Friday, September 27, 2019

Complaint Department

Back in the early Aughts, aka the good ole days before the public needed a restored version of Cathy's Curse! I mean, god damn! Why? who wanted that besides Kindertrauma? I waxed nostalgic-like about a shitty Italian cheeseball (or cheese cube) flick by Luigi Cozzi called Paganini Horror. You haven't lived until you've seen Skunkape's trailer for the Bon Jovi Horror!

 Not many had seen PH, besides me and Chas Balun and most likely Dario Argento (who put up the money for wine and baguettes). Now that Severin just put out a new blu-ray and bundle together, which has a Churchill looking enamel pin that you can affix to your Severin Fanny pack! I'm just feeling disgusted by the world! Everything is devolving into the home shopping QVC network on all levels. Ever get the feeling you're being exploited? Or maybe you think exploitation is just a negative connotation and these Eurotrash auteurs were really doing it for heritage ala the Rebel flag?
There's a quote in Tommy Boy with Chris Farley, one of our nation's most historic comedies about selling "A Ketchup Popsicle to a women in white gloves." And yes, I will buy a newly restored version of a movie I saw on YT in 2014, because someone cared to put it out!
 http://www.theaterofguts.com/2014/10/paganini-horror.html

TOG was the one and only place talking about good one CHAS. Who's Chas you may wonder? I dunno the person who created a new economy for sweet ass companies like Severin Films, Blue Underground, Etc. Etc.
Now that every unknown film has been restored to less than stellar results (I finally caved and bought a Blu-ray player because DVD's stopped coming out period! Technological progress in my mind keeps rolling forward begrudgingly demolishing all things in its wake. One benefit to me is how, I can now find perfectly top notch versions of the same re-released flick for cheap at Rasputin records. People must adapt or get squashed. I however am just gonna whine about shit periodically, when it gets to be too much.

Friday, June 14, 2019

Deep Red Deluxe





Deep Red Deluxe compiled by Chas Balun (1991).

Just like the famed Skunkape trailer for Contamination that I’m about to paraphrase goes “You’ve seen Son of Deep Red Deluxe and you’ve seen Bride of Deep Red, but have you seen the one that started it all”? This time to procure a rare copy of this tape, I excavated the Atari E.T. landfill, ran over some hipsters with a bulldozer and low and behold this video dupe fell into my lap. Oh, and I also wrassled with one of those scissor wielding Hands Across America soulless doppelgangers. And lastly I bargained with the Asian man from Hellraiser that sells the Lament Configuration and he scored me this mind bender.

As you can tell, I was maimed in the accident, my limbs were torn off! I had some robot arm technology (used in Empire Strikes Back) performed by an android surgeon and he hooked me up with these handy dandy new didjits. So that’s why it took 3 years to write this.

Once you pop in the tape into the metaphorical VCR It emerges from a door of TV static with a blindingly white trailer for John Carpenter’s The Thing. That aforementioned flick has a noggin scratching tagline, I overlooked before that says “Man is the warmest place to hide”. So, we’re just here to be split open pig on a spit roast style and “Turduckened Taun Taun style?”

I'm so offended!

The Dr. Butcher trailer is another highlight, it features a trailer voice champion, like Don Lafontaine and Percy Rodriguez (the voice of the Loc-Nar) and that’s the criminally under mentioned Adolph Caezar. Adolph is most famous as the Dawn and Day of the Dead trailer voice. He’s also an acclaimed actor in his own right who appeared in The Color Purple and A Soldier’s Story. During the Dr. Butcher trailer, they even play that 8-bit style casio music by Walter Sear from the Snuff Maximus cut.

Remember this Intellivision Dr. Butcher Micro-Surgeon edition?

I’m getting all kinds of flashbacks of the 9th grade when I first ordered Deep Red Alert #1 from Fantaco, because this tape is the visual equivalent of that issue! There's even a Jim Van Bebber promo reel ad in that zine (most of that cassette is included on this one, so it's a bargain)!

Prior to Jim Van Bebber’s film Manson Family eventually being released on Blu-ray by Severin, this was thee only way you could see a trailer for Charlies Family. It was also released in illustrated script form by Creation books in the UK. I enjoyed it as a solid parody of the Laurence Merrick Manson documentary (which it lifts whole re-enactments from). Check out the review for the Manson film here.

No room for me in that new Tarantino Manson flick?

Marcello Games who plays Charlie and was in one quick moment in Deadbeat at Dawn and vanished before the film was completed. The same thing apparently happened to the actor in Roadkill : The Last Days of John Martin. Van Bebber went through miles of hell to get the film off the ground and it’s commendable. There's something going on with him lately and noone but the man himself can figure it out and I'm not going to try to either.

This VHS compilation might’ve knocked Mad Ron’s Prevues down a peg, had Chas not dubbed trailers from that aforementioned tape he sold separately into this new mix. How can I tell? The shroud of Happy Goldsplatt is hand spliced in periodically.

My Fuggin Weeny fell off again!

The Martin trailer is a great one and shows the flashback footage from the final cut in color.
Patton Oswalt is constantly complaining about how Criterion should re-release that Romero classic with extra features and I couldn’t agree more.

Criterion will put out Tiny Furniture but not add this one to their roster?

Balun and Van Bebber’s trailer for the unreleased Chunkblower is here once again. If only that one was funded to completion. Claude the gear jammin, meathook swingin CB radio psycho could’ve gone down in history as a cross between Red Sovine and Leatherface, but sadly only the trailer remains. His Krueger-esque quip is “There is no why”!



Three on a Meathook is a trailer and film that sadly never surpasses the great title of that dull splatter flick. We get a segment of pre Miramax copyrighted Jackie Chan and or Chinese action cinematic gun and chop em up battles.
The quality and VHS haze makes me grateful but also sad that most of this is up on YT or Amazon in superior HD format.

Some sadistically demented and just plain nasty water sports and Japanese sex footage set to "Ride of the Valkyries" is here for your viewing pleasure. I like the repeated image of a tied up woman in a cage hurled off a building (it’s out there man)! Make sure you light up for maximum viewing!

I'm confused!

More Mad Ron stolen moments ( Thankfully Chas’ head never erupted in brain matter and skull cavity fragments, like that dude who booted the end of video).
He chose Torso and Deep Red just before some choice clips of Mad Dr of Blood island.
Here we get the unfiltered version of the Skinny Puppy vid for "Warlock" that uses footage from a trillion horror movies. Someone on YT actually remixed the video to update it in HD.
If you don’t know the footage they used like Bad Taste or Henry, turn in your horror nerd card forever. It’s fun to see how many you can name.



There's an exploitive local news 2 part segment about how horror films warp teens minds and Chas is interviewed. Most of the interviews are with real kids just after they went to see Hellraiser 2 in the theater. I'm glad my parents never saw this expose about how kids get desensitized because they're able to rent gore movies without adult consent. I snuck watched most of my favorite horror classics!
They also interview Linnea Quigley and Brian Yuzna. Quigley thinks it's bad for kids to see them at an early age. The most appalling scene is where they get a family health center guy (who probably works for Trump now) to show a clip of Ted Bundy. He basically says that if you watch horror movies you'll turn into a serial killer! A lot of that bullshit propaganda was going on up until the early aughts.

there's that accurate journalism for ya!


R.I.P. videostores 
More gratuitous Argento and Fulci trailers are on here even if they are a welcome sight. I have yet to watch that recent Suspiria remake and I'm dreading it. A trailer for The Nesting is here (they do a great job making the movie look good, but I didn't really like the end result). Shadows Run Black (which is a Troma movie) is on prime in HD and Walking The Edge was super boring. The cast in that aforementioned film has Joe Spinell and Robert Forster but it didn't add up to much sadly. Then there's "What Waits Below" and Night School, which I bought from Warner Archives. that last film I remember seeing in flashes on WDZL. All I recalled about it was there was a waitresses decapitated head in a soup pot and people were eating it. This ghastly, through ally enjoyable trip down memory lane is just one of 3 party tapes I've reviewed in the past. They don't make em like this anymore.



Sunday, May 12, 2019

Losin' It






Losin' It! Directed By Curtis Hanson, starring a bunch of 80's dudes (1983).

 After a long assed hiatus, It’s back to the salt mine or grindstone. Basically, it’s back to bitching about shit online in the guise of a film critic like Gene Shalit, or Joel Siegel who most of the public is aware that they are indeed the same human scumbag. Or was that something I saw on The Dana Carvey Show?

I usually go out of my way to tackle a fun filled week that celebrates a basic cable bleached bimbo and a whiny, squinty eyed guy named Gilbert, but I dropped the ball and didn’t plan ahead. I’m going to attempt to re-animate this blog but it’s been a struggle to want to return to the blank word document. The reason being is that I don’t enjoy it as much as drawing anymore. I needed to clear out some of these cobwebs and get back into the repetition. If you’re jonesing for some teen sex comedy wacky hijinx then look no further than Mike McBeardo’s latest book Teen Movie Hell. https://www.teenmoviehell.com/


I moved out of The South, which is already a big improvement. I used to take a highway in Tenn that had a fucking Nathan Bedford Forrest statue! Someone, I’m happy to say covered it in pink bubblegum colored paint that hasn’t washed off. They even talked about it on a John Oliver episode. I’m back to the Bay Area, where I’m readjusting to old habits and settling in. I'll eventually do some field reporting at the Mission Drafthouse in Frisco (people hate it when you call it that)!

To be honest, after the new Deep Red came out I was pretty hurt that I wasn’t included but I’m not going to rip open old wounds, I’ll just move forward. If you haven’t noticed there’s been a serious lack of the old roster of Deep Red writers reviewing on this site. Most of their work has evolved beyond and hardly anyone is keen on giving away their opinions for free online anymore. But why should they? Blogging is completely irrelevant. I’ve always been a technophobe and spouting gibberish online isn’t gratifying to me anymore.

However, I got to exorcise some of these demonic brain clouds and go forth at least for today.

So, on with the review already!

the Pre-South Park Comedy Central.


My sister and I grew up with Comedy Central (or The Comedy Channel in the beginning) and all during our youth, this movie was repeatedly shown in cut form. In fact, we both remember feeling scuzzy after finally viewing it unedited. That’s only because we’d seen the “PG during the day” edit. This one gets better with age and YES, in today’s uber PC millennial universe it’s fucking racist. But fuck that shit, don’t go in with that mentality because it’s set in the 50s and was filmed in the 80s like all great combos those 2 decades through ally compliment each other, just like a Stray Cats tune. I was flabbergasted when I discovered that Curtin Hanson director of The Arousers (which remains one of our most viewed reviews) with Tab Hunter, also helmed this raunchy sex comedy. In fact I discovered that Curtis Hanson was involved in many of my favorite flicks. He started off clumsy with The Dunwich Horror (I'm sorry but that movie is sloppy at best). It worked to his advantage though in getting acquainted with Roger Corman. He wrote White Dog, Silent Partner (which has the only death scene caused by a fish tank) and Never Cry Wolf, a Disney movie against corporate greed! More people should be aware of this talented fellow.


I'm trying to illustrate an invisible mustache!


Dave (Jackie Earl Haley’s finest role) is a horny creep and his little brother Wimp (or Wendell), is a preteen conman selling homework to students out of his locker. The only reason the kid tags along is to buy illegal fireworks. John P. Navin, who has this Billy Jacoby/ Alfred E. Neuman quality left Hollywood for good in the early 90’s sadly. And Jackie Earl Haley went onto to recent roles like Rorschach in The Watchmen and The Terror on The Tick.


last known photo.


The oldies songs on the soundtrack are pretty good and most likely the first time I was exposed to them. The two worst actors in the movie are the most famous -Tom Cruise (who didn’t become a scientologist till the late 90s) and Shelly Long. Along for the ride is John Stockwell from Christine and My Science Project, he mentions that he wants to go just to check out the donkey show!  Later on he gets into a horrifying prison situation.

Dave is on the prowl for Spanish Fly, which is of course doesn’t exist, but it’s awesome watching him almost get his head blown off with a shotgun after he pisses off the pharmacist!
Henry Darrow who plays the corrupt sheriff is menacing and effective. He mainly worked in TV, but would’ve made a good character actor.

James Victor who is barely noticeable as the divorce lawyer was in many action flicks like Rolling Thunder, one of my all time favs.

The way they depict Tijuana is pretty exaggerated and later on reminded me of Hardcore with George C. Scott. That flick had a similar skeeviness in the way they have the attractive girls in the bar to hook you in off the street and once you get behind the curtain the gnarly, decrepit whores are what you end up with. I like how one hooker asks “Did you remember to bring your dick”?

just having an average weekend.

The burlesque sunglasses wearing piano player sings sleazy songs and that bar, besides the strong arming customers into sleeping with ugly women upstairs, the nightclub looks pretty fun. 


Honk if you're horny.


Santos Morales plays the Tonga Lei doorman. I love how he keeps screaming “You have my word as a gentleman!” and when Shelly Long asks where to get a quiet drink, he calms down his demeanor but basically says the same spiel only softer. Morales was in Hamburger The Movie and Scarface!
I’ve never been to Mexico but don’t let this movie form your opinion about what it’s like there. It gets pretty hostile toward the last 20 mins for the boys but they manage to make it out pretty well. This film is much better than I remembered it, Highly Recommended.

Scientology is not a con, you have my word as a gentlemen!





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