Monday, May 7, 2018

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell!

"A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell"(1990)
Director: Brett Piper 
Writer: Brett Piper
Stars: Paul Guzzi, Linda Corwin, Alex Pirnie
Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin

So far, "A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell!" plays like a fully-clothed porno, meaning, what the hell's the point? I think they may have been way too inspired by the music video, "Walk The Dinosaur" by Was(Not Was). Or Was it? 
and maybe decided to make a full length movie based on the video game for "Primal Rage".
It's Troma, so there's zero respect for sanity of their audience. Their movies are 9 times out of 10 an hour and a half too long. haha. I can't hate Troma too much because yes, they're mostly terrible movies, but they're still important. I guess it's reputable under the guise that anyone (and they mean anyone) can be a filmmaker and that's something to behold for sure. No idea too dumb, no plot too thin, no special effects too not-so-special. The Ray Harryhausen style animated monsters (by Brett Piper and Alex Pirnie) sprinkled throughout here in "Nymphoid" were so adorable! haha. 

Gawd this movie is terrible. I'm going to make a rule for myself never to choose the movie based on extremely long, deceptively interesting title. Reminds of the other movie related rule of thumb of the past; never to rent "big box" horror movies at your local video store. I'm not sure if that was always 100% true, but it's still entertaining to think about. For example, my first thought when it comes to big video boxes is a copy of "2000 Maniacs" which I guess in comparison is actually a "good movie" haha. 

The whole movie's explained in the first 2 minutes but I actually forgot about it by the time I got to the ending. I'm not the only one, the film abandoned the storyline too. Basically, a barbarian girl (Linda Corwin) is one of the last women on earth after a major nuclear war that ended civilization and the remaining animals morphed in those awesome animated monsters I mentioned before. If there was an edit of this movie with nothing but those monsters, that would've been way better! The title is pretty deceiving in that there is yes, a couple of icky attempted rapes (not initiated by our female lead, but the gnarly cavemen wandering about), but nothing that would define a nymphomaniac of any kind. 

The music score kept reminding me of "O Holy Night" so I had this bizarre caveman adventure Christmas theme going on in my head for a bit. hahaha.  Hey, at least this movie's mostly set at the beach (somewhere in New Hampshire apparently), so we can enjoy the scenery. A great way to sum this movie up is the first comment on YouTube where Troma has graciously uploaded this video for all to see. Commenter Douglas Berry says: "I sometimes ask myself, why am I watching this? Is my life so empty I'll watch any moving picture? I guess so......"

I rate this movie 3 creatures 🐲🐲🐲  for the FX
1 pile of poo 💩 for the rest of it

USA UP ALL NIGHT airings of "A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell!"
Season 3 | Episode 5 (18 January 1991) A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell/Young Nurses in Love
Season 3 | Episode 69 (31 August 1991) Joysticks/A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell 


WATCH HERE (Thanks TROMA!) 
BUY HERE!
There's actually commentary on the DVD by Director/Writer/Creature FX Brett Piper. Would love to hear that! 

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Night Patrol



Night Patrol (the Unknown Comic movie) Directed By Jackie Kong, Starring Linda Blair. (1984).

You know Murray Langston, the famous unknown comic with the paper bag over his head, this is his big movie. Throw in Linda Blair (who gets topless) and retches when she hears curse words, wacky dubbing, the director of Blood Diner, man this flick has got it all. It's especially funny if you hit up your local dispensary or your favorite beverage / valium combo. Murray plays Melvin White, a mustachioed cop out on the beat, it's all very Naked Gun, Police Academy-ish only a lot more silly and retarded. I guess you could say they were aiming at hitching their rinky dink wagon to the Copsploitation trend but that never really took off. Plus no one really gave a fuck about the Unknown comic besides really geeky people I might be scared of.

Burt Reynolds style centerfold


Billy Barty is the police chief, if only he ended up in an Amir Shervan vehicle as yet another angry grizzled boss yelling at the Samurai Cop or Hollywood Cop. Barty was great in Being Different a mondo freakshow that just showed up on Amazon Prime, check it out before it's gone.

"Ready for that mustache ride!"
Andrew Dice Clay shows up too as a Travolta clone, this was years before he became the misogynistic comedian that we all know.

John Revolta 
Pat Morita gets raped and talks like a girl, I can't make this shit up folks! It's somewhere treading on a sea of stupidity and mediocrity and some bad poetry. I loved it maybe more than King Fart! Many of the actors here went onto do voices for The Rugrats for some odd reason like Pat Paulsen, who plays the officer tagging along with Murray, he also was on The Smothers Brothers as The Jolly Green Giant. Skunkape as a little primate saw this on cable and his parents made him close his eyes during the steamy parts.
Guy with bag on head gets kicked in the nuts.
The scene that inspired a young ape.

Another Unknown Comic now takes the 5th grade talent show by storm!
One of the screenwriters Bill Osco is responsible for one of the most traumatizing flicks I remember Skunkape torturing me with in TV Production school Gross Out. That fuggin monkey even had a home made T-shirt based off the VHS artwork, which I remember seeing at Video Waves, a porn and cult movie store I used to frequent. Osco's biggest claim to fame is handling the production on Flesh Gordon (1974), which is incredible that basically a soft porn parody of a kitschy, camp masterpiece was even noticed by anyone but that was the 70's, everyone was wacked out on something!

"Is that a Twinkie in your lunch bag or you just happy to see me?"

"I like cops, comics, and polish vampires."

live action Dr. Katz

"This is my audition for the role of Bilbo "Bag"gins. HA!

Sunday, May 6, 2018

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Eat And Run

"Eat And Run"(1986)
Director: Christopher Hart 
Writer: Stan Hart, Christopher Hart
Stars: Ron Silver, Sharon Sharth, Pat Ryan
Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin

"Eat And Run" seems like a somewhat larger budgeted movie from the looks of it, with that glossy New World Pictures logo coming on the screen. At least it seems fancier to me. This movie's pretty gross but it's actually adorably funny in a likable cornball way. It's one of the many New York set films of the 1980s that emphasizes it's Italian community, although it's probably the only one that focuses on the appetizing nature of its people as food versus the food that they create. haha. They generically reference Carvel ice cream cakes which is painfully 80s NY, but surprisingly not Friendly's (even though, they hail from Massachusetts) which seems to be a suburban NY staple. Hell, they even referenced Friendly's in "The Sopranos" haha.

The eating (although, not much running actually) is done by shirt button spitting character actor, Pat Ryan (or sometimes R.L. Ryan). You might recognize him as the sleazy junkyard owner from "Street Trash" which he did around the same time as "Eat..".  Here, he's a humanoid space alien named Murray the Creature that crash landed in New York. A nice Italian man picks him up thinking he's a hitchhiker and inadvertently talks Murray into eating him. This sets a series of murders that goofball detective, Mickey McSorely (Ron Silver) goes on a self-narrating journey to solve.
"I Ordered Fudgey The Fish But They Send Me Fuckin' Cookie Face!" 

I went into this "USA Up All Night" choice of movie thinking it was a horror film, but it's more of a comedy than anything. All the "gore" is done off screen. There are a ton of gags in this, which can sometimes read as trying too hard. Sometimes they kinda bash you over the head with the schtick but it was still charming in a vaudeville kinda way. It was the last movie written by Stan Hart who was head writer of "The Carol Burnett Show" and also had written for Mad Magazine.

I could've done without the icky comedic fully-clothed sex scenes with poofy haired Judge Cheryl (Sharon Schlarth) and McSorely, haha. Some of the dialogue exchanges though were pretty funny like,
Cheryl: "Oh by way, I forgot to ask if you had Herpes?" 
McSorely: "Oh god no, that's one thing I don't have" 
Cheryl: "It's not so bad, it stings from time to time, but it doesn't interfere with my social life" 

Murray eats tunnel-digging Agamemnon from "OZ" 

I think my favorite gag was when the Zeppoles vendor fried his ring, his watch and his ID bracelet.  The least would have to be the weird sex scene with McSorely (he kinda resembles an off-brand Andy Garcia) and Judge Cheryl but she's sound asleep. Yuck. 

This movie is not quite at "Eating Raoul" caliber as far as comedies involving eating people goes,  but it's worth a look. These movies were surprisingly never paired up on "USA Up All Night". 

"Eat And Run" apparently aired 4 times (!!) on "USA Up All Night":

April 8th 1989 Satan's Cheerleaders/Eat and Run 
September 1 1989 Eat and Run/The Kentucky Fried Movie 
November 24 1989 Swim Team/Eat and Run 
November 25 1989 Eat and Run/The Van 

I give this one 2 and half pizzas 🍕🍕
You can watch "Eat And Run" HERE
Find the it for sale HERE



Saturday, May 5, 2018

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Day Of The Dead



Day Of The Dead Directed by George Romero, Starring Howard Sherman (1985).

This is a review that might alienate all of my friends, readers and family members, accept Skunkape who I know shares the same opinion on this film. It’s highly controversial and feels like I’m stepping into a trap of my own design but here we go anyway. Right off the bat, I consider Day of the Dead a classic 2 stars film, it could've been better but it's not the worst of all time. There I got that off my chest!


"High Five, High Five, High Five, High Five High Five"

I even taped this episode during it's run on UP ALL NIGHT where Gilbert Gottfried shit all over the characters and tense situations, defusing whatever ardency Romero aimed for. At first I felt like I was witnessing a crime and going against all that I knew was intriguing about a zombie film. Let’s face it though none of these characters are like able on the military side or the hero side. Sarah (Lori Cardille) is very butch and wooden. Her boyfriend Miguel (Anthony Dileo Jr. ) is a whiny bitch, who looks like a gay Cat Stevens. As a "straight" couple there is zero chemistry, that in lies the first series of hiccups that I've always had with this movie, it's very difficult to identify or emphasize for the characters. The stereotypes are rampant throughout, like the flask slugging Irish Star Trek Bones—ish McDermott (Jarlath Conroy) to the exaggerated Jamaican guy (Terry Alexander).

"I should have been a sailor!
Miguel Salazar's Day Off

"I told you not to touch my pole!"

Savini however makes it all tolerable and wonderful, the effects are brilliant, creative and mind blowing. But everything from the watered down script to the incessant bickering is shocking especially from the politically savy Romero.

Where do I start with Rhodes, one of the worst authoritarian dickwads who rules a team of drooling morons, exuding testosterones. Dr. Frankenstein I’ll deal with because he’s attached to Bub (Howard Sherman) one of the best zombies of all time. Bub was even on an episode of Seinfeld, you may remember him as the guy who got Junior Mints stuck in his organs from Kramer spilling it everywhere.
"We are the 3 Amigos!"
I always remember Bub's instructions on how to pull out the posters in the Fangoria Poster mag, telling us not to let the staples tear out our finger nails for risk that they might temp you to chew your own digits off for their taste value. The usually captivating John Amplas is all neutered and shriveled up by the macho military dumb asses talking over everyone.


"Sorry, I have nothing to donate to Big Brothers, Big Sisters this year."


I love this song by the Cranberries!

Another highlight is when Lori hacks off Miguel’s arm and cauterizes it so he won't be infected by the zombie plague was very creative. There are truly clever and innovative moments within the film, but it all adds up to a very unsatisfying  affair. I hate to say it, but for the sake of Gottfried ripping on it and my own anxieties about being a closet hater of Day I gotta come clean and express these views.

"I need a new chiropractor!"

"You said it Erok, now I gots something to say!!!"
If you made it this far then let me tell ya that you should think of this review as a "Roast". We're celebrating something we love but pointing out every short coming and making fun of every flaw.
This post would certainly be incomplete without mentioning the awkward performance of Ralph Marrero who played Rickles. It's the kind of performance that almost makes you feel embarrassed for the little guy. The foul mouthed character of Steel (Gary Howard Klar) is played nearly to perfection as a menacing goon and Rhodes's right hand man. However, when Steel and Rickles share screen time it's like watching a head strong Uruk-hai next to a drooling incompetent Orc.

Steel and Rickles
"Night of the Living Bread is so Funny!"

Rhodes unfriended me on Facebook. :( 

As much as I hated all the military bozos I 'm actually starting to side with them! Was Dr. Frankenstein really going to pass around the walkman and teach every zombie how to salute? His research was stupid he should have been working on a giant weed wacker or some kind of zombie melting gas!
"Did you call an Uber?"

Track 1-The Dead Walk
Great for doing aerobics!!!

Another thing I have to mention is the musical aspect. John Harrison's score certainly gets the job done but is that what you want? Just to get the job done! After collaborating with Goblin and having them compose that iconic heart pumping score for Dawn, it just seems like Day really could have had more music and better music at that. I do have some of the tracks in a few of my horror playlists but just go listen to "The World Inside your Eyes" right now by Sputzy Sparacino and then just try to argue with me ;) That song is super schmaltzy and there's zero irony to be found, it's almost as bad as the Dr. Felix portion of the Deep Red Simonetti Horror Project remix.

This kid said that he loved the Day of the Dead remake, so we killed him.

Speaking poorly of Romero or Day of the Dead should not be allowed EVER, but maybe now we'll get you to leave a comment! Go for it! Tell us what you think!

"Please don't post this review!"




Friday, May 4, 2018

USA UP ALL NIGHT: Beach Balls

-Reviewed by Skunkape-



Directed by Joe Ritter 1988

                                                                                   Rhonda's Introduction
                                                                                                                               
Another Comedy with boobs!!! But wait, this movie is not funny and boobs are almost nowhere to be found. Even though this another perfect movie for the USA-U.A.N. lineup a cut version of this film makes it even worse! Luckily there's Rhonda and all the 976 numbers during the breaks to keep you stimulated.

So why bother, Well, being a hardcore Land of the Lost fanatic and knowing that actor Philip Paley, Chaka himself is the lead role really sold me. I thought it would be cool to see Paley shed his fur for a little fun in the sun and play a horny teen looking for some love.
"Chaka want to get lost in your land!","Chaka horny and corny"

"Chaka, you shaved!, Talk about manscaping."
Charlie Harrison (Paley's character) also wants to be a rock n' roll GOD so we do get treated to some heavy metal tunes. Don't get excited though, there's no awesomeness like some other 80's metal films such as Trick or Treat and Shock em' Dead. The band featured is the D.R. Starr band and they only rock slightly.
"D.R. does not stand for Dumb Roadie!"

Behold THE SOUNDTRACK to Beach Balls
They're about to rock, but I don't salute them.
Charlie's best bud is Scully, he's played by Steven Tash, Tash is the guy that Bill Murray shocks right in the beginning of Ghostbusters. The Budget of Beach Balls is so cheap that Tash was probably paid the same 5 bucks that he walked out on after Murray had given him too many electrical shocks. Paley and Tash could have been awesome pair but nope!

Let's join that Surf Nazi Gang!

What's shocking is how bad Beach Balls is!

Roger Corman's New Horizons production company really really went cheap on this. Everyone's house is gross looking and even the beach looks cruddy. Director Joe Ritter, a competent Steadicam operator should have stayed behind the camera because this movie is trying so hard to be crude and sweet but failing miserably! His body of work is impressive though.

They Might NOT Be Giants

There is one other actor that may make this worth a viewing. Gary Schneider who plays a thug named Mollusk. (The Mollusk-my favorite Ween Album).
Schneider was the incomparable character of Bozo in the mother of all cult films, The Toxic Avenger. Bozo was the role he was born to play because he's not given much to say making his character in Beach Balls a waste. Just don't talk about his mom though, he doesn't like that.

Mollusk's breath smells like microwaved seafood!

Bozo is stressed, I mean Mollusk.

Charlie meets Wendy, the girl of his dreams but the problem is that she only dates musicians. She wants Keith, the front man from the band Severed Heads in a Bag! ( D.R. Starr Band ) If that band had seven members and it was a duffel bag maybe Joe Pesci would be in the movie! - cricket chirp-
Wendy gets her chance with Keith, then feels like he only wants her for sex, which he does and Charlie swoops in. We also meet Charlie's parents who are religious fanatics, they oppress his love for the guitar by associating it with Satan. His sister is dating a jockish lifeguard and he is quite the bully. Why? Well he's also the brother of the girl Charlie has the hots for and later we find out that he's in the closet, so expect lots of gay jokes, 80's style.
Miller from Repo Man was right about John Wayne!
All of these factors culminate in the finally at Charlie's house during a wild party. A party his parents told him not to have while they're out of town. Even some people from the record business are there! So can Charlie get the girl and a record contract in the same night? Find out in Beach Balls!!!

They might have a chance to get signed by Alternative Tentacle Records.

4/10 Bananas

This episode aired August 30th 1991
The movie that followed was Combat Academy
Maybe it's worth a watch for a few chuckles and that 80's nostalgia that the kids these days just love.
Should've have more T & A, so expect your beach balls to be blue after watching this.


More Clips and Highlights from Rhonda during Beach Balls








Thursday, May 3, 2018

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Fatal Exposure

 
"Fatal Exposure" aka "Mangled Alive" (1989)
Director: Peter B. Good
Writer: Christopher Painter
Stars: Blake Bahner, Ena Henderson, Dan Schmale
Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin

I’ve probably seen “Fatal Exposure” in a video store at some point. I mean, just look at the video cover. Trashy, kinda scary with the big skull in the background. Maybe like a cross between an 80s slasher and a Shannon Tweed flick? In 1994 (S6:EP92) it was broadcast on USA’s Up All Night (paired with “The Sex Puppets”). I’m kind of astounded with the amount of sex and pretty shocking gore scenes that this was watchable in an edited for TV format. Editing techniques weren’t nearly as fancy back then as they are nowadays. (For example, check out the digitally painted on bras in the edited for TV version of “ShowGirls”). Sure, the sex is mostly just nips and super high on the thigh underwear (damn you 1989 fashion!) still on, but you get the point.

We follow the mullet-haired Jack T. Rippington (hahaha), grandson of serial killer Jack The Ripper (played by kickboxer/soap opera actor, Blake Bahner). He believes that the blood of his photoshoot model victims is basically Viagra which he stores in a lunchbox Thermos. He laughably explains what he's doing to the camera as sort of an on-screen narrator. This is done somewhat tongue-in-cheek though because when he first meets his Sherilyn Fenn-type "dreamgirl" Erica (Ena Henderson) she says, "do you always talk to yourself?".

This movie is weird because it should be seen as terrible, unlikable, badly made, etc, but it's really not. I don't know, I liked the characters and felt that they weren't trying too hard. Make no mistake, this movie is pretty terrible, but that doesn't mean it isn't super fun. It would awesome to watch super drunk with some friends and lots of snacks. Like I mentioned before, I was pretty surprised at how viciously gory the death scenes are in this, and there's a lot of them. Heads chopped off, hydrochloric acid ingested resulting in melting flesh.

Whew! We can thank Scott Coulter (who also did "Class Of Nuke Em High" among a ton of credits and still works in effects today) for the kool gore effects.

The tone of "Fatal..." reminded me soo much of "Soultaker" (1990) which was savagely (by that I mean hilariously) made fun of by Mystery Science Theater 3000. I was also reminded of the fantastic, "Panic Beats" with it's extreme gore, house-in-the-middle-of-nowhere and soap opera-y feel. Lots of fun!

You can check out "Fatal Exposure" over HERE


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