Gates of Hell (aka City of the living dead)

THE GATES OF HELL (aka City of the Living Dead) Directed by Lucio Fulci (1980).

I’ve been slacking lately on writing, but decided after slugging it out in the doldrums of Japanese torture comedy porn aka The Guinea Pig series to revisit an old favorite. I’ve always had an affinity for Fulci over Argento, probably because I saw his film at an early age and it’s nauseating tone resonates with me.

The first moment I saw that crooked, sleepy eyed corpse hovering over NYC was in the newspaper when it debuted in the U.S. in 1983. I have a vivid memory of seeing it in the second or third grade and wondering if my mom could take me to watch this one in the theater, she didn’t obviously. I know now that I would’ve been traumatized for life, considering I was scared out of my skin during METALSTORM. In the theater when I took off my 3D glasses because the action was too over the top and I saw nothing but blurry double visions. Later on, I discovered that the primitive effects of multiple cameras created the optical illusion. Speaking of that early Charles Band Mad Max rip off check out William Wilson's first book on the subject of Empire, buy here.

Inbred-itor, one of those knock off Chinese He-Man villians

This was somewhere down the pecking order of Fulci flicks that I’d watched first, starting off with ZOMBIE. I remember constantly seeing this one on the video store shelves along with the Continental VHS version of NIGHTMARE CITY (with its alternate title that I always think of when I hear the re-vamped title of COTLD verses Gates of Hell). By the way, that Umberto Lenzi aforementioned flick poster art has always struck me as clunky. It has a topless, blood speckled female with her eye socket torn open and mouth agape. What kind of sickos do they want to attract with that cover, it basically looks like the aftermath of a savage gang rape. I should mention just for some context that this was written a week after Umberto died, rest in peace paisano.

Mike Pence's fav masturbatory/ flagellant cassette.

That brownish mustard colored zombie from the cover of GOH, seemed to get around in the 80’s, donning the cover of Hell of the Living Dead (aka Night of the Zombies) and inspiring a similar floating disembodied noggin on BURIAL GROUND VHS cover. The first time I recall watching this Fulci movie was on a dingy, eternally dark and almost unwatchable video tape. I think I borrowed a copy from Skunkape and still had a hard time diving into the murkiness. In middle school, I had the Bloody Best issue of Fangoria and remember seeing all the wacky captions on GATES like “kids are not exempt from undead grips from the grave.” Fango is an obvious influence on TOG, definitely the Bob Martin time period.

At least I died knowing my fans find me less irritating than Giovanni Frezza

The gaunt figure and sunken in eyes of John Morghen also impressed me and I wondered if they just found some authentic derelict on the streets to play Bob the blow-up doll carrying pervert who ends up skull-drilled to death.

The most infamous scene that highlights the spectacle is of course the one involving poor Daniela Dora puking up genuine sheep entrails and crying blood. I couldn't figure where that ghostly torment stems from but it seems like Japanese folklore to me. It's pretty obvious when she is spitting her guts out that they replaced her with a fake head and yank the offal through the open mouth. Michele Soavi, star of the DEMONS series is in the car next to her and I remember when Skunkape and I were in TV production school together, he put together a wacky comedy video that had a laugh track and Brak commenting on the carnage of that very scene. The primary source he used to put together the mini episode about Soavi for our vocational school was Deep Red Alert #2. This was years before CEMETERY MAN became a zombie classic.

The Fabio Frizzi score is my favorite, it descends into cryptic eerie tones just after the blood curdling scream. There are a lot of soundtracks that sound as if they’re based on "Heart of the Sunrise" by YES (1971). The segment in the tune with the foot pedals, then ominous keyboard sounds seems to me to have influenced this score plus Contamination-Goblin and Possession by Andrzej Korzynski. It’s all speculation on my part but I figured I would mention it, since I’ve never heard anyone else bring it up. I hate to admit it but the Yes song is used to brilliantly montage Buffalo 66.

I can only watch the last 30 mins of Brown Bunny.

Fabrizio Jovine, the actor who plays the priest looks slightly Argento-esque, which always cracked me up considering the 80’s rivalry the two film makers had. It’s pretty fascinating to me that the ghoulish priest showed up in a TV movie about Christ, which starred Chris Sarandon as the Messiah.   

Me and Glenn Benton got a bromance brewing with our matching forehead cross scars.

Mary Woodhouse (Catriona McColl) looks very greased out, as if she hasn’t slept for a few weeks. During the séance, she froths at the mouth and as the dead erupt from the ground and it triggers an instant heart attack. Enoch, a magical book is yet another Lovecraft influenced text like the Eibon from THE BEYOND. This is pure coincidence but Mary Whitehouse, the ultra -conservative dingbat who spearheaded the Video Nasty witchhunt and Woodhouse are very similar sounding surnames.

I'm glad nobodies gonna watch these furshlugginer' shit flicks, oh wait!

There are demonic flames that belch up from the floor, every time I see this part, it makes me think of Skunkape’s wacky trailer for GOH. That crazy monkey had the flame ring float up and down incessantly until it looked comical, adding moans and wails while it looped.

The infamous John Morghen shows up in one of his first roles as Bob the pervert. The Blue Underground DVD really enhanced the entire viewing experience, it’s just so much more satisfying than getting an instant migraine trying to pick through the visual refuse. Here, you get to see every slithering worm feasting on a disgustingly bloated body (make sure not to eat anything during this flick or you might blow chunks so hard they will get caught in your remote buttons). When Bob’s blowup doll springs to life on its own, it reminds me of Otto, the autopilot from AIRPLANE.

Dunwich is the spookiest town ever, it’s pretty lame how “Junies” the only place to drown your sorrows in this sad sack dump is infested with zombies, ghosts and demons.

Nobody's drunk enough to tolerate an interdimensional pathway to hell splitting open and letting in the unholiest of ghouls.

stripper cake mishap!

Janet Agren (DOOMED TO DIE), who needs all the psychological help she can get is being treated by the afro-ed dude you’ve seen in other Italian horror classics like MANHATTAN BABY and TERROR EXPRESS.

Chris George (THE EXTERMINATOR, ENTER THE NINJA) bumps into two grave diggers, one Deodato aficionados will know as Perry Pirkanen or the guy with a giant blonde mustache making scary faces by a mutilated turtle foot. Both actors chomp their sandwiches and forget to swallow as they talk.

I felt so guilty about killing that giant turtle, I decided to move in with this tortoise douche.

Pirkanen is a guy who according to IMDB was uncredited in practically all of his films (CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, this and CRUEL JAWS). There’s gotta be an easier way to collect a paycheck!

Catriona gasps and claws her fingernails till the velvet is drenched in her blood. I’ve always been disturbed by the way she ferociously tries to break out of the coffin. The Fulci motifs are all present, like narrowly missing a fatal blow from a weapon or the extreme eyeball close-ups.

I like how right after Mary erupts from a coffin, instead of going to a hospital to see if there was any damage from being asphyxiated, they all stare into the camera and chat over tea and coffee about “Dunwich” and how the Gates are gonna bust open. Talk about pushing the panic button! You can just feel the grottiness as the haunted priest shoves a fistful of slithering worms into Bob's unusually attractive gal pal's mouth. Why do these babes hang out with him anyway, is he their only weed connection in this fucked up corn pone town?

just mash the keypad to dial Papa Johns

Next is the most iconic money shot, if you’ll excuse that term, but it’s a scene that basically framed Fulci’s entire legacy and especially his vile treatment of women, you know where I’m going with this—Daniela Dora mouth pooping out her entire intestinal tract! This is just beyond repulsive and brilliantly creative as a ghost power. Who comes up with this shit, well I can answer that it was one of the greatest Italian horror screenwriters Dardano Sachetti, who we've mentioned a lot in previous years. He's scripted everything from Macaroni combat flicks to Amityville 2, Iron Master and has worked for almost every giant in the Pastaland exploitation scene.

Larry the Cable Guy is a dick, this Prilosec removed my entrails instead of fixed them!

The bartender at Junies resembles Sachetti. John-John the whiny moptopped kid almost shits his feety pajamas as Emily (Antonella Interlenghi), his sister returns from the grave. She wasn’t even that long gone on the slab but her face managed to get completely shredded and maggot eaten.

GAWD somebody drive me to the mall to get some moisturizer!

Everyone is in a panicky frenzy in this town, especially the extremely sharp cheek boned Janet Agren. I like how her paintings have odd looking rhinos and waves.

Now most kiddies today can dial the drill brain scene on Youtube, but It always resonated with me as iconic and connected to Chas Balun/ Deep Red Magazine because his artwork captured that moment when a long assed drill enters John Morghen’s brain bucket and erupts from the other side of his temple. It’s just as shocking today as in 1980 and given the fact that he receives this punishment for getting high with a cute girl and being blamed for her death. It’s just a crime that it happened at all!

Oh yeah and she comes back as well as one of the undead, I mean someone should’ve strapped her down ROTLD wagging spinal cord lady and sequestered her at least.

Julie Hagerty's finest role.

Like the Gwar song goes- “Maggots are falling like rain” and strategically attaching themselves to people’s cheek bones. The scene where each actor you know and love gets blasted with real mealworms and wrigglers is pretty fucking nasty and also they used real vermin.

Once they are all down in the blueish rocky caverns, Morlock style zombies show up to wobble around in place. Up until this moment, these bug-eyed beasties are super easy to destroy, I mean they might as well be made of tissue paper! You don’t even have to shoot them in the head either, just pick up a random 2X4 and clumsily push it forward--problem solved.

My favorite mistake toward the end, shows a guy in a full fire retardant suit and gas mask under the flames. It’s nice that they didn’t actually burn anyone alive, right? There’s also that crackly cartoon ending that caps off into an ambiguous and confusing way. We'll return with more Fulci shenanigans pretty soon, until next time watch more coherent films if you can.

The Don't Go in the House guy literally was struck by boogie lightning!

BUSY BUSY BUSY

Hello faithful readers, as you might've noticed these posts have been pretty sluggish and here's the reasons.
I started drawing country/r&b/punk style portraits and am trying to sell them online since this writing thing is the least rewarding when it comes to attention or creativity and man who doesn't enjoy that shit?
I also started up a 5 minute podcast based on the glorious film Trick or Treat. See ya when I feel like it and buy my artwork. HERE are the gratuitous links: erokhellhammer.com (country fried scribblings) and SPRING BREAK FOREVER run by my best pal in Nashville Mr. Bobby Hazzard (or Ryan Brush).

here's a drawing I did Buck Owens.

Contraband

Contraband (The Smuggler) Directed by Lucio Fulci, Starring Fabio Testi (1980).

I've been meaning to check out this early Fulci crime flick. Had I known, it was this fucked up and on par with Live Like A Cop, Die Like A Man as one of the best in the Italian crime sub genres, I would've watched it sooner! It definitely wins for thee greatest director cameo Fulci has done, I mean I'm sure you've seen that meme of him blasting a machine gun. Usually his Hitchcock style cameo is in the form of a newspaper boss or janitor.

I shoot at your memes, motherfucking millenials!

It kicks off into high gear with a boat chase. These dudes zigzag around each other in choppy waters, it kind of reminded me of when I worked at Alcatraz and there was a boat race. Something is off in the state of Fulci-Land, because none of his trademarks are evident here. The actors are all normal looking, there are hardly any ugos or extreme eyeball shots, plus I have yet to even see a maggot. So we're talking classiness all the way. Fabio Testi is almost handsome and compared to the usual actors we are accustomed to in a pastaland flick, it's downright refreshing. Testi forged his way through Giallos like (What Have They Done to Solange, man did I hate that one) and fun shit like The Big Racket and also a Fulci directed spaghetti west called Four of the Apocalypse (click the link here for my review).

I'm the Fulci Jon Hamm.

This is when Fulci wasn't trying to rip something off even though there are some shades of The Godfather present. The usual goofy dialogue actually seems out of place because of how interesting the storyline is. Usually in a Fulci film the incoherence works with the sleaziness and the ghastliness. This is Lucio's only stab at the Poliziotteschi or Italian Police flick and it's pretty solid.

During a disco dance, the song heard sounds a lot like "Turn It On" by Genesis. We also see Ajita Wilson, the transgendered actress that Skunkape mentioned before in his review of Hotel Paradise. Wilson is a pretty interesting actress, she tragically was killed in a car crash and died at 37. There's bits of info about her online but Blue-Underground should really put out a documentary on her, she starred in tons of Italian Eurotrash Women in Prison films. Her most famous one being Jess Franco's Sadomania aka Hellhole Women (1981), which I used to see at Borders books all the time.

Fuck your couch (in Rick James voice) !

Perlante (played by Saverio Marconi) is a total slime ball, he acts like he wandered off the set of a Joe D'Amato flick, just super abrasive and nasty, so far he's my favorite character. Marcell Bozzuffi, who I know as the creepy French ghost from Altman's Images plays a mob boss character named The Marsigliese but he didn't make much of an impression on me, which is weird.

Eeek, my eyes are watering from the stench of clam.

 The scene when they burn up the stable and real horses scream made me nervous. Fulci isn't one to commit animal violence even though for A Lizard in Women's Skin, he was hauled into court. Carlo Rambaldi had to prove that no animals were harmed by bringing in the special effects of fake dead dogs.  

Lucas' mustachioed partner gets mowed down with a machine gun by a cop played by Romano Puppo, the dude from Escape from the Bronx and about a thousand other Italian Action flicks. His death is so mellow dramatic as Luca  looks on with sorrow. I don't usually complain about dubbing but it's performed in the tradition of bad sounding anime, I'm just not into it.

I kind of wish Tomas Milian was in this as well, but I guess you can't have everything. Ettore Sanzo, who wrote the script also penned Late Night Trains and the Last House on the Beach. The director made Gates Of Hell (aka City of the Living Dead) the same year as this so, he must've just needed a break from brain drilling maggots and the island of Matool. Everyone in this film is so in your face Italian, you never get that impression from his other films, especially during this period where it's all Europeans in Louisiana and wherever Dunwich is supposed to take place. Big mustaches everywhere old country looking Italian men and Grandpa's little kid saying ciao.

mustache rides half price for today only.

The score is all funky bass and it's pretty awkward. Fabio Testi has a Sean Connery quality but is pretty stiff as an actor.

There's some gyno-shenanigans unlike any captured on film. Just watch it to see what I mean but basically girls smuggle things up their cooters. Now I've seen everything in a Fulci flick!
The female violence gets really intense in this one scene, it's really unpleasant and I could just imagine a misogynist like the director baitin' it to those moments. Towards the end is when they really bust out the squibs and blown out brains. The horse race brain extraction scene is bonkers!

AHHHH, Good that cavity was bugging me.

This, The New York Ripper and the Devil's Honey are the most sexually charged out of all the Fulci cannon. The action starts to get off the charts towards the end, so don't fall sleep or anything.
One of my favorite characters gets an impromptu tracheotomy! The gory shoot out at the end is super meaty and up there with this filmmakers nastiest scenes. The priest from Gates Of Hell shows up in a Bruce Campbell ala Darkman style cameo.
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED, ESPECIALLY THOSE WONDERING WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT ITALIAN CRIME.

UCK, I hate it when they use too much marinara!

Guinea Pig 3: He Never Dies

GUINEA PIG 3: Shudder!, The Man who doesn't die, HE NEVER DIES (1986). Starring a bunch of nobodies. 

A “scientist” or some Francis B. Gross ala Faces of Death type dude starving for the circus peanuts he was most likely paid with, warns us that this is a true story. His name is Rick Steinberger and looks like one of those cheap 1-800-lawyers or a Better Call Saul type huckster. There’s a really annoying punk sounding song that plays while a rundown telemarketing office goes about its daily grind. This one already is miles ahead above in comedy but we shall see if it gets as unbearable as the first few films in the series.

I found this more entertaining than Better Call Dull.

It’s really odd to me that when Chas had these for sale, they were unsubbed, so you’d just make up your own story line! This one was described as the "Mermaid in a Manhole" entry, but that's one of the later episodes. He Never Dies is almost "Dundler Mifflin Tokyo style" as office workers chit chat and the shitty-o camera looms in way too close. The fake scientist makes another appearance as a Japanese voice loudly speaks over his and they both talk about the main character’s “human relationship between employee and company”, then the narrator gleefully anticipates how insane the main character will get. He does a puppet show with his feet, I mean who hasn’t been there? So he locks himself in a room for 4 days and begins to slice open his wrist. Why though, I mean he’s surrounded by TV, comics, tons of entertainment—I don’t get why he's so bummed out but it’s all part of the let's shock the audience in a masturbatory way.

Dag your breath smells like limburger!

If you discovered that you were immortal, why would you fuck yourself up by cutting into your flesh all day— it’s so grunge! If I found out I could live forever, you can bet I'd do everything I could to effect legislation toward gun control or disable The "Diaper Klown Dictatorship" for the sake of sanity. Or maybe I would go back in time Terminator "Outer Limits" style and abort all the babies that are now neo nazis clogging up Washington, making society more intolerable than it should be. How boring or pointless would it be to just hack away at your own limbs, too much work for me that's for sure.

The music that plays during the office fantasy scenarios sound like Trio that "da da da" band or Atari casiotones. 

This dude is about as likeable as Pauly Shore crossbred with Kid Rock!

Some dude the main character is pals with comes over and tries to scare him wearing an Elvis mask. It’s all still a lot funnier than the 1st two movies but none of it makes sense and it’s on an 8 level on the excruciatingly boring scale. Can't wait till part 4, oh wait, yes I can!
WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF, I MUST BE SOME KIND OF TWISTED SADIST!

Somebody order a Hand sandwich, I'm the Dave Coulier of Guinea Pig!