Sunday, October 29, 2017

Guinea Pig 3: He Never Dies

GUINEA PIG 3: Shudder!, The Man who doesn't die, HE NEVER DIES (1986). Starring a bunch of nobodies. 

A “scientist” or some Francis B. Gross ala Faces of Death type dude starving for the circus peanuts he was most likely paid with, warns us that this is a true story. His name is Rick Steinberger and looks like one of those cheap 1-800-lawyers or a Better Call Saul type huckster. There’s a really annoying punk sounding song that plays while a rundown telemarketing office goes about its daily grind. This one already is miles ahead above in comedy but we shall see if it gets as unbearable as the first few films in the series.

I found this more entertaining than Better Call Dull.

It’s really odd to me that when Chas had these for sale, they were unsubbed, so you’d just make up your own story line! This one was described as the "Mermaid in a Manhole" entry, but that's one of the later episodes. He Never Dies is almost "Dundler Mifflin Tokyo style" as office workers chit chat and the shitty-o camera looms in way too close. The fake scientist makes another appearance as a Japanese voice loudly speaks over his and they both talk about the main character’s “human relationship between employee and company”, then the narrator gleefully anticipates how insane the main character will get. He does a puppet show with his feet, I mean who hasn’t been there? So he locks himself in a room for 4 days and begins to slice open his wrist. Why though, I mean he’s surrounded by TV, comics, tons of entertainment—I don’t get why he's so bummed out but it’s all part of the let's shock the audience in a masturbatory way.

Dag your breath smells like limburger!

If you discovered that you were immortal, why would you fuck yourself up by cutting into your flesh all day— it’s so grunge! If I found out I could live forever, you can bet I'd do everything I could to effect legislation toward gun control or disable The "Diaper Klown Dictatorship" for the sake of sanity. Or maybe I would go back in time Terminator "Outer Limits" style and abort all the babies that are now neo nazis clogging up Washington, making society more intolerable than it should be. How boring or pointless would it be to just hack away at your own limbs, too much work for me that's for sure.

The music that plays during the office fantasy scenarios sound like Trio that "da da da" band or Atari casiotones. 

This dude is about as likeable as Pauly Shore crossbred with Kid Rock!
Some dude the main character is pals with comes over and tries to scare him wearing an Elvis mask. It’s all still a lot funnier than the 1st two movies but none of it makes sense and it’s on an 8 level on the excruciatingly boring scale. Can't wait till part 4, oh wait, yes I can!

Somebody order a Hand sandwich, I'm the Dave Coulier of Guinea Pig!

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