Friday, August 2, 2013


Slaughterhouse Directed By Rick Roessler Starring a bunch of people who were never seen or heard from again. (1987).
What's worse than a remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a reboot or that last 3D Chainsaw flick? A fake Texas Chainsaw! In some cases when done right, it turns out brilliantly, like say Motel Hell (which is almost a separate entity concerning "Gein-esque" lovable inbred cannibals). Meet one of the least memorable poseur Leatherface type characters ever to grace the screen since Stitcho The Clown, Buddy Bacon! He looks like the turd baby of Cal from Sanford and Porkins from Star Wars!
This Cal not appearing in tonights feature
   He wears chains and eyeliner like an 80's WWF wrestler and sleeps with hogs in a pig pen. The credit music sounds like something out of a Sherwood Swartz production and there is authentic pig butchering footage (don't get too excited, because it's all downhill from here on out)!
   This is one of the most exhausting films, I've seen in recent memory, it's just soul crushing and miserable! None of the forty year olds pretending to be high school kids add any development to the storyline, as they drive around, hang out in restaurants and cause trouble for the local sheriff, ZZZZZZ, I'm getting sleepy as I write this!
   There's a wacky DJ who periodically hams it up (Gawfaw, get it)? He promotes his generic dance party for the grand finale at the Big Pig Out! The teens do make it over there and start gyrating to fake REO Speedwagon tunes, Oh Joy! This film is weak as shit!
   The premise of former meat packing plant titans: The Bacon Family, whining about automatic butcher machines forcing them out of a work is pretty slim, even for a low budget dull slasher flick! Eventually the meat hooks start piercing flesh and bone and the men trying to take over The Bacon factory all go down one by one. The pacing is like a wanna-be Friday The 13th and you'd be hard pressed to find anyone to identify or care about in this flick. They all deliver the most atrociously wooden acting skills and sadly none of them die creatively (at least in a real slasher movie, that's something to look forward too)! If Roessler had successfully ripped off TCM, he might have been as wealthy as Rob Zombie (who's made a killing out of stealing from Tobe Hooper's seminal classic).
I was completely bamboozled by the misleading trailer which made it look like Cannonball Run with a tubby Ed Gein behind the wheel.
   Chas wrote about it in Deep Red, as an attempt to create some buzz, I have the feeling he'd support almost anything "Chainsaw" related, case in point HollyWood Chainsaw Hookers being in the catalog. I can't fault the man for that, Leatherface hadn't been put through the ringer just yet! And even though it looked stupid, sometimes you gotta put on the blinders and bite the bullet, especially if someone you trust convinces you. Roessler really shelled out some bucks for the promotion machine (check out this clever No Smoking Ad).

Roessler, Joe Barton who played Buddy Bacon and everyone else involved fell off the face of the earth and were never heard from again, lucky us!
This film should join other forgotten filth in the landfill of rarities no one should unearth or bother to remember. Totally unrewarding, migraine inducing slop, save your eyeballs and watch anything else!
Use As A DoorStop!


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