Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Virgins Of The Seven Seas

Virgins Of The Seven Seas (The Bod Squad, Yang Chi, Karate Kusse Blonde Katzen) Directed by Ernst Hofbauer & Chih-Hung Kuei (1974).
It's almost as if the German girls from Schulmadchen Report did a semester abroad and got trapped by bandits. And that's exactly what these two titans of the filth industry had in mind when they collaborated on this project! Chih-Hung Kuei made one of my favorite Shaw Brothers films, Boxers Omen and Hofbauer is a Viennese schabigkeit veteran who directed a few sexploitation flicks in his day.
   I don't know about you, but when I see Chinese pirates on the screen talking in German, I'm a little puzzled. There's nothing to be alarmed about, because this is an Asian/German co-production of sleaze and depravity, the dialogue is Umberto Lenzi priceless! Fraulein slaves are tied up to sell for human trafficking, when one eats fish guts she says "it tastes like Grampa's left nut"!  The lewdness barometer is off the charts in this offshoot SB flick.    
Tongues carved to deli meat perfection
   The lead pirate looks like an Asian Yul Brenner and when they dock, he immediately starts a rampage on the island. The girl's naked bodies are offered up to two Genghis Khan looking warlord pimps.One of the hustlers, Won Tau (Wang Hsieh) takes over as the main villain, he carries a bullwhip and get molesty real fast! 
    Ko Mei Mei (Hui Ling) dresses in all green and leads the girls to the bed chamber, where the virgin test will be administered. Most of the Chinese characters wear fright wigs and either manhandle or lear at the sexy naked girls, who all have astounding breasts! 
   The ill fitting wigs reminded me of the Asian cannibals from Dr. Butcher! In fact, the costume designer must have raided the "worst wig emporium" to find these beastlies for all of the cast, men and women!  Tao Fu (Helen Ko), a cruel lesbian character with a sunken in emaciated face, uses a Mortal Kombat style razor fan to slice off a busty German girl's dress.
   Ko Mei Mei reveals that she was also abducted into servitude and agrees to help the "Bod Squad" escape from the clutches of the horny pirates. She trains them in the fine art of spitting razor sharp olive pits as a handy weapon, I can't make this shit up folks! I like how they all practice spitting by yelling 'POO"! 
   Down in a secret lair, they also do sexercises, this flick really speaks to that pervy thirteen year old neatly tucked away in your subconscious! 
Gulp, I swallowed!
   The erratic theme song kind of sounds like Faccia de faccia by Ennio Morricone. 
When the grand opening of the brothel arrives, the alleged "7 seas virgins" have a mutiny planned against the lead flesh peddler.The girls are paraded around like pieces of meat at the auction. A sexy blonde known as "rabbit teeth" attracts another rodent like slave trader who says she turns him into a giant buck tooth rabbit! 
The Chinese NoBunny
    The girl's don't band together yet, instead they defeat each slimy pig that bought them for sex separately and in wacky comical situations.
   Karen does a topless fight in a red panties and flops around like a fish out of water, I call her technique "the dreaded red snapper"!
Fish Flop Away!
   The rest of the girl's get trained by Ko Mei Mei's brother so fast, that there's enough time left over for a delightful slo-mo naked frolic in the river!
   But it turns out the girl's are terrible at fighting, Yoda should have stepped in and said "Complete your training bitches"! Instead of a final battle, we get one of the clumsiest, humiliating displays ever, as the girl's fall into pit fall after clusterfuck! 
We're Doomed!
Seek this one out, immediately its incredible! It's so tasteless and enjoyable. Thanks to http://www.coolasscinema.com/ for jogging my memory about this rare film, they had very informative credits too, better than Imdb.com, which has been letting me down lately with their spotty information. Run out and grab a copy, prepare to have your mind knocked out of your skull!

Available through Diabolik DVD  

OK, I give up!

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