Sunday, June 16, 2013

7 Lucky Ninja Kids

7 Lucky Ninja Kids Directed By Chen-Kuo Chao. Starring a bunch of kids who need therapy now (1986)
   There are certain headscratching movies where you sit there with your jaw on the floor and can't believe how insanely bad and awesome what you are watching is! Something so oddly inept and yet compelling, doesn't come around too often (some of examples that come to my mind right now are Virgins From Hell and The Manitou). Skunkape was gracious enough to dig up this lost kiddie flick, that blatantly steals from tons of big budgeted Hollywood flicks (I'll mention those as they pop up) and its soundtrack is completely stolen. If any lawyers are reading, Chen Chao is most likely on your unlicensed song copyrighted wanted list, his wear abouts are unknown and has no information!
   I've read online that certain people have fond memories of this flick as children, or wonder if they dreamt it or something. 
   I had a similar experience with an oddball Italian Aladdin flick with Bud Spencer that I later found out had all the people responsible for Zombie involved (Fabio Frizzi, Dardano Sarchetti, all minus Lucio Fulci)! I guess that one was fate! I'd imagine if I had seen any of the 3 Ninjas kick Back films this would be it's Chinese counterpart (but I grew up in the 80's and didn't have to sit through those)! 
Don't fuck with a ninja newsboy!
   Lucky Ninja Kids starts off with individual character fight montages and a Chinese Kidz Bop  version of "Like A Virgin". There is a lot of stolen music,The Cat People, Halloween 1 & 2, Survivor's "Burning Heart".
   So who are these Lucky kids anyway? There's Dum-dum, Fatty, Rambo, Judy and a couple others I forget (there's spotty info on IMDB concerning this film)!  
The kids all dress like Newsies (with Caps, suspenders and giant ties) when they visit a grown up restaurant  The children are very mean to eat other, incessantly referring to each other as stupid jerks! The boys say things like "girls are gross" which is normal, but also my grandpa told me "never trust a woman", seems odd!
Yeah see, I-gotta find those dirty raat ninja kids
   Drug lords are conducting business while the kiddies are trying to figure out how to eat like fancy adults. 
   There's a diamond on the dancefloor mixed in with ice, spinning table scene directly lifted from the beginning of Temple Of Doom! Most of the kids sound like the same voice actors on Lancelot Link!
  There's a gangster wearing an eyepatch that has a Edward G. Robinson voice looking for the diamond.  
You got served
   There are a lot of sunglass wearing inept gangsters fighting in parking garages. After a Clock and Dagger ripoff scene with a man falling from a stair well, the kids start fighting the gangsters. These thugs fear the ninja kids (everyone has those cartoony Godfrey Ho style dubbed voices)! The Halloween music periodically shows up and I keep expecting to see an Asian Michael Meyers (John Carpenter most likely never saw 7 Lucky Ninja Kids)! The bumbling gangsters get very tedious fast and wear out their welcome! The kids get wrapped up in a breakdance battle at a Roller Disco (while Wham plays). During one scene (as "I Just called to say I love you" by Stevie Wonder plays), a cross dresser named "Mole Blossum" comes down the stairs and all the kids start talking in unison, all saying "she is a creature who makes you want to throw up on the floor". 
Mole Blossum is ready for her close-up
   During the last few minutes two Americans beat the shit out of the kids, tossing one kid through a plate glass window (which looks real)! Ninja Kids is a huge steaming pile of fluff and not entirely appropriate for kids, but seems geared toward children, so I dunno is it worth seeking out? It's monumentally retarded and may give you a brain hemorrhage, so you've been warned! Thanks to the Alamo Drafthouse crew for the tip off on this film.
Somebody call the child labor hotline!
Stop calling me Lavar Burton Fool!

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