Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Christmas Reviews Part 2

 Silent Night Deadly Night Directed by Chuck Sellier/ Ira Barmak (1980).   
    I decided to throw together a Christmas flick reviews part 2 round up. Goat Scrote is swamped would finals so hopefully he won't mind if I take over! Christmas often to me means stress, a race with the devil to buy everything on time, being broke and then having a massive after holiday depression fit. But since this year, I've been getting into the spirit lately and its getting closer to that time, I wanted to showcase the worst Christmas movies I could think of and the most disturbing. So here goes!
     I've always found Silent night Deadly Night to be one of the most unpleasant horror films and only sat through it once.
    The first time I even heard of it was by way of all the 80's controversy it was steeped in. It's tough to see from that perspective now looking back, I mean it brought a dopey low budget slasher santa claus flick so much publicity and attention (Thank Siskel & Ebert for shaming it into the public eye and immortalizing it).The myth starts to out weight the material and that gives it incredible strength. So the last time I watched it, I decided after slaving at one of the worst jobs I've ever had (Toys R Us) I decided to just say "Fuck Christmas" and rented a bunch of hate driven killer santa claus flicks assuming it would be a gas!
    After the first couple of minutes of Silent Night, I gave up and decided I couldn't finish it (and even shelved one of my all time favorites Christmas Evil away, never to watch anything that negative again that year)!
    I seriously regret that hasty decision and right now am reconsidering Silent Night, I've grown up and am more desensitized then I was back then and can hopefully handle the grimness. Let's see if I can make it through this time out!
Little Billy's crappy parents take him to visit his Grampa (Will Hare, he played Old Man Peabody in Back To The Future). He is comfortably resting at an insane asylum and his stupid parents decide to leave Billy alone with him. He successfully scares the shit out of the tike telling him that "Santa Claus will punish him"! Then after they drive home, a crook in a Santa outfit blows away a convenient store worker and kills Billy's parents, leaving his baby brother to cry into the cold night all alone.
    There are rampant punishment themes in Silent Night. Billy now lives in a convent, his warped concept of sex and santa claus is starting to merge. The grandfather and the nuns preach ridged discipline, its no wonder this kid eventually cracks up and goes on a killing spree. The nuns pull some strings at Ira's Toys and get the grown up incarnation of Billy a job at a toy store. There's a hilarious montage song while vintage Jabba The Hutt playsets are put on the shelf. Billy freaks out anytime he sees Santa Claus and should be taking medication or see a therapist. Even the nuns who are responsible as his guardians call up the store and after finding out the worst is about to happen, that the manager forcefully dressing him up like Santa will trigger his murderous rage, they refuse to stop him!  After one of Billy's coworkers rapes a cashier in the stockroom, he loses his shit and strangles him with Xmas lights, not because he cares about the girl mind you. He yells things at his victims like "Punishment is good" and "You're Naughty"! What should have been a completely jokey slasher flick was seriously condemned by the public just for scaring kids and having a killer Santa Claus. Ignore the fact that this was already tackled in the 50's by E.C. Comics (they had their own hypocritical juvenile delinquent trials to deal with back then). They were blamed for poisoning the minds of the youth, not much has changed and their always must be a scapegoat to take the fall!
     A scrawny Linnea Quigley shows up to bone some dude on a pool table along to 70's sounding Xmas porn music. She's punished by Billy the retarded Santa Claus (for opening the door topless? i guess and then impaled on some strategically placed antlers). In my mind there's no valid reason for Billy to despise women, I mean he saw his mother get her throat slashed by Santa, shouldn't he feel sorry for all the women and blame himself? The first half of the psychology works, but once he's on a rampage it gets wonky. The film is very depressing, but kinda fun in its own way and doesn't deserve to be so universally reviled, its time to reconsider this Xmas slasher classic!        

Don't Open Till Christmas Directed by Al Mcgoohan/ Edmund Purdom. Starring Alan Lake (1984)
    This one is notorious for being horrible and considering Skunkape is always on my back about how much I love Edmund Purdom, it's required viewing since he's in it and directed it. I first saw Mr. Purdom in one of my favorite slashers of all time, Pieces as the murderous dean. Some stalker is murdering people in dark alleys and at Xmas disco parties in England. I think after all the negative publicity that Silent Night brought, the Brits had to horn in on some of that box office cash! Even though I swear that Silent Night came out in 84, but nevermind. So Purdom hangs out in his office at Scotland Yard (Big Ben tolls in the background, so I doubt this was filmed in England, since they are really pushing it). Over there they have Father Christmas and apparently Paddington Bear is available for autographs too! Watch out though, because one mall santa gets slashed with a straight razor while pissing. Some of the Brits in this film have a Santa phobia and even fetishize it! After a slutty bird wearing a Santa outfit comes onto this Davey Jones look-a-like he runs away because people passing by might think he's gay (Huh)?? All the people dressed as Father Christmas are all perverts and weirdos so at least this film is honest! It's really dull but has some moments, I guess. The oddest part for me was a bizarre satanic winter wonderland with candles, cartoon devils and even a manger! Are the Christmas critters responsible? It looks like a King Diamond holiday specials! This may have been the moment Edmund was fired as director and it shifts over to this weird realm. Then it disappointingly goes back to the boring shit!

Silent Night Bloody Night (Death House) Directed by Ted Gershuny. starring Mary Woronov. (1974)
     Wilfred Butler Returns to his creepy mansion in Oyster Bay Long Island and mysteriously dies of in an apparent suicidal fire. Mary Woronov narrates the story, she looks very attractive and at the time was married to Gershuny, many of the other actors in Silent, Bloody came from the Warhol scene. Lloyd Kaufman was a producer and later they would work together again on Sugar Cookies. I actually bought a copy from Alpha Blue Archives, a former drive-in/ classic porn company that now exclusively sells porn. My video copy had a line going down the middle and I only bought it to see Mrs.Togar naked, little did I know she already got naked in Eating Raoul, there's 17 bucks I'll never get back!
      This film is the most public domain you can get, there's loud record scratches on the audio and film cigarettes burns all through out (somebody clean this film up for Christ's sake). John Carter (just a coincidence) inherits the cursed mansion, which was a former mental institution and is definitely still harboring some of the freaks from back then. The whole film uses that gothic spookiness of the East Coast to it's advantage and it owes a lot to the location. John "I'll act for peanuts" Carradine shows up and actually has no lines, his froggy sounding voice was overdubbed. After Carter comes home and has sex with his girlfriend, an axe murderer sneaks up the stairs and butchers both of them. What's worse is that he daintily places a cross into the victims had. The creaky voice of Wilfred Butler calls the police from inside the house.
There are similar elements to Black Christmas (to me this one is inferior), as the killer hides in the attic making calls. Both films were apparently made at the same time (1972), but this one came out after and still hasn't had a proper release, its also a Cannon Film which means I have to automatically watch it.
     Wilfred's grandson Jeffrey shows up and tries to threaten Mary Woronov, but she's extra tough and pulls a gun on him. They sort of form an awkward bond. Something sinister happened on Christmas Eve 1935, Wilfred keeps calling the people that may have caused his suicide, sometimes calling himself Mary Anne. He tortures some of them, leading me to believe that they are the escaped maniacs that assaulted his daughter, but none of that is explained. Butler deliberately turned his house into an asylum and his daughter was raped by lunatics.When the rape incident is shown, the Warhol people play all the mental defects, they kind of reminded me of the random Dream-Landers from early John Waters stuff. Many people really like this one, I think it has potential but is very clunky and there's not much of a payoff.


Elves (1989) Directed By Howie Mandel (I mean Jeff Mandell!) Starring Grizzly Adams
     This movie hates Christmas and anyone who watches it, even the guy that uploaded Elves hates this movie and hates you!
      It starts off in the graveyard with non existent lighting (I mean the lighting guy even hates this movie he forgot to turn them on)! The sisters of Anti-Christmas are conducting a  blood ritual to a fantasy art picture, this causes a creepy elf hand to emerge from the ground.I think one of the Anti-Christmas bitches is Aubrey Plaza's mom! The director must be an Italian zombie fan because the elf symbol kinds looks like the Eibon (or maybe it was the production designer). The Elf puppet looks like some leftover slop from the John Carl Buechler workshop.
      Elves are also Nazi demons according to this flick or Ghoulies, I mean Trolls! Hardfaced teen Kirsten has even worse problems, both of her parents are German psycho's and her Ninja Turtle Costume wearing brother peeps on her naked body and then says "I don't care, your tits are awesome!" He also swears like a dockworker.
      The film quality reminds me of SoulTaker and this seriously needs a Rifftrax treatment right now! The message in most Christmas horror movies is true, Santa is a mentally disturbed loathsome wretch who shouldn't be trusted with your kids.The Elf (that's right singular!) is killing people at the mall and Kirsten's mother puts her cat in a bag then stuff it in the toilet and drowns it.
      Grizzly Adams, an ex detective that was most likely the inspiration for Billy Bob Thornton's character in Bad Santa (he was on the set smoking Camel unfiltered and blowing them in his face for inspiration)! Anyway, Grizzly hits the library to do research on satanic elves, in that library they are classified under 666 in the Dewey Decimal system.He is motivated again to solve crimes and has gone from pathetic Santa impersonator to full time Elf fighter! It leads him to different librarians in the middle of their Christmas Eve dinners. The second librarian goes into about how the elves are supposed to mate with a virgin on Xmas Eve to produce the master race! Kirstin's wheelchair bound father is involved his daughter in a bizarre sex conspiracy with Nazi's and Elves. One German character actually says "When there's no room in Hell the Elves will walk the earth!!!" I almost chipped a tooth when I heard that shit! As Kirstin stabs the elf she actually says "Die, you little Faggot!" That line will never replace the Jaws one "Smile You SOB" but it may have wanted to! 
      This one is not as good as The Suckling but not as bad as Dumpster Baby! It definitely has a sense of humor about itself which is good, its self aware of how ridiculous it is! Now that the Elves have been obliterated, Winterman is satisfied and Different unfortunate Linnea Quigley's have been impaled onto antlers we can finally crack open the Christmas Ham, drink some spiked Hot Chocolate and regret until next Holiday Season! See ya Next Year!  

Elves are Nazis

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