Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Visitor

The Visitor Directed By Giulio Paradisi Starring Paige Conner (1979)
   Ovidio Assonitis, the king of all ripoffs wrote this film. The description of his former job as an Egyptian caterer on IMDb sounds like he's the original Fuad Ramses (care for an Egyptian feast)? He's worked with a lot of heavyweights in the industry as a Cannon producer of tons of dreck like Tentacles, Beyond The Door and Lambada, the fact that he's successfully made a career out of plagiarizing plot points and reinserting them into other films that basically add up to headache collages, is a triumph in itself and I respect the shamelessness!
Ovidio just exudes sleaze

   The score by Franco Micalizzi really outshines the film, but its appallingly confusing to me how many stars were clamoring to be in on this sinking ship of Pong and demonic conspiracies. Katy Collins, is an alien girl from a snowy planet (Hoth)? in a Farrah Fawcett hairdo is being watched over by ominous voices and John Huston in a wizard cloak.
The next Electric Wizard album cover
   The film takes us over the red hills of Mars to a basket ball game with Lance Henriksen and exploding slam-dunks. Joanne Nail (who I'll always remember as Maggie from Switchblade Sisters) plays Katy's young sexy mom.
I wasn't this abused in Switchblade Sisters
   Huston presides over a bunch of skinheads on a rooftop, this movie is setting up a lot of oddities, which will most likely taper off and its counting on the fact that you will hopefully not remember them. Mel Ferrer, the king of all cannibal and exploitation bit parts shows up as an executive who's involved in The Visitor conspiracy.
    Apparently Barbara (Joanne Nail) has a magical womb that produces super children, however she’s not quick enough to escape a tiny alien girl slaming her face into an aquarium! Katy receives a loaded gun for her birthday that accidentally goes off and paralyzes her mother, but it seems all part of the Visitor conspiracy (just wait.. it will all make sense, fingers crossed)!
   Jake (Glenn Ford) investigates the accentual/ possibly intentional shooting. Then Shelley Winters shows up as a housekeeper with caged birds, that believes in intergalactic bullshit. According to Paige Conner in the Code Red making of documentary Shelley actually slapped the shit out of her!!! You gotta wonder with all the desperate star power involved, were they all paid in booze?
   Ford shows up at Katy’s elementary school and she tells him to fuck off (according to IMDB, the actress was no Linda Blair and felt awkward having to swear at adults). Meanwhile John Huston is still on the roof with his skinhead army as Katy's evil bird latches onto Jake's face and pulls his eyeball out! and he explodes in a carwreck.
   Then after a nice day at the mall, Katy hits the ice skating rink and tears the living shit out of a couple of dudes in Osmond bowl haircuts, sailing one through a jagged glass window. Huston finally makes his way to Katy's family residence and his name is Jerzy Coleslaw? (no wait it's Jerzy Colsowicz! same difference)! Coleslaw is an alien wizard guardian from a distant snow planet who shows up to play Pong on a giant TV screen. I get the feeling if this film weren't a giant dud they would have commissioned a TV series (I mean they gave the green light to a lot of questionable bullshit during the 70's)! The film quality looks like an smaltzy perfume ad.
care for a game of face eating hawk Pong?
   Sam Peckinpah shows up as an abortion doctor (and you could blink and miss him, he was also dubbed). Barbara's car breakdown and aliens show up and take her away for an anal probe.

   Later on Katy's giant bird attacks her in the house (and even knows how to turn doorknobs)! The Visitor is a total incoherent mess, that's oddly entertaining (I feel like I've tacked that onto a lot of reviews)! It all ends with a bunch of bald midgets and Franco Nero? as a Jesus like figure in a spaghetti wig. It took me a few times to watch this film and I don't blame you if you don't stick it out, it rewards you with nothing except a giant question mark hovering over your head. Is Katy an alien, possessed? A reincarnated ice queen from another universe? It's not worth thinking about and I think the team behind this mess, just tossed whatever ideas they had at a wall and whatever stuck, they filmed! Total trash, but definitely entertaining!
Welcome to my all midget rock opera version of Godspell

Mork calling Orson
Not the first time, I was this high and acted in a crappy movie

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