Monday, May 2, 2016


Stewardess School Directed By Ken Blancato, Starring Donny "Ralph Malph" Most (1986).

I can't even believe I'm doing this to myself and sure, nobody asked for it, but I figured what the fuck, why not almost lose my marbles again by resurrecting that jolt of nostalgia my brain waves crave like so much dopamine and bring back for one week only the RETURN OF USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK! So for those who have no idea about this influential show (which by the way has nothing to do with Chas Balun or Deep Red at all and is a shameless attempt to gain up more followers and attention).


In the late 80's to early 90's on the USA Network this was one of the first ways horror nerds (those that dug Troma especially) got their nocturnal trash movie fix. They showed everything from beach party flicks, horny Teensploitations or Porky-sploitations to mostly censored slashers (sad trumpet). But, Hey that's the kind of shit we had to endure back then in the pre-internet world of flipping a squiggled Playboy channel back and forth in order to possibly catch a glimpse of titty. They were served up by two hosts, the very attractive bubbly Rhonda Shear and the ear punishing perpetually squinting Gilbert Gottfried. Before that we had Commander USA (who played the same flicks but on his own separate show). All of these guys were influenced by Ghoulardi, Svengoolie, Elvira, Ron "The Ghoul" Swede and Zacherely. Modern day horror hosts sort of continue on in an underground level like Creepy Kofy Movie Time. It's a grand tradition that's sort of bit the dust and is strictly a product of nostalgia just like everything on this site, get why we're suspending the usual pap for this special interruption, good let's move onto the review.

NO, I'll tell you when I've had enough!
I'm starting off with a movie that attempts to crossbreed Airplane with Police Academy. Is it a success, well read on and we'll all find out together.

fly the horny skies

I'm fairly certain I saw this on Skin-A-Max in the days when you'd stay up all night with your pants down hoping to muster up enough material to metaphorically (or biologically) lift off! No
such luck with this flick however. There are a few boner killers stopping you in your tracks, the first being Judy "Never Nude" Landers. We've discussed her medical disorder at length before in reviews for Dr. Alien and Hellhole. She's posed seductively on a motorcycle on the VHS box cover to entice the viewer, oh how nice of her. Man, this review is sounding extra pervy, already I feel like Dennis Reynolds, so let me attempt to class it up slightly more if I can (actually I probably can't, so just ride it out).

Sandahl "Conan the Barbarian" Bergman who I used to think of as attractive is also present. I'm not gonna sit here and punish the 13 yr. old I was in the mid 80's, who was so virile that sometimes the same effect of a softcore flick would happen during a lusty episode of Hollywood Squares or a Police Academy sequel, although I'm kind of ashamed to admit it. No judging allowed because we're all guilty of rubbing one out to Rhonda Shear and you can't deny it, that would be total bullshit!

Look out for the Spaceballs twins who talk in unison and Donny Most ripping a pork fried rice fart in a crowded elevator as the jumping off point of some bad comedy hijinks! Besides Happy Days, Most voiced the overly spoiled dickhead Eric on the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon, man I hate that they gave him my name! Re watching this movie now I realize that I never saw anything other than bits and pieces of this goony sex comedy and so far it's a gas (literally)! There are so many celebs to gawk at here like Dennis Burkley otherwise known as Cal, the fat dude from Sandford playing what else, but a belligerent beer swilling porker named Snake.

This Cal is gonna gut you and eat your entrails

Sandal Bergman is Wanda a female wrestler who oddly enough is straight. Her amphitheater audience looks a lot like all of the bikers and hobo misfits that Pee Wee met in his Big Adventure movie.
Just like in Police Academy, they establish all the wacky characters before they arrive at the school. I almost feel like they had the Neil Israel script, crossed shit out and rewrote it in an airline setting.

G.L.O.W always stood for Gay ladies of wrestling, OK?

Wendy Jo Sperber from Bossom Buddies and Back to the Future is not amused by Betty Childs (Julia Montgomery) from Revenge Of The Nerds being all pro stewardess. I've always had a crush on her for some reason and was pretty shocked to find out that Wendy Jo died of breast cancer at 47.

Judy Landers looks super hot as usual and even bends over to show off her panties to the sweaty dean who fumbles through a speech. Michael Cullen's character wears these hideous Coke bottle glasses for some unknown reason ( I wonder if there's commentary on the DVD because they need explaining). Once again Landers sexes it up but keeps everything on. She almost gives William Bogert, the actor from the Clayton Bigsby Frontline David Chappelle sketch a heart attack by bending all the way over. All the women in this movie are really attractive and the comedy is offensive enough but not in bad taste.

Pardon me would you happen to have a mint, my breath is stinky

I just watched another USA staple Hamburger: The Motion Picture that may possibly have the dumbest college idea this side of Trump U (which sadly is real). A school that teaches you skills a high school dropout could master. Apparently they are genuine stewardess school's so this is basically a documentary.


There's a weird funny slightly disturbing scene where they deal with fictional scenarios of irate passengers like a little kid who after getting asked how he'd like the nuts on his sunday crushed. He spits back how would you like your tits shot off and one guy is called "assbreath" and even checks to confirm.
The mock scenarios are really far fetched and pretty entertaining or are they? Maybe this movie inspired some chuckleheads to go hog wild in reality like Gerald Finneran (read more about this drunk airplane pooper here).

Eh, Eh, I'm not over compensating for a tiny penis or anything

Ralph Malph gets all rapey trying to play hide the salami with any girl who has a pulse (he even carries a salted meat stick around for laffs), but gets denied a lot. Dennis Burkley makes a reappearance at a frat party and aggressively spikes the punch, he looks like he's wearing the same biker outfit from Mask. I wonder if they asked him to appear on Sons Of Anarchy and he turned it down out of too much self respect! Turkey (Alan Rosenberg) from The Wanderers plays a terrorist who looks like the caricature from The Anarchist Cookbook.

We're thinking of adopting

The most offensive part of the movie is when a hysterical passenger having a panic attack is calmed down by way of Judy landers mouth skills, I guess if it works for Laura Gemser it would work in this situation! This movie is alot of fun, it's dumb crude and pretty forgettable but what did you expect?


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