Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Devil Fetus

Devil Fetus (Mo Tai) Directed by Hung-Chuen Lau. Starring Yung-Chang Chin (1983) 
Review By Goat Scrote
This move will sit on your chest, unzip its pants, and blast its gloopy awesomeness all over your face. It’s a schlocky Asian horror flick that features some pretty bizarre behavior, acceptable splashes of gore and grue, some genuinely entertaining special effects, and a great deal of slapstick.
A colorful auction of magical treasures presents young bride Suk Jing with a thrilling opportunity: The opportunity to purchase a jade vase with a big mushroom head and a thick, hard shaft. Hey, I can hear your thoughts… please, let’s not stoop to tawdry, culturally insensitive jokes, you misogynistic, sex-obsessed racists. You assume just because this is an Asian film it’s all going to be full of weird sex, but I’ll have you know that Suk is a good girl, and she would never… what the... no way…  the “vase” really is exactly what it looks like! She takes it home to cuddle with, and it turns out to be the most amazing sex-toy ever. She falls asleep with the vase in her lap, and out pops a man-shaped slime demon that rocks her vag like never before. That vase is a thick mofo, and soon all Suk wants to do is take naps with her magic dildo.
Dildo not an actual Devil Fetus related product
 Her annoying nephews steal the vase. The moderately annoying kids wonder why she likes it so much. Well, let’s see… it’s about a foot long, thicker than my wrist, has a base so it stands on its own, it’s ribbed for her pleasure, and it has a shiny sticky crust that reeks of sex and brimstone.
Suk gets her love-toy back, but her boyfriend/husband/whatever witnesses some sloppy slime-demon lovin’. A jealous rage leads him to bust open the vase, causing him to become possessed. Awesome maggots under the skin special effect follows, and then boyfriend or whoever – he’s been on-screen all of 30 seconds -- kills himself rather than live with his hideous new visage.
Ms. Suk begins experiencing symptoms of the sexually transmitted parasitic infection known as pregnancy. The ghost of her boyfriend, or maybe husband… it’s still sort of unclear… shows up and  complains about worms. Jing is then murdered by a housecat. Moral of our tale: Cats are sneaky, have long memories, and know just how to seize the right moment. Give them what they want or else.
In the coffin at the funeral Suk’s dead belly continues to swell with her demon offspring. The cute little critter pops out Alien-style, but a quick-thinking priest banishes it and the funeral continues like nothing happened. The priest leaves behind a charm that contains their wandering ghosts.
The end.
Hah, of course not. Shit goes seriously wrong and a whole lot of people die. Fast forward to nephews again, now in their late teens, staying with Uncle Fuk – seriously, stop making fun of their culture, it’s ancient and beautiful. The nephews are Bobby and Ken at first, but later it’s Wai and Ken. I think. I had a little trouble keeping track. Anyway, enter JoJo the sexy god-daughter of someone or other. The characters don’t have a very clear idea what the relationship is and don’t much care once they establish that whatever happens it won’t be incest.
Attack Puppets!
JoJo and Bobby are idiots and they manage to screw up the magic charm holding back the devil fetus. The family dog eats a burnt prayer scroll. Awesomely cheesy disco music ensues. Wormy birthday cake vomit. Two random white people make out, and the devil dog horns his way into the action. Dog attacks Ken, gets killed with a sword. JoJo gets drenched in dog blood. Party ruined. A group takes the dog out back to bury it, but it shoots glowing mojo out of its eyes into Wai.
Somewhere along the way a car gets possessed, sneaks up on somebody, and eats them. Meanwhile, Wai is keeping the dog corpse under his bed, and he tears it open to have a little snack. Uh… yum? Next he dresses up like a woman and masturbates. He tries to kill JoJo in the pool, but just one scene later everyone has decided to ignore Wai’s sudden taste for homicide. I guess that cry for help wasn’t extreme enough. Next Wai attacks the family maid and rapes her… but when the family breaks into the room, there’s no one there. Spoooooky! When we catch up with them later, Wai is busy fucking/eating (!!) the corpse of the maid, which has replaced the dog snack he kept under his bed.
For my next trick I'm gonna play this dog bladder like a saxophone!
The priest discovers that eagle blood is the key to victory. He casts a spell to throw out the demon, and it takes notice. Epic sorcery battle follows. Dolls with swords and a variety of awesome special effects. Wizard sprays Wai with eagle’s blood, but – oh crap! – nothing happens. He has underestimated the power of the devil fetus.
The priest-wizard flees into the night and gets swallowed into the ground. The demon is now free to really party. Dad gets crushed in a collapsing room. Mom gets attacked by furniture. . Wai swills an entire bottle of gin, just for the hell of it. JoJo and whatshisname come home and she gets slimed by the rapist demon monster in the basement. Ken attempts to swordfight demon Wai, who has magic powers… but all of Grandma’s praying has finally paid off. She shows up with a jar of eagle blood… and what do you know, this time it works, good conquers evil.
                Definitely a worthwhile watch if you can track it down.
Party like a Devil Fetus!
Why Yes I do wear sophisticated Devil Fetus cologne

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...