Wednesday, May 11, 2016

USA UP ALL NIGHT RETURNS: GETTING LUCKY



Getting Lucky Directed By Michael Paul Girard, Starring Garry Kluger (1990).  

Reviewed By Max Meehan 

Given the opportunity of complete exoneration, I’d gladly throw the back of a boot heel into the weed-stained teeth of any goddamn Grace Slick-loving hippie. I can’t fucking stand them. Fuck them, fuck their culture, and fuck their stupid little head bands and their fucking love beads. Patooey! However, I will give them some back-handed credit for one thing: they also made up the most irresponsible generation of parents ever. See, a lot of the people who were raised in the eighties had parents who were either human tire fires, still partying or too selfish to give a shit about whatever rotting crotch fruit they pushed out, or they were super liberal and let their kids have all the room they needed to run amok, because they didn’t want to be “uncool.” Me, I come from the former, and by god, what a glorious, lawless, latchkey-guarded childhood I did have. To be raised at my own discretion was glorious. Granted, I’m not the healthiest person in any sense, but I’m not a fan of the norm, so that’s okay. I basically did what I wanted as a preteen because nobody was around. I’d occasionally find tithings of guilt left by absentee guardians, which I’d blow entirely on Jolt Cola and VHS Rentals. The 7-11 was my combined grocer and library, and the video store was my church.


gimme a taquito, a slurpee and that flick where aliens help old people have sex

Most of my time as a kid was spent in a caffeinated haze, sitting through octuple features, duping tapes, and sending packages to pen pals I’d met in the back of Monster Magazines. Life was miserable, and drugs never interested me, but I did have a salve. My painkillers consisted of punk rock, comic books, and cult movies. Any ephemera that was less accepted by a society I didn’t care for, the better. This was the age before the internet. There were no torrents, or email. If you truly wanted something, you had to apply the time and the effort to digging, which made it that much more special. The weirdo network of Morlocks I’d been welcomed into was connected through the mighty VCR. We’d all dupe stuff off local late night TV, and for those of us who could afford two decks, tapes from our local video store. A lot of us were separated by several states, and tastes varied, but there was one thing most of us hailed as a prevailing signal of righteousness. Of course, I speak of USA Network’s late night weekend program known as Up All Night. For the friends I did have locally, what we were able to stay awake for was as close to water cooler talk as I’ll ever get.


Doink and Rhonda say stay off the drugs kiddies


I’ve often been asked to explain the allure of the crop of entertainment featured on Up All Night. Most people discard the vast majority of films they featured as total and utter crap. However, standards are subjective. The best and only way I can explain these movies to anybody is that to enjoy Up All Night, one had to approach it with a sense of abandon. You had to ditch your pretention and any sort of normal human standard. So many people approach film in general with an unfortunate juror’s mentality. They judge rather than simply experience. Some people watch for whatever might be considered “the best” by conventional standards. I guess I view movies in the same way that I do other human beings. The well-adjusted ones are usually the most boring to me. I prefer my movies to be similar to the people I keep company with. I like them slightly damaged and imperfect. Those are the ones who usually have the best and most interesting stories, plus the most heart. That said, I always viewed Up All Night as a sort of orphanage for underdogs. These were the babies nobody wanted or loved because they had “problems.” Up All Night really trained me to approach movies in the most human fashion possible. Imperfection is characteristic, and there is very little that is beyond some redeeming point.

Years later, I would fondly look back on some of the radical things I’d seen during those wild no-doze weekends. I would sometimes find myself questioning my recollections of the films I’d seen, even asking myself if a lot of it was real, or just some weird distortion of a composite made up of many films. In fact, I mainly got into collecting VHS tapes in some attempt to chase down some really bizarre memories. When you’re a kid, you’re less inclined to really appreciate the insanity of certain things. When you’re brand new, you basically accept whatever they put in front of you as normal. As you grow older, you gain experience and perspective, and you sometimes start to realize how batshit a lot of the stuff you encountered as a kid might have been. Through VHS collecting, I can now verify as an adult that many of the films which Up All Night featured were gloriously real and just as absurd as I remember most of them being.

Of all the movies I saw on Up All Night, there were two in particular that burned themselves into my brain, and I spent years describing them to other people before I was able to nail the titles down, one of which was the Umberto Lenzi-related “Welcome to Spring Break.” (read last years review here, .ed) The other was softcore porn vet Paul Michael Girard’s 1990 boner jam known as “Getting Lucky.”

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hit the "Welcome to Spring Break" extra crispy button

Now, the term “auteur” is generally reserved for highbrow directors who make really great films, and rarely for people who make sloppy fuck movies. I don’t necessarily think you have to be a technical master to earn the title. I think a lot of auteurs are simply forced into existence because it’s the only way their shit would get done. There’s a guy by the name of David Heavener, best known for the incredible “Outlaw Force.” Heavener essentially started out as a guy who wanted to write songs for movies. When he couldn’t break into the soundtrack game, he decided he’d write a film vehicle for his music. When no one would produce it, he became the producer. When no one would direct it, he pulled up that chair. When no one would star in it, the man stepped in front of the camera. By virtue of necessity, Heavener became an auteur. Now, whether his films are technically good is debatable, but I happen to find them very entertaining. Girard is an auteur of a similar rank, and “Getting Lucky,” the story of a dumbass kid who finds a drunk leprechaun at the bottom of a beer bottle, is probably his magnum opus. If you have ever wondered what sort of movie an auteur who lives in a van would make, then you need to see this movie. I’m dead serious, too. He was actually living in a van at the time this film was produced.

I'm not trapped in a brown condom it's a "beer bottle".



I’m sure most people might be automatically compelled to hit the stop button after only a few minutes into “Getting Lucky.” It’s sleeves are soaked with flaws. This is a truly awkward film. The pacing is horrible, the editing is god awful, and there are moments that refuse to show mercy. Steven Cook is the homeless man’s Patrick Dempsey in what is essentially your typical spineless, nice guy fantasy, where some nerd usurps the jock and wins the popular cheerleader over by being “the nice guy.” And the protagonist’s romantic interest is naturally vapid and awful, and her only redeeming trait seems to be the fact that she’s not bad to look at, this confirming that the guy that you’re supposed to be rooting for is a shallow dickhead. It’s all pretty passe and full of holes at this point, but Girard takes this putrid formula and shoe horns a fucking LEPRECHAUN into the equation.


Would Patrick Demsey have this many hats and a Pee Wee Herman doll, Pushaw!


The plot is pretty basic: Bill is your typical geek from the wrong side of the tracks, collecting redeemable vain hope that he'll pay for med school with a sack full of dimes. One day, he finds a bottle he can’t seem to get rid of, try as he may. Fed up, Bill is poised to destroy the boomeranging Michelob empty when a squeaky Irish brogue pleads for mercy. Low and behold, Bill finds Lepkey the Leprechaun at the bottom of the bottle. The back story as to how he got there isn’t even worth explaining. All you need to know is that Lepkey agrees to grant Bill three wishes – one of which is to go out with cheerleader Krissi. He gets his wish, but it’s a bit distorted, as he winds up being used by Krissi as cover so she can go schtupp ultimo jock Tony. However, Bill’s sweetness resonates while Tony’s aggressive horniness turns her way off. What’s really strange is that the leprechaun angle exists to divert this from being a mundane drama. And even though Lepkey does stuff like force Tony to sodomize himself with a tennis racket, it doesn’t prevent it from taking a bafflingly dark and dramatic turn when Tony tries to rape Krissi and winds up in jail. Seriously, it’s like a soft-core porn parody of Degrassi on five Klonopin.

this is just like that Degrassi where Spike is pregnant only the teacher wants to abort-punch it.


Of course, the one thing this movie is perhaps best remembered for is “the shrinking scene.” It is excruciatingly janky in its execution, but forgivably imaginative. At some point, a Lepkey bungle leaves Bill shrunk down to the size of a bug on Krissi’s bicycle seat, and he winds up trapped in her underwear. While struggling to crawl out of her pubic forest, he inadvertently causes her to orgasm in the middle of her history class. It must be seen to be believed, and then it will never be forgotten.

awash in a sea of Michelob and pubes


The last quarter of the movie shifts from “what the fuck” to “what the fuck ever,” as Bill and Krissi are wed, Tony breaks out of prison to derail the honeymoon, and a fucking Barbarian with a horse for each foot shows up.


can you direct me to the set of Circle of Iron pleaaazzze

The movie is relentlessly cheap, but it’s not even a factor because it exists within the own pocket of what its finances could afford. In fact, I couldn’t picture this being done for more money. A great portion of this film’s charm is the movie’s surreal, dream-like feel, which is largely a byproduct of its cheapness. Some of the visuals are strikingly artful, such as the scene where Bill is forced to sop up milk from the floor of the locker room as the basketball team jeers and abuses him. The fake film within the film being shown at the drive-in is strangely pretty amazing. The film score is just straight-up killer. While the plot seems sort of thrown together, everything is oddly connected with a really warped logic. Most compelling, though, is that this is a boner comedy that is completely anti-erotic with some downright tense-to-gross foreplay. There is little that I find more entertaining than the failure of anything trying to be overtly sexual. And finally, the incredible songs of Michael Paul Girard are the Pele-kick that sends this one way over the top. In particular, “Hole In One” is amazing.

It’s not perfect in any sense, but it’s utterly compelling in every sense, and will refuse to leave your eyeballs until you die. Find a fucking copy!

(Erok aka Crankenstein here, Alright that's it folks the end of USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK which we got an overwhelming response from, thanks to everyone who contributed, don't forget to pick up your complimentary tchotche from the TOG clubhouse like a Rhonda Shear emergency Rub-one-out rag or a pair of industrial strength Gottfried ear plugs. See you in a few weeks, I'll be recuperating from all the arthritis this finger pummeling week has given me). 

WATCH HERE



Tuesday, May 10, 2016

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK RETURNS: KRIS GILPIN interviews EDDIE DEEZEN!





I first met actor Eddie Deezen on a Hollywood Blvd. street corner, he is a very cheerful, friendly guy (check out his cool, fun site! EddieDeezen.com) & we have been acquaintances for 35 years now. I have interviewed him for zines in the past & Erok wanted an updated, exclusive Eddie D. piece for ToG now...

KG: How you been, Eddie? Thanks for talking with me again... 

I AM DOING VERY WELL, KRIS. JUST DID A GREAT SIGNING SHOW NEAR PITTSBURGH- THE STELL CITY COMIC.CON. I HAD THE BEST TIME EVER. THESE SHOWS ARE ALWAYS FUN AND AMAZING.


KG: We've already, sadly lost many famous folks in 2016, any memories about meeting/working with anyone here?: Alan Rickman, Garry Shandling, Abe Vigoda, George Kennedy, Patty Duke, Pat Harrington, Jr., David Bowie? ... 


THE ONLY ONE I HAD THE PLEASURE OF MEETING PERSONALLY WAS PATTY DUKE. IN APRIL OF 1987, I RECEIVED THE ONE BILLIONTH DOLLAR IN RESIDUAL CHECKS FROM THE SCREEN ACTORS GUILD. IT WAS A $172.00 CHECK FOR "GREASE" RESIDUALS. PATTY WAS THE PRESIDENT OF SAG AT THE TIME. WE MET, CHATTED BRIEFLY, AND SHE INTRODUCED ME TO THE PRESS. SUCH A WARM, VERY NICE LADY.


R.I.P. PATTY DUKE

KG: Your solo SF/horror film (as I recall) was Laserblast, in which you were the bad guy, what are your remembrances and thoughts about it? 

WELL, I HAD A HUGE CRUSH ON THAT FILM'S SCRIPT GIRL. HER NAME WAS BETTY GOLDBERG. SHE WAS SO HOT. I LOVED HER. SADLY ,KIM MILFORD, THE FILM'S STAR, WAS AN EARLY CASUALTY OF AIDS. AFTER DOING "GREASE" AT PARAMOUNT STUDIOS, THIS WAS MY FIRST "LOW BUDGET" B-MOVIE. NO DRESSING ROOMS. ALL THE CAST JUST SHARED A BIG WAREHOUSE TOGETHER. "LASERBLAST!" IS THE ONLY FILM I ACTUALLY DIE IN- LITERALLY, NO FIGURATIVELY. I GET BLOWN UP. I AM ALSO CAST AGAINST TYPE- AS A BULLY. SOMETHING I AM DEFINITELY NOT. "LASERBLAST!" WAS MY SECOND FILM AFTER "GREASE", BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY MY FIRST FILM TO BE RELEASED-ON MARCH 1, 1977. "GREASE" WAS RELEASED JUNE 16, 1977.


Eddie as the Laserblast bully, being bullied by Mike and the Bots


KG: Here's a question from Theater of Guts site writer, Skunkape: Why did you leave the Polish Vampire in Burbank set, and did you regret it since you were the star? (Eddie, I've never even heard this story!)  

OK, I DID THE FILM AS A FAVOR. A PURE FAVOR TO THE DIRECTOR. I RECEIVED NO MONEY. BY THE WAY, I LATER GOT IN TROUBLE WITH THE GUILD FOR EVEN DOING IT, BUT ANYWAY, I GOT NOTHING OUT OF IT. SO WE SHOT ONE DAY, AND I ASKED TO BE DRIVEN HOME. THE DIRECTOR SAID, "OH, SIT AROUND. WATCH SOME TV", SOME REMARK LIKE TAT. WELL, SCREW THAT. THAT WAS WHEN I QUIT. I FELT I DESERVED TO BE TREATED BETTER THAN THAT FOR A FAVOR. NOW, THAT DIRECTOR WAS MARK PIRRO. HE IS ACTUALLY A NICE GUY. HE IS MY PAL. HE IS A GOOD GUY. BUT I THINK WE BOTH LEARNED A LESSON FROM THAT EXPERIENCE.

The Deezen portrait in Polish Vampire

KG: Any on-set/finished-films thoughts about Attack of the Killer Bimbos, Critters 2, Teenage Exorcist (what was this?)... 

"ATTACK OF THE KILLER BIMBOS" WAS A FUN SHOOT. A RARE LADY DIRECTOR, ANITA ROSENBERG. A FINE DIRECTOR. THAT FILM PREMIERED AT A DRIVE-IN THEATER. VERY COOL. "CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE"........ I MISSED LEO DICAPRIO BY ONE FRIGGIN' FILM. LEO'S FIRST FILM WAS "CRITTERS 3". AS MAXWELL SMART WOULD SAY, "MISSED IT BY THAT MUCH". I DO A DRAG SCENE IN "CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE". ALWAYS FUN. "TEENAGE EXORCIST" WAS A FUN, LOW BUDGET FILM I DID IN AROUND 1990. NICE PEOPLE. I HAD FUN. BRITT ECKLAND WAS IN IT. SHE WAS A NICE LADY. (Make sure you check out Kris' Bimbo premiere post). 


Some Deezen-less Critters sequel


KG: What were the best/worst film experiences you've had, and why? 

BEST....."GREASE" WAS MY FIRST FILM. IT WAS LIKE THE GREATEST PARTY YOU EVER WENT TO IN YOUR LIFE AND IT LASTED TWO MONTHS. I LOVED ALL THE CAST. I LOVED ALL THE DANCERS. JOHN TRAVOLTA WAS THE NICEST ACTOR I HAVE EVER HAD THE PLEASURE TO WORK WITH. IT WAS A SPECIAL, MAGICAL TIME OF MY LIFE. I WAS 20 YEARS OLD AND I WAS DOING A MAJOR MUSICAL WITH FRIGGIN' JOHN TRAVOLTA. OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN WAS A DOLL. "POLAR EXPRESS" WAS TIED FOR BEST. TOM HANKS MADE IT SPECIAL. A FANTASTIC GUY. HE IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE STAR. BOB ZEMECKIS IS ALSO MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE DIRECTOR. THE FINEST DIRECTOR I HAVE EVER WORKED FOR. WORST EXPERIENCE WAS "MIDNIGHT MADNESS". MANY GREAT PEOPLE, BUT ACTUALLY FOUR OR FIVE TRULY NASTY PEOPLE ON THAT ONE. MICHAEL J. FOX WAS ONE OF THE COOL ONES.


Deezen as the least scary kid among a horde of frightening children


KG: ...the best/worst actors and directors you've worked with, and why (any stories?)?... 

BEST DIRECTOR" BOB ZEMECKIS. STEVEN SPIELBERG A CLOSE SECOND. BEST ACTORS" JOHN TRAVOLTA & TOM HANKS. WORST DIRECTOR: RICHARD FLEISCHER. I DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT THE GUY, I'LL JUST SAY A VERY, VERY SOUR OLD GUY. WORST ACTOR: SOME OF THE CAST IN "MIDNIGHT MADNESS".




who really burnt Eddie's bacon in the Midnight Madness cast?

KG: I once saw you in a weird thing the theaters got once, it was a series of tiny films where the members of the audience could actually push buttons on their seats and determine where the storyline would advance next (?!), what was that, how'd you get that gig and how did you like doing it?

"MR PAYBACK". IT WAS THE FIRST-EVER INTERACTIVE MOVIE. DIRECTED BY MY DEAR FRIEND, BOB GALE. I WORKED ON IT ALL NIGHT. I LOVE BOB. A FANTASTIC DIRECTOR AND WRITER.

KG: In the last few years you've done a lot of voice-overs, how did you get into that, and is it fun for you (any more fun stories here, please?)?...

I BASICALLY LOVE VOICEOVERS BECAUSE I AM VERY BAD AT REMEMBERING LINES. WITH VOICEOVERS, YOU JUST GET TO READ A SCRIPT RIGHT THERE. I HAD CUE CARDS ALL THE WAY TROUGH "POLAR EXPRESS" I HAD BOB HOPE'S CUE CARD HOLDER. 




PSST! Hey Bob you forgot your lines!

KG: What was the short, I Love You Eddie Deezen about, and what did you do in it?

I JUST DID IT FOR MY FRIEND, SHERRY MATTSON. IT WAS DEFINITELY HER BABY. I MAKE A CAMEO APPEARANCE AT THE END. NO BIG DEAL.


KG: What are the most outrageous, funniest things that happened to/around you on a set?

ON "1941", MY PAL, MURRAY HAMILTON AND I SPEND THE WHOLE FILM UP ON A FERRIS WHEEL.  STEVEN SPIELBERG HAD US REALLY WHIPPING AROUND ONE DAY. I GOT VERY MOTION SICK AND STEVEN'S SECRETARY TOOK ME INTO HIS DRESSING ROOM. I LIE ON HIS BED AND I GOT UP AND WENT INTO STEVEN'S BATHROOM AND THREW UP IN HIS TOILET. THROWING UP IN STEVEN SPIELBERG'S TOILET IS A GREAT HIGHLIGHT OF MY CAREER.


I NEED THAT TOILET AGAIN, I'M GONNA HORRRKKKK!


KG: Looks like you do a lot of conventions now, are they fun for you? Have you met a lot of fans in them?

I HAVE DONE ABOUT 20 CONVENTIONS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. THE EASIEST AND MOST FUN GIGS EVER. YOU JUST MEET AND SIGN AND CAT WITH HUNDREDS OF THE NICEST PEOPLE YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE. WE GET PAID FOR HAVING A BLAST!!!! I LOVE MY FANS. THE NICEST, COOLEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

KG: Any stories about the weirdest fans/requests at a convention?

HMMMM...............NONE ACTUALLY COME TO MIND. I HAVE A TRULY GREAT CONVENTION STORY, BUT IT'S JUST TOO LONG TO RELATE, KRIS. 

KG: How much are your autographed photos?

NOT MUCH $20.00 FOR A PHOTO AND I POSE FOR SELFIES WITH THAT. 

KG: Your site is very neat, do you have a large fan club, too?

I DON'T THINK SO. I AM NOT A BIG STAR OR CELEBRITY AT ALL. I ALWAYS HAVE JUST HAD MY PACK OF LOYAL FANS. 




The Deezen Doll unfortunately is not for sale


KG: 4 years ago there was an Eddie Deezen doll, pretty cool! 

What did you think of it and did it sell well? I GOT IT. IT WAS VERY COOL. I LOVED IT.


KG: Thanks from us and all your fans, Eddie! Where can we find you next, and what might be left in your career that you haven't done yet, but always wanted to?...

I AM CURRENTLY NOT DOING MUCH. I AM A COMPLETE FACEBOOK ADDICT AND NUT. I AM ON THERE POSTING FOR MY FRIENDS AND FANS EVERY DAY. MY BUCKET LIST? YES, I WANT TO SEE TOM BRADY PLAY BEFORE HIS CAREER IS OVER. I HAVE A TICKET FOR THE PATS-STEELERS GAME THIS OCTOBER, SO I'LL BE ABLE TO DO THAT. I WANT TO VISIT GRACELAND. I LOVE ELVIS. I'D LOVE TO GET MARRIED, FIND THE RIGHT GIRL. I WAS MARRIED IN THE 80'S, BUT IT WASN'T THE RIGHT MATCH. I'D LOVE TO DO ANOTHER MOVIE. I'D LIKE TO SEE A BALLGAME AT FENWAY PARK. I AM A PIRATES FAN, BUT I LOVE FENWAY PARK, FOR SOME REASON. I'D LIKE TO GET A NEW DOG. A CHIHUAHUA. OR ANOTHER PET CHINCHILLA. OTHER GOALS, TOO MANY TO NAME.


Monday, May 9, 2016

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK RETURNS: ROCK N ROLL NIGHTMARE


The Edge Of Hell,( Rock and Roll Nightmare, Arch Angel) Directed by John Fasano. Starring Jon Mikl Thor (1987).

Reviewed by Michael Hauss

Did you ever sit and watch a movie and want to pluck your eyes out? This here my friends is one of those eye plucking out movies that is so insanely incompetent that it offends thy eyes. What the fuck, what the fuck, is what I kept muttering beneath my breath as this heavy metal misfire unfolded on the screen. I have to honestly say that I hated everything about this movie.

Here's the story or what we're led to believe the story is about; a rock n roll band and their chicks are heading to a rural farm whose barn has a 24 track recording studio in it. The house at one time was witness to a family being wiped out by creatures made out of play-doh. The band are going to rehearse new material for an upcoming album and to get the band back in rhythm with each other. It seems the drummer with the crummy Australian accent named Stig played the wrong song at their last gig. One by one the band and their girlfriends and manager disappear, with some returning in evil incarnations of themselves.

Fake Aussies love the pissy taste of High Life more than Fosters 

The end has the only survivor Thor telling the ole devil himself " I am Triton, the archangel." Thor is bathed in a bright white light as he emerges with teased hair and fetish looking bikini underwear. He and the devil amble about looking for a rumble and Thor seems like he's auditioning to be a Chippendale dancer. Their clash is epic, with blood being drawn, Play-doh starfish being thrown at Thor,  mascara running, hair being pulled and wedges administered, but Thor puts the smack down on "old Scratch" and after defeating the weakest looking devil ever, vows to see him again and thus keep the world safe.

freshen you coffee with more ejacu-spittle?

The monsters in this film are either mask wearing cast members, puppets or clay looking beings, including one who looks like a penis with an eye, who does the nasty into the drink of the group's manager Phil turning him evil. Since the whole film is revealed to be fake in the end, then really this whole thing did not fucking happen and I could have watched the last ten minutes of Thor' s chippendale audition and not wasted seventy-three minutes of my life. You see the archangel Chippendale Dancer Thor only made the first part of the film up, all his supposed band mates and their girlfriends were made up, only shadows to draw the devil out so he could whip his fucking ass.


GAH, I stepped on a slippery muppet


Let's talk about the good things this film has to offer..... Ok, now let's talk about the bad things, they tried to borrow bits from EVIL DEAD with the POV of a spirit or demon moving about at ground level and also tried to instill some humor into the proceedings, but the humor was Play-Doh creatures being thrown, smoking cigarettes or cumming in people's drinks and this film ain't no Evil Dead that's for sure... The director would let scenes run on forever with scenes of the sky, the house and inanimate objects going on and on, and if the scenes were edited by a competent being then this film would have ran about 40 minutes. Since this was a Rock n Roll band and their ladies, there was a lot of shagging going on, including Thor all naked in the longest most gut wrenching shower scene ever.

The women were for the most part unattractive and not a bit of eroticism was on display in the numerous fuck fests. The drummer with the horrid Australian accent was attacked by a creature and his face squeezed really hard, he lost that shitty accent half way through the film after becoming possessed and not one person noticed, not even his girl Lou-Ann. The sound recording and soundtrack are bombastic and the music used is constantly grating on the viewers nerves .


I got my punker dweeb starter pack at the Canadian Hot Topic


The script is awful and was written by Thor and since the majority of the film was unreal, it doesn't matter what the shadowy non-entities were saying anyway. Before killing off the band, we get some heavy metal numbers by the band that has plenty of hair flipping and posing.


I just busted out of the Henson workshop unfinished


So, really listen to me.... Don't fuck around with the archangel Thor because he'll make you watch this fucking stupid movie and then tell you it was only a deception and the last ten minute chippendale dance was the only part of the movie real, that's some fucked up reality there. I read someplace that Thor had a nervous breakdown the year this was released, it was probably after seeing his acting and singing career destroyed by this turd.


you need to work on your traps bro that grip is wimpy

Few more notes of interest, Rusty Hamilton(?) made a special appearance in the film as the Seductress, she's Thor's wife in real life. The little boy at the beginning of the film makes an appearance later during the film and transforms into a miniature vision of the fine actor Neville Brand and attacks two band members off screen. Lots of clay or maybe a rundown version of the Incredible Edibles was used to make the creatures, including the aforementioned phallic looking one and others.


all your rinky dink special effect needs covered


The director John Fasano surprisingly found more work after this including directing another inept heavy metal movie BLACK ROSES (1988, USA, Canada). Jon Mikl Thor is a former professional body builder and heavy metal artist, whose albums have sold in the thousands, Thor as he's commonly known appeared in the the classic horror film ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE, for which he received the Canadian version of the Oscar for his performance of Tony, at least that's what I've been told. The film's budget was reportedly $53, 000 and was filmed in a reported seven days.

Here are a couple of Thor songs that Erok is fond of even though everything about this guy is tongue in cheek and over the top retarded. Ragna-Rock  and a duet with A.C.'s lead knuckle dragger Seth Putnam (R.I.P.) 

AVOID AT ALL COSTS, POSSIBLY THE LAMEST METAL MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK RETURNS: Motel Hell (1980)


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MOTEL HELL. Directed By Kevin Conner, Starring Rory Calhoun (1980).

Reviewed By Goat Scrote

     I have really enjoyed this movie ever since I was a kid and I watched it on cable late one night (or early one morning, technically). It’s streaming on Amazon Prime as I write this, and it’s one of the more entertaining horror-comedies to come out of the 70s and 80s. It displays a twisted sense of humor on the part of the filmmakers that I can really appreciate, as well as deep affection for the scary movies which it pokes fun at.

     Farmer Vincent (Rory Calhoun) witnesses a motorcycle accident involving a man and a woman. They’re knocked out and Vincent swoops in to clean up. He immediately develops the hots for the blonde woman, Terry, so he takes her home to nurse her back to health. When she awakens, the farmer sadly informs her that her biker boyfriend Bo is dead. In a twist on the way this scenario usually plays out, Terry falls for her older rescuer. She clearly has a thing for older men, given her previous boyfriend is also two or three times her age.


I just took ten viagras and a shot of pig testosterone. Ready your cooch, woman!


     The situation is complicated by Ida, who is Vincent’s crazy evil daughter… er… sister?… um… wife, maybe. Possibly all three. They leave that question open for quite a while before they establish that they are siblings, but I don't think that necessarily rules out the other options. Vincent also has a kid brother, Bruce, who is the law in these here parts. A love triangle develops when Bruce develops a crush on Terry as well. She likes her men with a little more seasoning than the young police officer, however.

     The family runs a motel but their main business is making smoked pork. People come to the farm from far and wide to buy the delicious sausages. A couple of little girls wander into the slaughterhouse and are seriously traumatized by Ida, who chases them while wearing the severed head of a pig. What a nice lady.

     Wolfman Jack, the growly-voiced radio DJ who also starred in his own saturday morning cartoon, has a part as a sleazy televangelist.

Oddly enough this doesn't make me want to wolf whistle.


     A bumbling livestock inspector keeps showing up, trying to secretly figure out Vincent’s secret recipe. He regrets finding out when he discovers a garden patch full of people buried up to their necks. Their vocal cords have been cut so they can’t scream. This turns out to be the fate of all of the victims Farmer Vincent collects. He is planting living humans and harvesting them!

     Vincent lays out a bear trap on the road and we realize that Terry’s motorcycle accident wasn’t an accident at all. This time the trap snags a van with some super stylin’ 70s airbrush art, carrying a band called Ivan and the Terribles. Vincent’s dialogue with Ida here is priceless. He explains how finding ways to abduct people gives him a chance to exercise his creativity. Meanwhile, Ivan and the Terribles end up in the garden.

You never Sausage a place! (apologies to South of the Border's Pedro)


     Elsewhere, Terry and Bruce settle in to watch a drive-in movie, “The Monster that Challenged the World” (a classic 1957 sci-fi flick). Terry has to fend off Bruce as he tries to force himself on her. This tender felony is interrupted by a call on the radio from a woman who is being chased in her car after seeing someone (guess who?) abduct her friend.

     Vincent continues to kidnap people, exhibiting a cheerful disposition all the while. One funny sequence involves a couple of swingers who show up and invite Vincent and Ida to their room for some bondage. The swingers get tied up and planted, of course.

     Ida is jealous of Terry, so when they go inner tubing at the local reservoir Ida arranges an “accident” to try to drown her competition. Vincent has other plans for the girl so he rescues her. Terry is ever so grateful to her rescuer, and tries to seduce him unsuccessfully. This turns into a marriage proposal, however, and she accepts. Kid brother Bruce is crazy with jealousy.




Did you remember to stuff the cavity with headcheese dressin'?


     Later Ida and Vincent drug Terry so they can go tend their special garden. They use big hypno-wheels and flashing lights to daze the survivors and turn them into nearly-mindless vegetables. Vincent extols the virtues of a “radical hypno-high… heavier, smoother than any trip you’ve had”. To harvest the people out of the garden they tie nooses around the victims’ necks, and pull with the tractor to kill them instantly and yank them out of the ground. At one point the villainous Vincent wonders about the “karmic implications of these acts” of murder. He feels he is doing the world a favor with his culinary genius!


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Phish concert goes tragically wrong.

     Bruce start uncovering evidence of Vincent’s crimes and reveals them to Terry, but the two are captured by Vincent and Ida. Meanwhile one of the vegetables planted in the garden frees an arm enough to dig himself out, and then frees the others. The movie takes on a bit of a zombie vibe with growling brain-damaged savages out for bloody revenge. The vegetable squad soon takes out Ida.

     Bruce has a chainsaw duel with Farmer Vincent, who is wearing the head of a pig, while Terry is on a conveyor headed for a meat-slicing machine. This ending gave me nightmares as a child. The cop vs. flesh-wearing psychopath chainsaw duel is awfully similar to the ending of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” (1986) but “Motel Hell” did it first. Vincent ends up with a chainsaw stuck through him, and with his dying breath admits his secret regret, the one thing he is ashamed of: He has been using preservatives in the meat all along!!


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Charlotte's Web 2: Wilbur's Revenge

MAKE SURE YOU BUY THE SHOUT FACTORY BLU-RAY/DVD 

Saturday, May 7, 2016

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK RETURNS: The Outing


“The Outing” aka “The Lamp (1987)
Directed by: Tom Daley
Written by: Warren Chaney
Starring: Deborah Winters, James Huston and Andra St. Ivanyi

Review by: “Machine Gun” Kristin 

I saw “The Outing” at a sleepover party, probably when it was fairly recent on VHS in the late 80s. My memory is fuzzy at best so I have a surreal sort of recollection of it. It was on in the middle of the night, and I only remember flashes of the last 20 minutes or so. I thought it was a little scary at the time, or just strange in a way. I’d say it was just the time of night that I watched it also that made it seem scarier. I believe this was the same sleepover party where the resident cat of the household I was sleeping at decided to brush my hair with it claws, cementing a long running distain for pets.


"Come on kids, let's squeeze everyone into the family photo"


Unfortunately, I wasn’t old enough (or just don’t remember most likely) "USA’s Up All Night”, hosted by Gilbert Gottfried and later Caroline Schlitt, then Rhonda Shear which ran from 1989-1998.




I have a better memory of TNT’s “MonsterVision” with the hilarious Joe Bob Briggs which ran sometime in the 1990s.




Another similar show I remember was USA’s “Reel Wild Cinema” which was hosted by Sandra Bernhard and Executive Produced by Mike Vraney of  “Something Weird” video.




The catalog of films shown on “Up…”  is great, mostly horror and comedies. It may have helped create the “late night” cable movie genre which is more or less the little brother of “midnight movies”, but instead you don’t have to leave your couch. Its also another link in the chain of horror host style shows.

“The Outing” is also known as more coherently titled “The Lamp” overseas. I don’t know if it's the first horror genie film, but I’m sure by that time, people couldn’t image “I Dream Of Jeannie” committing heinous murders of naked teenage girls. Unfortunately, the version I watched was super dark, so it was hard to entirely decipher what was happening. This is when the “cleaned up” version of a film really shines, because it displays details we may have missed in past versions. I love VHS formats and grainy videos as much as the next person, but occasionally it's also nice to see a clearer picture because it enhances the creator's original intent. “The Outing” recently received the Shout Factory treatment, but apparently it's still not the right version. Apparently, there’s two different opening sequences, one that explains the Arab women’s possession of the Lamp and another that begins the film past that sequence in the present. There’s also some edits made to a rape scene and I think some of the gore scenes as well. It's annoying as hell when these strange edits are made because then it becomes all the more difficult to obtain the “correct” version of the film.


Original title sequence



something stinks around here!


The movie’s first set in Galveston, Texas (cue Glen Campbell), then later Houston. It’s an okay movie with good pacing, so it's not completely without its charm. It sorta plays like a made-for-tv movie, but with some boobs thrown in. The look of the film for some reason reminded me of “Rush Week”, but I bet that’s just because it was filmed in the mid to late 80s. Here, A lamp with a genie (or Jinn) is brought back from an expedition that took place in 1893 (as explained in the sometimes missing scene from the very beginning of the film). In the present (1986), the lamp is stolen from an Arab woman (played by Deborah Winters, who plays the teacher also) daughter of the owner in the flashback sequence by 3 gross hillbillies. After their demise, (which couldn’t have been sooner haha) the lamp is transferred to a museum’s curator (James Huston) for further investigation. His daughter, Guess Jeans wearing,Alex (Michelle Burke lookalike, Andra St. Ivanyi) puts on a bracelet that makes her the keeper of the lamp and slave to the Jinn/genie. Her class has an after school field trip (is there such a thing?) to said museum and she convinces her classmates to stay after hours without anyone knowing. It's similar to what happened in Tobe Hooper’s “The Funhouse” where they stay overnight at the carnival with disastrous results. Alex’s randomly racist violent ex boyfriend shows up at the sleepover with his cronie. These guys reminded me of super evil bullies in “Trick Or Treat” (1986), where their violent anger seemed so unrelenting. You couldn’t wait for these guys to get killed off. The ending of the movie doesn't make any sense to me when they stop the car to check out the Pepsi truck. Can anyone explain that?

 could you spare some change for the bus?

 may I have this dance?

Most of the cast and crew didn’t seem to much else before or after “The Outing”. Deborah Winters and screenwriter Warren Chaney are actually husband and wife. She made some films in the 60s and 70s, but you might recognize her best from the super fun 1978 horror film, “Blue Sunshine”.

"The Outing" is a fun film, with some nice gore scenes, but overall could've been better. But then again, it could have been worse. I'd give it 2 and 1/2 pairs of blood splattered high-waisted Guess jeans.
You can watch it HERE
You can buy it HERE!

Make sure you check out my online shop HERE. Or if you live in Orlando, FL we have a shop HERE.

Friday, May 6, 2016

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK RETURNS: THE CHILDREN


The Children Directed By Max Kalmanowicz, Starring Gale Garnett (1980).

Review By Dave Konsanke


Erok (aka Crank) here with another special guest writer Mr. Dave Kosanke from zines like Liquid Cheese, a super fun horror one and T.O.S.S. which brings you the finest in dirt on the vintage porn world! Here he waxes nostalgia-like about another USA show which I wasn't familiar with, I mean there were a shit ton of good ones. We're overexcited to have this contribution and we hope you appreciate it. Take it away Dave! Order copies of his fine magazine at this link http://liquidcheesefanzine.storenvy.com/


My teenage years in the early to mid ‘80s were largely spent in front of a television screen on Saturday nights. While others preferred to ‘drink, dope and smoke’ I was content watching cable T.V. all night long. I wasn’t frying my brain on drugs but on psychotronic emissions from the cathode ray tube!
The Saturday night ritual usually started at 5:05 p.m. central time zone when WTBS (Ted Turner’s baby) aired their weekly NWA championship wrestling show (which would later morph into WCW). When that ended promptly at 7:05 p.m. I’d flip the channel over to the USA Network. One of their key shows was Saturday Nightmares. They would air a horror film usually bookended by episodes of Ray Bradbury Theater or Alfred Hitchcock Presents (newer episodes, not the classic black and white). While I didn’t religiously follow Saturday Nightmares every week, one movie in particular made quite an impression…THE CHILDREN.



Gasp! Sat. Nightmares had no horror host behind the wheel.

My chief complaint with Saturday Nightmares (or any regular cable channel offering that wasn’t ‘premium’) was that the films were edited for ‘content.’ I recall a FRIDAY THE 13th marathon served up on the USA Network that was shorn of all of the nudity (although the violence was intact as far as I can remember). No boobs on the boobtube was a ‘no-no’ for this budding teenager! Anyhow I was fascinated with THE CHILDREN primarily because I hadn’t heard of it before. Or maybe it was because there wasn’t anything else on TV that night. Either way I was interested enough to stick it out for 2 hours (with commercials of course).


OMG, cover up those boobs I'm offended as a conservative Christian!

The small town of Ravensback has a problem. Due to a ‘pressure drop’ at their nuclear generating facility, mysterious gas seeps forth. A greenish cloud soon envelops a road whereupon a school bus innocently plows through. The children on board appear to be in the 8 to 10 year old range. They sing praises to the bus driver Fred. Now I don’t know about you, but when I growing up kids never liked the bus driver. However as we are about to learn, these aren’t ‘normal’ offspring.
Time passes and Sheriff Hart happens to notice the school bus parked on the side of the road. Strangely enough nobody is on board. Not only that but the kids belongings are still on the seats. The viewer can spy a 1979 issue of Newsweek boasting “Hollywood’s Scary Summer” on the cover as Ripley looks scared (from ALIEN of course). Anyhow the Sheriff starts combing the area, looking for those ‘darn kids.’ On his travels he ‘interrogates’ some interesting neighbors. For some reason a topless gal (lounging at the side of a swimming pool) is flanked by a muscle bound dude lifting weights?!? Later on this Guido/Disco/Pimp pulls into the town. Oddly enough, these characters make an instant impression but are soon forgotten. Hmmm.



Wait, these hugs are less fun than drugs!

Once the viewer spies these kids they appear somewhat normal…except for black fingernails (don’t worry this was in the pre-goth days). They approach concerned adults with outstretched arms. However their grasp should have a ‘caution flammable material’ sticker, because those hands are fiery death! The adults of Ravensback are soon crispy critters. The children’s aim is to apparently wipe out all of their parents and any other older folks that get in their way, including Molly, who runs the local store.
As time goes on the only two parents seemingly left alive are John & Cathy. Cathy is with child and their son is actually the only tot untainted in the area (he missed school). By the way I should mention that this kid knows where it’s at judging by the SUPERMAN, SPIDERMAN and THE MUPPETS posters on his walls!
At this point Ravensback is surrounded by darkness as night falls. The children close in on them in fashionable NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD mode. Much like Romero’s pesky zombies, these moppets bounce right back up after a bullet hit. Yes that’s right…Sheriff Hart pulls a Popeye moment (“I can only stands so much…I can’t stands no more!”) and performs the ‘shoot first’ law enforcement credo on little kids! Whole-Lee-Sheet! Yet those guns are no match for our terrible tykes. It takes a sword (well positioned on a wall) to do ‘em in. One kid has his hands lopped off, and whammo! Instant death!



EEK! Get away from me gratuitous mop-topped kid from every doomed sitcom!


Before you know it all hands are off and the broods bodies start to fill up the yards and houses. Just as morning breaks, Cathy has those pains every expecting mother knows oh-so-well. John helps out with the impromptu birth. Their baby looks healthy enough…but what about those dark colored fingernails?!?!?
At one moment in the film a news report suggests that other kids in the tristate area have also been infected. It’s another aspect of the script that isn’t answered. Are more children committing acts of murder? Who knows? In any event THE CHILDREN is played straight and exudes a morbid atmosphere. Granted a lot of credit for the ‘horror mood’ goes to composer Henry Manfredini who whips up some Psycho-esque strings that would serve him well on the original FRIDAY THE 13th (which kinda/sorta catapulted him to stardom).



UGHH, where's the nearest Hot Topic.


Watching this on the USA Network oh-so-long-ago was an unforgettable moment. I found that aforementioned ‘horror mood’ quite palpable. It’s a film that stays with you…long after you’ve changed the channel. USA had some pretty cool stuff on their regular programming during the ‘80s. Even though Saturday Nightmares didn’t have a host, at least the films they showed were a nice mix off oddball and popular. Yet the USA Network also had Commander USA’s Groovie Movies and later Rhonda Shear’s Up All Night! Both were on my radar. I would shove a blank VHS tape into the recorder and get bits of Rhonda in skimpy attire (which was basically every episode) or catch some cheesecake moment while flipping channels. These tapes would inevitably end with videos recorded off MTV’s Headbangers Ball which is how my Saturday nights would end. After that it was sleep before waking up a few hours later to deliver newspapers or make breakfast at McDonalds (my first paying jobs).



We want our own Brokeback Mountain style movie

But back to THE CHILDREN. Watching it now feels like an extended moment from NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD where little Kyra Schon reaches out for her parents only to act out violently. Even her look isn’t that far removed from how the children look. As taboo trashing at it was (?) to kill kids on screen, that didn’t stop the film from playing on cable TV, much less find life on home video (it was eventually released on a 5 inch disc courtesy of Troma). It will for forever be one of my most treasured movie moments from that exalted network.


AVAILABLE TO WATCH EITHER ON THE TROMA YT CHANNEL OR HULU.


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