Monday, April 28, 2014

Messalina Messalina

Messalina, Messalina (Caligula 2, Empress Of Rome,) Directed By Bruno Corbucci, Starring Anneka Di Lorenzo (1977).
There has been alot of dull garbage in the catalog lately, I'm basically scrapping the bottom of the barrel now. I'm not too worried because there's always more scum and remnants of good trash to be unearthed. Plus there are many other sources and catalogs (Threat Theatre, Mondo Macabro, Gore Gazette, Psychotronic, SWV, etc.) with goodies that fit in with the exploitation film circuit or stuff in league with all the Deep Red laserdiscs dubbed onto VHS tapes. It has the potential to last for years, so fear not dear readers!

Video Pirates Inspire me to dig deeper into the vaults and find something better

   I've never cared for the Sword and Sandal scene or Peplums and this film does not change my mind at all. It's pretty corny, there are alot of unfunny jokes, nudity (that doesn't enhance any shred of your enjoyment) and maybe 10 minutes of blood shed. I'd say this is tailor made for those with a historical boner for Caligula-Mania and all related Greek accessories.
   So who was Valeria Messalina anyhow? She was an insatiable slut who used political power against her gullible husband Claudius. Her sexuality was an instrument of embarrassment (which seems impossible in the lusty, fuck-anything-that-moves state of Rome)! For her attempt at tricking a partner into joining up and overthrowing Claudius' rule, she was stabbed to death.
   Even for a Western Civilization story, this doesn't seem like a choice subject for anyone, let alone an accomplished director like Bruno Corbucci to tackle. But maybe I just don't get it! Or perhaps it should remain a forgotten mistake by all involved!
   It starts off like a Mel Brooks production of Greek tragedy, only if the script was written by the guy at the craft services table instead. Tomas Millian, the main actor in many impressive Italian Police Action flicks and Spaghetti Westerns is wasted here. The credits actually mention a disclaimer that says the Bob Guccioni Caligula set was used without consent!
The dubbing is very goofy in Messalina, as the empress of Rome has her centurions out measuring penis sizes and capturing slaves for her to screw around with.
   The actor who plays Claudius (Vittorio Caprioli) is all wrong, he farts a lot and if I was five I doubt I'd even think this was funny.
   Tiberius Narcissus is another featured historical character that hangs around doing nothing important. When Messalina has sex with her first chosen stud, she and her husband bicker at each other in a very 70's unfunny/ miserable fashion like the LockHorns comic strip or the Ropers (on Three's Company) if they had sex.

My Queen, shall I set up more board meetings?
   There's almost as many scenes of dull congressional meetings as in The Phantom Menace!
Tomas Millian, who plays a brash loud mouthed hunchback with an afro, most likely hung out on the set to score some hot babes or was hard up for the money!
Claudius watches the hunchback insult the Empress, dressed incognito among the slaves. This part was mildly interesting, considering that he would spy on his wife out in the village.

I need to hitch a ride on an eagle to fly me out of this shitty movie

   Corbucci is out of his element and the only explanation I can think as to why he took on this production is because he had it out for Tinto Brass. He's not channeling Joe D'Amato or even Bruno Mattei, when he sadly should be, there's a criticism you'll likely to never hear again!
The last thing I watched by the Django director was Aladdin, which was head and shoulders above this Falafel stuffed with turds and shattered glass!
   The immature dopey sense of humor is pretty monotonous, I doubt anyone who hasn't taken a Western Civ. class would even bother sitting thru this junk.
The actress that plays the title character Anneka Di Lorenzo is very attractive, I had seen her in Rape Squad before and oddly enough didn't notice her.

What time is it, time to shut off the movie

   I heard from Psychotronic Video that people were slipping around in pools of blood, but that finally was not worth sticking around for.
   She calls one man who refuses her horny clutches a "faggot" and then has lesbian sex with her own sister, now who's calling the Humus, chick pea dip?
   The usually likeable Millian makes a lot of feces jokes and generally wears out his welcome.
There are zero characters to like or identify with, so it's pretty much a waste of time from beginning till end, like most peplums.

Messalina was the original Kardashian

   The lead actress gets naked a lot, but even if they cleaned up this washed out squiggly Youtube print, the jokes and situations are still tedious and dull as shit.
   It all ends in a bloody battle where severed arms splurt out blood and severed heads are kicked around. It all adds up to nothing however and was a supreme waste of time.


Punishment for giving it a thumbs up

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