Thursday, November 8, 2012

Night Train To Terror

Night Train To Terror (1985) Directed/Produced by Jay Schlossberg-Cohen. Starring Richard Moll.

It kicks off with an incredibly retarded New Wave band that sings "Everybodies Got Something to Do, Everybody but you!" (they are talking to us losers the viewers)! 
Night Train to Terror is a mixture of 3 films (Cataclysm: The Nightmare Never Ends, Deathwish Club and Scream Your Head Off ). God and Satan are on a train together by a glowing table, Satan says I'm the party guy (He's into cocaine) and God disagrees but defends rock and roll, they introduce this random mess! It comes off like a high quality Tales From The Darkside episode or an early Jim Wynorski (Chopping Mall). Richard Moll (who only grows out his hair for horror films) plays a devious insanity ward attendant. In the last story he plays an TV show agnostic (who looks like Televangelist Bob Tilton). John Philip Law (Diabolik himself) undergoes shock therapy and then shows up in a bar. Scenes randomly collide into each other randomly and its very hard to follow (but has tons of naked processed bleach blondes). Lobotomies, meat clever mayhem and cute girls being chained to beds.This one was never finished but what remains is pretty good. There's a room full of dismembered hacked up body parts. A Criswell sounding narrator says bodies were sold to medical schools around the world. Lobotomized patients lobotomize others and Richard Moll and John Phillip Law fight in a hallway, ending in Bull's decapitation. 

God Satan and The MTV new wave/ aerobics band interject again and introduce the next story. A hollywood starlet who works at a carnival gets exploited in live sex shows. The narration recreates what is happening on the screen, I haven't seen the original, but what I can gather is that its a rich people club (or The Death Wish club). A giant green claymation fly attacks a guy's face and it explodes in a rain of gore. A game of death is played with a female Dave Foley, ditzy blonde, a young Bill Maher (with a Triumph The Insult Comic Dog cartoony voice) and a Lionel Richie impersonator, who before being electrocuted says "Excuse me while I Smoke"!!! His face contorts into a Garrett Morris style puppet (from The Stuff)! 

This movie is really fun and campy, taking three forgotten or lost films and combining them into one good time worked for me! God and Satan are trying to decide which soul they want to claim. That "EveryBodies Got Something to do" song is played incessantly and gets stuck in your head! 
       The third film has Nazis who machine gun partygoers in a nightmare. Cameron Mitchell, like Mel Ferrer and John Carradine will do anything for a buck and a free lunch shows up to channel William Shatner's acting skills is in this story. A David Cassidy lookalike vampire nazi is found out by a holocaust survivor. Richard Moll wants to spread the propaganda that God is Dead and a Manson like figure shows up on his doorstep with a 666 tattoo to warn him. There's a satanic conspiracy spearheaded by David Cassidy. This film must have been really good, because most of it is highjacked for Night Train. Next we are at a disco with snake handling strippers, the David Cassidy nazi vampire takes off his shoe revealing a cloven hoof. A giant Terminator Cyborg/ CHUD steps on a clay figure and burns people on crosses. People have put this in the Plan 9 category and I tend to agree, meaning its really goofy, fun and entertaining. There are many continuity errors, so its hard to take anything seriously. There is a lot of cool Harryhausen style claymation! For some reason Cataclysm by itself was on the Video Nasty list!     

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Judge Harry Stone?

Seriously folks God is Dead!



  1. One I will not soon forget. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

  2. it's good in a Tales From The Darkside hatchet editing job with nudity, so pretty good I'd say.


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