Malpertuis

Malpertuis (Legend of Doom House) Directed Harry Kumel, Starring Mathieu Carriere (1971).

This is the very last DVD that tanked Barrel Entertainment. You know the company founded by the Xerox Ferox author John Szpunar. I saw it get returned by a creepy beret wearing man who often returns cult movies they bought and brought back. 

Malpertuis starts off on a high note during this brothel scene of light up titties and German debauchery. The language spoken is Dutch. There are tons of dirty seamen---ahem---I mean sailors looking for drinks and to get laid. The makeup and production design reminded me of Fassbinder's work. The director Harry Kumel also made Daughter of Darkness (71), I love that film because of its tone and eerie fuzzed soundtrack. In this very Germanic/Dutch scene a "Lilly Von Stup" type sings Bawdy songs in English. I think I prefer the title The Legend of Doom House it sounds like a drive-in flick. 

YAY BOOBIES!

The camera work during the dance floor fight is channeling 60's Batman. Jan the main blonde sailor looks heavily made up and androgynous. Jan is played by Mathieu Carriere. Uncle Cassavius is played by an extra chunky and withered Orson Welles. They are all waiting for him to die but bring up revolting food items and a taxidermy rat statue. There’s also a stuffed monkey, vulture and most of the characters want Orson to die already like Tr—-p. 

  

Steve Bannon and I share a dermatologist.

There’s lots of melodramatic wailing over the clause of the will. I won’t spoil it in this review. The visuals are like a Czech film. It’s odd to me that this was released by Barrel, considering half of their catalog is Jorg Buttgereit titles but obviously they saw something in this work. Maybe this was Roger Watkin's jam and that’s why they chose this sleeper. Watkins was into high-brow shit like Kurt Vonnegut. It’s a bit of a slog and it felt like a school project viewing. 

I'm like school in the summer time: a no class filthy whore.

All the painted doll like women are after "Jan the androgynous" to marry him so they can please Orson's character. There’s lots of peepholes and hidden bookcases like Scooby Doo. Jan stumbles onto a lab with dead things in jars of water (which reminds me of Nekromantik 1987).Could this have influenced Buttgereit's career, perhaps. 

pickled babies yum....

This squat little man explains the frog corpses in jars by saying “He wanted to make the world a better place” Gee where have I heard that before", from Silicon Valley so you know it’s bad! After an hour and 25 mins we see full bush nudity from Jan’s beard I mean bride! There’s a disappearing snake needle point scene, very odd. The worst part is that I kept looking at the time through out this foreign film. 

When Bets aka the nightclub singer finds Jan he reminded me of a battered Charley Bucket from Willy Wonka (1971, which came out the same year)! This movie has got some phantasmagoric imagery but is still pretty lifeless and unimportant. 

WATCH ONLY IF YOU HAVE TO WRITE A RESEARCH PAPER OTHERWISE GO FOR SATAN'S BREW OR FOX & HIS FRIENDS BY FASSBINDER.

Are we Mr. Rogers characters!

fancy a snog?

the edible just hit.

The Inspector Wears Skirts

 

The Inspector Wears Skirts (Top Squad) Directed by Wellson Chin 1988.

Cynthia Rothrock aka the female Chuck Norris early in her career did mucho kick ass buddy cop flicks, this one starts off with exploding ninjas and an impressive choreographed battle. 

When you see that Golden Harvest logo it means there’s a high percentage you will be pleased. The slipcover art is impressive. The skirt unit are an illite fighting team training their butts off for something, it’s not clear yet. 

campfire circle jerk?

The girls in the bunker talk about urine. This movie has lots of toilet humor and for some odd reason Nazi jokes!! The subs are very different from the English language version. 

Ricky Lau from Mr. Vampire shows up as a lunch worker. He gives one girl he deems over weight a raw egg. Ohh shit----it’s an old school roller rink where one dude with a ball-cap screams Heil Hitler! I have no idea why? 

The egg represents your ovaries

The Nazi wears overalls too, I thought I’d mention this. There’s more off-putting poop talk. We are in the clutches of a Golden Harvest production so we’re not safe! Wow---we’re treated to a rockabilly musical number as kids dance and clap. 

Rockabilly is thee real "Devil's Music"

The girls say Yes, Madam to their superior which reminds me where’s Cynthia? And also there’s a series of films with Michele Yeoh and Ms. Rothrock that carries that title. 

She's not your fuggin punching bag dude!

I feel bad for this Amy character played by Sandra Ng. The Nazi who dresses like a 4 yr old plays slap fight with her and busts the poor gal's lip. It’s all in good hijinx or the comedic timing of SKIRTS.

Heil Mayor McSleaze

The all girl squad look down on individualism which is fucked up. Amy and the Nazi loser hit the dance floor. That’s right we’re in a nightclub now. Coke is definitely a sponsor, the beverage not the stimulant. The girl's attack a cheater and scar his hand with a heated up metal pipe. 

SWOON!

Rothrock returns after an hour! She shows up wearing acid washed denim. They reveal her character name as Madam Law. 

CAUTION REAL FLAMES!

There’s a goofy Police Academy training montage. It’s pervy but there’s no nudity, it’s violent but in a comedic way. I recommend watching the English language dub because the dialogue is very entertaining (it differs vastly from the subs). If you liked this one there are 4 sequels to look forward to. Shing Fui-On the actor from Blue Jeans Monster appears as a thug. The last battle has a blonde guy who does "monkey style" kung-fu. The fight choreography is fuggin wonderful!

It's streaming on Tubi and 88 Films offers the physical media blu-ray with extras. I watched the interview with Rothrock (who still looks stunningly beautiful currently).  

2026 the fall of Amerikkka

 Here we go descending into madness that was 2025 but we're in a whole New Year! VS is churning out Warner Archive shit in dazzling hefty slipcovers w fancy new art. So re-buy it you bitch hog and fund cult movies on physical media. This year I'm going to create more and fear less. The End is nigh or is it? The Orange buffoon's reign of terror can't last forever, he will perish like so much congealed McDonalds lard slithering down the drain.

CLEAN THE GRILL WITH YER FACE YA PEDO KKKLOWN!

When I wrote for Monster and WC there was a no politics rule but that was pre 2016. I've always been a lefty (figuratively and literally), it's my Psychotronic Video influence. After I stopped reading MRR, I noticed the Michael Weldon publication devoted to Bird is the Word and Ghoulardi worship starting to alienate its own readers. Right wing people took offense at the jabs toward W./ Cheney/ Rumsfeld's enhanced interrogation bullshit. And here we are now in 2026 these idiots are attempting to trigger armageddon,

 YES! We were warned the 80's class war would return if we elected Pepe the frog/ aka washed up reality show con meme Orange festering hemorrhoid. Maybe it was prophesied like in Nightbreed or the Omen, somehow I couldn't stop it even if I tried. Did the public listen to the warning signs in all the movies we devoured mentally or were we distracted by everything to even think or escape? Probably. Is it too late, no, I don't believe so.

So far the raddest thing about 2026 to me is how Shaw Brothers gore flicks (which we reviewed on all sorts of dingy back alley formats) keep popping up with proper releases. Boxer's Omen, Seeding of a Ghost, Hex after Hex, Bewitched, Oily Maniac and Black Magic 1&2. The one I'm really dreaming to one day see restored is The Rape After (which is Golden Harvest). The Shaw Bros titles are also streaming on Shudder which is cool that they are exposing others to global Asian gore. 

Sorry I have been struggling with writers block and thinking of abandoning this blog but I put so much of my guts into it. I plan on forcing myself to write and create more to drown out the misery that is life during these dark times. My hope is that people will throw away this MAGA cult and get mental help. The whole nation is suffering under the tyrannical cankle of a thin skinned baby with tiny hands and an even more minuscule penis.

So there's no real review here, just a welcome message for the new year. Last year so many terrible things happened personally to me in my life. I need to exorcize these demons and bad vibes for good.