Monday, October 31, 2016

Class Reunion Massacre (Aka The Redeemer)

 Class Reunion Massacre (Redeemer: Son of Satan!) Directed By Constantine S. Gochis (which seems made up) 1976.

80's horror fans are constantly battling over this debate, who started the first slasher! Is it Mario Bava, in my estimation it is, he's been plagiarized by Sean Cunningham that's for sure! This prophetic movie has a lot of the Friday the 13th themes of Catholic ultra conservative vengeance against all teens that were unfortunate to have gone to this dumb school and subsequent reunion. Terror Train, another one of my fav slashers also stole from this flick, used the same various disguises angle to confuse the audience. The Redeemer is an odd duck to say the least and has a day job as a minister, some people are able to leave their work at home but not this wacko. He’s out donning various dollar store masks and murdering sinners, my memory is fuzzy but wasn’t that the same subplot as Master of Disguise with Dana Carvey?

It's mildly fascinating how the writer and director never went onto anything else, maybe they were run out of town trying to sue the shit out of the Voorhees lawyers who knows? History was obviously against them and their little known slasher wasn’t referenced in Wes Craven’s Scream at all, some film nerds don’t dig deep enough.

The music is seriously trippy, like Saucer Full of Secrets era Floyd or Bobby Beausoleil's Lucifer Rising, Death Waltz or Waxworks records should release this on colored vinyl. When the slayings get rolling they play these ear shrieking synth tones that sound like the Screen Gems theme if the composer sat on the keys and blasted out a bunch of Atari noises!

we all got chubbies for school spirit!

I've read a lot of reviews of this film and most critics are baffled by the ending, I'm not even sure if I understand what's going on either. Stick with it though, it's surreal and very bizarre just don’t look for closure. The symbolism of two thumbs on one hand and the mutant child returning to the watery hellish depths, what does it mean? I think it's just there to confuse people. Greg Goodsell told me that it started off in another direction.
An overly long shot on a pristine lake is the first image we see, a strange boy emerges from it, hmmm sounds familiar right---did every slasher rip this movie off or what?
A second thumb erupts from the boy’s hand, man he could use some of that Handi-off that removes unwanted digits.

Everything has that spooky glare that reminds me of the harrowing "Sister Christian" video by Night Ranger (well maybe only I thought it was scary).

An unseen killer ices the school janitor than gets all hand crafty and creates a death mask.
A dick head preacher delivers a threatening sermon while someone else sets up all the traps for the Morse academy students to fall into.

There's something very ominous about this slasher flick that draws you in and got an unfair blow off in the Horror Handbook as “nuthin special”. The hidden creeper’s hand targets all kids for their sins (one is gluttony) and they show a fat guy at a shake shack. You hear that tubby, eating popcorn in the theater watching this, you're next! One sin is even lesbianism, man how out of date, get with the times psycho!
All the characters talk about how exciting their class reunion is gonna be, I mean really, if you're stoked about returning to high school you deserve all the punishment you get!

Nick Rivers totally elated to not be trapped in high school

There's two white guys with fros who have that smarmy unlikeability that Jeff from Pink Lady and Jeff fame has.
Just like the killer in Terror Train, he keeps changing his face to fool everyone than sneaks up on them when they least expect it.
One spooky disguise he wears look like the unwanted spawn of Danny Devito and Artemis from Sunny.
He even shows up as the grim reaper as promised on the Trans world entertainment big box cover. The only actor who worked again was Jeannetta Arnette and she ended up on Head of the Class but avoided the slimy grasp of Howard Hessman.

Troll Toll.... What you Say??

There is one scene that I almost didn’t believe really happened, it involves a puppet and a blow torch. The redeemer has one disguise where he just wears and oversized novelty mustache and seems to have evil animatronic pals like Dr. Phibes, who as we all know delves out Hebrew justice not Christian style, that’s just too out there man! This was released by Code Red apparently but as most collectors know that means it’s either a total rip off or out of print. There’s always Youtube though, go out of your way to check it out. 2 big thumbs up!

Randy from Pee Wees playhouse as Bob Ginty in The Exterminator 3.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016


Roboforce (I Love Maria, Tie jia wu di Ma Li Ya) Directed by David Chung and Tsui Hark (uncredited) starring John Sham, Sally Yeh, and Tsui Hark (1988)

-Reviewed by Richard Glenn Schmidt

I first read about this film in Sex and Zen & a Bullet in the Head by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins. It got stuck somewhere in the back of my head and almost completely forgotten until I saw this trailer. Needless to say, the intriguingly-titled Roboforce AKA I Love Maria jumped to the top of my list of things I needed to check out immediately. I don’t know much about cinematographer turned director David Chung other than his films sound pretty cool, especially Web of Deception (1989). And how much directing Hong Kong film industry legend Tsui Hark actually did on this, I have no idea. Anyway, let’s see what we got here!

An intrepid reporter named T.Q. (Tony Chiu Wai Leung) tries to get the scoop while the police are trying to stop a terrorist group called the Hero Gang from stealing a shipment of gold from a bank. This evil gang is using their unstoppable mecha called Pioneer I to make off with the loot. After nearly getting killed by Pioneer I, T.Q. meets Curly (John Sham), a weapons designer for the police who is too brilliant for his own good. His designs are so efficient and innovative that his colleagues hate him and cockblock his career. While drowning his sorrows in a bar, Curly meets Whisky (Tsui Hark), a down on his luck drunk that he has to rescue from getting beaten to death by some toughs. Whisky is a former stooge of the Hero Gang and his chance encounter with Curly makes his former colleagues want to kill him.

Don’t laugh, it looked cool on Gundam Wing

Meanwhile, the paranoid leader of the Hero Gang named Savior (Ben Lam) is questioning the loyalty his right hand lady Maria (Sally Yeh). He’s designed a robot named Pioneer II that looks like her and is constantly threatening to replace her if she screws up. Maria sends Pioneer II out to kill Whisky but he and Curly manage to disable and reprogram her to help them survive all this crazy shit. Double meanwhile, The Master (Ching-Ying Lam) one of the Hero Gang is a double agent trying to help out Curly and Whisky and bring an end to Savior’s reign of terror. I’m not even kidding right now, this is about 10% of this film’s fucking crazy plot.

My high school journalism club didn’t prepare me for this

I expected another overwhelming steamroller of insanity from the heyday of Hong Kong cinema and oh brother, I was NOT disappointed. Neither the kooky slapstick nor the ridonk action ever let up. With an infectious energy and a baffling storyline, Roboforce is never boring, that’s for sure! This contains so many varieties of HK weirdness even beyond what the writers and directors intended that I’m going to go ahead and say that the crew behind this film were dangerously insane. Just like other classic kitchen sink titles from this time period, Roboforce keeps upping the ante. The writers just keep throwing more and more awesome bullcrap at the audience and honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way. If you dig either The Heroic Trio or Wicked City (both from 1992) then you’ll be in good company here.

Nobody interupts Lord Humungous when he's tryin to jerk it to Passion of the Christ!

One thing I love about this era of science fiction movies are the attempts at live action mecha. With the utterly weird Gunhed from Japan and the awkward as fuck Robot Jox from the good old US of A (and both released in 1989), it’s no surprise that this trend didn’t take off. I’m going to play the old fuddy duddy card but I gotta say, the pre-CGI days were just so magical, for realsington. The pure craftsmanship that went into making this insane shit come to life is just breathtaking, especially when it’s hilariously stupid.


The similarities between Roboforce and Robocop (1987) don’t end with the theme of what it means to be human and all that jazz, it also extends to liberally borrowing sound effects! The Pioneer 1 growls just like ED-209. It’s shameless! When something as unique as Robocop comes out and fries the collective unconscious of the movie industry, there’s bound to be reverberations in the form of blatant rip-offs. This is wildly better than the broken masterpiece of Robo Vampire (1988) which can’t be judged the way normal films are judged thanks to its utter incompetence.

Asian Bobcat Goldthwait

Composer Romeo Díaz brings the cheese but I ain’t complainin’. This score sounds like cheap and tinny MIDI garbage but it also kind of makes me think that Díaz put a hell of a lot of work into it to keep things from getting stale. Atmospheric synthesizer blasts and what sounds like final boss music from a video game are exactly what the cybernetic doctor ordered.

Yes, I’m aware that this looks like metal vagina.

My only regret is that I didn’t see this film when I was 12 years old and that should give you an idea as to the kind of mindset you’ll need to get into to enjoy this one as much as I did. Even back in the day, I might have lost my dang mind during the chase scene where everyone takes to the trees Tarzan-style and swings through the forest shooting at each other. Surprisingly, there’s also an emotional core to Roboforce as these losers and their crazy, mixed up robot end up being accidental heroes. I actually cared about what happens to these morons.

See you in the sequel! What’s that? Oh. Never mind.

Monday, October 17, 2016

The Worm Eaters

 photo wormeat.jpg
[check out Paul J. Zamarelli's VHS Collector site]

The Worm Eaters Directed and Starring Herb Robbins (1977). 

I'm completely repulsed that they've finally unveiled the secret of this disgusting underground society. There's a few famous members like those Mopey twins from the Kids in the Hall and Andrew Zimmern. Make no mistake this is a fetish film, we see wrigglers slithering in and about girls open mouths, I'd imagine certain people will find this boner-iffic! Not me however I'm a regular meat and potatoes joe lunch pail when it comes to sex. 

I didn't mean to turn you on, by that I mean me.

The credit sequence which looks like a hideous coloring book with crayon scrawlings of worms on a hotdog over the American flag, has that famous "Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates me" song on kazoo. Mikels, who from what Psychotronic has told us is a wife collecting Mormon but maybe he's also into vermiphillia. Or deriving sexual gratification from slimy or buggy things doing the wild rumpus on your genitals. Be warned only twisted weirdos aka regular TOG readers should venture further.

Makin America Eat Shit Again!

It starts off at a party. Ursula a bratty like twerp tears open her birthday cake to find a bunch of brown wrigglers then everyone at the party scatters Benny Hill style. That's not even the beginning of the bad comedy or acting that's abhorrent. We don't see any of these characters later so put them out of your mind. 

A dude named Herb Robbins wrote, acted and directed this film. Robbins cut his teeth in the schlocky B-movie circuit and was in R.D. Steckler flicks like The Lemon Grove Kids, Tobe Hooper's Funhouse and weirdest of all Convoy with Ernest Borgnine as Dirty Lyle (he's one of the barflies lurking in the back). So as you watch him act like an offensive methed out stereotypical homeless immigrant, keep in mind that he had a career and possibly made a living!  

Can't I just masturbate in private?

I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to tackle this film from the illustrious Deep Red catalog but this new Crackle style app on Roku called Tubeit-tv has a copy, so I'm checking it out! I hate how all these apps force you to watch the same commercials over and over. I miss the old days of searching through stacks of videos to find an obscure trashy movie--the future sucks! OK, enough of my bitching, back to the review.

Herman, the main worm farmer looks like a soiled homeless cracker in crusty overalls. He has a thick nondescript Euro-accent and is really gross and unlikeable. He talks to the night crawlers that hide in his socks and slither around on his neck while he's driving. This movie is bat-shit crazy!! There's this Miss Yvonne type redhead who delivers gobbledygook lines--I mean I had no idea what she was saying! She might've been speaking clear as a bell English, but my ears couldn't interpret it. Herman obviously tricks people into eating live worms, that's basically the gimmick here. I almost horked out my dinner as I watched this disgusto-thon! I have a pretty low tolerance for watching mouths stuffed with real earthworms, it's so fucking revolting, I was even haunted by it later and it pissed me off as I attempted to enjoy a meal! So--Yes, this movie works to upset your stomach. 

That's nuthin compared to that time when I queefed on Chairry

Herman's pests mostly cause women to choke and die because apparently no one in this town bothered to learn the heimlich. These three women go on and on about hot dogs for some reason, maybe they love the flavor of ground up hog anus over worms. And what's even worse is that once they chow down they don't die, they become the matted skid marked protagonist's humanoid fish bait slaves (or worm people). Herman makes fun of some hippies trying to protest and most of the citizens around town attempt to bring the comedy but it's totally devoid of any real laughs, it's just fucked up and confusing.

I keep telling you we gotta special order that Japanese rape tentacle porn mag you wanted!

The only thing I could sort of compare it to might be if H.G. Lewis and Nick Zedd collaborated but that sounds better than this bullshit! Eventually his victims transform into giant worms. But why does this movie exist at all, it's giving me a migraine wondering who would respond to this, maybe creeps who enjoy sneaking horrifying shit into people's food and get off on that. When the women turn into annelids, they chitter a sound like Cousin Itt.

I love See Fooood!

Greg Goodsell claims there's a subplot concerning small town politics, he knows his shit and maybe I was too busy barfing into a patented "Howard Scott Up Chuck Cup" to pay attention. All week anytime I tried to enjoy my meal all I would think about was close-ups of people gulping down fried chicken with worms slithering around in their lips--BLAAARRGGHHHHH! If this sounds like a masturbatory trigger for you then by all means go out of your way to see it, just stay away from me! If you wished and dreamed that scene in Pink Flamingoes where Divine eats poodle shit and chomps open mouthed was played over and over again then this is the movie for you!

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