Thursday, January 9, 2014

Please Don't Eat The Babies

Please Don't Eat The Babies Directed By Marcus Robertson, starring nobody (1983).
The legendary description written by Chas Balun in the Deep Red catalog went as follows "A Shipwrecked crew of anal dwarves get chomped by big bugs!"
That was enough to set Skunkape and I on a wild goose chase into the video trading underworld to secure a copy of this rare supremely retarded, inbred hillbilly tale.
Anal Dwarves will not be seen tonight

  There are zero anal dwarves in tonight's feature sadly, just a cannibalistic one that pops up out of nowhere and takes a chunk out of this girl's belly. The film itself is pretty horrible, but there's forced perspective shots of cockroaches right in the camera that made me laugh so hard, I almost bit my tongue off!

Be afraid, don't laugh at my ginormity!

   There's lots of slack jawed yokels who all talk in that authentic Appalachian gobbilty gook and seem like second cousins to the banjo playin kin-folk from Deliverance or Sarah Palin.
I was Macauly's stunt double when he slept over at Michael Jacksons

   There's a fake Macaulay Culkin, dressed in a Huck Finn costume lurking about and the whole flick has that Night Of The Demon horrendous quality that can only be achieved by entry level humans who got together and decided the world needed to be made aware of their rural plight (or that bugs sprang from the depth of hell crave the scrumptious taste of people)! 

We got armadillo's in our trousers

   Bikini girls and hairy dudes in speedos are the main characters, we're supposed to identify with. The camera looms underneath in the speedo ball range (who was the cinematographer? Matt Ramsey)?
   The kids take advice from a couple of toothless sailors who look like rejects from Cabin Boy (or the documentary version), they tell the tall fish tale of big baby eating bugs and all the scantily clad women in this film look criminally underage!

Cabin Boy, the documentary
   There's a long shot of bubbles rising to the surface, they are supposed to be the big scary bugs (but they just look like garbage bags). Gramps is an abusive, gun toting creep and his wife looks like the rapping granny from Adam Sandler films.

I'll just wait here and think of baseball until I can walk again
   Then there's an inbred Frankenstein in jeans who constantly has a boner (and occasionally feeds the lone dwarf poor innocent girls). This film makes absolutely no sense and was possibly created to capitalize on some of that sweet Jason Voorhees/ Paramount Pictures moollah (who the hell knows)? The bad lighting and nobodies in bathing suits also reminded me of another atrocious movie that I never want to revisit; Humongous.
   Than the movie takes a nose dive into hillbilly surrealism as "The Devil" shows up (he looks like Robert Picardo or The Cowboy from Inner Space), he speaks in a warbled tone and uses his supernatural powers to possess a busty girl (with giant pepperoni sized nipples) to slice up a dude with a straight razor.  
Hail me
   The film quality gets increasingly poor and threatens to swallow up all the action in a haze of darkness. The last 20 minutes take place in some kind of pit of hell (you'll feel like you're in a living nightmare trying to survive the waves of boredom, striking at your skull full force)!
Howdy, I'm Hank The Anal Dwarf!
   The film's only redeeming quality is that hopefully Rifftrax will pick it up and trash it (other than that, it's a totally worthless wretched piece of junk)!
The editor credits are larry,joe,tom,dick and harry, I shit you not! It got even more bizarre after I discovered that the re-edited cleaned up version is called Island Fury. The footage from Please Don't Eat The Babies is used to bookend a dull terrorist island flick (called Island Fury). The entire subplot about giant bugs, blood thirsty dwarves or devils was edited out, I'll put it this way, if you thought this movie was already horrible, just wait until you're left with the dullest characters in cinema minus all the entertaining parts. 

Recommended for people with severe brain trauma or fans of Night Of The Demon (a Skunkape approved cinematic triumph)! 

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