Saturday, April 26, 2014

The Last Shark

The Last Shark Directed By Enzo G. Castellari Starring Vic Morrow (1981).
This film opens with an italio-disco ditty crammed with unintelligible lyrics that mention cocaine will mess up your brain as a windsurfer boogies the fuck down. This guy must be a local celebrity because everyone on the beach is cheering him on, even a DJ in a sweet satin jacket. Soon enough it looks like Mike the windsurfer is about to turn into chum because a hungry shark (with zero theme music to warn us) is on the loose. I wonder if Guido and Maurizio (of Oliver Onions infamy) had a song in mind and scrapped it once Spielberg's lawyers came busting down their hacienda.
   The fake Chief Brody (or in this case Peter Benchley--Ahem-- I mean Peter Benton) is played by the star of Beneath The Planet Of The Apes star James Franciscus. Fake Quint (or Ron Hamer) is played by Vic Morrow and there's no Matt Hooper but we do get Al Cliver's disembodied voice actor; Ed Mannix.
PUHLEEZZE! They paid me in Scotch

   A severed "male" arm drifting in a puddle is shown, a fake shark fin tacked on a surfboard and finally a giant shark proof cage is put in place, just in case you forgot this was a bonafide Jaws ripoff. 
Oh yeah and the mayor is panicky because a measly shark (which hasn't made an appearance yet) ate Mike the rocking windsurfer.

Rick Dees is requesting disco duck again

   Obviously this Mike fellow was a big deal, otherwise no one would care. Vic Morrow veers in and out of his comical Irish accent, as he goes through the "Head, the tail, the whole damn thing speech", which sounds very flat and unimpressive. I have a hard time believing William Friedkin or Spielberg even picked up the phone to hear a dial tone, let alone call their team of lawyers to shut down those productions, but apparently this and Abby put a big enough poodle up their butts to provoke a lawsuit!
Please don't play Country Joe & The Fish again

This is the kind of crazy beach that has hippies that live in timeboxes--I still have no idea what that's all about!
   There's zero character development as fake Quint and Brody just hang out with each other and go through the motions of what the "Jaws" people did.

everybody out of the pool, someone dropped their Babyruth

A giant windsurfing competition breaks out like a rash-- I mean we need something for the shark to do! 
   Speaking of carcarion carcarius, the two bit shark looks worse than the cheesy one at Universal! Even the one in Bruno Mattiei's Cruel Jaws was scarier, this one makes Jabberjaw look like an unholy demon fish! They mix in footage of one of the chintziest sharks available and had the actors scream at the camera. 
   Towards the end they finally find some decent shark footage, the one we've all seen on Shark Week, as the mayor decides to fly over in a helicopter and tease the beast with a giant hunk of horse meat. The shark takes down the whole operation and chomps the mayor in half (this is the best part of the movie)!
Gulp, these boots are chewy
The dumbest thing about this flick is how there's never any red water, once a victim is bitten to pieces nothing ever jets out, that's just pure laziness if you ask me. The finale is so retarded, that is goes from unwatchable to essential viewing, don't miss it!


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