Sunday, February 1, 2015


Wetlands Directed By David Wnendt, Carla Juri (2013). 

This film currently streaming on Netflix shocked and nauseated me and that's pretty hard to achieve! Just imagine if Diablo Cody or Miranda July were perverted mentally unhinged exhibitionists and attempted to do their own version of Human Centipede. It was adapted from the partially autobiographic account of Charlotte Roche. Just in the first few paragraphs that I'd read of the book, my impression was that she should've just called it "Butthole: a memoir". I mean the word is written at least twenty times in a row and that's in the first couple of pages. I find perverted and controversial material very compelling and this film, which has a very adorable little German actress named Carla Juri is titillating as well as vile. I had the same reaction when I watched "Rad Girls" an all female Canadian version of Jackass on MTV. Pretty girls sticking things up their orifices, eating pubic hair and fingering their anuses is not usually seen depicted outside of hardcore porn, it's all about the "context" and it goes out of its way to be raunchy and shocking.    

pick a winner!

 This revolting film, unsuspectingly sandwiched on instant between Lillyhammer and Orange is the New Black has a minefield of female yuckiness going for it (period face painting anyone?) it gave me the heebies jeebies more than one occasion. Scenes depicting a German skater girl smearing her lower extremities on a scabies ridden toilet seat and accidentally popping her anus with a razor was enough to make me want to throw up, but of course I didn't and it only compelled me to stick it out further to see what other events might cause me to regret turning this on. 

then you must love those San Francisco pay toilet/ drug dens

I immensely enjoyed Wetlands however, it's challenging, well made and forced me to question why am I so grossed out by simple natural bodily fluids and functions when they just happen to come from a cute female. The film is thought provoking and pushes all kinds of double standard buttons about feminine hygiene. For the gross out factor alone, I think it would fit along with Singapore Sling (which has a similar looking protagonist) and maybe Ebola Syndrome, had a women taken over in the Anthony Wong role. Is it worth all the trauma your face muscles will suffer from all the over cringing, possibly! I've never seen this much shocking imagery outside of a category III and this isn't even a horror film! The drawback of instant streaming is that you must judge everything by the image (you have to go out of your way to even check to see who directed it). The cover of this film looks like it might star Miranda July, I hope some unsuspecting conservative prude gets all wrapped up in the story line and than freaks out, sort of like what happened when a parent rented Pink Flamingos after they found out it was by the same director of the PG family friendly Hairspray. This is just wishful thinking, in today's instant gratification there's noway this would ever happen sadly.

when does Ricki Lake or John Travolta start dancing?

A similar thing about blindly picking a random digital videobox happened to me the first time Dark Horse by Todd Solonz magically appeared on instant without warning. This is a director who's work I mostly enjoy and the cover of an 80's gold name plate on a hairy chest didn't really make me want to click the start button, but had I not, I sorely would've missed out on one of the best comedies to come along in awhile. 

 Wetlands is not a comedy however, it's an endurance test of repulsion, like a pornographic horny garbage pail kid it chugs along continually sickening everything in its wake. The star of the film is an adorable little curly haired runt and it fucks with your libido because she's very cute, but does things that trigger my gag reflex! I don't recommend eating while you view this, a scene which made me want to puke shows a cum-covered pizza, complete with a coagulating opera of graphic en masse masturbation. I've got to hand it to David Wnent, the director and cinematographer Jakub Bejnarowicz, they really pulled together what should fall flat on its face into something vibrant, effective and visually compelling.
Guy Fieri's Sperm sample pizza anyone?

 There were many storyline flaws for me however, for one-- there's no explanation as to why Helen Memel (Juri), the main character is plagued by constant hemorrhoid trauma. Her parents are two of the worst humans I've seen in awhile, the mother is a cold and clinical disciplinarian and the father is vacant and stupid (he gives his daughter a hemorrhoid balloon that the surgeon mentions will cause her more anal trauma). The love and friendship interests are forced and one dimensional, considering her best friend is a girl who once pooped on her boyfriend's chest and is immediately rejected when she reveals to Hellen that she is pregnant. The main character is an attention hog and reminded me of this HBO documentary I vaguely remember, about a woman who has a mental illness/ hospital fetish. She would intentionally make herself sick with by inflicting wounds in the hospital or cause toxic shock, so that she could milk the system and receive the constant medical attention she craved. Half the film takes place in a hospital after Helen gets anal surgery. The chemistry between her makeshift bedside attendant and later on boyfriend is nonexistent. If you want to see a seriously gruesome, nice looking oddity then by all means throw this one on, the most shocking thing to me, was that I found this on Netflix, who seriously lack in quality cult entertainment, which is why I prefer Fandor. 




  1. Weird, I'll have to see that. I thought it might be lame based on the cover. It sounds like it might be similar to "A Real Young Girl" which is another really weird oversexed puberty film from 1976.


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