Monday, March 25, 2013

Lady Terminator

Lady Terminator (The Nasty Hunter or Queen Of The South Coast Of Vengeance) Directed By H. Tjut Djalili (aka Jalil Jackson). Starring Barbara Anne Constable (1989).
   It starts off with a Martin Sheen like voice over that says "The past should gather dust in recorded time". And lots of waves crash against a sex castle! What's that you say? What's a sex castle? just a castle that contains a venomous  superhorny seawitch, who can use her kegel muscles to crush your peen to smithereens!

Vagina muscles activate!
   Like an Indonesian Ilsa She Wolf of The SS, no man can satisfy her and live, some white dude accomplishes the impossible long enough for a snake to crawl away from her poon and turn into a knife!! The seawitch is so pissed off, that she swears revenge and vows to return as an asskicking leatherclad cyborg she-bitch in the future! 
Lady Robocop?
   Lady Terminator by itself is very original with siren mythology and witchcraft, did they need to re-enact a shot for shot re-eneactment of James Cameron's landmark film, YES! Of course they fucking did!! That's what makes this film so incredible! 
   An 80's playmate looking Anthropologist (Tania Wilson, played by Barbara Anne Constable) visits a dusty old library to start a thesis on the South Sea Queen. Barbara is very attractive, in real life she was a model from England, who appeared in Australian Penthouse, Yowza!
   She hops on a boat in a black bikini with a drunk captain who looks like a grizzled William Marshall. She's takes her research to the sea and after being offended says "I'm not a lady, I'm an Anthropologist"!  
  While down under scuba diving, she disappears, then reemerges strapped to a bed spread eagle as a magical snake slithers up her vagina (through her bikini, by the way)! 
I remember fondly when the same thing happened to Schwarzenegger (wait, that was something else)!
   Ok now comes the point where the film starts to re-create The James Cameron original. She encounters two "Americanized" punks who creatively swear and say outlandish things like "I should marry my fist, I use it so much"! These are some choice lines of dialogue. 
   She has sex with both of them and is now equipped with a part snake, part vagina that chews up dicks! Blue lightning starts flying out of her eyeballs and around the room, she is in full possession mode as the Sea queen's revenge takes over! 
Don Imus to the rescue
   I love over dubbed fake Americans in Foreign films, and LT has tons of them, all saying ridiculous lines! A popstar named Ericka shows up (she looks like a more attractive Asian Vanity). Her and a friend are chased around by Lady T in a mall and she kills a couple of women in the bathroom, she mysteriously has robot vision and uses an uzi. 
   It turns out Ericka is related to the defeater of The Sea Witch from the beginning and Lady Terminator is killing anyone attached to her. There's a massacre at a disco as LT keeps getting blasted with shotguns over and over and keeps getting up. Someone on the dance floor even says "Come with me If you want to live", that Iconic Terminator line and I swear, some of this was slightly borrowed for T2, but don't let James Cameron know! 
Another Eunuch! Ouch!
   Ericka hooks up with a fake Michael Biehn, well not really, he's just a regular cop and they get into a high speed chase with tons of gunfire. 
   Later on his stoned buddies show up, one of them named Snake has a processed mullet and a voice like a Ninja Turtle! 
   Lady Terminator smashes through the police station, cutting people in half with her car and pouring bullets into people wearing riot squad gear! 
Yum, Shredded Pork
   Ericka's grandfather shows up and attempts to destroy the sea witch with magic, but Lady Terminator turns his crotch into shredded pork! 
   There's an eye surgery scene that only exists to emulate the original Terminator! 
   After she is firebombed, her skin gets flayed off and she looks like a mummy with barbecued skin and hair and can shoot red lasers out of her eyeballs! Lady Terminator is a must see film and should be on those 1000 movies to see before you die lists, it's that amazing!! Check out this awesome interview with the star of the film! Here
Highly Recommended, a bonafide must see classic!
Barbecued Laser Cats

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