Rampage

Rampage (Satanic Obsession) Directed By William Friedkin, Starring Michael Biehn (1987).

I was overjoyed when I found out one of my favorite videogames had been turned into a movie, Werewolves fighting giant Lizards and Kongs, a total monster mash ensued and it was even directed by William Friedkin! Wait, a second, I guess I must've drank too much or took hallucinogens and imagined the wrong film because it's total bullshit and doesn't exist!

This version will not be seen tonight or ever unfortunately

What we have instead is a serial killer film with Michael "Terminator" Biehn as a grizzled DA. After watching Wetlands on Netflix, I decided that maybe I've been neglecting what they have to offer (I mean I'm paying them all this money I might as well use their service right)? This is unfortunately not the Euro cut that Chas sold in the VHS catalog, but it's readily available without all the hassles and you get that instant gratification fix, which beats the old days of tracking down the flick on a duped videotape. So let me fire up some delicious coffee and subject myself to another kind of rampage that doesn't involve Toho style shenanigans but political intrigue and cold case files.

If you paid more than 4.95 for this sweet windbreaker then you got robbed

A Nightstalker-esque serial killer is prowling the burbs gunning down old ladies in their supposed safe and happy homes in Stockton Ca in the afternoon. I'd read all the horrifying details of Ramirez raping old ladies, shooting people point blank and forcing them to praise Satan during the day, while injecting heroin in Philip Carlo's excellent book on the scumbag serial killer. I donated the book because it was so harrowing that it felt like an omen to keep it in the house after I'd finished it up, a truly ghastly read. The killer in this film who I thought was Ramirez is actually based on Richard Trenton Chase, a real "Blood sucking freak". Chase would disembowel his victims, kill animals and blend their organs with soda then drink the shake because he was a hypochondriac and thought it would prevent his heart from shrinking. The killer died in a mental institution by saving up antidepressants and Oding.

Bro this is totally soothing 

The killer in this film is named Charlie Reese (Alex McArthur), he envisions himself a tiger smeared in blood, preying on the innocent. Meanwhile the protagonist played by Biehn, a Catholic church going detective goes about his daily ritual. His wife is played by Warriors/ Too Close for Comfort actress Debra Van Valkenburg.

no cyborg's will be able to recognize me in this Chris Hayes disguise

Anthony Fraser (Beihn) is haunted by the death of his young daughter and feels close to the subject matter. Reese is out disemboweling victims and shooting them in their homes next to their kids in the middle of the day. There's something almost bland about this film, it's handled in a Lifetime sort of way, almost like a rejected cop show pilot. It's mildly entertaining though and not bad, I could've done without all the over long court scenes. One prosecutor is played by Andy Romano, the dad from Over The Edge, he's pro death penalty but Fraser is one of those extreme liberals who believes it's wrong. There's a nice political message embedded in the storyline and as it chugs along he changes his mind.

I also spit in Agent Dale Cooper's coffee

Reece's mother is played by David Lynch mainstay Grace Zebriski, she always does a top notch job as basically a frazzled parent. Down in basement of Charlie's house, they find a shrine complete with Nazi paraphernalia, skin masks, human brains and Ufo stuff.

Polident works great, even after your corpse has been exumed!

According to the real case, Chase believed that Nazis were using spaceships that commanded him to murder and claimed it wasn't his fault. Since this was the 70's, sadly they couldn't have had the Ancient Aliens idiot Giorgio Tsoukalos weigh in on the case.

Hitler and Jesus, obviously tight bros from way back when

Early Cronenberg actor Nicholas Campbell interviews Reece's mother about her crazier than a "shit house rat" son. Beihn's character tries to leave his emotions out of the case, but they keep changing his perspective.          

Reese talks about Satan using backwards messages to make him kill, so Friedkin clearly used elements of the Nightstalker as well as Chase. There's a lot of grand standing by pudgy lawyers who want to manipulate the courts and Beihn hoping to get him put away and not live off the state in a mental hospital.

Is there something else you'd like to share with the rest of us Amazing Larry?

Then a trial occurs where every witness seems confident that he's a blood drinking ghoul. In a film like Lipstick, the court scenes are appropriate and propel the frustration of dumb juries and the justice system, here they just take up too much time and get stale.      

With Cruising, Friedkin created a nice balance of sleaze and political incorrectness or intolerance toward gays all in the context of a cop drama slasher flick. In Rampage however, the cop elements threaten to capsize the whole thing.

Alex McArthur, the actor who plays Reese does a great job, if only he had more screen time. I like how oblivious he is to people's reactions as he slits their throat or pulls a gun on them point blank. It gets pretty weird as he paints his face silver and dives into a stained glass window in a church, looking for more blood to drink (maybe he should've robbed a blood bank, Duh)!

Once Charles is convicted and found sane, he awaits the electric chair, but in the Euro-cut, he commits suicide before sentencing. Netflix strikes again with its cut versions of films! They did the same thing on Flesh For Frankenstein (here's the link for the Eurocut with the better ending in my opinion). I like how the murderer doesn't give the state the ghoulish satisfaction of executing him and it stays true to what happened in reality.

Reece's death by Anti-depressants shot from the euroversion

Even for 1987, this film does nothing inventive or ground breaking and as a capable police film director I know Friedkin to be, this is some pretty watered down bullshit. He just got worse from then on, I mean in that year alone some of the most original cop thrillers and action films were being churned out and made this film look hokey by comparison. The Believers, Robocop, The Stepfather all came out, so this film didn't have a chance. Rampage is weak but its not all together bad, it seems rushed though. It all went south for Friedkin, he made The Guardian soon after and then Jade (two embarrassments to any resume if there ever was one).

Lime flavored Slurpee was the source of his mental illness all along!

Give this film a watch though and see what you think, I half liked it but I think it had more potential than what ultimately came out.

SLIGHTLY RECOMMENDED!

Zu Warriors From The Magic Mountain

"Zu Warriors From The Magic Mountain" (1983)

Directed by: Tsui Hark

Starring: Sammo Hung, Yuen Biao, Adam Cheng
Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin

Golden Harvest produced film, "Zu Warriors", plays almost like a Chinese version of "Monty Python" at times with elements of surreal Japanese film"Hausu/House". It has this really great comedic tone to it throughout, whether it's intentional or not. It's part buddy comedy, part bad ass action/martial arts (Wuxia) movie. I think many really horrible modern movies try to capture this balance of comedy and action, but always fail miserably. Upon watching modern James Bond abomination "Quantum Of Solace" with family during Christmas, I couldn't help but be hit over the head with how strange new, mainstream movies are filmed and edited. The amount of cuts in a scene is dizzying to say the least. While "Zu Warriors" had camera shots in its action scenes lasting maybe 5 seconds, "Quantum"s would have several cuts, at least 20 each second it seemed like to the point where you had hardly an inkling as to what was happening. It's jarring to say the least, or is just done poorly. There are a few quick cuts in "Zu", but they quickly fade into one another and are noticeable if you're looking for it.

The underlying element to "Zu Warriors" is the human nature of constant fighting among one another for no specific reason. This ignorant anger is fueling an entire underworld of evil. The Zu's are various colored armies from different parts of 5th century China. They seem to have no real agenda and have these orders bought to them by their commanders who seem to be just as clueless as to why there's all this unfocused carnage. "Youngster" Dik Mingkei's (Yuen Biao) problems begin when his own commanders cannot agree with each and order his own army, on his side, to kill him. He runs off and finds solace in a foe turned friend (simply known as "Fat Man", played by Sammo Hung) from a different army, bonding over the absurdity of war. It was adorable seeing them get along so well, finding out they're in fact from the same part of town. I think if listened close enough, you'd hear "I'm Happy To Be Stuck You" by Huey Lewis And The News.

"Zu" is insanely action packed, with a cast of really attractive and talented martial artists. The cinematography is just plain ridiculous, with it's beautiful, otherworldly imagery and mind blowing aerials from the cast. I remember awhile back when "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" became mainstream water cooler fare for it's Oscar nods and its actors flying through the air. I'm not sure of the first instance of this technique, but it's always so impressive to watch. I loved the brightly colored and some cartoonish (in the best way possible) on screen effects of the Evil Sect, Blood Crows, explosions, swords and much more. The visuals and story are unrelenting; there is no lull or boredom to be found here. We're introduced to character upon character who all have their own unique contribution. After Dik falls off a cliff, he finds himself chased by what appears to be blue-eyed Star Wars Jawas. After being saved by Ding Yan (Adam Cheng), a Kung Fu teacher, Dik finds himself studying under his wing, despite Ding's reservations. They meet a pair of "good guy" monks from another Kung Fu school, Reverend Hiu Yu and Yat Jan (Mang Hoi), who also consist of a teacher and his bumbling student. They're at first wearing this super wacky hamburger bun shaped helmets. We soon meet the villains of our story; the Blood Crows and the Evil Sect, whose voices sound like they're coming out of a distorted fast food drive thru speaker.

Flaming pizza, anyone? 

There's thousands of virgin boys skulls (yikes) and these are used to protect the essence of the Blood Crows after leaving their physical body from an attack. They are lying somewhat dormant in hopes to resurrect themselves at a later time. Although, not if an old man named Chang Mei/Long Brows (also Sammo Hung), can help it. He's keeping this sphere of spikes and skulls on a tight leash using his own facial hair. He has the power of a Sky Mirror (which I immediately thought of the recent bankruptcy of airline catalog, "Sky Mall" haha) and it will last 49 days until its energy runs out.

yep, this is really from Sky Mall

Many events still occur after all this craziness. We head to a fort located underwater inhabited by tough, beautiful women with their leader Ice Queen/Countess (Brigitte Lin) who has ability to heal people. There's twin swords to save the earth and an old man self-chained to a ball, his body covered in quills.

We are DEVO!

The overall message in the story is absurdity of war and fighting with one another. "Zu" is insanely entertaining and amazingly shot. I also really enjoyed the soundtrack by Kwan Sing-yau and Tang Siu-lam. The story isn't too hard to follow either, although like most Asian cinema, sometimes the plot can get lost in translation. It's available with the original Chinese dialogue, an English overdub track and decent English language commentary from director Tsui Hark. Hark is probably best known for the cult hit, "A Better Tomorrow" (1986), but he's still making movies even today. There is supposedly another print of this film bookended with a "present day" storyline tacked on to make it seem like "Zu" was all a dream. In the commentary for Big Trouble in Little China, John Carpenter mentions how blown away he was by this film and it was a major influence on his own Asian action supernatural classic. "The Legend Of Zu" (2001) is the sequel. 

Watch the trailer:

The Whip and The Flesh

The Whip and The Flesh (Night of the Phantom, What!, Son of Satan) Directed By Mario Bava, Starring Christopher Lee (1963).

It's been a zillion years since I've seen a Bava or a Christopher Lee film for that matter but after recently picking up an 80's Fango that had an interview with the tall dark and gruesome Brit and having just finished reading the latest Monster! with a stellar article on The Dracula Hammer films by Troy Howarth, I figured it was mandatory to revisit this tale of classy S&M bathed in blueish darkness. Make sure you check out his books on Fulci, Bava and Italian Giallos on Amazon.

Whip was highly controversial at the time for its unabashed clout in depicting the incest relations of a sister and brother and the kinky relationship between Kurt (Lee) and Nevenka (Lavi). There will be no 50 Shades jokes in this review, there's enough of that tripe on the internet.

Don't give me any smart mouth

Everyone is edgy in the gothic castle because the evil Kurt has returned. Lee's dynamic voice is sadly snubbed out by some Italian dude overdubbing his voice, don't let that discourage you from enjoying the film however. According to Perverse Titillation by Danny Shipka, Lee felt so burned by poor dubbing that he wrote in his contract that he's to provide all dubbing for International films from then on. 

ladies love violence

There's all kinds of sordid family drama concerning Kurt's relatives that wouldn't be out of place on a telenovela. 

All the cryptic atmosphere is illuminated by a frost covered window, it's all so gothic and be sure to brace yourself for some slow plot development.

There are secret Young Frankenstein or Scooby Doo style passageways. The hallway even has rows of Knights in armor decor. Kurt must've done something so reprehensible for his father to ostracize him so vehemently, I guess they don't take kindly to misogyny even in the sexist 60s!

The constant howling of a mysterious wind is ever present, even on the beach. The characters dress in Victorian garb and look like walking thrift store knick knacks. Lee uses his whip in a sexual manor toward a girl who slightly resembles Barbara Steele Bava's usual ingenue, but it's actually Daliah Lavi (who was also dubbed). She gets turned on by the violence, a thoroughly taboo concept for the early 60s ( which is why this film was kept out of circulation for many years).

Anytime Lee didn't have to play the infamous bloodsucker I've read he was estastic (so he must've had a blast in this role). Although he had yet to appear in his second Dracula film, Prince of Darkness, so he wasn't that fatigued by the Bram Stoker figure just yet. 

A muffled ghostly voice calls Kurt's name and he accidentally gets stabbed by a jewel encrusted dagger. It actually kills him and during his funeral scene all the pallbearers where red hoods like a satanic cult. I know I've seen one of those guys in Lee's other great gothic horror film The Torture Chamber of Dr Sadism. He looks comfortable in a velvet coffin as he should, aye? The priest that conducts the funeral looks Latvian orthodox and its a random choice, it reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld, when George tries to join their sect. The slain father character looks like Herbert Lom.

Cue Seinfeld bass line

Nevenka hears phantom whip cracks in the distance and is sexually drawn to them.

She is the object of Lee's perverse obsession, he returns from the grave and whips her, but it could all be a figment of her masturbatory imagination. 

The undercurrent of perversity would later on spawn better Bava films in my opinion like Bay of Blood. Whip comes off like a soap opera with incest and S&M, but never really delivers that jolt of fear that you crave from a creepy castle type drama.

Here's my Robert Blake In Cold Blood impression

It's slightly tedious and too melodramatic for my liking. Night of the Phantom, one of the alternate titles for this film is also a terrific garage number by Larry & The Blue Notes on a few volumes of the legendary Back From The Grave compilations. I highly recommend all of those records and 9 & 10 just came out a few months ago. Order at Crypt Records.com. As for the film, it take patience of steel, I admire that it has all these odd kinky elements in a more conservative time period, but it just lags too much and the dubbing bogs it down. Make sure you are armed with lots of coffee and watch it during the day. Fandor has the uncut version available to stream. 

WATCH HERE    

Mmmmm BBQ'd corpse, fall off the bone good!

Entrails of a Virgin

Entrails Of A Virgin  Directed By Kazuo "Gaira" Komizu, starring Saeko Kizuki (1986)

Two years ago, I mentioned this director when I reviewed his dull and nearly bloodless Battlegirl. I hoped for better action with a more coherent storyline, but all I got was an aimless, confusing fetish slasher film with more gore (which was the good part and no guts as advertised, which burned me up)! That being said, this film is entertaining for sure and makes fun of slasher movies with a clever plot twist toward the end.

I've heard about this one for a long time but have never actually sat down and watched it, thankfully Fandor bought the Synapse version and is streaming it. It's in the Pink genre of Japanese S&M films, but it's nothing like quality depraved trash that's in the vein of Star Of David: Hunting for Beautiful Girls or School of the Holy Beast. I've heard a theory, that the film maker was intentionally over the top and outlandishly hammy, which to me sounds like a cover-up. I mean sure, Samurai Cop and The Room can pretend all they want that they knew what they were doing the whole time, but there's serious noway that they were self aware! There are some wildly grotesque images in GUTS, like a woman masturbating with a severed arm and tree-fellatio (which should've made its way into Evil Dead 2 as a form of rape retaliation).

I followed a leprechaun over to a pot of gold and found this lethargic Asian stripper instead  

  This film came out in the days of underground trading, hardly anyone saw it during its initial run and often in the 90's the Japanese tape arrived without subtitles. Entrails, just like Guinea Pig (which at the time, you could only order from Chas Balun) was only available on a second generation dub with those irritating japanese characters at the bottom. Video lunatics had to suffer through tons of migraines in order to be disgusted or sometimes bored by what was flickering on the cathode ray. GUTS is basically a slasher film with gratuitous penis shots and actual hardcore sex (with optical fog over the pubic hair parts). It's also a tale of model exploitation in the demanding world of a photo shoot.

I love the imported taste of white trash American swill

This film gets the shock out early with an adorable girl's crotch thrusting into the screen as each model is introduced on film, they show them engaged in optically blurred sex. Some women's private parts are shown as long as they hold their hands over where its approved by the Japanese censorship board, this film is extremely gynecological sandwiched in by some perverts and Friday the 13th goes to Osaka type elements, it's very strange but not all that great.

Foggy sex is the safest kind

It reminds me of some of the weird and disturbing Japanese films that Skunkape would tape me from Todd Tjersland's Threat Theatre catalog, which were half gross porns and extreme horror (one scat film called THE JAPANESE COMEDY TORTURE HOUR had two people dressed like turtles, I guess you might say it's 2 Turtles One Cup years before that viral video stunned the world).

that other VHS catalog

 I definitely do not fondly remember those kinds of tape trading days and glad that we no longer have to deal with shitty-o in the age of high grade quality trash. I love how I can stream this on Fandor along with Arthouse Criterion films in pristine condition, it makes it almost respectable.

The model shoot is taken next to a cardboard rainbow backdrop and seems like it will wind up in a porno mag. More awkward blurred out sex happens as the gang drink Bud and talk about how Indians shared cocaine. There's a lot of useless dialogue that's really superfluous and kinda dumb.

Out in the creepy forest, a mud man pops up from beneath the leaves and hurls a body at their window. The crew seems to be broke, their sleazy manager refuses to spring for a hotel and they shack up in a rickety cabin. They actually blame it on the thick fog, which makes it too difficult to drive. One extremely repugnant character with a mustache and clunky glasses can't wait to

screw the various models--unbeknownst to the girls of course.

no one wants your happiness

A male and female participate in underwear wrestling to appease the group, which ends in the girl pissing herself full on into the camera. So for those with yellow fever and a pee fetish, this movie's got both fixes covered, Oh boy! BARF! This event pisses off one photographer, who tells his coworkers to fuck off and he even leaves the house, maybe he forgot the scary mud man is still lurking outside.

He should've kept his feelings to himself, because just stepping outside ends with him getting brained by a meat tenderizing mallet that pops his eyeball out!

Asian Randy from Pee Wee's Playhouse

The set up for the film is vaguely patterned on all those American slasher movies that were cluttering up the horror genre at the time. There's a killer outside and all the characters are horn dogs, the film maker is poking fun at it, but the major flaw is that it's not very amusing and it doesn't get really insane till the last few minutes, which to be is a sign of a great film. GUTS however, is to busy trying to titillate and be an effective gore film and it can't successfully pull off both.

There's a pile driver blowjob scene, which didn't surprise me, I mean I've seen Rick Flair pull that move on Super Fly Snuka numerous times!

Footlong, who ordered the Footlong!

The mud man pulls his pecker out and after assaulting a girl, in a coitus silhouette (to avoid the optical foggy of their genitals), he then decapitates her--classy move right?

The mustachioed fellow with the glasses gets impaled by a javelin, which was cool he was my least favorite character.

The craziest part of GUTS has a woman blowing a tree and then making out with a bloody severed head, she loses control in a sexual frenzy, which I'm guessing is a statement against the behavior of teens in American horror films, or they just wanted to show the most bat-shit crazy naked gyrating they could accomplish for the screen.

I always go to the morgue for sex toys, is that weird?

The last 20 mins get all Nekromantik Japanese style as this crazy bitch starts humping all the dead victims and even masturbates with a chopped off severed hand.The mud man shows up and pulls out her guts by reaching into her birth canal, but she definitely ain't no virgin!

I thought it was clever how the last living female victim in most slasher movies is the pure one whose kept her virginity, but in this film the killer actually impregnates her. Just imagine if Jason Voorhees instead of planting an axe in the final victim's head, drops his maggoty pants and does the deed, now that would shock everyone!
I feel as if I made this film sound better than it actually is, it's not, but I can't stop you from watching this dopey flick and I'm not even going to try, it's so conveniently available to stream on Fandor that you might as well.

This is one of those great provocative titles that might be better than the film itself. Napalm Death's old drummer Mick Harris, Bill Laswell and John Zorn "supergroup" Painkiller, named their first album after this film. Komizu's unrelated sequel Entrails of a Beautiful Women should be reviewed next in a few months, so stay tuned for more greasy guts.

AVAILABLE ON FANDOR

Emanuelle Around The World

Emanuelle Around The World (Confessions of Emanuelle, Emanuelle Versus Violence Against Women) Starring Laura Gemser, Directed By Joe D'Amato (1977).

Before any credits role, the viewer is treated to one of many ugly 70's hump sessions, but then again we are waist deep in yet another D'Amato/ Gemser sex fantasy depraved thrill-rides known as the Emanuelle series (the extra "M" is left off to distance itself from the inferior "White Brit Silvia Krystal one"). 

Pretty much anything goes in these films, snuff, cannibals, this one includes a banana sex scene that's haunted me ever since I saw it at the mentally fragile age of 9. 

It begins with Gemser balling in the back of a moving van in San Francisco. It was especially exciting for me to see Emanuelle fuck her way around Frisco because I recognize most of the locations they show (I lived in Oakland for 10 years and I even worked at Alcatraz for a spell). None of the majestic city has really been paved over since the 70's, when this film originally came out. Even people in the city by the Bay know about the world famous tart and set her up in a glitzy hotel. Gemser is very attractive and looks a lot like Padma Lakshmi from TV's reality cooking charade "Top Chef". She bumps into Ivan Rasimov (who most cannibal film enthusiasts know as the cult leader in Eaten Alive and the blonde punching bag from Man from Deep River). 

what shampoo is that, Charlie the Tuna # 5?

This film has my absolute favorite rock song by Nico Fidenco, with it's retarded lyrics about "Needing a special light to take a Picture of Love". Emanuelle's philosophy as a journalist is that she screws her way around the world (hence the title) and yet remains free from the entrapments of "love and commitment" all in the name of equality and liberation of course. This is the secret to her success as a traveling journalist (although she must have a scorching case of gonorrhea). 

I need some more change for the homework hotline

I love the fluorescent warehouse location her slimy boss resides at, in Emanuelle in America and in this one, it was super funny when she bails on her job and takes a vacation, basically telling him to fuck off. Nick Alexander, Al Cliver's disembodied voice shows up this time dubbing a bearded hippie who tells her about a love cult (hopefully it's not of the Mike Myers "Love Guru" variety). Brigitte Petronio, the blonde actress who gets sliced and diced with a straight razor in House on the Edge of the Park by David Hess shows up to fondle the Indonesian temptress. She looks kind of like Cindy Brady with tits and mentions that she was almost gang raped by a Middle Eastern slavery syndicate. 

I hope Hess didn't sneak his way onto the set to finish the razor job

Then later, what do you know, but Mr. Anthropophagus hisself shows up, George Eastman! He watches as some of the grossest dong suckling and bone smuggling happens with multiple partners (Bleccchhhhhh)! This film just goes to show, how ugly human sex can get, you may want to keep a Howard Scott Up-Chuck Cup ready under your chin! Eastman is supposed to be Indian (and is dubbed by a guy who sounds like Apu), but looks more like a B-rate Jesus impersonator.

Clean up on all the aisles

As they show Gemser being graphically penetrated, her spread open genitals turn into a Caucasian women's private parts (I'm guessing she wouldn't go the full nine for D'Amato, And I must commend her for this act of dignity). The Indian cult leader goes on about the caste system and how Kama Sutra is important or something. He even bones Emanuelle, who's about as hard to persuade to engage in casual sex as unscrewing a jar of already loosened pickles! 

Let's both pat our heads and rub our bellies at the same time

Just like in Erotic Nights, when Georgey boy has sex, they never show penetration, because it's probably in his "never nude contract clause". I like how she uses the same spy camera journalism watch from Emanuelle in America to get some snap shots (or ahem. . . "snatch shots"). It gets real ugly once she unveils a Middle Eastern sex slave ring that starts off with dumb girls in Rome being picked up and used. Then the plot goes into how Emanuelle wants to empower these women and try to undermine the sex slave trade by hooking up with the victimized girls. 

Rolls Royce driving hot shots lead the girls into a rape trap. One thug who looks kind of like a smoother faced Billy Drago sicks his henchmen on a blonde and they viciously rape her (this point of the film starts to get really dark)!

Billy Drago, post face lift

One of the scariest one-eyed lowlives with a burnt face and a neck brace shows up and picks a girl to engage in forced entry with just like he's choosing a crustacean from the tank at Red Lobster. That repulsive display just sort of ends abruptly and then she hooks up with some other nameless dude. 

     

Cripes!! What are you up to now Stephen Collins from TV's 7th Heaven?

Now in Hong Kong, she encounters a seriously frightening individual named Chang who has a dungeon with women he tortures and hysterically laughs at in the bowels of his Chinese restaurant. Some of these scenes are straight out of a 50's Mort Kuntsler pulp mag as the Asian fellow maniacally cackles then puts a snake into a women's vagina and forces a German Shepard to have sex with a tied up and scared female (this part was very depressing to me)!  

Pinch me, I'm so happy I must be dreaming!

During the last 20 minutes, Joltin' Joe actually makes a cameo appearance as one of the Mid East investors. One floppy haired butt chinned Saudi business man has a threesome with Emanuelle and a blonde, offering his oil up in return.

Joey "Baggadonuts" D'Amato in da house

There's so much depraved sleaze constantly flowing throughout this film that its hard to discern which is the most appalling scene (I guess you could flip a coin and choose). The last five minutes are seriously disturbing as a naked girl is raped by five homeless guys and even Emanuelle is sexually assaulted. She just shrugs it off and jet sets away with Rasimov onto another sequel. I'm thoroughly fascinated by these films, they are disgusting, offensive, ugly, exploitive and completely fascinating. There's no way you can recommended these to a novice though, you certainly have to brace yourself when you view an Emanuelle film or a Joe D'Amato one in general.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED FOR SICKOS ONLY!

experiencing erectile disfunction? Use a banana!

I specifically requested organically roasted hipster brew! 

Fatal Love

Fatal Love (Wei quing) Directed By Lo Gin, Starring Nga Lun (1993).

The soundtrack pulsates with the nauseating beat of hospital clicking noises and the loud thud of a heartbeat (No, Don't cue the Don Johnson song just yet)! Breasts are unwillingly squeezed, a scream is bleated out and self defense classes are taken in a flashback, as we see how the attractive female protagonist ended up half dead in a hospital bed. A mousey girl who plays a Streetfighter arcade game, frames another innocent female by planting drugs in her locker. This offense results in her expulsion from the academy and she gets majorly pissed. The bitchy girl's mother played by Maria Cordero, offers to cook a "celebration egg" for her daughter and knows that Debbie has a bad reputation as a notorious liar.   

the celebration egg was also featured in Defending Your Life

Debbie is played by Ellen Chan Nga-Lun of The Wizards Curse and The Eternal Evil of Asia, two films a lot better then this tepid mess. The jaunty keyboard/saxophone music was very nauseating to me. There are two officers that school her in the ways of being an undercover cop, one is chubby with a short face, the other has a long face and giant ears. The subs fly at the screen so fast, that I had to rewind them a lot and the quick cutting makes it seem as if they left some major story elements on the cutting room floor (I was confused as to what was happening). What garbled mishmash I can piece together is that she must find a gangster named Fun Tin (Michael Wong Man-Tak) and either arrest or assassinate him. According to the synopsis on Imdb, after being thrown out of the police academy, she takes a job as an undercover spy to take down a murderous business tycoon.

Oh Hell no, I won't put out my cigarette 

 Debbie lies to her mom and says she's becoming a karaoke singer, nice cover up right? That's gotta be one of the worst story ever, but her dumb mother buys it! She immediately impresses a philanthropist named Fun Tin on the golf course and he checks out her butt in those tight pants. They go to a French restaurant and he tries to impress her with his ordering skills (man, this is pretty tame for a Cat III film that Chas described as "knocking your dick in the dirt", he was talking about the ending though . . .we shall see if said painful scenario will pan out).

Hong Kong Caddy Shack

They waste a lot of time, establishing their idiotic relationship which includes lots of exercising and dinners (wake me up when something interesting happens)! I like how she has a Bart Simpson alarm clock though, that was cool. She catches him engaged in some very kinky sex that includes a boxcutter, cigarette burns, it's mildly disturbing and also some foreshadowing for the finale. OK, so I'm willing to give this film the benefit of the doubt, perhaps it will get better. Fun Tin likes to collect guns and show them off, he carries an illegal hollow point bullet that we'll hopefully see do some rip roaring damage later (it doesn't).

Shorty and Long Face coming soon to the cast of Brooklyn Nine-Nine on FOX

Miss Chan is weary of this psycho and asks him if he enjoys hunting and he basically retorts with, "man is the most enjoyable animal to kill". There's nothing more frustrating than white on white subs, and Fatal Love has enough that you miss out on certain plot points. Luckily there's not much going on.

Fun plays a round of Street Fighter with a random girl and rapes her in a dark room, then it gets worse as he chops her up with a broken bottle and films it. The fanciful music is really annoying and threatens to take you out of the film.

All of a sudden the film takes a turn in the La Femme Nikita direction and Miss Chan is ordered to take out this psycho druglord. I hope it makes a u-turn and steers into gore town, I'm hoping that ending will deliver. For the second half of the film, he calls himself Fuk Tin (I'm thinking the subtitle people were smoking dope and couldn't type)! 
    

nothing worse than inferior Yam!

Tin should've been played by Simon Yam, he's a hybrid of his gangster character from The Naked Killer and Dr. Lamb with less interesting results (and for readers who didn't check out my Dr. Lamb critique, I pretty much despised it). The characters in this film are interchangeable and at times I thought the two females were the same person and I never do that! After reading the synopsis however I realized they are the same person in disguise, Doh! They add a dumpy Aunt character who's incredibly annoying. I hope that it hasn't come to the point where ToG has fully scraped all the chum from the bottom of the Deep Red bootleg catalog, but this one is really tedious and not worth checking out. 

With 23 minutes to go, Fuk kidnaps a random woman and douses her with gasoline--what is the point? The violence that finally surfaces is gratuitous and has no connection to the plot, which makes it completely ineffective and useless. Fuk Tin tricks Chan into falling in love with him (hence the title) and snapping soon after. After they have slow erotic sex (Yawn), he ties her up and rams a giant funnel down her throat. They cut away as he pours an assortment of liquids (two whole bottles of Scotch) and cereal down her throat. She timidly vomits a little bit (when she should look like Daniella Doria from Fulci's Gates of Hell). There's also another film under the same title with Molly Ringwald, try not to get them confused. 

Here's my Pee Wee Herman mad dog tooth brushing impression

SKIP IT! NOT WORTH SEEING!

Wetlands

Wetlands Directed By David Wnendt, Carla Juri (2013). 

This film currently streaming on Netflix shocked and nauseated me and that's pretty hard to achieve! Just imagine if Diablo Cody or Miranda July were perverted mentally unhinged exhibitionists and attempted to do their own version of Human Centipede. It was adapted from the partially autobiographic account of Charlotte Roche. Just in the first few paragraphs that I'd read of the book, my impression was that she should've just called it "Butthole: a memoir". I mean the word is written at least twenty times in a row and that's in the first couple of pages. I find perverted and controversial material very compelling and this film, which has a very adorable little German actress named Carla Juri is titillating as well as vile. I had the same reaction when I watched "Rad Girls" an all female Canadian version of Jackass on MTV. Pretty girls sticking things up their orifices, eating pubic hair and fingering their anuses is not usually seen depicted outside of hardcore porn, it's all about the "context" and it goes out of its way to be raunchy and shocking.    

pick a winner!

 This revolting film, unsuspectingly sandwiched on instant between Lillyhammer and Orange is the New Black has a minefield of female yuckiness going for it (period face painting anyone?) it gave me the heebies jeebies more than one occasion. Scenes depicting a German skater girl smearing her lower extremities on a scabies ridden toilet seat and accidentally popping her anus with a razor was enough to make me want to throw up, but of course I didn't and it only compelled me to stick it out further to see what other events might cause me to regret turning this on. 

then you must love those San Francisco pay toilet/ drug dens

I immensely enjoyed Wetlands however, it's challenging, well made and forced me to question why am I so grossed out by simple natural bodily fluids and functions when they just happen to come from a cute female. The film is thought provoking and pushes all kinds of double standard buttons about feminine hygiene. For the gross out factor alone, I think it would fit along with Singapore Sling (which has a similar looking protagonist) and maybe Ebola Syndrome, had a women taken over in the Anthony Wong role. Is it worth all the trauma your face muscles will suffer from all the over cringing, possibly! I've never seen this much shocking imagery outside of a category III and this isn't even a horror film! The drawback of instant streaming is that you must judge everything by the image (you have to go out of your way to even check to see who directed it). The cover of this film looks like it might star Miranda July, I hope some unsuspecting conservative prude gets all wrapped up in the story line and than freaks out, sort of like what happened when a parent rented Pink Flamingos after they found out it was by the same director of the PG family friendly Hairspray. This is just wishful thinking, in today's instant gratification there's noway this would ever happen sadly.

when does Ricki Lake or John Travolta start dancing?

A similar thing about blindly picking a random digital videobox happened to me the first time Dark Horse by Todd Solonz magically appeared on instant without warning. This is a director who's work I mostly enjoy and the cover of an 80's gold name plate on a hairy chest didn't really make me want to click the start button, but had I not, I sorely would've missed out on one of the best comedies to come along in awhile. 

 Wetlands is not a comedy however, it's an endurance test of repulsion, like a pornographic horny garbage pail kid it chugs along continually sickening everything in its wake. The star of the film is an adorable little curly haired runt and it fucks with your libido because she's very cute, but does things that trigger my gag reflex! I don't recommend eating while you view this, a scene which made me want to puke shows a cum-covered pizza, complete with a coagulating opera of graphic en masse masturbation. I've got to hand it to David Wnent, the director and cinematographer Jakub Bejnarowicz, they really pulled together what should fall flat on its face into something vibrant, effective and visually compelling.
   

Guy Fieri's Sperm sample pizza anyone?

 There were many storyline flaws for me however, for one-- there's no explanation as to why Helen Memel (Juri), the main character is plagued by constant hemorrhoid trauma. Her parents are two of the worst humans I've seen in awhile, the mother is a cold and clinical disciplinarian and the father is vacant and stupid (he gives his daughter a hemorrhoid balloon that the surgeon mentions will cause her more anal trauma). The love and friendship interests are forced and one dimensional, considering her best friend is a girl who once pooped on her boyfriend's chest and is immediately rejected when she reveals to Hellen that she is pregnant. The main character is an attention hog and reminded me of this HBO documentary I vaguely remember, about a woman who has a mental illness/ hospital fetish. She would intentionally make herself sick with by inflicting wounds in the hospital or cause toxic shock, so that she could milk the system and receive the constant medical attention she craved. Half the film takes place in a hospital after Helen gets anal surgery. The chemistry between her makeshift bedside attendant and later on boyfriend is nonexistent. If you want to see a seriously gruesome, nice looking oddity then by all means throw this one on, the most shocking thing to me, was that I found this on Netflix, who seriously lack in quality cult entertainment, which is why I prefer Fandor. 

WATCH IT ON NF BEFORE THEY FIND OUT AND YANK IT!       

GET ME SOME PREPARATION H!