Thursday, December 6, 2012

Christmas Reviews Part 1

Here's Mr. Mountain (AKA Goat Scrote)'s Christmas roundup of Netflix Instant Xmas Themed reviews! Take it away Goaty!
 We are approaching the holiday season, and I’m going to let you in on one of my little quirks. I absolutely adore Christmas-themed horror movies. I could explain why, but you’re not here to be my therapist, you’re here for movies!

 SAINT NICK (2010) Directed By Dick Maas (Har! Really?)
“Saint Nick” (aka “Saint” or “Sint”) is a fun popcorn flick from the Netherlands. It seems that old Saint Nick is an undead monster with a grudge, and he returns whenever there is a full moon on the 5th of December. Before Coca Cola got their hands on the legend and cleaned it up, jolly old Saint Nick was accompanied by a counterpart who meted out punishments to bad children: The sadistic Black Pete who carried children away in his sack, or a demonic creature called Krampus who could swing a pretty mean faggot. (That’s a bundle of sticks. What did you think I meant?) Anyway, check  it out for more on that. In this flick his helpers are a bunch of horribly burned axe-wielding undead sailors. They don’t really give a fuck about naughty or nice, and they aren’t here to deliver presents. It reminded me a little bit of John Carpenter’s “The Fog”, but without the creepy claustrophobic vibe.
Saint Nick rides around Amsterdam on his magic white horse with his evil posse in tow, dispensing violence and terror everywhere they go. A disgraced cop and a fugitive who is being blamed for Santa’s crimes are the only ones who can stop him. There’s plenty of bloody action, high body count, some messy kills, entertaining special effects, and slightly cheesy dubbing. It’s not in the least bit scary but it still has the ingredients for a brainless holiday good time. (I thought I would mention that Saint Nick looks suspiciously like the Anti Pope Singer from Ghost. ed)

RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE (2010) Directed by Jalmari Helander
                Next in the line-up is “Rare Exports”, another foreign Christmas-themed flick, this time from Finland. An eccentric millionaire has undertaken a project to unearth Santa Claus – a horned Krampus-like figure - from his ancient burial mound. Weeks later, the locals are in the middle of their annual reindeer round-up, except it turns out something has slaughtered all the reindeer. Only one kid, Pietari, sees the signs and understands what is happening, but no one cares what he thinks. On the other hand, he IS allowed to carry around a shotgun wherever he goes, so that’s a plus.
                Christmas day arrives, and strange things are going on in the village. A creepy (and very nude) old man is caught in a pungi pit meant for wolves, but the tough old cuss refuses to die. Turns out he has been abducting the naughty children of the village, and he was interrupted on his way to snatch Pietari. Pretty soon even the skeptical adults realize that they are dealing with something out of the ordinary. When they attempt to sell Santa back to the men who dug him up in the first place, things do not go as planned. Surprise surprise, it turns out Santa has helpers…
                Right around now, Pietari goes into action hero mode and comes up with a plan to save the day. There’s a whole bunch of full-frontal old-man nudity, a big explosion, and a denouement where Santa’s helpers go through pretty much the weirdest career re-training program ever.
                It’s an odd little movie. There’s too much death and way too many penises for it to be kid’s fare, but probably not enough gruesomeness to really excite horror fans. I was hoping for Santa to open up a serious can of whoop-ass at some point, so that was a little disappointing. Even so, I enjoyed it as a peculiar change of pace.
                Available streaming on Netflix.

 SANTA’S SLAY (2005) Directed by David Steiman
                This one is definitely a comedy with not so much horror, but it fits well with the theme established by the previous two movies: Santa is a supernatural evil force who shows up to wreak yuletide havoc. We open at Christmas dinner with a snotty rich family featuring James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart. Santa (super-hot Bill Goldberg, of pro-wrestling fame) comes busting out of the chimney, kicks the dog to show he means business, sets Fran Drescher on fire (that’s one item scratched off my Christmas wish list), kills James Caan with a turkey drumstick, and generally fucks up Christmas for everybody. Rad.
                This is by far the best part of the movie, so if you turn it off after the first five minutes you’re not really missing much. In a backwater burg called Hell Township, our young protagonist Nicolas learns the truth about Santa from his wacked out inventor grandfather. You see, Santa is actually the son of Satan, and he lost a bet with an angel which required him to be nice for 1000 years. Now the millennium is up and he’s celebrating with a killing spree. Strippers are terrorized, testicles are tasered, a man is impaled with a menorah, and not-so-witty one-liners are exchanged. The fight scene at the strip club is fun, at least. Santa spends most of his time chasing around the hero and his girlfriend for no particular reason. Spoilers: The good guys win; The hero gets the girl; Valuable life lessons are learned.
                Personally, I was rooting for Goldberg to slaughter everyone. Oh well. Maybe next Christmas. Available on DVD
Thanks alot Goat Scrote

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