Sunday, June 30, 2013

Grave Of The Vampire

Grave Of The Vampire Directed by John Hayes. Starring William Smith (1972).
   This flick has a treasure trove of B-movie heavy weights and celebrities that even if you think it sucks (pun intended) you gotta respect it for what it is, a decent, but schlocky fun time!
   It's got burly William Smith (Invasion Of The Bee Girls, Fast Company) and Michael Pataki (or better known to TOG readers as George "Liquor" American and the director of Mansion Of The Doomed). It's also  an early David Chase (The Sopranos) written story based on his book. It's unlikely that Grave Of The Vampire will get the same New Jersey royally treatment that everything else Chase related gets, although it may not be just a coincidence that Dan Grimaldi of Don't Answer The Phone ended up on the show years later. What is this 7 degrees of separation with Tony Soprano? fuggettaboutit! (R.I.P. James Gandolfini)
   Pataki is a gruesome site as an imposing giant thick faced "rapist" vampire. That's right folks, you heard correctly! Caleb Croft is a sexual deviant vampire that hides out and waits to hump whoever reaches his cemetery. For other films about horny beasts impregnating girls see (The Beast Within and Humanoids From The Deep).
this hangover sucks
   One night he feeds on a couple parked out in the cemetery and the rape victim gets pregnant with his parasitic spawn.
   Instead of breast milk, the mother soon discovers it prefers the taste of hot pulsating arteries. Baby James grows up as his mother wastes away (maybe she should have robbed a blood bank) and seeks vengeance at the College that the vampire now teaches at. Croft is a part time teacher with a popular class on mythology. He goes by a new identity, but James is there with intent to destroy him. In class, father and son get into an angry debate about the teacher's real identity while discussing Croft’s vampire alias' in New England.
You'd think that with all the time James has spent searching and following his evil father, he's have some crosses, stakes or garlic. None of these Hammer Film staples are represented! Actually later on they used a staircase piece as a stake, but still!
   I watched this when it was streaming on Netflix and the quality is much better than all the shitty versions on Youtube (sorry to bash them again)!
you look like a foxy Chia Pet
    All the women in this movie have that frumpled 70’s Florence Henderson mom look (sharp cheekbones, dykey haircuts). The most unpleasant part for me as a library worker is how he strangles this one librarian after closing time.

   The girl that James ends up with, has the haircut of the lesbian secretary on The Beverly Hillbillies (Yeeaasshhhh). The pacing moves pretty quickly and it's got some filler, but a small amount. There's a good father son fight at the end, but no Dracula killing supplies to be seen. With Chase involved you'd think there'd be some garlic rolls or marinara used as weapons. Slightly Recommended!
Make sure to watch the restored DVD and not the fuzzy, washed out monstrosity available online, your eyeballs will thank you.
you could do better son

Let me outta here I got real babes waitin in Invasion Of The Bee Girls

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