DEMONS Directed By Lamberto Bava Starring Urbano Barberini (1985)
Reviewed By Goat Scrote
If a scary guy in a creepy-looking metal mask (infamous director Michele Soavi) ever offers you a free
ticket to a movie, here's what you do. You go home and cuddle up on the couch
with your favorite fuzzy, feathery, or scaly domesticated critter(s) and/or
your sweetie(s). Have a bag of microwave popcorn or some corn chips, watch some
b-grade garbage on the internet or whatever, and have a normal, boring,
apocalypse-free night. Forget you ever got that ticket. Free movie tickets are
nothing more than bait for demon traps. People are suckers for free stuff. The
demons know this.
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| Suckers! |
"Demons" primarily takes place in a movie theater, and during
the first part, the action in the movie they're watching mirrors what's
happening in the theater. This set-up would have really lent itself to some
William-Castle-style gimmickry in theaters. You could send some people in demon
masks running through the aisles at key moments to get everyone in the proper
mood.
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| Did I do that? (In Urkle voice) |
One of the visitors is scratched by a metal demon mask that's on display
in the lobby. The same thing happens to someone in the movie-within-the-movie
later on, which triggers a demonic transformation both on screen and in the
theater. The wound starts pulsing and swelling and I smile in fond remembrance
of pre-CGI horror. Latex bladder effects rule! The big pus-blast about 22
minutes in marks the real start of the party. Yes, it's true: Acne is spawned
from the depths of Hell.
The trapped theatergoers don't need very long to figure out something is
going terribly wrong, but when they batter down the doors to escape, they find
a wall of concrete has mysteriously appeared. What the...? Things just sort of
happen in this movie, and there's really no payoff for thinking too hard about
it. The point is that they are now sealed in. They scatter through the theater
in utter panic, looking for a way out, and one by one they get gruesomely torn
up. The demon plague is spread from person to person through scratches and
bites, so each new victim becomes possessed by a demon.
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| Nevermind the Clearasil get a priest! |
Some of the theatergoers decide that the film must be making all this
happen, so they break into the projection booth to put a stop to it and find
computerized projectors. Once again, a warning to the modern world! This
digital projector craze is a soul-corrupting ploy to put demons in our
cineplexes. I'm sure there's something about this in the Bible! Stopping the
movie doesn't slow down the rampage, however.
There's a hilarious visual pun at 43:30... a quartet of
"punkers" outside the theater snorting cocaine out of a Coca Cola
can. Ha! Okay, I thought it was funny, but I'm easily amused. Didn’t I see that
in Return of the Living Dead, or am I high? I’m way too lazy to go look it up. (it didn't happen in the film. Ed.) Also, I am craving junk food. Anyway, the punkers, now on the run from the
cops, find a back door into the theater and hide inside. Meanwhile, one of the
demons sneaks out and scratches up the police. Containment has been lost! The
demons are free, free to spread havoc and hellish misery across the face of the
world, mwahahahahaha!
Right about here I almost feel sorry for the demons. They were having so
much fun in the theater, but boy, are they in for a disappointment when they
see that we have pretty much already done their job for them in the outside
world. Desolation? Mutilation? Despair? Senseless mob violence? Bloody mayhem?
Plague? Rivers of boiling feces? Welcome to planet Earth, ya jerks. You’ll fit
right in.
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| Howdy Folks, I'm Murray the "bacne" demon |
There are some cool bits and pieces of imagery, like the demon
transformation at 30 minutes in and the glow-eyed demons climbing backlit
stairs at 1:01:00. There's a pretty nifty scene at 1:07:45 when a full-sized
demon climbs its way out of the back of one of the infected like she's a living
doorway to Hell. The slimy, gooey, bloody old-school special effects are
definitely part of the fun, with blasts of yellow and green pus, demon puke,
stretchy latex, and plenty of fake blood.
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| Don't worry bro, I'll take down your insurance info later! |
There's a dirt bike and a samurai sword displayed in the lobby so that
later the "hero" can drive through the theater chopping up demons
with an 80s metal soundtrack blasting in the background. Our hero is not a very
charismatic guy, but he gets to live the dream here... until he gets scratched
and then crashes the bike. Oh well.
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| Perfect there's that chopper I ordered |
Then, with no warning, a helicopter comes crashing through the roof of
the theater. This is by far my favorite moment. It makes absolutely no sense,
and no explanation is ever offered. Just go with it! The two survivors use the
helicopter as a weapon against their unholy enemies. And would you look at
that, the chopper is also equipped with a grapnel hook gun and a winch. I’m
sure if they’d kept looking they would have found a jet pack or a flamethrower,
too. Anyway, hey, presto, they make it up to the roof the theater to face off
with the original metal-faced ticket distributor, who is presumably the bozo
responsible for this whole mess. The heroes do a reversal of the standard
Italian-horror eye impalement kill, and this time it’s the bad guy getting a
piece of rebar shoved through his brain. The good guys emerge victorious...
only to discover that the city has already plunged into anarchy and chaos, with
demons running loose all over. They're rescued by an extremely well-armed
family in a jeep.
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| part machine part movie usher |
Now, even though we know the male lead was scratched by demon claws and
we're expecting him to turn at any moment, it's the female lead who becomes a
demon and has to be put down. Luckily this family seems able to take care of
themselves. When the demon apocalypse arrives -- which should be any minute
now, according to my sources -- we're all going to be wishing for those
high-capacity assault rifle magazines, mark my words!
OR BUY ON DVD
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