Saturday, May 10, 2014

Cemetery Of Terror

Cemetery Of Terror (Zombie Apocalypse, Friedhof des Satans) Directed By Ruben Galindo Jr. starring Hugo Stiglitz (1985).

Hugo Stiglitz and Rene Cardona Part III are in this very special Mexican edition of Tales From The Crypt--Oh Wait-- I mean Cemetery Of Terror. I've been encouraged to watch this by someone I trust, who said it was slightly better than The Tomb Sackers. Let's all find out (Cackles in a Vault Keeper fashion).
   Hugo has been in almost every single Rene Cardona Jr. flick, he's his leading man and good luck charm, I guess, depending on your gag reflex. He was also the head honcho in Nightmare City. I read in a Shock Cinema interview with Stuart Whitman about Guyana Cult Of The Damned that Hugo's a nifty interpreter too, when you're stuck in a jam.

I just need to find a Mexican Richard Pryor and I can remake Silver Streak

   Stiglitz plays the disheveled Dr. Camilo Cardan. After a female is savagely attacked in an elevator, he receives a call while half asleep and splayed in a grotesque manor. He sort of looks like an owl with facial hair crossbred with a surly Gene Wilder. His insomnia is caused by a devil on the loose by the name of Devlon (Jose Gomez Parcero). That name reminds me of how in high school, Christian scare propaganda would say if you look at the Dio logo, you can plainly see it spells out devil in the calligraphy or some other horse shit!

Freeze or you're dead, Oh wait!

   A bunch of sexy chicas in heavy makeup lounge by the river, they half mention a hang out at a jet set celebrity party. They end up jet ski-ing instead and later at a spooky house party. 
The film sloppily establishes that it's Halloween night, by showing a kid carving a gourd and some of those cheap Ben Cooper plastic masks are worn. All the dudes are trying to get laid, but get turned down by their girlfriends. One character named Jorge (Servando Manzetti) wears a rad satin jacket with a painted skier on the back and a neckerchief, he looks alot like 80's sitcom actor Christopher Daniel Barnes (Day By Day).

I'll take a beer battered fish taco and provide my own tartar sauce

   Speaking of the 80's, there's some choice fashions to keep your eyes peeled for, like a poster paint Michael Jackson jacket. The kids also carry lit Jack-o-lanterns and hitch a ride to the cemetery in a scary van, I'm guessing Mexican kids have never heard of Adam Walsh or how other kids ended up on milk cartons for lesser fatal mistakes.

You should've listened to Mexican Mcgruff the crime dog
   Upstairs, he discovers the book of Devlon (a crumpled paper mache evil book of spells). 
Next everyone is clamoring to get to the morgue to steal a corpse for a satanic ritual.
   I like how none of the teens argue or say "Hey why aren't we trying to get to first base with our women instead"? They all silently work in accordance to steal Devlon's body and drive it to the haunted house. 

Estoy perdido, donde es el conjunto de Burial Ground (I'm lost, where's the set of Burial Ground)
  Hugo and his driving companion act like Donald Pleasance and that random cop hunting down Michael Myers, they want to cremate Devlon but it's already too late.
The stupid kids wait until after they've invoked the corpse of the evil bastard to return to start humping--which would be the absolute worst time!

What could go wrong, we got a whole case of Pepsi Free

   The Pedazo de mierda fat (fat piece of shit), slaps people around like their faces and insides are made out of wet tissue paper. I mean guts and necks get pried open with little effort, those are some working man hands!
   The little tykes from the beginning, out trick or treating, finally end up at the spooky house where all the teens have been killed (one has an axe stuck in his head).
The kids end up in the cemetery again where the zombies that punch through their graves look suspiciously like the ones in Thriller

This is less scary than a sleep over at Michael Jacksons (R.I.P.)

   I would love it, if Hugo turned around before the credits with giant yellow contact lenses like in Weird Al's Eat It video. But instead he shows up in a stolen police car, just in time to ram a magically rising cemetery gate and some zombies. In Mexico, zombies, like vampires are also afraid of crosses for some reason, that way it saves you a lot of money you'd spend at Walmart buying a gun.
   The whole mess could've been avoided if the teenagers hadn't been satanists in disguise and just burnt the book in the first place. Next time you're on your way to a house party to avoid any senseless murder or human sacrifices, ask your friends if they are Jesus freaks, no matter how embarrassing it may seem-- that's the message I took away from Cemetery Of Terror.
To Be Seen On Heavy Painkillers or other medication!


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