Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The Johnsons

The Johnsons Directed by Rolf Van Der Berg. (1992)
It starts off with the volcanic looking inside view of a c-section birth, seven mutated brothers are delivered. The sleep deprived doctor puts on a magic ring and stops off at the side of the road, then goes into a pond and smears his face with yellow excrement. He yells incantations at the moon as a sinister bubble baby (or Xangadix) rises from a pool of flames. A female journalist's daughter Emalee Lucas is having blood drenched nightmares about seven bald mutant children as they paint fetus' on the walls. She has yet to get her period (I'm only referencing this because they keep bringing it up and there's a stupid dance number where she drops a tampon into a glass of water).
     Later on Professor Keller a leading expert on demonology sees a film strip with clay masked natives. The same natives visit the daughter again in a dream and gang rape her. Keller is told by a detective that the mutant children from the beginning are psychopaths that went on a murder spree and have to be stopped, they are all now 21. Chas Balun really oversold this Dutch train wreck, which had three people writing it (one being Street Trash director Roy Frumkes) and it doesn't really add up to anything all that cohesive. Skunkape kept warning me not to bother, but I had to check it out for myself. The seven brothers end up in a Super Max style prison, they attack a prison guard and refuse to speak thier only form of communication is to paint those pesky fetus's on the wall in human blood. Read about the behind the scenes randomness on The Temple Of Shock blog
it doesn't seem like it was supposed to be this confusing! 

      It's kind of a shame because there are some decent camera shots and gore scenes (but they are wasted on this clunky mess)!
      There's is tons of padding (Ha! get it Pad?) and the mother and daughter go camping almost like in a Maxi pad commercial! The seven brothers are related to Emalee and plan on having an incest baby with her that will destroy the world! The head chopping,bath fighting,electric knife wielding mayhem doesn't start till the last forty minutes and you don't really need to sit through all the b-movie chatter, just fast forward up to that point. Luckily the brothers show up one by one and can easily be dispatched by a teenage girl (did they really need to be in a maximum security prison then)? The evil baby is more pathetic then a soggy cabbage patch doll and The Manitou would pummel it in a fight! 


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