Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Beast and the Magic Sword

"in distant times and when all fantasy was possible
the tragic legend of Waldemar Daninsky and his eternal 
curse was born."

-Reviewed by Skunkape-
The Beast and the Magic Sword directed by Paul Naschy  (1983)

 The Beast in the Magic Sword stars Spain's legendary Wolfman Paul Naschy . It has castles,demons, witches, magic, kung fu and boobs but even with all these elements combined it's still a huge bore. I can certainly respect Naschy for his contribution to low budget horror, but here he's got as much screen presence as an ingrown butt hair. No one in this film seems to be having any fun whatsoever with their roles. All the actors deliver their lines like they're in a trance. Maybe Werner Herzog dropped by the set and hypnotized them before working on his own experimental film Heart of Glass.
"My beard is better than your beard!"
  In the year 938 during the residence of the Emperor Otto The Great . Naschy plays a great warrior who does battle with a demonic ogre. After decapitating this monster and oppressor of the people, Otto The Great gives him the choice of anyone of his daughters' hands in marriage and of course he chooses the youngest.(Hey, you would too!) An evil witch and loyal follower of the demon then puts a curse of vengeance on his new pregnant wife.

"I'm gonna skull fuck that bitch!"
Flash forward and we meet the son of the cursed family,Waldemar Daninsky and carrier of the curse . What is that curse, when the moon is full he becomes a werewolf! Waldemar and his woman visit an alchemist who can help. But nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition and they arrive, killing this man for blasphemy. Waldemar may be to late to save this man but he does single-handedly fuck up the Inquisition. The dying alchemist tells him there is one last hope, that he must go to Japan and find Kian () a man who may have the cure. But he will only tell him where to go, if he promises to take his blind assistant along and since his blind assistant is a pretty good-looking woman, he agrees.

Put this with the 7 other heads in Joe Pesci's duffel bag.

"I'm gonna make you howl tonight babe."

"My father was killed by a six fingered werewolf."

 He finds Kian and while being treated for his wolf man illness the moon turns full again and again, he wreaks havoc all throughout these once peaceful lands destroying dojos left and right . The movie may not be as horrible as I first described but it should be so much better, the story was great and the locations are beautifully shot. I'll give you some even more reasons why it sucked though, the fight scenes are horribly choreographed and Naschy's werewolf costume makes him look like a wet puppy with matted fur. One major reason for seeing this film would be when the werewolf is forced to fight a real tiger by an evil sorceress. It's pretty bad ass, but doesn't quite rival Fulci's  zombie versus shark scene in Zombie aka Zombie 2. Maybe it just needed a score by Fabio Frizzi to bring up the tension a little.

4 out 5 Japanese alchemists choose bayer.

Wolfman "Jack"Off

"This is what should of happened in the Life of Pi!"
"Can somebody get me a napkin?"

"Beast and the Magic Sword" is a wasted opportunity. A great idea executed on a completely average level. It certainly wouldn't ruffle my feathers if a remake were announced.

Hardcore Paul Naschy Fans Only

Theater of Guts Tribute Trailer 
A Spanish Werewolf in Japan!

An awesome poster!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...