Saturday, October 5, 2013

Wolf Devil Woman

Wolf Devil Woman (Lang Nu Bai Mo) Directed By Pearl "Ling" Chang, starring Pearl "Ling" Chang (1982).
During a voodoo ceremony, a fast moving sequined klansman (Or Satan himself, who talks in a Yosemite Sam voice) sticks pins in a doll and drops it in acid, as a writhing man on a cross spews up blood, immediately after the two witnesses to the crime spiral down a snowy hill armed with an innocent child. 
   It's been along time since I've watched an Asian film that's dubbed in English but here it seems appropriate. This film is not to be confused with the earlier reviewed Werewolf Woman, it's insanely better!
   Ninjas in monster masks brawl it out amidst the snow drifts, the parents bash their brains out by ramming their faces into the mountain while saying in a British accent "Baby Let our blood keep you warm". This movie makes me feel like I've ingested a hand full of magic mushrooms! A pack of wolves scurry toward the dead parents and devour their remains (they were died literally 5 minutes ago). 
Eat these Snausages I regurgitated especially for you
   One feisty German Shepard (who's obviously dubbed by a human) digs the baby out of the frozen tundra and places it in a fortress of solitude type location. The soundtrack is very spaghetti western melancholic. The loud humans pretending to be barking dogs are ear splitting! The baby lives like a feral creature, she subsists on animal blood and kills bunnies. The baby grows into a pretty girl who howls like a dog and wears a hat made out of a canine's stuff face, she flies through the air and rips bunnies completely in half like a savage! Meanwhile a gang of ninjas in monster masks are battling it out with fire. Two male characters show up, one plays the flute and the other cooks and kills a real rabbit, both their names are Rudy. They mess things up real bad for our heroine by accidentally shooting her with an arrow and impaling her animal father. She retreats to her ice cave and attacks the two morons that retaliated against her (the soundtrack plays a few minutes of The "Helicopter Zombie" music by Goblin when she flies through the air).
Fuck Off, I'm on my Wolf period
Rudy's mannerisms are annoying in a Jackie Chan comedy style way. Meanwhile, the Disco Klansman from the beginning is connected to Rudy and his pal who are searching for 1000 years old ginseng. They have ulterior motives but stick around because wolves are patrolling the mountains, the master character has power over the wolf woman's spinal chord (which is represented by a piece of metal). The two Rudys play instruments, teach her how to speak, fish and call her "Snow hibiscus". It turns out they need the 1000 year old ginseng to protect their world from Satan, who freezes people. The Rudys have shitty personalities and lie to the Wolfwoman, telling her that her mother isn't dead, this deceit makes her turn into a white witch. Later on when she gets drunk at a restaurant, transforms again and becomes super strong as her hair turns white. 
I offer disco balls and cocaine spoons!
   The Rudy's and their elder hide out in a haunted forest and fight teleporting ninjas, but get trapped by the Devil, who has a Southern twang in his voice and looks like Disco Cobra Commander, with Freddy Krueger claws and a freeze ray! It really pisses him off that the Wolfwoman ate the ginseng and especially shady that Rudy told him in the first place. He says "I keep zombies as an eccentric hobby", meanwhile the Wolfwoman geeks the fuck out of a live chicken and eats its innards with a gleeful smile on her face. 
   Some idiotic villagers try to drown her for being a monster and hook up with Rudy's master who seems to know about the Wolfwoman's destiny, it's all presented in Wizard Of OZ/Star Wars type plot explanation. Wolf Devil Woman is so action packed and bizarre, that there's never a dull moment and it's loaded with some of the most eye gouging situations, that if you try to explain them to people, they won't believe it, seeing is believing! The grand finale has WDW gnaw at her arm and spew blood from her mouth to douce cartoon fire!
   In most cases I would prefer the original language, but the dubbing is so insanely hilarious that I recommend only watching this version. I just received The Asian Trash Cinema Book by Tom Weisser and after reading that review, I knew I had to add it to the TOG archives as another outlandish must see Hong Kong kick-magic masterpiece! 
Highly Recommended!
Long John Duck Dong Silver

The best way to eliminate a cartoon fire is to open a vein

Gandalf took over for Gene Simmons circa 1977



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