Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Kris Gilpin's IMHO Dept : The History Of Flem

Kris Gilpin, veteran zine interviewer, writer and satirist who's worked for Subhuman, Deep Red and Temple Of Schlock, agreed to join the ranks at TOG, here's the first of many projects to come!   

The History of Flem (by Learned Prof. Fabina R. Bacoo):
The motion picture was first discovered/invented by one Fonzo McGerk, an old and stupid Western prospector in 1888. He spent his entire life drunk and panning for gold, bizarrely all he ever found were old nickels (he was an idiot because he only panned at the beach, never on land or in streams), hence earning himself the nickname of "Nickels."

"Nickels" drowning his sorrows away
   One night he had an epiphany and, drunk on Olde Budd Draft, he found that if he lay on his back (trying not to drown in his own vomit, a la the notorious gunslinger Jeremiah Hendrix) and empty his pan of all his found nickels into his face, it looked like the buffalo on the coins were actually running toward his one good eyeball.
   One year later, with his pathetic life's coinage, he opened the world's first flicker theater, called of course The Nickelodeon. Ironically after his panning luck had finally changed, he choked to death on his back one night, from dropping too many silver dollars into his face.

   Then in 1909 wedding photographer Buster O'Petey was so broke (he lived alone on the North Pole), he was taking myriad pictures of the skinny rats in his igloo. After his air conditioner broke down and no A.C. repairmen were born yet, he broke into a sweat (astonishingly, he was too ignorant to simply open his front door) and he fanned himself with handfuls of said photos, discovering that it looked like the rats were all dancing and singing together, as if in a mini-midget musical. Twenty minutes later he was shooting pics of naked fish spawning upstream, reportedly the first example of filmic pornography. One year after that he opened the world's first drive-in theater, which naturally only played to sledfuls of dogs. He died broke of course, with his body ripped to shreds by the rats and his bones eaten by the equally hungry, beautiful Huskies.

The Rats Are Coming, The Huskies Are Here!
   And finally in 1919 Abel Fishboine, an unemployed Peoria statue, designed the first motion picture camera by accident (he had attempted to make a toaster), and found that if he recorded 24 photos per second, it created the perfect illusion of movement on film. Seven minutes later he was making films of his wife taking a shower, stinking up their outhouse, and movies of all the animals on his property "makin' hay" (he lived on a neighbor's ocelot farm which, being an imbecile, he believed to be his own).
Abel Fishboine later apprehended for mopery with a naked fish

   He later opened the nation's first AMC Theater ("Abel's Movies are Crap"), which showed first-run Adam Sandler films until 2001, when the entire movie industry died after Lindsay Lohan (in drag as Iago) and Rob Schneider starred in Tommy Wiseau's production of The Orgy at Othello's.

Coming Now..... The Apocalypse!

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