Monday, August 29, 2016


Reviewed by Michael Hauss
Directed by: Wally Koz. Starring Mara Lynn Bastian, Charles Fuller, Greg (Don't call me Jack) Kerouac and Greg (Don't call me Craig T.) Nelson

Video box tagline: Shot in Blood-Vivid Video for your Viewing Pleasure (or Blood covered Shitty-o .Ed)

I love the 80’s! I bought my first VCR in I believe 1983, with my wages I made working at a shithole retail department store called Richway’s in Fort Lauderdale, Florida and as fucked as my memory is today, I even remember the first video tape I rented was TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. But that’s not why we are here brothers and sisters, we are here today to spread the gutter love of a rotten little film called 555 (1988).


The movie is about a dude who goes around killing people dressed as a damn hippie and the police who are trying to figure out the identity of the killer and stop him. In their investigation the police uncover that a series of crimes happen every five years in May, the fifth month for five consecutive days (Thus the title). I have only seen this film for the first time for reviewing purposes here recently, and was mildly surprised that the flick was not as down right terrible as I had always heard it was, bad yes, horrible yes, unwatchable no. Now the reason I had never viewed this film until recently was that it was one of those number of shot-on-video films that were so abundant in the late 1980’s and honestly I loathed these film for many years. And this film on any media format was hard to find. My standards have been lowering and lowering for years now and as my nuts dry up and turn to dust, my need for porn has turned to a need for low rent 1980’s horror films, where my mummified mind can find dumification and drift in and out of these shit on video tapes.

just thinking of those dusty mummy nuts is making me hot! 

The video is really an awkward, totally amateur effort that boasts two of the ugliest lead characters  ever, in Sargent Connor (who looks like a unibrowed meth addicted Mel Gibson) and the girl reporter Susan Rather (think an uglier version of that singer Susan Boyle, if that's possible), who is the type of gal who would do anything for a story, so she’s boning the District Attorney Kennedy and after finding out that he is only using her she turns her homely horny ass towards the old wrinkly nut-sacked Colonel Wayne and screws him for his exclusive story, it was Wayne who discovered the first set of victims, a man and a woman who were decapitated and mutilated. The colonel had told the police that he heard a scream and went to investigate and after finding the dead bodies had seen one of the most horrifying things this hardened military man had ever witnessed, he saw a man the likes of he hadn't seen in twenty-five years or so, this dude was a 60’s fucking hippie, a god damn son-of-a bitch hippie with long hair, beard, flowered shirt, bell-bottom jeans and to top it all he was wearing beads! 

Sergeant Connor, Detective Haller, and District attorney Kennedy were all in the office when Wayne made his startling revelation that it was a dirty fucking hippie, the D.A. tells the colonel that “no one dresses like that anymore,” no one believes the colonel’s story because no hippies were around by the eighties, they had all died off like the dinosaurs when the Beatles had broken up. Well, soon after more shagging people are killed and the dead women are sexually penetrated by the killer. 

Sergeant Connor who plays the deranged meth addicted Mel Gibson, is ready to go bad cop, even rogue cop at any minute, like the real Mel did in Lethal Weapon and its twenty-two sequels and during his last relationship. The Sergeant has a hard on for Colonel Wayne and thinks that he is the murderer, but after bringing him in, can’t hold him because of a lack of evidence. Is Wayne guilty or is it someone else, possibly the loose nut Conner or any of the other ensemble cast? I won’t tell, so that means you have to suffer through this crap.

Spoiler Alert, I die

The reporter Susan Rather is played by Mara Lynn Bastian and has a bit of a breast exposing scene when she’s seducing the Colonel. When she and the old geriatric fuck, Colonel Wayne are swapping spit my queasy stomach started flip flopping, that scene I can say was honestly the most repulsive and terrifying part of the whole movie! The film was very slow, pace wise, and had long static dialogue sequences plus the kills and gore while decent enough, were done at such a slow constructed pace that it’s like someone had taken some ludes and filmed the scenes. Man, (maybe it was the Hippie?) and it didn’t help that in one scene a woman who is being slashed up breaks into a quick chuckle. Compared to many other SOV films from the era, this one is watchable and has enough gore to fit firmly into the Chas Balun Deep Red catalog. (they even sold copies, check out the ad at the bottom).


As far as I can ascertain none of the cast or crew ever were involved in the making of another motion picture (figure that, will ya?). The film clocks in at a mind ripping 80 minutes and has set pieces with virtually no action and continuous badly lit day and night scenes. I found this film while looking about the wonderful selection from Vinegar Syndrome on their Exploitation TV app. The original video release of this film commands huge money on Ebay, a King Video/Slaughterhouse video release vhs sells for around the $300 mark, probably about as much as this thing cost to make.
So while blaming all the murders on a hippie was a stoke of genius, and the dude with the unibrow and the looks of a meth addicted Mel Gibson was a classic bit of casting, the film ultimately just takes too long to get from scene to scene and especially from beginning to end.


 photo Screen Shot 2016-08-25 at 11.56.00 PM.png
Deep Red ad, CHEAP!

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Deathwish Club (Aka Gretta)

Deathwish Club (Aka Gretta, Carnival of Fools, The Darkside to Love), Starring Meridith Haze, Directed by John Carr. (1983). VHS cover taken from bruceholecheck's site 

So here we go again, in a painstaking effort to review everything associated with the cheesy sleazy jigsaw puzzle that is Night Train To Terror, TOG brings you Death Wish Club aka Gretta! Until Scream Your Head Off surfaces, this will be the last nail in hodgepodge coffin of new wave tards and Bull from Night Court zaniness. This is available as a DVD extra on the Vinegar Syndrome disc and on Fandor.

I've become a Fandor junkie (or a devout Fandorian), ever since Skunkape got in that accident where the porn mob broke his haunches for downloading an unreleased  copy of Frankenpenis 2: The Search For More Lube! Poor ape, everybody send him a Halmark card! Sidenote about Fandor, make sure you visit my pal countfink's page for brilliant and hilarious short reviews of movies you need to check out. Link here.

All I remember from the snippets re-edited into the other movie were the adorable babe who plays Gretta, she looks like Caroline Munro's sexy teenage sister. Also a Lionel Richie looking dude who turns into a puppet and a lesbian who resembled Dave Foley (who may or may not be the protagonist), read on for more info.

This film offers a lot of scummy carnival locations, a hokey voice over, lots of sex clubs and adult book stores.  Glen (Rick Barnes) becomes obsessed with the title character played by Meridith Haze after seeing her in a stag film and quickly tracks her down. The horny way Gretta behaves, with her really crass, lewd and obnoxious mouth seems tailor made for an 80's Dark Bros porn. This movie has no hardcore penetration, just occasional gratuitous beaver shots. 

buy one jar of Elbow Grease get 40 free!

The gay stereotypes that surface are pretty offensive and belong in a Troma flick. The narrator guy starts off by saying psychical love bores me and acts like Little Richard in that he wants to see people have sex while he watches like some kind of cuckold. By the way the VHS cover looks like a fake Robin Williams is aping James Bond or an unreleased Atari game staring Bill Maher as a secret Leisure Suit Larry agent.

I'm trying to recreate that banana porn that's haunted crank all these years

George buys off Gretta at a carnival shoving dollars down her shirt, she seems like a hot-tard and at one point squeaks "I'm a fish" while naked in the tub. She also likes to play the piano in a club without pants, she's pretty goddamn adorable actually. The whole plot line apparently is based on a story by Erskine Caldwell but from what I've dug up, it hardly resembles the source material.

The female title character uses Glen, who's sickly infatuated with her even though she's still loyal to George the narrator. They all hang out at a rundown psychic friends network or "The Death Wish Club". You'd think Charles Bronson would at least take a break from killing punks with poison canolli's or Wildey handguns to make a special guest appearance!

Sowy Chawliey only grade A tuna!

One black dude played by Mark E. Ridley is all decked out in a Prince Purple Rain style get up. I feel like Michael Steele, the chairman of the RNC dressed this way in the 80's. I was really pissed off when this character didn't transform into a puppet as he gets electrocuted like in the re-edited version! When you compare both films however, they just fade out before the latex gore animatronic corpse with chattering teeth, which disintegrates into a headless puddle shows up. They also left the claymation fly out of another scene. I'm confused by why the fuck they even left those great parts out?

Glen I guess is a mortician, they establish that halfway through the movie and just think this one wasn't attacked with scissors and re-edited like Night Train! Everything abruptly shifts gears during the second act. The main bitchy protagonist it turns out is the lesbian Dave Foley! Her knew alter ego is Charlie White wearing a bowl haircut wig, she has the same goth look as man servant Hecubus from that Satanic Horror show with Simon Milligan from The Kids in the Hall.


The dialogue in the second half tries to be all film noir (gimme a steak and a bourbon!) and for some reason the male alter ego of Gretta doesn't remember that she's a female. Glen's fucked up plan is to rape her and hopefully she'll recall that she's not a man! I mean that's mind bogglingly offensive but yes it does happen! He even attacks a blonde in bed without realizing it's not his object of lust and of course she's totally fine with it. Stupid Glen goes to all kinds of ridiculous lengths to trigger her memory. What I don't get is why he even wants to turn her back, she was the worst! I guess you could chalk it up to the fact that it was based on a hardboiled pulp novel, I dunno.


Practically everyone that worked on this film were never seen or heard from again, check milk cartons readers and let us know if you find them. I know this is in bad taste but what the fuck do I know about "good" taste, I think Haze should've gone into porn and at least given 80's adult audiences their hardcore fantasy of seeing Caroline Munro get all kinky, she could've had a nice career, oh well! If you're a total NTTT completist go for it, all others play Pokemon Go and fall off the nearest shark infested pier.


Monday, August 8, 2016

She Freak

She Freak Directed By Byron Mabe, Starring Clair Brennen (1967).

Scary freaky deaky shit is going down at the carnival if the psychedelic surfy tune that ramps up during the credits is any indication. For some reason this SWV human oddity flick drenched in velveeta has eluded me all these years, but thanks to Fandor it's time to finally check it out. I mean the if the wardrobe is by "Sassy Pants", you know you're in for an eye popping good time!

Hillbilly folks gawk at the various medical deformities (this is all before the Internet and Fox News so these people have to get their fix this crude way). Friedman is all over the place as writer, producer and carnival barker. The premise is sort of an updating of the famed Todd Browning masterpiece but wait there's more gristle to chew on, don't discount it yet. 

Jade Cochran (Brennen), the star of this flick looks like a rundown bargain basement version of The Velvet Underground's Nico. She's super conceited for a waitress working at a greasy spoon in the middle of nowhere, but she's got big ass dreams and plans to claw her way out of this low rent Waffle House hook or by crook. I love how she talks directly to the camera with her piggy nose and sunken in eyeballs, she's strangely attractive. In fact everybody turns to the camera and delivers their lines in a furious fashion like an off off broadway play with zero budget--it's great!

Duh I'll be your mirror you clonn (pronounced clown).

Her boss is threatened by her smart mouth, but of course he has to put up with it, since no one else will work there. One day a grill cheese eatin' bigwig down at the circus tent gets her all riled up to finally escape and she does--good for her I say! 

According to IMDb, Felix Silla aka Twiki, Cousin Itt and the clown that whips the naked babes in "Catholic High School Girls In Trouble" had a secret relationship with Clair Brennen, who knows if it's true but it's pretty fascinating! 

Kentucky Fried genius

Jade's career path ends up in the toilet, because wouldn't you know it, she's still a waitress only at a carnival instead! She's still got major tude and sticks her upturned piggy nose at a new breed of hicks. All the dudes in this movie have greasy pompadours and all the ladies look like hard faced strippers in between jobs, it's pretty glorious. The message is slightly offensive, that a lowlife waitress with too much liberation needs to be put down for her loose tongue and lofty aspirations, but don't think too deeply because after all this is pure exploitation. 

All the girls wanna know, who's the cutest boy on death row

A two headed baby almost causes her spew funnel cake chunks all over the midway. Next she hooks up with a giant tittyed stripper who boasts that she's smoked everything, whatever that means. She takes a bath with more soap suds than I've ever seen (covering up every stitch of skin). 
Jade is the biggest social climber I've ever seen and is never content with her status. 
On Reel Wild Cinema, a USA clip show with Sandra Bernhard, which showed butchered versions of SWV's in the 90's I saw a few clips of this movie but wasn't sure if I should spring for the 25$ clamshell and order up a copy through the mail, obviously I missed out.

can you put some pork rinds and snout on my chili dog or is that excessive?

Felix Silla hardly talks, but he hides in corners listening intently with his giant cowboy hat and tailored suit, he looks totally hip. Jade goes to an apartment where they have what looks like a milk carton with a Pepsi logo on it, no one drinks from it, very suspicious if you ask me. 

There are a lot of montages with sleazy stripper type stock music (this I guess is this movie's car chase scene to eat up film stock). Jade hooks up with a dude named "Blackie" and they mutually slap each other as foreplay (maybe)? After a snooze inducing montage, she gets married to some schlub, how did we get here anyway? Jade keeps cheating on her new man with Blackie, who I guess she finds irresistible and she off handedly smirks at the audience when he ends up stabbed to death. I won't ruin the ending, it's a quawking good time! I loved every second of this film, punch out your own mother to procure a copy from the consistently reliable Something Weird Video (or just dial it up on Fandor). 


HAHA You want it when Blackie?

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Panic Beats

Panic Beats (Latidos de panico,Frantic Heartbeat, Nightmare House), starring and directed by Paul Naschy (1983).

Be forewarned, there are zero werewolves in this movie, so very sensitive readers with a lychanthro-fetish may leave the auditorium at this time!

Are they gone, OK on with the review. I'm as shocked as you are that I seriously dug this film by the Spanish Wolfman! My sister (Machine Gun Kristin) mentioned that it was on YouTube and it's bat shit crazy, so even though I'm not the biggest fan of the Nasch-man I was down! What's up with that title though, all these things came to mind: Panic Beats by Dre? Panic at the disco, the beat kids segment from Wonder Showzen? How bout you just put it on and don't let the title scare you away, let it absorb you like a pad of butter and syrup soaking into a stack of pancakes! 

Paul this time plays himself I guess ( his character has the same name at least). A ghastly knight stabs the shit out of a wailing blood strewn naked woman in the forest, poor lady. Then many subtitles are hurled your way, you don't have to get all the finite details or nooks and crannies to enjoy this wacky flick, so relax. Alaric (who's also the ghost knight we saw wreak havoc at the beginning is back from the grave and ready to party)! His scary portrait hangs in the house and he looks exactly like Naschy's character, coincidence? The same medieval jerk also appeared in Horror Rises from the Tomb, a previous film by the same director.

Julie, a Latina Diane Franklin looking babe played by Frances Ondiviela hears the frightening tale of the cryptic knight and scoffs at her creepy aunt. Some of this plays out like a telenovela only with Naschy getting half naked. I don't mean to pick on these people but they all seem to have gingivitis--remember to floss everyone out there. 

I just bit off Ricky Smith's tentacles

Julie slowly walks around in the dead of night wearing a see-thru nighty. She has a nightmare about severed heads and her ghostly aunt shows up with a hole in her neck and a blueish face, it's a freaky scene. 

Alaric the haunted knight is obviously stalking the house lurking around in the background, searching for fresh victims. Next, two zombie guys abruptly show up, they both have one white eye, maybe they both had glass eyes like Sandy Duncan and the mortician didn't notice? 
It gets even worse for Paul's wife played by Julia Saly, as the knight shows up again with a grinning skeleton face looking exactly like a Scooby Doo villain, he scares the pants off her and causes a heart attack all the part of his diabolical plan. What plan you're wondering, well I'm not giving it away because I've signed an iron clad contract to not spill the beans anymore you'll just have to see it for yourself. 

Zoinks, how bout a mouth watering dagwood or a scooby snack?

Once the Latino wolfman's wife dies he starts humping everything with a pulse including Julie but thankfully not her crickity old aunt Maville, that might've caused me to lose my lunch! Ladies must find him irresistible, since he's got the libido of a rabid hound dog. 

Anybody got some peanut butter to sop up these strawberry preserves leaking from my skull?

There's a gut busting scene where Julie cracks open a girls head and her entrails fall out (this pic was featured in the centerfold portion of Deep Red Horror Handbook). I wonder if Shane Dallmann had some influence on that part in the book. He's the main reason a lot of these were featured in the DR catalog. This may be one of the best PN flicks of all time even with all of the Telanovella type bullshit. More fun than a sadistically depraved episode of El Chavo Del Ocho! Mondo Macabro put this disc out and it's worth picking up. 

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