Don't Go In The Woods

Don't Go in the Woods (1981, dir. James Bryan)

Review By Goat Scrote

This is a pretty basic low-grade 80s slasher flick, a weak version of flicks like Friday the 13^th and The Burning. A small group of backpackers are hiking into the wilderness. They're headed to... wait for it... a cabin in the woods. Problem number one is their wilderness guide, who is a fussy pain in the ass. "Don't jump off that log! That could have been a fatal mistake!" It’s, like, two feet tall, man. He’s also full of woodsy wisdom like "the most feared animal in the woods is man” and his list of wilderness survival rules:

First, don't panic.

Second, go up not down.

Third, never, never go in the woods alone.

...and be careful of rabies too!

Just a typical low life 70's D.J. trying to score

"You mean there are little furry perverts running around doing unnatural things in these woods?" one of the hikers asks. Sounds like Golden Gate Park after dark! Anyway, the dialogue and characters and humor in this movie are not strong points. The extra-crappy soundtrack consists mostly of several loops played again and again, which was also, shall we say, difficult to enjoy. The body count is reasonably high but I had more fun riffing the action than I did from watching it. I just didn’t feel like it was a very entertaining movie compared to similar flicks from the period.

Things start off with a lone birdwatcher getting dismembered. It's shot in such a way that we really can't tell whether he's being attacked or whether pieces of him just started to fall off by themselves. Maybe the villain is ebola or some kind of super-leprosy? Whoever is responsible for this must have seen the whole limbs-tossed-from-out-of-frame trick in Grizzly and thought it was complete fucking genius. I know I do… comedy gold. 

Then some random dude in a pink beret and pink Hawaiian shirt gets strangled somewhere by someone and gives a goofy scream. Somewhere else – possibly nearby, possibly in Antarctica or perhaps downtown New York, it’s really quite impossible to tell -- a woman in costume jewelry bleeds all over the place. Shades of director Coleman Francis… it seemed like the whole first half of the movie consisted of apparently unrelated things happening to characters we know nothing about at indeterminate locations. People are dying so, you know, points for that, at least. If this keeps up I will really, really need a couple of robot friends to help me keep my sanity.

Margaret Hamilton's estranged daughter

A couple of swingers in a fur-lined VW van are getting it on. She has a pretty amazing schnozz, one of the most incredible non-prosthetic noses ever captured on film. They hear something and Dick... yes, the kimono-clad swinger's name is Dick... goes to investigate. He dies, she gets terrorized, and then the van gets rolled off a cliff with her inside. I remember watching this scene late at night on cable when I was a kid, and now I finally know what movie it's from.

Is it Art or Arse?

Next in line for the slaughter, a painter out in the woods with her toddler gets stabbed, and not long after the killer finally catches up with the group of hikers. One camper gets strung up in her bag and pummelled while her boyfriend gets stabbed through his tent.

Spaceballs' Mog out in the wilderness

Bear trap to the face at 35:20!!!! Sweet! That was pretty decent. And we finally see the killer, some kind of deranged klingon/viking mountain-man. The movie is looking up. Sort of. The campers flee and find the killer's creepy cabin, but then they accidentally kill another hiker, by mistake... this is just not their day, gosh darnit. Two of them get away and get back to civilization. Hooray! Then one of them decides to go back to the killer's turf to rescue a third survivor, who they left behind. Sure, okay, that seems completely reasonable. Don’t bother bringing backup, it’s not like you’re up against a blood-crazed cannibal killing machine on his home turf or anything dangerous like that.

Now there's a guy in a wheelchair up in the mountains by himself, for some comic relief. WTF, movie? Back in town a posse is formed to go in after the bad guy by people who are clearly a lot smarter than the idiot “hero” who ran back into the woods alone. And then the older, out-of-shape sheriff cleverly decides to go off alone to investigate the cabin too. What the hell, people? What IS the average IQ in your part of the world? Aaaaand random wheelchair guy gets decapitated. Thanks for putting him in there, movie, wheelchair guy was a really great character.

The posse brings the other survivor, a red-haired woman into the woods and she leaves the posse behind for some reason, apparently to try to rescue her other friend. She has a machete recovered from the cabin, and between the two of them the survivors tag-team the bad guy and kill him dead. The toddler is still alive, the wildman was carrying her around in a box, but somehow the kid gets left alone out in the woods with a hatchet. The closing theme song is bizarre and silly. This is definitely a movie best enjoyed with plenty of beer, a group of smart-asses to make fun of it with you, and a large supply of popcorn to throw at the TV during choice moments. I faced the movie without these preparations. Don’t make my mistake!

Fans rejoice! Now on Blu courtesy Vinegar Syndrome
GET IT

Eraserhead: Kris Gilpin IMHO Dept.

I saw this 7 times until I told myself I finally "understood" it, while it instantly established Davey Lynch as my fave rave director (which he may still be today, provided he makes another damn film!!)...

This was written from a perspective of someone who viewed the film in the theater when it first came out, pre-internet and pre-VHS!

Eraserhead: An Analysis

By Kris A. Gilpin

   Since mid-1980, when I was living (if you could call it that) in New York's Hell's Kitchen, I have wanted to see Eraserhead again (making it the ninth time I've viewed the film), but this time take notes as an avid fan or "experimental" films such as this one and Britain's Anti-Clock (1980).

   Now, after having recently seen it over cable TV in L.A., I'll try to relate what the images in the film mean to me (or at least pose the questions brings to my mind), and my interpretation of certain events in the film, since Eraserhead is totally unlike any other film I've experienced (a large reason why I like it so much; it is literally like viewing someone's nightmare).

   I may be way off; I suppose that's up to you to decide. The film is very well photographed in black and white; writer/director David Lynch (who is slated to begin production on Frank Herbert's Dune) waited three years before shooting, just to get the right film stock he wanted…

   A nebbish named Henry Spencer (effectively played by Jack Nance), who is a printer, is receiving telepathic calls for help from a dying planet of mutilated beings (we only see two of them in the film).

   There sits a "man" on this planet, looking out of a broken window; it is very dark in the room. He pulls a couple of levers (played by Jack Fisk, who's the film's art director, and also happens to be Sissy Spacek's husband, he is literally listed in the credits as The Man Who Pulls The Levers) standing up on the floor towards him; his body is all cut and scaled. This action releases a series of long, slimy embryonic worms which seem to fall onto Henry's planet (Earth? Probably; one aspect of Eraserhead is that it doesn't even look like it was filmed on this planet)!

   Cut to Henry, as he is looking up over his shoulder, apparently knowing that something has happened. His hair is piled up high on his head, possibly suggesting superior intelligence on his planet (which doesn't say much for everyone else here).

   We follow Henry as he walks home, and later to his girlfriend's house, the sounds of industrial work always on the soundtrack but never witnessed on film (we never see Henry at work, either).

   I believe the first scene involving Henry's girl (called Mary X in the credits) is the one in the film played mostly for strange laughs, as if to get all amusement over the film done with early on: Henry meets Mary's family over a dinner (which never gets eaten) of tiny, whole chickens (before they sit down to eat, Henry converses awkwardly with Mrs. X; Mary goes into a cataleptic fit as they speak, and is brought out of it when her mother brushes  her hair).

   Mr. X. asks Henry to carve the little chickens, and as he touches one with the carving fork, the chicken spreads its legs and excretes blood from its open sphincter; this causes Mrs. X. to go into a tongue-wagging, screaming fit, and makes Mr. X. stare at Henry for about five full minutes with a huge, moronic smile on his face, his expression never changing.

   Shortly after that, Mary's mom tells Henry that Mary is pregnant; "It's at the hospital, Henry! Mrs. X. raves. "They're not sure it even is a baby, but it's there! "Henry replies, "But that's impossible! It hasn't even been…," then gets a nosebleed. 

   We then cut to Mary feeding her "baby" (she's since moved in with Henry). The first close-up of the child brings gasps from the film's audience: it is a triangular-shaped thing, wrapped tightly in bandages, with an animal-like head (someone told me it might be a lamb's head used for the gruesome effect; others believe it is mechanical). The freakish baby is, I believe, a result of Mary's mysterious impregnation by the embryos from the beginning of the movie.

   Meanwhile, there's the Lady in the Radiator in Henry's apartment, another alien mutant who is waiting to contact Henry; she appears to Henry on a minuscule stage in the middle of his radiator (sure it's weirdness supreme, but so is the whole flick).

   But she doesn't even get him yet.

   Mary, due to the child's incessant crying one night, goes home to Mother. The kid shuts up shortly thereafter, but screams whenever Henry attempts to the leave the apartment (it's now obvious that the dying mutants have wanted to get Henry from the start, and are using the freak baby to do it).

   However, Mary returns later for one incredible scene in which she is tossing and turning late one night in bed; Henry wakes up and, while Mary's half-asleep, pulls several of the long, stringy embryos out of his now-wife and throws them against the wall in horror!

   After he's left alone, Henry has a night of sex with the Beautiful Girl Across the Hall; they actually sink down into a white pool of wet lust that appears on his bed; the girl may only be in his imagination, but I don't think so.

   What comes next introduced the infamous Eraserhead Scene, in which the Lady in the Radiator (who has large white puffs of skin sticking out from each cheek) sings a song about heaven (some have told me the dying planet is actually heaven; I'm not entirely sure of that). (If all of this is very disjointed, sorry; that's the way the film's structured).

Henry walks up on the Lady's stage and stands behind a railing after the alien mutant "woman" vanishes; Henry's head is then ripped off, and in its place appears the baby's tiny, screaming head and neck---a nightmarish vision if ever there were one.

Henry's head falls through the stage floor, wet with blood, and falls onto the street somewhere, where a kid runs up, snatches it and takes it to a shop where Henry's brains are used to make erasers. Henry awakens after this scene, and it all appears to have been a dream (or was it)?

   All of which brings us to the gruesome climax. It begins as Henry lays in bed; staring at the ceiling and picking holes in his bedsheet; the baby starts to laugh at him repeatedly from across the room (a very funny moment in the film) from the table is is propped up on. Finally, Henry gets P.O.ed enough to get up, grab a pail of scissors, and sit next to the alien child.

   Slowly he cuts open the bandages and stares in horror at the exposed vital organs; the baby cries in fright. Henry stabs the exposed viscera, creating a flow of pus; the bay opens its mouth and coughs up gobs of blood (this moment is so disgusting, I saw punkers in the audience turn their heads the first time I saw the film). 

   Then chaos breaks out in the apartment; the lights flare up and blow out in the room. As Henry watches in horror, the baby's head somehow grows to mammoth proportions, as it stares at Henry in the darkness; Henry's wide-eyed face is backlit against clouds of eraser dust (a great shot)!

   The child's huge head somehow transports Henry to the dying planet, which is bathed in white light, as The Man Who Pulls the Levers fries himself to death from the electric sparks emitting from the levers. The Lady in the Radiator walks up to Henry and embraces him, as if to welcome him Home, as Henry stands there taking in the moment as he has for all hi life: standing still, with his eyes closed. Angelic music swell as we---

   Cut to black; The End.

   Is Henry psychically alive or dead? He has come to play God to the planet, to possibly become the new Man Who Pulls the Levers (apparently so)? Is this place actually heaven, and is Henry now God?

   It would seem the answers are up to the viewer since, apparently, only writer/director/editor David Lynch knows for sure.

   And he's not talking.

The Witchmaker

The Witchmaker (Legend Of Witch Hollow) Directed By William O. Brown, starring Alvy Moore (1969).

A blonde in granny panties out in the swamp gets bonked over the head and gutted upside down while an ankh (or Egyptian symbol of resurrection) is drawn on her stomach in lipstick by a drooling lunatic.

   A rambling old-timey cracker blames the crime on "witch perverts" as typical B-movie college edu-macated folks get a tour on a riverboat (some of the ladies wear white gloves and the men carry brief cases).

The hulking figure hides behind the swamp trees as the group get comfy in their cabin, he's an imposing Solomon Grundy type swamp hick. 

SKYNYRD!!!!

   The team is out looking for psychic phenomenon related to electro-magnetic waves or some other "city folks gobiltty gook".

   It turns out some of the blonde bikini babes have witch blood and remark on how they put the whammy on a relative. Luther "The Bezerker" looks like he could be Rob Z'Dar's grampa and laughs incessantly as a topless girl (covering her breasts) runs toward the screen on instant replay. The Bezerker (which is perfect professional wrestler name) is played by John Lodge, his last film was the bizarre Miami Florida trainwreck; Revenge is my Destiny. 

   Luther invokes satan to help him with his sorcery (he paints the egyptian symbol again, which is not evil as all, but positive, Shhhhhh don't tell the director of this movie). A Margaret Hamilton type soggy witch is conjured as they both get sauced (on Alligator Wine perhaps)?

I'll tell yoo when I had enough!

He makes a deal to add one of the blondes to the coven. The people in the cabin have a seance, this film has a goofy kiddie scare quality that's cutesy, making it slightly annoying (but this is the mid 60's and only H.G. Lewis among a few others were delving into extreme gore at the time). I'll cut them alittle bit of slack, even though its very tedious and not as fun as it should have been.    

   The overt satanism probably shocked Christians at the time (in the same way Coffin Joe offended Catholic groups in Brazil), it's all very strange for a 60's movie in a tame kind of way, almost as dull as another 60's Warlock movie I can't stand; The Dunwich Horror.    

I resent that Crank, we were all rejected from that Bewitched audition!

   Luther assembles a cast of Bewitched type rejects toward the end and the other characters in the film almost knock over the momentum with the most tear inducing boring dialogue,I've heard since suffering through Showgirls 2! 

you're just the coolest Satan

   Director William O. Brown never made another film after this one, his whereabouts are unknown. Alvy Moore from Green Acres went onto have a nice career, either appearing in Satanic dreck like this and Brotherhood Of Satan or voicing cartoons in the 80s.

Slightly Annoying, skip this and watch something with more Guts, like The Sentinel! 

Please Don't Eat The Babies

Please Don't Eat The Babies Directed By Marcus Robertson, starring nobody (1983).

The legendary description written by Chas Balun in the Deep Red catalog went as follows "A Shipwrecked crew of anal dwarves get chomped by big bugs!"

That was enough to set Skunkape and I on a wild goose chase into the video trading underworld to secure a copy of this rare supremely retarded, inbred hillbilly tale.

Anal Dwarves will not be seen tonight

  There are zero anal dwarves in tonight's feature sadly, just a cannibalistic one that pops up out of nowhere and takes a chunk out of this girl's belly. The film itself is pretty horrible, but there's forced perspective shots of cockroaches right in the camera that made me laugh so hard, I almost bit my tongue off!

Be afraid, don't laugh at my ginormity!

   There's lots of slack jawed yokels who all talk in that authentic Appalachian gobbilty gook and seem like second cousins to the banjo playin kin-folk from Deliverance or Sarah Palin.

I was Macauly's stunt double when he slept over at Michael Jacksons

   There's a fake Macaulay Culkin, dressed in a Huck Finn costume lurking about and the whole flick has that Night Of The Demon horrendous quality that can only be achieved by entry level humans who got together and decided the world needed to be made aware of their rural plight (or that bugs sprang from the depth of hell crave the scrumptious taste of people)! 

We got armadillo's in our trousers

   Bikini girls and hairy dudes in speedos are the main characters, we're supposed to identify with. The camera looms underneath in the speedo ball range (who was the cinematographer? Matt Ramsey)?

   The kids take advice from a couple of toothless sailors who look like rejects from Cabin Boy (or the documentary version), they tell the tall fish tale of big baby eating bugs and all the scantily clad women in this film look criminally underage!

Cabin Boy, the documentary

   There's a long shot of bubbles rising to the surface, they are supposed to be the big scary bugs (but they just look like garbage bags). Gramps is an abusive, gun toting creep and his wife looks like the rapping granny from Adam Sandler films.

I'll just wait here and think of baseball until I can walk again

   Then there's an inbred Frankenstein in jeans who constantly has a boner (and occasionally feeds the lone dwarf poor innocent girls). This film makes absolutely no sense and was possibly created to capitalize on some of that sweet Jason Voorhees/ Paramount Pictures moollah (who the hell knows)? The bad lighting and nobodies in bathing suits also reminded me of another atrocious movie that I never want to revisit; Humongous.

   Than the movie takes a nose dive into hillbilly surrealism as "The Devil" shows up (he looks like Robert Picardo or The Cowboy from Inner Space), he speaks in a warbled tone and uses his supernatural powers to possess a busty girl (with giant pepperoni sized nipples) to slice up a dude with a straight razor.  

Hail me

   The film quality gets increasingly poor and threatens to swallow up all the action in a haze of darkness. The last 20 minutes take place in some kind of pit of hell (you'll feel like you're in a living nightmare trying to survive the waves of boredom, striking at your skull full force)!

Howdy, I'm Hank The Anal Dwarf!

   The film's only redeeming quality is that hopefully Rifftrax will pick it up and trash it (other than that, it's a totally worthless wretched piece of junk)!

The editor credits are larry,joe,tom,dick and harry, I shit you not! It got even more bizarre after I discovered that the re-edited cleaned up version is called Island Fury. The footage from Please Don't Eat The Babies is used to bookend a dull terrorist island flick (called Island Fury). The entire subplot about giant bugs, blood thirsty dwarves or devils was edited out, I'll put it this way, if you thought this movie was already horrible, just wait until you're left with the dullest characters in cinema minus all the entertaining parts. 

Recommended for people with severe brain trauma or fans of Night Of The Demon (a Skunkape approved cinematic triumph)! 

Heroes Shed No Tears

“Heroes Shed No Tears” (aka “Ying xiong wu lei”, dir. John Woo, 1986)

Review By Goat Scrote

                John Woo has been making movies for forty years now in a range of genres and styles, and with vastly different levels of budgetary resources. In case you somehow aren’t familiar with the guy, there was a golden period in the late 80s/early 90s when he was widely considered to be the undisputed world heavyweight champion of action movie directors. His elaborately-staged two-fisted slow-mo gun battles have been imitated so many times they’ve become cliché, and it’s possible to forget that the reason his style has been imitated so many times is the originals were so freakin’ great.

“Heroes Shed No Tears” is an action movie, but it is not from that golden window of time, at least not quite. The way the story goes, “Heroes…” was made around 1984 and then put on a shelf to gather dust for a couple of years. Woo’s big breakout success "A Better Tomorrow" was released in 1986 and established his reputation worldwide. The same year, the studio decided to release “Heroes Shed No Tears” after all.
Now that we’ve got all of that backstory out of the way, I’m going to suggest that the best way to enjoy this movie is to entirely forget who the director was. There are some ‘Woo-ey’ touches, but you will not find herein the visual sophistication or emotional depth or badass choreography of his revered classics. What you will find is a moderately entertaining low-budget B-movie with plenty of cartoonish bloody action. Slapstick violence, darkly absurd situations, and the occasional gross-bodily-function joke help lighten the tone even in the middle of some rather grim events. When one of the soldiers gambles away his dinner, he gets revenge by telling the winner where the meat came from… the rump of a dead enemy soldier. When the bad guys attempt to burn a child alive, the kid saves himself with a technique straight out of a cartoon by digging a hole and burying himself until the danger is over. Is that really less believable than being able to outrun an explosion, or guns that never run out of ammo, or anything else in action movies?

I thought it was Sweet and Sour Pork!

The heroes are a mercenary squad raiding a drug trafficking operation tucked away in the jungle somewhere near the Thai/Vietnamese border. They are bad-asses who mow down enemies by the dozens… and that’s before they bring out the flamethrower! Their plan is to capture the General in charge of the operation and bring him in alive for the huge bounty on his head. The wily General leaves behind a trail of tokens from his lucky charm necklace, so his men are never far behind and they are madder than hornets. 

John Woo's Tropic Thunder

The protagonist is a mercenary named Chan and after the raid, the first stop for the squad is Chan’s house, where his family is waiting to be picked up. The black-uniformed bad guys somehow know where the good guys are headed and manage to get there first. They kill kindly old gramps and Chan must rescue his sister and his son, Little Keong.

As if having one army on their tail wasn’t enough, the squad decides to interfere when a whole different set of military toughs in green uniforms assault a pair of journalists and their driver. A gun battle follows, and there is a cool shooting-a-sniper-back-through-his-own-scope move which is one of my favorite bits of the movie. The officer in charge of the checkpoint loses an eye, and Chan’s squad has a new enemy and a second inexhaustible supply of interchangeable thugs hunting them.

The gambling-addicted member of the team ends up in a dice game with stakes involving another man's wife, a four-faced golden Buddha statue, and four kilos of premium heroin. Other squad members likewise find themselves in tricky, slightly absurd situations... and then out of nowhere, in the midst of the light comedy, SURPRISE IMPALEMENT! The trouble just keeps escalating. Now the bad guys have conscripted a local tribe of hunters to take out the squad. There’s just a dash of cannibal-movie vibe as the tribesmen keep popping up to pick them off one by one with traps and ambushes.

Deodato style calisthenics

The squad heads to a place that appears to be a shrine to the God of High Explosives. In the middle of the place, surrounded by beautiful women, is an unlikely high priest: An oversexed expatriate American soldier who sits around meditating and getting high in an explosive vest. He also happens to be one of Chan’s old combat buddies.

the Jungle is nothing compared to the ghetto

Chan explains that he is after the bounty so he and Little Keong can get to the United States, but their buddy from the US warns that nothing is different there. Personally, I'm a little puzzled by this attitude, and I can only assume that this fella grew up in a really shitty part of some inner-city hellhole. In that case, I can see how someone might think it was pretty normal to have private armies funded by drug sales working out their personal vendettas in the streets with automatic weapons.

The mercenaries have it pretty good here, all things considered, but we know that the two armies have teamed up and they are about to bring down their wrath. A massive gun battle follows, and both sides start flinging grenades and things. Somehow all of this fails to set off any of the explosives wired up all over the place, inside and out. The little kid inexplicably decides to go running across the battlefield, a bonehead move which gets yet another squad member killed and leaves Chan seriously injured and apparently dead. The one-eyed officer takes Chan captive and tortures him rather inventively. His eyes are sewn open and he is hung by his arms, staring at the sun, with a spike slowly impaling him. The kid returns to rescue his father... and he actually pulls it off.

Baby doctors use Johnson and Johnson medical wipes

Later Little Keong chews through the stitching around his father's eyes, which is both demented and quite a sweet display of devotion. Not very sanitary, though, even for emergency field medicine. A few battles later, pretty much everyone is dead, except for Chan, the kid, the sister, and the General. The General has been strapped into an explosive vest to ensure his good behavior, but he just can’t help himself and finally gets detonated. Just when things seem resolved, the one-eyed officer shows up for the final-final-FINAL showdown. With all the serious bad guys out of the way, the tribe makes a final appearance, but they no longer have any reason to hunt Chan’s crew, so they let them go. Chan’s still got serious injuries, they’re homeless, and with the General being reduced to a superheated liquid, there’s no bounty forthcoming. Oh well, at least they’re alive, I guess…? Happy ending!

Get Out Of My Way I Really Mean It!!!!

Artist's representation of Mr. P. Ness

Turd Of The Week By Eliot P. Ness

I got a lotta nice responses from Get Outta My Way, Man!! (as long as I've made one soul smile, my life has had a purpose!) and bless Cranky for reprinting it here again, from the late, great Subhuman! Also, peel an eyeball for The Scum People too, which I also loved & it wasn't as well known as the former & I must admit, both bogus reviews still make myself laff (he said pretentiously!)...

Street Trash's homage to Get out of my way man

   
Get Out Of My Way Man, I Really Mean It!!! proves to be a film as stupid as its title. This Mexican/Canadian co-production stars Giraldo Pieyya (who?) as a constipated Bud Spencer-type who was severely traumatized as a child when his mother first caught him alone in the bathroom--moving his bowels.

   "I can't believe you did that!" she scalds him in an early flashback scene. "Sitting there, pinching turds! Grunting! Stinking up our beautiful home (which had no walls, and was in a Mexican slum neighborhood)!! Consequently, the young Raul could only defecate in bus terminal restrooms.

   Hence, for most of the film's insurmountable two-and-a-half hour running time, Pieyya waddles his huge frame down unending streets and slams people with his fat arms, proclaiming repeatedly, "Get out of my way Man, I really mean it!!" as he makes his way from one Greyhound station to the next. 

   The film has an incredibly disgusting ending, in which the fat man, after having the worlds worst Big Mac attack, gorges himself on one Mexican restaurant after another, vulgarly cramming food into his mouth and down his throat (filmed in nauseating close-ups) in a culinary orgy which lasts for almost the entire last hour of the film, belching and farting all the while. He then calls three waiters to his table, where they spend ten full minutes of screen time pulling him out of his food booth. The incredibly bloated fat-ass then bounces down the street screaming, "Get out of my way! Look Out!!" As he had eaten his way into unfamiliar territory, he is unable to find the local bus depot, and as he rolls out into a busy traffic intersection, he literally explodes on camera, spewing viscera and excrement high into the air (some of it even hits the people standing around him).

   This sight caused the woman in the car next to mine (I saw this godawful thing in a peoria drive-in) to laugh hysterically and honk her horn--along with many others--for the following ten minutes.

   This is the first film to be distributed by the new Superb Films, Inc. Co,. and let's hope there aren't many more of its ilk to follow.

Julie Darling

Julie Darling (Daughter Of Death) Directed By Paul Nicolas (1983)

I've been raiding all kinds of sources for disturbing films to review aside from the usual places and the way I found this one was by an endorsement from Gore Gazette's Rick Sullivan. He described this as something that appalled jaded 42nd street theater-goers and said it was a sick film "for pedophiles only", remember blame the art not the artist! So what happens in this sleaze-fest anyway, well let's all find together tonight on this Dr. Phil addition of TOG!

   An attractive teenage girl (Isabelle Mejias, who went onto Meatballs 3 and according to the Code Red re-release DVD, hates this film). She seems to be acting out because her parents are having marriage problems, her father Harold is played by Anthony Franciosa, the killer in Tenebrae. She has a pet snake and likes to taunt her uptight mother with it, what kind of hillbilly girl has a gun rack in her bedroom and enjoys watching her snake chomp on a live rat, weirdo Julie that's who (or perhaps a young Sarah Palin).

I'm just exercising my god given right to kill annoying bitches 

   While out hunting with her father, a slimy horn-dog grocery delivery clerk (played by the perpetually eye rolling actor Paul Hubbard), decides to rape Julie's mother, who is the reason she will be sent to a boarding school. Julie watches as the creep defiles her mom, clutching a gun and waits until the last bit of oxygen has left her body, never helping, that way she no longer has to leave her father's side.

It's a taboo love that no one shall prevent!

   She's very possessive of her father and may have a history of erasing disciplinary mother figures out of the picture (if this is her real mother, she's not upset at all by her death).

Susan (Sybil Danning) moves into the picture and marries Julie's father Harold, this obviously spells more trouble to follow.

My hands are cramping from all this picture cutting

   The father lands all these hot blondes because he's super rich and the daughter has a fixation on her daddy that she'll kill to preserve. The father moves on very quickly and there's not even a funeral scene after her mother's supposed accident!

   The grocery clerk rapist shows up later and is up to his old tricks again, after being released from the police station he cracks open a Schlitz and toasts to the porn pictures nailed to the walls of his scummy apartment. Julie makes a deal with the miscreant and says "kill my stepmother and rape her all you want"--- what a classy broad, she's sort of an updated Bad Seed type character, but more perverted!

YYYEECCCCHHHHHHHHHHHH!

   It runs into father/daughter incest territory as the daughter watches her father have sex with his new bride and fantasizes that she's his partner instead! This may be the sole reason to watch Julie Darling, which up until than seemed like a normal troubled, unloved weird child story and has now taken a demented path into pedo-terrain. It's by far the sickest melodrama I've ever seen. It has an incredible ending that would make Valerie Solanas cream in her jeans! 

   The incest themes remind me of another director, who worked with the actor from Tenebrae, I'm wracking my brain, who could it be? He has a daughter named Asia and has an unhealthy fixation on his daughter's naked body…. Oh well It'll come to me soon, whomever it may be. 

Is it Bruno Mattei ?

   The director of this film Paul Nicolas directed the "Citizen Kane of Women In Prison Films": Chained Heat and is beyond criticism as far as that one goes. This movie is swathed in cryptic melodrama and pastural settings, the perfect place for a nubile teenage female to make sweet love to her paternal father, ewwwwwwww!!!!!!! This film is dirty and is making me write horrible things! The ending is so mind-bendingly good, that I suggest you not drink anything while watching or you make do a full force spit take (it involves a pair of balls and a bottle of Bacardi)!
Highly Recommended for Weirdos Only!

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