like a idiotic witch and Billy Drago pisses on one of the yankees. Their bearded leader is Lee de Broux, an actor I've only seen in Robocop. He's the guy who Clarence Boddicker confronts in the coke warehouse and rudely dips his fingers into his wine. 


I've dealt with shit head punks like you before in ROTLD

   Things get scary and primitive at the same time, it's funny how a lot of the men all talk about their peckers for some homoerotic reason. There's just something queer about the wilderness I guess. Clu Gulager who plays Dave's father is pretty bad ass and isn't afraid of these hicks, who all threaten to rape him and his friends. The mongoloids who are seen chopping up deer heads and offal scatter after two game wardens show up. It gets really nasty after the two cops are skinned alive by the redneck maniacs and tacked to a tree (the make-up effects by Mike Spatola, whose work included Little Monsters and Bud The Chud are pretty convincing).


I'm so cold, can I borrow some flesh?

      Everybody sort of freaks out and are convinced that they'll be next. Travolta looses his cool the most and Uncle Al slaps some sense back into him, its a tender moment that you don't usually get in an exploitation flick. Dave's dumb girlfriend even drives out to the woods to meet up with them with out his knowledge and almost gets brutally raped.

Dick Cheney strikes again

   Clu Gulager gets shot and wounded and they all panic, it gets really intense toward the last 30 minutes. Dave becomes the unhinged hero and starts slaying each hillbilly one by one. He starts by jabbing the first guy in the throat with a huge knife. One character named Purty Boy gets his face completely blasted off till its caved in! Another character named Washpot (Mickey Jones from V and Total Recall) gets deer antlers plunged into his back, OUCH! The gore quotient starts tipping the scales at the end and the revenge is pretty satisfying. The ending is kind of dicey and can be interpreted a few ways, they seem to escape, but leave on a train owned by Razorback Meats (the hick's company). That means they could've ended up in the clutches of more insane hillbillies or just escaped unharmed, thats where it ends and there was never a sequel. All in all, Hunter's Blood is an effective Hixploitation that delivers the goods!    

I'm from the Southern Hospitality commitee!

Billy Drago was born William Burrows, good thing he changed it

   The script by Emmett Watson is surprisingly well written (or maybe it's the performances that extenuated it). Watson wrote some clunkers like 9 Deaths of the Ninja and New Years Evil. I enjoyed both of those films despite the weak spots in the Sho Kosugi vehicle and the lame ass non ending in New Years Evil. This film is available from J4HI.COM on a "Hunting Humans" double feature with Bridge to Nowhere from New Zealand. 

ORDER HERE


Monday, December 1, 2014

Massacre in Dinosaur Valley

  -Reviewed by Skunkape-


Directed by Michele Massimo Tarantini 1985 
 Let us begin with the star of this epic jungle romp, Michael Sopkiw. The Model turned actor starred in four Italian productions and this was his last. I’m not going to lie, I do have a bit of a man crush on Sopkiw, but there are always certain dudes in film we love to watch in macho action films. Harrison Ford representing the A list, Bruce Campbell for the B list and Michael Sopkiw for the Z. Massacre in Dinosaur Valley has been marketed as an Indiana Jones style adventure film and a cannibal film, it was even given the title Cannibal Ferox II in some countries but I assure you no animals were harmed in the making of this film. It does a good job of blending the elements of an adventure film and the Italian cannibal films we love so much. Well, it has it all really! Like quick sand, piranhas, white slave traders, a sadistic lesbian, it also showcases beautiful women naked throughout.  If you haven’t seen it, you should probably just close this review and go buy it right now!

Three's Company in the Jungle
The sexy Eva (Suzane Carvalho) rides into a small village with her father. Her dad is a professor and author of many books on anthropology. They are there to explore the forbidden valley of the Dinosaurs. The Professor (Leonidas Bayer) charters a flight along with an ex Vietnam vet and his drunk wife, whose always giving him a “hard” time about not being able to get it up. Also on board, two gorgeous models and their photographer for some sleaze ball magazine. The plane is fully booked, so how does bone finder Kevin Hall (Sopkiw) from the Boston Institute of Paleontology manage to get on board?  He overhears the captain mention that their stop in the valley of the dinosaurs is a protected preserve and an illegal destination so he uses that to blackmail the pilot for a seat on the floor.

"Let me on the plane...please!"
"I'm "Dog" the bone hunter"

Why is this valley such a big deal? Well because many who go there never return. Rumor has it that there is a curse. Is the curse of this sacred valley real? I’m convinced it is! As soon as they even get near the location the plane gets all screwy and the pilot loses all control, I’m sure it has nothing to do with the pilot's drinking. The plane crashes as we witness a toy model being thrown around in someone’s backyard. OK, maybe the crash effects aren’t quite that bad but the inside of the plane looks like it has Ed Wood written all over it. The plane is wrecked and sadly lives are lost including the professor, a model, and the pilot.  The Vietnam vet and former Captain, John Heinz (Milton Rodriguez) takes over immediately after the crash. He boasts that he knows jungle survival and will keep everyone safe. He exclaims something like, “…all jungles are the same, what’s the difference? We’re just replacing Gooks with Indianos.” (Indianos is Italian for Indian) He unsympathetically rushes those with dead loved ones to stop mourning and Eva watches her father breath his last breath and die.  Now the fun begins!

"Before I die, will my daughter get my sky miles?"

"I feel like I'm being watched."

 Captain Heinz is clearly the alpha male here and Kevin tucks his tail under his legs, for now. Heinz takes the survivors down a trail that follows a river. When they start to hear animal noises Kevin warns them that these are the sounds of the Aquara (Aquara? not a real tribe) Indians surrounding them. The photographer sadly falls prey to piranha and loses his leg. When he makes too much noise, Heinz stabs him through the back to shut him up. Kevin attacks Heinz for his heinous act but unfortunately gets knocked down a water slide of rocks separating him from the group. Don’t worry though he’s OK and he even manages to barely get away from a hungry crocodile looking for some lunch.(oh crikey) The Captain and his wife get attacked by the natives and shortly after Eva and Belinda, (Susan Hahn) the model  get captured. Betty Heinz, (Marta Anderson) the vet's wife falls victim to quicksand. This attack becomes one war the ex-soldier can’t come out of alive, he’s hit with about 5 or 6 arrows and pinned up against a tree. The chief stabs him in the chest and pulls out a piece of his entrails for a little snack. A little while later Kevin rescues the ladies from the cannibals. He disrupts a ceremony in which a shaman wearing a triceratops headdress is using Eva and Belinda in a barbaric ritual . Kevin hijacks one of the tribe's canoes, so the cannibals set up a giant net further down the river and with three shotgun shells left Kevin shoots the net and he hits the Indian’s chief causing them to retreat back to their camp.

Tricera-TopHat!

Pull my finger!

"Made you look!"
 You might think the worst is over, nope. While taking a breather and admiring some fossilized foot prints an evil miner and slave trader shows up named China. (Carlos Imperial) He takes them as hostages tying up Kevin in a pig pen and he rapes Eva. China's evil lesbian sidekick has relations with Belinda because she promises that she can help her escape. However, no more than ten feet away from her cell China shoots her the back multiple times. How will Kevin escape and save Eva from this fat bastard?! You’ll just to spend a day or two in the valley and see for yourself.

"Sorry just mud water to drink, no wheat grass juice."

"This hog's gonna bite my hog!"

"Give us some damn privacy, now!"
 There is a massacre and a valley of the dinosaurs so this is one title that lives up to its name. Just don't expect any actually living Dinos. It’s a jungle adventure only hindered by it’s budget. The director Michele Massimo Tarantini aka Michael E. Lemick was thinking big and keeps the pace moving at full throttle and when it does slow down it’s only because it’s being padded out with naked women.
Can’t recommend enough
10/10 on the CULT-O-METER

 Professor Pedro Ibanezis is dead but his books live on, don't forget to read,
"Dynamics of Evolution"
"Paleozoic Etymology"
"On the Trail of the Last Dinosaurs"

And  watch our Tribute Video! The Professor would have wanted it that way.
Massacre in Jurassic Valley

Follow Theater of Guts @FilmGuts
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#Sopkiw
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