The Visitor

The Visitor Directed By Giulio Paradisi Starring Paige Conner (1979)

   Ovidio Assonitis, the king of all ripoffs wrote this film. The description of his former job as an Egyptian caterer on IMDb sounds like he's the original Fuad Ramses (care for an Egyptian feast)? He's worked with a lot of heavyweights in the industry as a Cannon producer of tons of dreck like Tentacles, Beyond The Door and Lambada, the fact that he's successfully made a career out of plagiarizing plot points and reinserting them into other films that basically add up to headache collages, is a triumph in itself and I respect the shamelessness!

Ovidio just exudes sleaze

   The score by Franco Micalizzi really outshines the film, but its appallingly confusing to me how many stars were clamoring to be in on this sinking ship of Pong and demonic conspiracies. Katy Collins, is an alien girl from a snowy planet (Hoth)? in a Farrah Fawcett hairdo is being watched over by ominous voices and John Huston in a wizard cloak.

The next Electric Wizard album cover

   The film takes us over the red hills of Mars to a basket ball game with Lance Henriksen and exploding slam-dunks. Joanne Nail (who I'll always remember as Maggie from Switchblade Sisters) plays Katy's young sexy mom.

I wasn't this abused in Switchblade Sisters

   Huston presides over a bunch of skinheads on a rooftop, this movie is setting up a lot of oddities, which will most likely taper off and its counting on the fact that you will hopefully not remember them. Mel Ferrer, the king of all cannibal and exploitation bit parts shows up as an executive who's involved in The Visitor conspiracy.

    Apparently Barbara (Joanne Nail) has a magical womb that produces super children, however she’s not quick enough to escape a tiny alien girl slaming her face into an aquarium! Katy receives a loaded gun for her birthday that accidentally goes off and paralyzes her mother, but it seems all part of the Visitor conspiracy (just wait.. it will all make sense, fingers crossed)!

   Jake (Glenn Ford) investigates the accentual/ possibly intentional shooting. Then Shelley Winters shows up as a housekeeper with caged birds, that believes in intergalactic bullshit. According to Paige Conner in the Code Red making of documentary Shelley actually slapped the shit out of her!!! You gotta wonder with all the desperate star power involved, were they all paid in booze?

   Ford shows up at Katy’s elementary school and she tells him to fuck off (according to IMDB, the actress was no Linda Blair and felt awkward having to swear at adults). Meanwhile John Huston is still on the roof with his skinhead army as Katy's evil bird latches onto Jake's face and pulls his eyeball out! and he explodes in a carwreck.

(SPOILER ALERT)!

   Then after a nice day at the mall, Katy hits the ice skating rink and tears the living shit out of a couple of dudes in Osmond bowl haircuts, sailing one through a jagged glass window. Huston finally makes his way to Katy's family residence and his name is Jerzy Coleslaw? (no wait it's Jerzy Colsowicz! same difference)! Coleslaw is an alien wizard guardian from a distant snow planet who shows up to play Pong on a giant TV screen. I get the feeling if this film weren't a giant dud they would have commissioned a TV series (I mean they gave the green light to a lot of questionable bullshit during the 70's)! The film quality looks like an smaltzy perfume ad.

care for a game of face eating hawk Pong?

   Sam Peckinpah shows up as an abortion doctor (and you could blink and miss him, he was also dubbed). Barbara's car breakdown and aliens show up and take her away for an anal probe.

   Later on Katy's giant bird attacks her in the house (and even knows how to turn doorknobs)! The Visitor is a total incoherent mess, that's oddly entertaining (I feel like I've tacked that onto a lot of reviews)! It all ends with a bunch of bald midgets and Franco Nero? as a Jesus like figure in a spaghetti wig. It took me a few times to watch this film and I don't blame you if you don't stick it out, it rewards you with nothing except a giant question mark hovering over your head. Is Katy an alien, possessed? A reincarnated ice queen from another universe? It's not worth thinking about and I think the team behind this mess, just tossed whatever ideas they had at a wall and whatever stuck, they filmed! Total trash, but definitely entertaining!

Welcome to my all midget rock opera version of Godspell

Mork calling Orson

Not the first time, I was this high and acted in a crappy movie

Blue Jeans Monster

Blue Jeans Monster: The Monster Wore Jeans (Jeuk Ngau Foo Dik Jung) directed by Kai-Ming Lai (1991)

   Blue Jeans Monster is a conundrum wrapped in a puzzle box tucked into a delicious bucket of Lo Mein. It has some red flags that went off in my head while me and skunkape watched it. It's yet another Category III that is light on the sex and gore, but definitely offensive and may have been written by a 3rd grader who recently saw Robocop, Dead Heat and The Incredible Hulk 70's TV show. The director and screenwriter Kai-Ming Lai, who also wrote Daughter Of Darkness (1993) must be a pseudonym, I suspect it's a small child.  

I'm always enchanted when I see this logo!

   Many of the same actors from Her Vengeance show up in this one, minus the most important character, Ching-Ying Lam (the unibrowed wizard from Mr. Vampire and the crippled bad ass from Her Vengeance). But don't let that upset you because there are plenty of wacky characters to hold your interest. It does have gruesome looking bit player Fui-On Shing (The Untold Story, and a lot of early John Woo flicks), finally getting his big break in a starring role as The Blue Jeans Monster! Shing sadly passed away in 2009.

I'm a roided out juice head

   So how the hell does he turn into such a denim wearing behemoth and what super powers is he equipped with? Tsu Hsiang (the alter ego of the Blue Jeans Monster) is a cop who stupidly chases down bank robbers into a dead end by a steel mill, full of traps including a crane with iron rods able to drop onto your head Clarence Bodicker & Ray Wise Robocop style. Hsiang gets pinned under the death weight and slowly expires.

that cat has a magical gallbladder

    Later on that night during a lightning storm, a supernatural cat and 1.21 Gigawatts turn him into an reanimated monster with glowing yellow eyes. He sort of resembles a Chinese Frankenstein or Lou Ferrigno and now seals up his wounds with cookie batter and tampons! His wife Chu (played by Pauline Wong) and their wacky crippled roommate Power Steering have no idea that he has no pulse, but is able to carry conversations and eat (well not really) because all his food falls out of his stomach cavity like an Itchy and Scratchy episode. Power Steering accidentally eats a half digested meal that falls out and gets sick! His wife Chu is pregnant and worried that her husband is losing interest in her, so a girlfriend convinces her to surprise him with a prostitute named Death Rays (played by well endowed Amy Yip from Robotrix, Erotic Ghost Story).

a delightful milk bath

    A slight mishap occurs, which ruptures her tits and they shoot milk everywhere! (I don't blame the scriptwriter, at 11 years old, I would've believed the same thing too)! Blues Jeans makes a homemade defibrillator and is hooked like an electricity junkie!

   Non sequitors and general weirdness to look out for in this film are as follows, an awesome Dominoes Pizza Noid stuffed doll, Chu's friend that tells "This is the 90's" and that her baby can hold a man's penis while inside, saying "that's why it has no teeth! 

don't worry, I'm not a pedo it's the 90's

   Three soda jerks, who in order to prove they didn't have sex with a beastly girl, perform the patented squeeze the Big Macs test to see which one has the "two hand on one breast fondle technique". In the babies room, the production designer put very uncomfortable naked white baby pictures with their genitals exposed (Healthy White Babies for sale, get 'em while they're hot)!

Boobs feel exactly like Hamburger buns

   Mr. Blue Jeans is not much of a superhero at all, just a dead cop who makes a promise to himself to live long enough to see his child born,which is admirable. Sadly no one recharged him, because there were no sequels made after this one.

I have sympathy for the poor lug

I'm Chinese Emperor Palpatine

NO LINK

7 Lucky Ninja Kids

7 Lucky Ninja Kids Directed By Chen-Kuo Chao. Starring a bunch of kids who need therapy now (1986)

   There are certain headscratching movies where you sit there with your jaw on the floor and can't believe how insanely bad and awesome what you are watching is! Something so oddly inept and yet compelling, doesn't come around too often (some of examples that come to my mind right now are Virgins From Hell and The Manitou). Skunkape was gracious enough to dig up this lost kiddie flick, that blatantly steals from tons of big budgeted Hollywood flicks (I'll mention those as they pop up) and its soundtrack is completely stolen. If any lawyers are reading, Chen Chao is most likely on your unlicensed song copyrighted wanted list, his wear abouts are unknown and theaterofguts.com has no information!

   I've read online that certain people have fond memories of this flick as children, or wonder if they dreamt it or something. 

   I had a similar experience with an oddball Italian Aladdin flick with Bud Spencer that I later found out had all the people responsible for Zombie involved (Fabio Frizzi, Dardano Sarchetti, all minus Lucio Fulci)! I guess that one was fate! I'd imagine if I had seen any of the 3 Ninjas kick Back films this would be it's Chinese counterpart (but I grew up in the 80's and didn't have to sit through those)! 

Don't fuck with a ninja newsboy!

   Lucky Ninja Kids starts off with individual character fight montages and a Chinese Kidz Bop  version of "Like A Virgin". There is a lot of stolen music,The Cat People, Halloween 1 & 2, Survivor's "Burning Heart".

   So who are these Lucky kids anyway? There's Dum-dum, Fatty, Rambo, Judy and a couple others I forget (there's spotty info on IMDB concerning this film)!  

The kids all dress like Newsies (with Caps, suspenders and giant ties) when they visit a grown up restaurant  The children are very mean to eat other, incessantly referring to each other as stupid jerks! The boys say things like "girls are gross" which is normal, but also my grandpa told me "never trust a woman", seems odd!

Yeah see, I-gotta find those dirty raat ninja kids

   Drug lords are conducting business while the kiddies are trying to figure out how to eat like fancy adults. 

   There's a diamond on the dancefloor mixed in with ice, spinning table scene directly lifted from the beginning of Temple Of Doom! Most of the kids sound like the same voice actors on Lancelot Link!

  There's a gangster wearing an eyepatch that has a Edward G. Robinson voice looking for the diamond.  

You got served

   There are a lot of sunglass wearing inept gangsters fighting in parking garages. After a Clock and Dagger ripoff scene with a man falling from a stair well, the kids start fighting the gangsters. These thugs fear the ninja kids (everyone has those cartoony Godfrey Ho style dubbed voices)! The Halloween music periodically shows up and I keep expecting to see an Asian Michael Meyers (John Carpenter most likely never saw 7 Lucky Ninja Kids)! The bumbling gangsters get very tedious fast and wear out their welcome! The kids get wrapped up in a breakdance battle at a Roller Disco (while Wham plays). During one scene (as "I Just called to say I love you" by Stevie Wonder plays), a cross dresser named "Mole Blossum" comes down the stairs and all the kids start talking in unison, all saying "she is a creature who makes you want to throw up on the floor". 

Mole Blossum is ready for her close-up

   During the last few minutes two Americans beat the shit out of the kids, tossing one kid through a plate glass window (which looks real)! Ninja Kids is a huge steaming pile of fluff and not entirely appropriate for kids, but seems geared toward children, so I dunno is it worth seeking out? It's monumentally retarded and may give you a brain hemorrhage, so you've been warned! Thanks to the Alamo Drafthouse crew for the tip off on this film.

Somebody call the child labor hotline!

Stop calling me Lavar Burton Fool!

Interview with David Zuzelo of Tomb It May Concern

Hello Creeps, It's your old pal Cranky here! Today on TOG I'm dressed in the carcass of Andy Rooney for my interview with David Zuzelo, a former Deep Red writer and current Franco-phile, Mattei maniac and Lindberg obsessive. I urge you to buy a copy of his book on Italian Action, Exploitation flicks called Tough To Kill! (click the link below and purchase one).Also visit his highly entertaining blog Tomb It May Concern 

First Issue Dave Appeared in

1.how did you meet Chas Balun and how do you view the legacy of Deep Red magazine

I was, like every other horror fan that was reading, hypnotized by Chas' enthusiasm in Gorezone and Deep Red. He was selling tapes back then, but I never actually ordered anything until attending Fantacon where he (and Dario Argento) had set up shop. After some spirited conversation, of which there really wasn't any other type with him to my experience, he told me to get off my ass and write up what we just talked about. That was the Fulci piece "Splintering The Mind's Eye" for Deep Red Alert. Wow! did my first draft stink, but Chas. was beyond helpful, even getting me an Italian copy of the "rare" Murder Rock to watch. It was a total blast and inspired me to write and share my passion for completely trashy cinema, just as he did. Of course, I always was looking to watch the stuff that Chas. HATED! just as much as the films he loved. That is how much his energy infected me, I wanted to see the DOG flicks really badly.

The infamous Bow-wow rating

Deep Red's legacy is pretty massive in my eyes. It took the scholarship out of the equation on the surface, and rabid enthusiasm was the order of the day. But Chas. knew his shit and wasn't afraid to pick sides about movies and chop up and serve sacred cow sirloin at any time. He added a voice to fandom that never tried to toe the line other Fangoria publications seemed to try to keep. The "OH MY GOD HALLOWEEN 4 IS GONNA ROCK" followed by "OH MY GOD HALLOWEEN 4 IS TERRIBLE NOW THAT YOU HAVE SEEN IT" stuff that made me crazy was gone. Good on all the editors for bringing Chas. to all our homes, and in turn bringing Deep Red to my attention. Plus, I read the Deep Red Horror Handbook until it broke into pieces.

Bruno Mattei: I make no apologies!

2. What is the worst film by Bruno Mattei in your opinion?

 Worst Bruno Mattei? No such thing, they are all equally Bruno. If you go from his most loved classics, I would say that Zombies: The Beginning is equally entertaining and his tireless drive in the exploitation field makes his filmography above criticism from me. Least favorite maybe? Can't come up with one! It's a case of what you are looking for. I really enjoyed some of his off kilter comedies like the Cicciolina flick and the immensely awesome THREE FOR ONE where a nerdy chick crushes the tools that mocked her by making them beg to get in her pants. I'm not a comedy guy, but Bruno could make me laugh!

 

it's a Psychedelic Franco Freakout

3. What are some underrated films by Jess Franco that people should re-evaluate?

Franco is endlessly up for re-evaluation if you ask me. The presentations of his work have changed a lot over the last 15 years, and we still have nice discs that don't show off his best work such as the Erotic Rites Of Frankenstein preserving the softer cut. For under-rated I wrote a lot about the One Shot films of the 90s and still enjoy them. Red Lips is really crazy! Also, some of those nutty 80s comedy things with Lina as Lulu Laverne are unique and entertaining. So much is lost in the language translation, I give them a lot of extra credit. And no matter what Lina looked like, Franco always shot her as the most beautiful woman in the room, it's amazing to watch!

the sultry Lina Romay

 4. What do you think are some of the most ripped off films in Italian exploitation cinema besides The Warriors or Escape from NY?

I guess I'd say the Rambo/Merc/Cannon pics boom of the 80s is my favorite "rip off" cycle, but I've always wanted to create a line of EuroShark Blu Rays. You can't beat recycled sharks and Hulk Hogan wannabes battling "Tigah Shahks!"

Stay off my beach Brother!

5. Top 5 favorite Christine Lindberg films

 Thriller-A Cruel Picture for all, I have a really deep passion for the film that I still chuckle thinking about carrying cash in my sock on a plane flying to meet Bo Vibenius to get the rights to release it. Christina is just so iconic, and Thriller is the best showcase of that. I like 'em all, though I don't think she ever really commands the entire film like Thriller. The vacuuming scene in Wide Open is pretty great, and I love the forced English on her and her Japanese companion in Sex And Fury. Bonus? She is incredibly nice in real life and has as much grace as she does style and sex appeal!

just hand over that sock full of money

6. Please talk about your blog, book and any other projects you have coming up

 My blog is athttp://david-z.blogspot.com and has been online for about 6 years, and it's my third web space. It's really just a place for me to catalog my obsessions du jour. Tons of Lina n' Christina, Jess n' Bruno and of course Joe D'Amato. I also co-authored TOUGH TO KILL with Paul Cooke some time back. It covers loads of action films from directors like Mattei and Bava and featuring the beefiest dudes of the 80s blowing up huts. I say follow your passions and Reb Brown screaming JAKODA!!! is one of them. You can get copies here:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/david-zuzelo/tough-to-kill-volume-1-italian-action-explosion/paperback/product-2530590.html

I've been lucky enough to work with some of my heroes in the last few years, including Dan Taylor at Exploitation Retrospect and Tim Paxton and Brian Harris on Weng's Chop. I'm finishing up a long and HARD look at Joe D'Amato porn of the 90s. Can my penis survive watching almost (or more than) 60 porn films in a month? We'll see...

Thanks for the chance to chat, I hope everyone can share just one bit of their enthusiasm for the weird and wacky stuff that makes our hobby / cinematic dumpster diving so much fun!

All the best,

David Z

Let My Puppets Come

Gerard Damiano should be one of the richest filmmakers in history. He brought porn into the mainstream with the smash hit Deep Throat in 1972, but with the mafia running the distribution and most of the industry he was cut out of all its financial success. In 1976, seven films later he wrote and directed the X-rated puppet film "Let My Puppets Come". The title is a parody of the Broadway musical "Let My People Come."

  The "Creative Concepts, Systems and Procedures, Brothers Unlimited, INC."(The CCSPBU) is broke and out of ideas. To make matters worse they owe half a million dollars to Mr. Big and only have 24 hours to get the money. I wonder if the storyline was inspired by Damiano's dealings and frustrations with the mob? Luckily, Jimmy the mailman who delivered the bad news offers a solution, that they make a porno film in order to get quick cash!

THE CAST

Left to Right - Jimmy, Red, Fred, and Ned

Can't forget Gramps!

The CCSPBU is made of Red, Fred, Ned, Gramps, and their secretary Mrs. Bliss.(Clitoris Leechman).They  immediately begin coming up with ideas. Jimmy offers a tale of beastiality where a lonely women's dog takes advantage of her. Red thinks of recreating the popular horny nurse fantasy and Gramps comes up with a massage parlor idea where a happy ending is sure to take place. Ned wants to do a movie about a blow fish that actually sucks you off while swimming in the ocean.When the brainstorming session is over Fred decides before they go any further they need to cover the technical side of the film. Jimmy visits one of his old buddies Lash, an ex-videographer in the porn industry and now a local sex shop owner. He reluctantly agrees to help. Gramps calls up an old director buddy named Japetto. Now all they need are some actors. Their secretary Mrs. Bliss demands an audition but sadly they discover she has a penis. Luckily the director Japetto is the same Japetto who created the famous Pinocchio or in this case Pornocchio so he is able to build new puppets to act in the film.

Every position is Doggy Style

The Head Nurse

Happy Ending?

Deep Trout

Now that the cast has been put together(literaly) and they've recorded some footage, Japetto and the d.p. Lash begin fighting over many of the artistic choices forcing them both to quit. But before Japetto walks off the set one of his actresses Diana Boss sings him a little ditty. Telling him to "Smile at your Heartache"'and "Laugh at the Blues"', we hear this in its entirety, padded out with footage of the beach cutting to kids, dogs, and seagulls. This is the dullest part of the film by far, but still adds to the overall strangeness of the movie.

Now CCSPBU inc. is forced to finish the film on their own. Before thinking of an end they decide to pad  it out with x-rated commercial parodies.
Such as "Climax" watches "They take a lickin' and keep on tickin'"
Sweet Fish a Vaginal Deodorant commercial that features Viju Krem who played the fabulous Natasha Di Natalie in Bloodsucking Freaks.
And the infamous Al Goldstein spoof "Lusterine" Mouthwash.

Add for Climax watches

Sweet Fish add

The face of a man getting sucked off by a puppet.

The movie is just about in the can, but will it succeed? Mr. Big has arrived and is ready to collect. Mr. Big is played by another Bloodsucking Freaks cast member, Luis De Jesus aka Ralphus, the sadistic symbol pounding little person. He also played an Ewok in Return of the Jedi, but he was kicked out of the tribe for throwing darts at Princess Leia's ass. Luckily the film's fluffer jumps on Mr. Big giving him a BJ and that gives the boys time to escape.

"Aren't you the sinful dwarf?"

I actually give Damiano a lot of credit for this film. It's often compared to Peter Jackson's far superior Meet The Feebles (not to many puppet sex films around) but they are quite different. Let My Puppets Come seems to have more of a Muppet parody feel because of the human and puppet interaction, the movie was actually released when the first season of the Muppet Show debuted. The segments in the film come across in the same way that Kermit and the gang would interact with the weekly special guest star, except far more perverted. It's hard to say if Peter Jackson was influence by this film . Feebles came out over ten years later. One could say that Pornocchio liked to stick his nose certain places and Feeble Dennis has a scene featuring "nasal" sex with cow.

Choda Boy in his Golden years

"I can hear you Coming!"

Dennis Does Daisy from Meet the Feebles

Somebody! Please release this properly with all the bonus features, shed some light on this sleazy little oddity. This is the cult film that never really was because the VHS was hidden in the back behind those western style swinging doors with all the porn. Perhaps with more exposure it would have been more popular. For God's sake just LET MY PUPPETS COME

8/10 on the CULT-O-METER

Not on wikipedia and not on IMDB (June 12th 2003) but note in the credits there is a tune by none other than Alan "Back to the Future" Silvestri. He scored and conducted "All American Boy", the tune where Pornocchio becomes a real porn star. Hey, it's the best song in the film! So Alan, don't be embarrassed add to your IMDB resume.

Theater of Guts: Puppets again Porn PSA Trailer

The Gate II: The Trespassers

The Gate II: The Trespassers (or Return to the nightmare) Starring Louis Tripp  (1990)
Reviewed By Goat Scrote

                The Gate, the original movie, was one I really liked as a kid. This was a world where satanic rock records played backward really did contain the secrets of Hell and the key to summoning demons. Also, I thought model rockets were totally cool, and killing a giant stop-motion-animated multi-limbed scaly demon with a model rocket wasn’t just cool, it was METAL.

thank you, drive thru

The sequel picks up years later with Terry (Louis Tripp, the skinny buddy from the first movie, in his late teens). According to him the problem wasn’t that they called up demons, but that they did it wrong. He has done his black magic homework and become a fairly proficient demonologist. “Satanism,” he opines, “Is for pussies.”

He returns to the boarded-up house from the first move to re-open the gate and use the power of Hell to sort out mundane problems in his life. This time he is packing a computer-controlled laser pentagram and a live rodent on a string, all part of his ritual for summoning and commanding little devils. You know, if all that energy he put into blasphemous rituals to rupture the fabric of spacetime was redirected elsewhere, I bet Terry could have worked out some of his issues with a lot less effort and without nearly plunging the entire human race into an unspeakable nightmare of abyssal agony.

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself here. The spell is interrupted by a trio of punks, two guys and a gal, and when she shows interest in what he’s doing it doesn’t take Terry’s hormones long to lock on target Liz, played by Pamela Adlon (of Louie and the voice of Bobby Hill).

I'm gonna use fire in my stand-up comedy act

    Quicker than you can say Beelzebub, they’ve opened the gate and gunned down one of the little demonoid buggers from the first movie. It turns out it’s not dead and the kids cage it to force the captive minion to grant their wishes. The teens change the weather and call sports cars out of thin air. The two punk jerks get their hands on the demon, but the wishes start going to shit (literally), the little monster tries to rip their faces off, and one of them starts to turn into a demon himself. Meanwhile Terry and his new girlfriend cast a spell to re-open the gate, in order to send the minion away. Everybody ends up passing into the magical land that heavy metal albums come from.

are you ready for the most epic metal journey? take this acid!

It turns out it was all a big trick by some major demons to escape into our world. The demons possess Terry and try to make him sacrifice his new squeeze to bring on the apocalypse, but in the end the power of love comes over… er, overcomes everything, good triumphs over evil, and blah blah blah. It was a pretty bland sequel. The brief sequence in the other dimension is reasonably cool and there are a few clever touches, but this movie pales next to the first one. The Gate had hordes of minions and a super-demon confrontation at the end. The Gate II: The Trespassers just didn't scratch the same itch for me, so I’m going to have to go watch The Gate again instead.

Crankenstien's notes on Louis Tripp, read this short blurb about the whereabouts of Tripp who has since changed his name to 1220 then to Baphomet Tripp, he is making industrial music in a band called xaos and writing fiction. As for the other Gate stars, Steven Dorf is doing commercials for those light up novelty cigarettes and Pamela Adlon is most likely working with Louis C.K. on something.And I actually like this one over the original, so there!

I'm so fucking METAL!

Meh!

Back from the grave and ready to play D&D and sip an iced latte

Click this link for the top story on Louis over at RUE MORGUE

WATCH HERE