Friday, January 31, 2014

Ilsa She Wolf Of The SS

Ilsa She Wolf Of The SS Directed By Don Edmunds, Starring Dyanne Thorne (1975).
There are a handful of Nazi films in the DR catalog and after the rising popularity (according to the stats on the blog) in one of the most reviled films in the subgenre, Gestapo's Last Orgy, I decided to re-visit one of the most depressing films in an already miserable catagory that I am not that thrilled to see again. Why am I punishing myself for your amusement? I have no idea (and for any skinheads attracted to this blog, get cancer of the rectum and die)! I guess it's safe to say that Ilsa is the "Gone With The Wind" of Naziploitation epics, its legacy is infamous and it's appallingly tasteless!   
  Don Edmunds and an incognito David Friedman (under the pseudonym Herman Trager) had a brilliant idea to take real life monster Ilse Koch: The Bitch of Buchenwald, a sadistic female Nazi and turn her into a man slaying, buxom Aryan superwoman with Russ Meyer sized tits, all filmed on the set of Hogans Heroes
I'm so happy I could shit!
   The original film, which is abysmally grim, launched Dyanne Thorne into cult superstardom, as the Ilsa saga continued up until the forth film! Ilsa-mania swept the nation for awhile (there was a spin-off flick by Jess Franco called Wanda The Wicked Warden). Thorne is frighteningly convincing and seems to relish every ounce of pain inflicted on her captives (maybe that's the reason no man can please her, she's so turned on by human suffering). The actress must have had a shit ton of fun because she risked never having a career again, once you play a sexy Nazi dominatrix, that's the final nail in your acting coffin. Years later she did show up as a crazed inmate in Hellhole with Mary Woronov, but it was a very minor role.
   She Wolf Of The SS begins with her taking out her sexual frustrations on a poor sap, who slept with her for a chance at freedom as she gleefully castrates him with a jagged surgery saw!!! Right away they establish what a heartless tyrant we're dealing with as she lies to her prisoners and takes on the false persona of a trust worthy doctor! Everything will be not be kosher over at the infamous "medical camp 9"! 

Two blonde assistants in jackboots follow her around and torture the prison girls, who all have ginormous mounds of pubic hair (one girl spazzes out when a nurse tries to shave it off)! Ilsa's crooked surgeon Binz is played by Back To The Future and They Live star, George "Buck" Flower. They split the camp up by sex (male and female) as Ilsa picks out various specimens in the men and infects half of the girls with disease carrying maggots. Kata (Nicolle Riddell) whose face is half sunken in and mutilated has a wicked case of syphilis (she looks like a 60's doll with Toxic Avenger syndrome courtesy of Joe Blasco's  superior make-up effects). 

Get me some industrial strength Clearacil!

   Blasco later opened up an over priced make-up school and created the look for Homey The Clown from In Living Color, among other things. The females suffer through some of the most grisly torture because at medical camp 9, all the "research" is apparently to prove how indestructible the women are (even though they all die slow painful deaths).
 The Ilsa sequels got increasingly more fun (if you can believe that!) as the Nazi elements faded into the background, the original really shoves the gulag sexploitation angle in your face and it's very depressing. All the "prisoners" are never separated by race, only sex which is kinda strange for a Nazi film, since none are rounded up into ethnic categories (these are some sort of gender prejudiced Nazis). 
   There's a beer soaked sweat drenched fuck-fest that's extremely unpleasant that segue ways into a hair-raising naked cat o' nine tails lashing (a male and female are beaten to death then strung up like cattle).
   The worst part about this film is how all the Third Reich antics have zero consequences since Ilsa and her wenches are the "good guys". I doubt I'm giving away any shocking spoilers here, but when she gets shot in the face at the end it's very unsatisfying, she of course returns for all the sequels.
   Ilsa chews up men then spits them out, and none of them can sexually satisfy her. Kata, the girl with syphilis whispers in an overly exaggerated way (she's my favorite character) as they plot their own escape.

Let me send you to Heaven before your own private Hell

The electrified dildo scene is completely ridiculous as each girl is put to the test. You're never allowed to become aroused by the girl's naked bodies, they are boiled, burned or covered in copious amounts of gore. Although if you are watching a Nazisploitation flick for a masturbatory advice you are most likely a serial killer.
   The reason Ilsa can't get off with any men is because she gets the most pleasure from blissfully torturing women (who all over shadow the male actors). The men in the film look like they were inserted from another movie and have the most wooden acting skills imaginable (one looks like a 70's mannequin). A Nazi officer with really rotten teeth, makes a special visit and asks if they are giving anesthetic to the ripped open women while operating and Ilsa replies "we don't give caviar to guinea pigs"! These scenes are some of the most repulsive and stomach churning (infected maggots and one girl's entire body is broken and battered, her eye is gouged out). The most demented and decadent scene is something out of Blood Sucking Freaks, as a girl is hung by her neck and left on a melting block of ice, as the fascists enjoy their dinner while she struggles.
After dinner like an Austrian R. Kelly, the Nazi visitor gets peed on by Ilsa and she makes a hilarious groaning face.
What kind of shampoo do you use Selsun Pink ?
   The prisoners actually get to retaliate and start slitting Nazi pig throats, in a pleasant turn of events! It's all for naught though and left a bad taste in my mouth, not that I didn't want them all to die-- but its just really executed in an unsatisfying sort of way, like the ending of Savage Streets where Linda Blair's testicles drop off and she whimpers around like a victim. In that film after shooting fatal arrows into the last punks knee caps, she could have finished the job but stalls and becomes weak. A better ending for me would be if they roasted all the Nazi's over a flaming pit and ate them with some sriracha then high-fived each other, as the credits roled over a paused gaggle of gleeful cannibal girls filling their bellies with human flesh! 
   Make it happen Rob Zombie once you're done boring us with Bullshit like Lords Of Salem and actually make Werewolf Women of The SS, you long haired hippie pansy!

Watch here
What deodorant do I use? Zklon BO of course

You're singing is magnificent, you've been selected for Auschwitz Idol

1 comment:

  1. What's really amazing is that when you meet Dyanne Thorne at conventions she's one of the nicest, sweetest people you'd ever want to talk to. I agree, I've hardly ever revisited this one - but do enjoy firing up TIGRESS & HAREM KEEPERS every year or so.


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