The End of The Wicked (1999)

The End of The Wicked (1999)
Directed by: Teco Benson
Written by: Teco Benson (screenplay), Helen Ukpabio (story)
Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin 

I discovered "End Of The Wicked" through a user made list of movies on the website, letterboxd.com. The list is titled: Atrocities, Odditites, Trash, Trippy, Religious, Tinfoil Hat, WTF, The Worst in Film & Video and boy, is it ever. haha. After sifting through over a thousand films in the list, I found some hand painted posters produced in Ghana. I recently researched these strange film posters, which are displayed and preserved in a nice space in Chicago called the Deadly Prey Gallery. There, you can look at the many different types of movie posters, all pretty much the same style, painted in oils onto hand sewn flour bags. The poster interpretations of American films (mostly action and horror) are just as strange as you may have anticipated if you're familiar with other bizarre foreign posters from countries such as Thailand or Poland. The Ghana posters are in wide, gruesome brush strokes and make some movies look way more interesting than they actually are haha. I couldn't help but be reminded of the "The Mutilator" drawing from the art classroom scene in "Ghost World".

"Oh. I thought maybe this was supposed to be your father."

The thin plotline of "End Of The Wicked" consists of a group of Nigerian shape-shifting Beelzebub worshippers with what looks like hamburger meat plastered onto their faces. Their Lord is a white face make up covered man with a hairy bloody chin and Fat Albert's voice. He commands them to retrieve enough blood to fill a lake in 24 hours, although this goal is never achieved. The dialogue is either difficult to understand through bad audio and thick accents, which ends up being really unintentionally funny. In one scene, where a group of children are being initiated into the Satanic cult, a girl is told to "blow up all electronics in your home, drink bleach, glasses and then cause fever and failure to all of the children in your home" 

 

Beelzebub's Glamour Shot

The sets look to be decorated from those terrible large shops that say "antiques", where everything is brand new, dark pink, fake period piece style chairs, and particle board entertainment systems. Bleecchhh. Or better yet, they hired the set decorator from one of those strange religious shows that sometimes pop up on broadcast TV, with the giant desks and potted ferns in the background. I'd imagine this movie is a cross between "Black Devil Doll From Hell" (which I still haven't seen yet) and "Mystics In Bali" for the absurd special effects and bizarre, super awkward perverse scenes. In "Bali", the floating head (with organs intact), eats a baby right out of the womb, whereas in "Wicked", we're assaulted with the visual of main character Chris' Satan-worshipping mother (aka Lady Destroyer) raping his wife with a giant magic penis. Fun! Even better, we're somehow treated to not one, but two scenes involving bloody crotches! Yay! I feel like I should be running down the "drive-in totals" like Joe Bob Briggs there are so many wacky things in this gawd-awful movie. In one scene (brought to life in a GIF I made below), the evil children summon a plate of inedible looking pasta on the back of some poor guy while he's trying to sleep. After they devour it with their bare hands, the man wakes up in major back pain. So gross. Later, this same man is subjected to his eyes literally popping out of his head in a dream and he wakes up blind. I'm not even 100% sure what he did that was horrible to deserve this, but he ends his life by stabbing himself to death. He definitely made somebody in this movie mad. 

"I Wanna RAWK!"

Meanwhile, our main man Chris is (unbeknownst to him) still constantly being tortured by his witch mother throughout this movie. Until he's finally transformed into a goat and his throat is slaughtered. They appear to have actually sawed a poor goat's throat to achieve this scene and it is gruesome and horrible to watch. Speaking of real life horrors, this movie was concocted by Helen Ukpabio. She appears in this film as a pastor who I guess is supposed to save everyone from evil, but that doesn't seem to happen. This film was produced by Ukpabio's company called Liberty Foundation Gospel Ministries and it's basically Christian propaganda. She's a wealthy evangelist that apparently through her teachings has influenced many to abandon and sometimes actually murder their children believing that they are in fact witches in disguise. There is a documentary on the subject called Dispatches Saving Africa's Witch Children on YouTube. There's a barrage of very negative press about her career and her bizarre teachings. She was actually banned from entering Britain in 2014 and she has sued the British Humanist Association (BHA) for defamation for basically twisting her words around. BHA's reply: 

“The fact that she is threatening to launch a legal claim for half a billion pounds over an alleged distinction between being accused of exorcising "Satan" or "Vampires" tells you all you need to know about Ms Ukpabio.”

Completely crazy! 

Watch "End Of The Wicked" (in two parts, first part linked here) HERE!

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Spine (1986)

SPINE (1986)

Directed by John Howard and Justin Simmonds

Review by Michael Hauss

     Since I’m on a roll of watching shit-on-video releases, I figured one more go at it wouldn’t retard my fucked up brain any more than seeing Thor all naked in "ROCK AND ROLL NIGHTMARE"  (1987) already did. All this to appease the savage editor Erok Hellhammer here at Theater of Guts, who keeps recommending these shit-fests for me to review, saying “it takes a special and I emphasize Special kind of person to understand these types of films.” Erok would go on to save his ass by saving that I was the “Jerry Warren” of the film reviewing world, pretty solid compliment right there I’d say.

     This 1986 shot-on-video (aka 'shit-on-video' or SOV) boasts a nutbag who goes around killing and exposing the spines of nurses, hence the title. The lead in this film, R. Eric (don’t call me Aldous) Huxley, plays slasher Lawrence Ashton and I'd swear it's actually old’ Bocephus himself, Hank Williams Jr. This dude could be his twin.

Hank Jr.'s evil twin demonstrates the "do's"
and "dont's" of the swinger lifestyle.

     The film is, on the technical side, a piece of shit which has the camera shoved right up the actors' asses or in their faces. The sound is like listening through a set of cans with a string through them, the way Alfalfa, Spanky, Buck Wheat and I used to call each other back in our gang days.

     Back to Hank Williams... I mean, R. Eric. He has this psycho thing down pat. He does a lot of emoting and acting angry, but also tries to be the cool composed spree killer we’ve grown to know and love, like Jason but without the hockey mask. Or that fucknut from SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (1988).

These bitchin' shades are my hockey mask,
and this luxurious mane is my tragic deformity.

    The thing about this film is that it actually has a very good exploitation actress in it. She deserved much better than this fate. The actress Janus Blythe appeared in a number of low budget exploitation and horror films including Ruby in the Wes Craven classic "THE HILLS HAVE EYES" (1977). She would follow up that film with a small part in the gooey but fun exploitation flick "THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN" (1977) and would appear again as Ruby in the sequel "THE HILLS HAVE EYES PART 2" (1984). Unfortunately, Janus would see her on-screen career end in 1991, but not before she accepted a part in this stinker. I could see the producer of this film saying to Janus, “We’ll give you one hundred dollars for the three-day shoot, free Shoney’s down on route 6 for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and book you into the Motel 6, and, We’ll leave the light on for you!”

Motel 6? I've hit the big time at last!

    I'm not sure how they got an actress with any credits at all to appear in this mess, but some notable hacks have slunk to SOV appearances. Erok Hellhammer’s favorite actor Michael J Pollard appeared in "SLEEPAWAY CAMP 3"(1989), and there's porn star Amber Lynn’s star turn in "THINGS" (1993).  The rest of the cast seems to have no other credits to speak of as far as I can ascertain except R. Eric Huxley, who has a few credits listed besides this. Surprisingly, not in any biopics of Hank Williams Jr.

     John Howard, one of the two directors listed on this film along with Justin Simmonds, does have a few other directorial credits on his resume. He has some porn credits and did a handful of films starring Linnea Quigley, including "SCORPION" (1986), "STALKED" (1986), "AVENGED" (1986) and FLASH (1987), which need further investigation.

"Is it that much fun to hurt someone / Oh please tell me why, dear!"

     The killer, all decked out in his reflective aviator glasses and brandishing a switchblade knife he strokes at times, is killing only nurses. He hog ties them and as they struggle, the rope from their feet to their neck tightens and it strangles them. Then he knifes them a bunch of times and cuts the back open to expose the spine. The killings are all related and identical except when the killer raped one of the women. Each murder scene has the name “Linda” written in blood on a wall. 

Alice in Bondageland.

     The police and forensic units in this film are laughably generic, and it’s like the actors who played the cops had no clue on how to author the parts. It's as if they were children playing a game of Cops and Robbers. The police presence is nil and the crime investigation units consist of one or two guys. The police struggle with finding the name of the suspect until their computer spits out the name of Lawrence Ashton. I mean damn, couldn’t the makers of this film watch an episode of Streets of San Francisco, Quincey, or Police Story, to figure out how police procedure and crime scene investigations go? 

The crime computer says she was killed by
someone named Bocephus, and it's never wrong.

     Carrie Longan (Janus Blythe) and Leah Petralla (Lise Romanoff), whose home the killer has invaded, are in danger from this bloodthirsty maniac. Will the fuck-nuttedly stupid police get there in time before he kills two more nurses? Better yet, who cares?

     This movie makes the SOV "555" (1988) look like it belongs in the horror hall of fame. It is just plain awful, no two ways around it. R. Eric Huxley turns in a decent enough performance but the rest of the cast just stinks the place up, including Janus Blythe. Even at seventy-three minutes this film was overlong and taxing on my brain. I think in closing that if I didn't hate Hank Williams Jr. so much then I may have enjoyed this a bit more. Shit, who am I kidding, I hated it as much as old Hank... not more, but damn close. 

This is spinal tap.

555

Reviewed by Michael Hauss

Directed by: Wally Koz. Starring Mara Lynn Bastian, Charles Fuller, Greg (Don't call me Jack) Kerouac and Greg (Don't call me Craig T.) Nelson

Video box tagline: Shot in Blood-Vivid Video for your Viewing Pleasure (or Blood covered Shitty-o .Ed)

I love the 80’s! I bought my first VCR in I believe 1983, with my wages I made working at a shithole retail department store called Richway’s in Fort Lauderdale, Florida and as fucked as my memory is today, I even remember the first video tape I rented was TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. But that’s not why we are here brothers and sisters, we are here today to spread the gutter love of a rotten little film called 555 (1988).

CALL NOW

The movie is about a dude who goes around killing people dressed as a damn hippie and the police who are trying to figure out the identity of the killer and stop him. In their investigation the police uncover that a series of crimes happen every five years in May, the fifth month for five consecutive days (Thus the title). I have only seen this film for the first time for reviewing purposes here recently, and was mildly surprised that the flick was not as down right terrible as I had always heard it was, bad yes, horrible yes, unwatchable no. Now the reason I had never viewed this film until recently was that it was one of those number of shot-on-video films that were so abundant in the late 1980’s and honestly I loathed these film for many years. And this film on any media format was hard to find. My standards have been lowering and lowering for years now and as my nuts dry up and turn to dust, my need for porn has turned to a need for low rent 1980’s horror films, where my mummified mind can find dumification and drift in and out of these shit on video tapes.

just thinking of those dusty mummy nuts is making me hot! 

The video is really an awkward, totally amateur effort that boasts two of the ugliest lead characters  ever, in Sargent Connor (who looks like a unibrowed meth addicted Mel Gibson) and the girl reporter Susan Rather (think an uglier version of that singer Susan Boyle, if that's possible), who is the type of gal who would do anything for a story, so she’s boning the District Attorney Kennedy and after finding out that he is only using her she turns her homely horny ass towards the old wrinkly nut-sacked Colonel Wayne and screws him for his exclusive story, it was Wayne who discovered the first set of victims, a man and a woman who were decapitated and mutilated. The colonel had told the police that he heard a scream and went to investigate and after finding the dead bodies had seen one of the most horrifying things this hardened military man had ever witnessed, he saw a man the likes of he hadn't seen in twenty-five years or so, this dude was a 60’s fucking hippie, a god damn son-of-a bitch hippie with long hair, beard, flowered shirt, bell-bottom jeans and to top it all he was wearing beads! 

Sergeant Connor, Detective Haller, and District attorney Kennedy were all in the office when Wayne made his startling revelation that it was a dirty fucking hippie, the D.A. tells the colonel that “no one dresses like that anymore,” no one believes the colonel’s story because no hippies were around by the eighties, they had all died off like the dinosaurs when the Beatles had broken up. Well, soon after more shagging people are killed and the dead women are sexually penetrated by the killer. 

Sergeant Connor who plays the deranged meth addicted Mel Gibson, is ready to go bad cop, even rogue cop at any minute, like the real Mel did in Lethal Weapon and its twenty-two sequels and during his last relationship. The Sergeant has a hard on for Colonel Wayne and thinks that he is the murderer, but after bringing him in, can’t hold him because of a lack of evidence. Is Wayne guilty or is it someone else, possibly the loose nut Conner or any of the other ensemble cast? I won’t tell, so that means you have to suffer through this crap.

Spoiler Alert, I die

The reporter Susan Rather is played by Mara Lynn Bastian and has a bit of a breast exposing scene when she’s seducing the Colonel. When she and the old geriatric fuck, Colonel Wayne are swapping spit my queasy stomach started flip flopping, that scene I can say was honestly the most repulsive and terrifying part of the whole movie! The film was very slow, pace wise, and had long static dialogue sequences plus the kills and gore while decent enough, were done at such a slow constructed pace that it’s like someone had taken some ludes and filmed the scenes. Man, (maybe it was the Hippie?) and it didn’t help that in one scene a woman who is being slashed up breaks into a quick chuckle. Compared to many other SOV films from the era, this one is watchable and has enough gore to fit firmly into the Chas Balun Deep Red catalog. (they even sold copies, check out the ad at the bottom).

NO REFUNDS!

As far as I can ascertain none of the cast or crew ever were involved in the making of another motion picture (figure that, will ya?). The film clocks in at a mind ripping 80 minutes and has set pieces with virtually no action and continuous badly lit day and night scenes. I found this film while looking about the wonderful selection from Vinegar Syndrome on their Exploitation TV app. The original video release of this film commands huge money on Ebay, a King Video/Slaughterhouse video release vhs sells for around the $300 mark, probably about as much as this thing cost to make.

So while blaming all the murders on a hippie was a stoke of genius, and the dude with the unibrow and the looks of a meth addicted Mel Gibson was a classic bit of casting, the film ultimately just takes too long to get from scene to scene and especially from beginning to end.

WATCH HERE ON VS' STREAMING AP (EXPLOITATION TV).

Deep Red ad, CHEAP!