Sunday, November 11, 2012


Conquest Directed By Lucio Fulci. Starring Jorge Rivero (1983).

There are so many hilarious user reviews of this sword & sorcery/ Beast Master/Conan/ Star Wars fuzzy nightmare that I almost want to cut and paste this review together, but I won’t. Having just gotten really fried and recently watched this with Skunkape, I must confess that it is only watchable with the lowest expectations known to mankind and definitely make sure that you are appropriately blasted.
            I imagine Fulci smeared peanut butter on the lense to give it that mosaic, pixeled look and then hired an extensive smoke machine crew that set them on continuous full power. Why Fulci wanted to hide all the amazing creatures is confusing (or will there be a special, special edition where they clean up the foggy negative)? I only wish there were action figures for the various creatures (if there are Last Starfighter figures and Space Precinct ones, you know Conquest figures are possible).
             The Simonetti score sounds like Knight Rider played backwards. The costume design looks like Robert E. Howard and Bob Guccione!  It’s like Heavy Metal the movie meets The Elder era Kiss with some Metal Storm thrown in. There are Wolf men, beady eyed Snow men, Beastmaster like Swamp men, Ape men and a naked body builder sorceress in a gold Puma Man mask! They periodically jump around, do crazy acrobatic flips and fight the hero of Conquest, Mace! The only film I  recognized Mace (Jorge Rivera) from was MST3K’s WereWolf! There are some of the Fulci staples in this one; like a woman being torn in half as her entrails fall out onto the cave floor. An innocent caveman carrying pelts and food is shot and murdered by Mace and his boyfriend Ilias (who shoots Tron like arrows from his lazerbow)! It all would have worked better if they cleaned up the negatives, I mean its just as retarded as the Cannon Masters of The Universe movie or Conan The Destroyer! This is on my bucket list of Fulci flicks along with Aenigma, Sodoma’s Ghost and Murder Rock.

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