Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Adam & Eve Vs. The Cannibals

Adam & Eve Vs. The Cannibals (Blue Paradise, Blue Lagoon Part 2,) Starring Mark Gregory Directed By Enzo Doria (1982).
Mark Gregory star of such beefy action rip offs as Bronx Warriors and its sequel Escape From The Bronx, decides to bare it all for the sake of that cheap dollar in hopes that this biblical fantasy epic will propel him into at least a few pages in Playgirl Magazine, aim high my Italian friend! The fact that this bloodless Blue Lagoon clone mixed with a dash of Iron Master is the first title in the Deep Red catalog blows me away! 
Here's my audition Mr. Doria
I wonder, had I plunked down fifteen bucks and waited patiently by the mail box, would I lose all respect for Deep Red and Chas, most likely not! I mean it hurt when I did receive a duped copy of Mr. Sardonicus with splices of commercial interruptions left in tact, I was sore but not ready to stop my bootleg craving addiction. If I ordered Adam & Eve though, I most likely would have smashed it against the wall and reduced it to a pile of plastic splinters and magnetic tape!
   Dealing with bootleggers is a mixed bag, they can't all be The Beyond, it came with the territory after all. This flesh fest with some of the flattest butts on any male or female captured on film, left a yucky after taste! I assumed that if I stuck it out, I might've been rewarded with a vicious dinosaur attack or a savage cannibal smackdown, no such luck!
Pancake butts, flatter than you can imagine

   Instead we get a goofy reinterpreting of the genesis of Adam and Eve in which Adam claws his way out of a sinewy Manglor egg and forms Eve (played by Andrea Goldman, who was never seen or heard from again) out of beach sand (what? no rib)? There's enough environmental stock footage to fill three Helmet videos. The serpent arrives, Eve bites the apple and ushers in the age of monkey men and Italians covered in green paint, wait what just happened?! That's right folks; The Monkeys are comin the Cannibals are here! Adam battles it out with what looks like the masturbating bear from Conan O'Brien mythology and tackles some wolves. The world evolves into deceit and treachery or the place we're all accustomed to, accept with more crepe ape hair! 
Go Masturbate somewhere else Bear!
There's not much to recommend, basically if you loved Ringo Starr in Caveman, you will fucking love this garbage, I totally hated it! The producer responsible for this junk is Enzo Doria, a name synonymous with Ovidio G. Assonitis the STD sounding name connected with giant turds like Tentacles, The Visitor and Beyond The Door.
Skip this and watch Yor: Hunter Of The Future instead!

Step Off, I'm goin to start Manowar

Is it Wookie Life Day already?

Bitchsmacked by Anthropoids!

Then they made me pull down my pants and star in this movie!


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