Monday, June 17, 2013

Blue Jeans Monster


Blue Jeans Monster: The Monster Wore Jeans (Jeuk Ngau Foo Dik Jung) directed by Kai-Ming Lai (1991)
   Blue Jeans Monster is a conundrum wrapped in a puzzle box tucked into a delicious bucket of Lo Mein. It has some red flags that went off in my head while me and skunkape watched it. It's yet another Category III that is light on the sex and gore, but definitely offensive and may have been written by a 3rd grader who recently saw Robocop, Dead Heat and The Incredible Hulk 70's TV show. The director and screenwriter Kai-Ming Lai, who also wrote Daughter Of Darkness (1993) must be a pseudonym, I suspect it's a small child.  
I'm always enchanted when I see this logo!
   Many of the same actors from Her Vengeance show up in this one, minus the most important character, Ching-Ying Lam (the unibrowed wizard from Mr. Vampire and the crippled bad ass from Her Vengeance). But don't let that upset you because there are plenty of wacky characters to hold your interest. It does have gruesome looking bit player Fui-On Shing (The Untold Story, and a lot of early John Woo flicks), finally getting his big break in a starring role as The Blue Jeans Monster! Shing sadly passed away in 2009.
I'm a roided out juice head
   So how the hell does he turn into such a denim wearing behemoth and what super powers is he equipped with? Tsu Hsiang (the alter ego of the Blue Jeans Monster) is a cop who stupidly chases down bank robbers into a dead end by a steel mill, full of traps including a crane with iron rods able to drop onto your head Clarence Bodicker & Ray Wise Robocop style. Hsiang gets pinned under the death weight and slowly expires.
that cat has a magical gallbladder
    Later on that night during a lightning storm, a supernatural cat and 1.21 Gigawatts turn him into an reanimated monster with glowing yellow eyes. He sort of resembles a Chinese Frankenstein or Lou Ferrigno and now seals up his wounds with cookie batter and tampons! His wife Chu (played by Pauline Wong) and their wacky crippled roommate Power Steering have no idea that he has no pulse, but is able to carry conversations and eat (well not really) because all his food falls out of his stomach cavity like an Itchy and Scratchy episode. Power Steering accidentally eats a half digested meal that falls out and gets sick! His wife Chu is pregnant and worried that her husband is losing interest in her, so a girlfriend convinces her to surprise him with a prostitute named Death Rays (played by well endowed Amy Yip from Robotrix, Erotic Ghost Story).
a delightful milk bath
    A slight mishap occurs, which ruptures her tits and they shoot milk everywhere! (I don't blame the scriptwriter, at 11 years old, I would've believed the same thing too)! Blues Jeans makes a homemade defibrillator and is hooked like an electricity junkie!

   Non sequitors and general weirdness to look out for in this film are as follows, an awesome Dominoes Pizza Noid stuffed doll, Chu's friend that tells "This is the 90's" and that her baby can hold a man's penis while inside, saying "that's why it has no teeth! 
don't worry, I'm not a pedo it's the 90's
   Three soda jerks, who in order to prove they didn't have sex with a beastly girl, perform the patented squeeze the Big Macs test to see which one has the "two hand on one breast fondle technique". In the babies room, the production designer put very uncomfortable naked white baby pictures with their genitals exposed (Healthy White Babies for sale, get 'em while they're hot)!
Boobs feel exactly like Hamburger buns
   
Mr. Blue Jeans is not much of a superhero at all, just a dead cop who makes a promise to himself to live long enough to see his child born,which is admirable. Sadly no one recharged him, because there were no sequels made after this one.
I have sympathy for the poor lug

I'm Chinese Emperor Palpatine
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