Flavia The Heretic

Flavia The Heretic, Directed By Gianfranco Mingozzi. Starring Florinda Bolkan. (1974).

      Florinda Bolkan( Don't Torture a Duckling, Machine Gun Mccain) plays Flavia The Heretic, a nun looking for something better than religious oppression. The historical aspect is all over the place and it's not healthy to count on a nunsploitation flick for accuracy. It seems to take place during the Crusades and there is political strife between Christians and Muslims. Flavia's father beheads a knight and it all takes place in Southern Italy. The nuns all pray flat on their bellies like reptiles as Flavia fantasizes about the beheaded knight. The Tarantula Cult arrives (they wildly dance and speak in tongues like Snake Handlers)! They climb the walls and floors for awhile. Flavia whips out her unusually pointy nipples and aims them at a saint (possibly Constantine who points his sword towards her). She leaves the convent and visits Abraham, who her father took out of a Jewish ghetto and set him up in a nice cottage. He tells her about Lillith (who apparently was created by God out of shit & garbage). Now I know why they used her for Lillith Fair!! There are boundaries set up in this film concerning Jews being ostracized by Christians and Nuns locked in convents, they both seek control and freedom from oppression. These are valuable lessons for such a Eurotrash flick which is part Fulci/ part Fiddler on The Roof/ Olivia Hussey Romeo & Juliet! 

Abraham's sweet black light poster

Flavia sees all kinds of horrible shit on the farm by the convent (people screwing in a pig pen), a real horse being castrated. Flavia starts to resent men (Father, Son & Holy Ghost), who she considers all men and there are themes of denied human emotions, shame, sin of pride.The nuns act like the ones in The Devils but not as cryptic. A nun's breasts and belly are scarred and then sliced off as Flavia looks down below from a stone pit. She starts to realize that the confessors and priests only want to be in control of a women's freewill and also control her. Abraham (The Jewish hermit) is Flavia's only companion and they run away together. Her attachment to him could be considered cavorting with a heretic (during the Spanish ReconQuista, but that's never mentioned).The music sounds like Romeo & Juliet and Mark of The Devil. This is less a horror film and more of a character study of social taboos found in a repressed Catholic setting. Flavia stops wearing her nun habit and accepts Abraham's friendship. 

        They both pay as Flavia is whipped and brought back into the fold. Constantine keeps visiting her and is told that men are afraid their power will be usurped by nuns. One nun pees on the ground then tries to force Flavia into a lesbian encounter (why she peed first is anyone's guess)? The nun that Flavia hangs out with is insane and calls the Madonna a Pagan venus? At one point she grabs a random kid's balls and yells that Christians are shitting their pants over the Muslim/ Christian war. Muslims represent the other world to these nuns trapped on this hellish island. Why they would go against Christ is the same theme as The Devils, that they really worship order and power and lust for men. The knight with a pig sex fetish impales Flavia's deranged nun friend. He is later captured and forced to reenact the sex in the pig pen (He looks sort of like Al Lettieri from Mr. Majestik, The Get Away). The same uninhibited nature of destruction during the Middle Ages is a long running theme (found in Flesh + Blood too). Flavia finally gives in and sheds her pesky virginity with the future villain in Young Sherlock Holmes (played by a young Anthony Higgins). The foul mouthed ball grabbing nun rises from the dead and the walls begin to bleed. Other scary shit that occurs; a full bushed naked woman steps off a cross is then eaten by others and starts a chain reaction orgy, while in the background a girl feeds inside the carcass of a cow. I mean this is starting to look like a Deicide/ Morbid Angel wet dream! Uck! This film takes a lot of patience to get through, but has enough madness to sustain any atheist, gorehound or historical nerd (Although they may get pissed from all the inaccuracies). 

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Collector's Item (La Gabbia)

Collector's Item (La Gabbia, The Trap) Starring Tony Musante, Directed By Giuseppe Patroni Griffi  (1985).

The first time I saw Tony Musante, he scared the shit out of me, playing a racist subway terrorist punk, along with Martin Sheen in The Incident. To me, he's never surpassed that role. He was also the lead in Dario Argento's landmark giallo, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, upstaged Franco Nero in The Mercenary  and later ended up on HBO's Oz. Before he starred in this film, he was in The Pope of Greenwich Village. Sadly, Musante died a year ago and was a very talented actor who will be missed.  

   I found this title leafing through the tattered catalog as usual, thinking this was just another "collectors item" from the famed Deep Red archives, but it turned out that it was just an alternate title for tonight's feature. It's an over stuffed manicotti, packed with all kinds of talented meatballs! 

  Let's see-- we got Lucio Fulci's chubby sausage fingers behind the typewriter, Roberto Leoni (the cowriter of Santa Sangre), Florinda Bolkan from Don't Torture a Duckling and Flavia The Heretic on board and Cristina (Opera) Marsillach. Also Morricone is slumming it again, providing the funky bass heavy score.

It's a bubbling cheesy lasagna crammed with all kinds of Italian Horror stars! 

And wouldn't you know, just in time for the holidays here at ToG Headquarters--it's Christmas time! Michael's (Musante) wife, played by Florinda has to go and visit their son on Christmas, leaving the door open for this letch to cheat on her.

Answer the door for your mystery date

   In Michael's apartment, they establish that someone behind a peephole is watching his every move. It turns out to be Marie Colbert (played by Laura Antonelli), a former lover of his. They flash back and forth to the past and present a lot during this film to illustrate their relationship. Young Marie is played by Cristina Marsillach, the girl whose eyelids were held open by scotch tape and nails in Argento's Opera. That actress is way too pretty to be believable as Marie Colbert, but it works to our benefit because we get to see her naked and she looks amazing!

Gorgonzola cheese by Calvin Klein

   This anonymous sexual encounter from the past, coincidentally has come back to roost and not in his favor. Fulci, you sly dog--you nailed it out of the park with the ultra-sleazy Devil's Honey--so I'm inclined to trust that you can pull off another erotic thriller with gusto! I'm not familiar with director Giuseppe Patroni Griffi, but he seems too classy to be involved with Italian horror. Speaking of the Devil's Honey, Blanca Marsillach (Christina's sister) played the twisted sexual dominator in that film. This would make a nice double feature for people who want to see what kind of demented torture she's capable of as an accomplished actress. At one of the Castro Theatre screenings, they did something similar with actress Isabella Adjani, when they pared Possession (Zulawski 1981) with The Tenant (Polanski 1976).

Who's gonna tickle me till I pee?

   Collector's Item is smeared with a little too much vaseline on the lense and not enough dirt and grime (the kind we all love here at ToG). I'm thinking Griffin smoothed over some of the more hideous elements of the Fulci script and plugged it up with more sequins and elderly ladies in granny garters. When Musante and Antonelli have relations, it skeeved me out, they are both in the geriatric set and it just feels wrong. 

AARP Viagra ad

   Marie feels guilty about the sexual reunion and cries afterward. Michael stayed behind, so he could cheat on his wife, whatever happens, he deserves the consequences. Colbert gets a tad bit possessive at first, possibly just the flicker of a psychotic firestorm thats brewing for later. They all have a pathetic forced surrogate family Christmas and I'm thinking the eggnog will finish with him getting it on with mother and daughter. His sexual conquest plans derail, as Marie drugs his drink and ties him up in a creepy foodie (food+sex) S&M way. No safe words though, just humiliation games, only benefitting her revenge. Some Christmas this turned out to be!   

Geez Mom, you win at shower handgun Connect 4 again.

   The daughter engages in some of these sick games as well and won't untie Michael. The worst part is that Colbert isn't even interested in more sex, she wants to keep him prisoner, until he decides to marry her and leave his current wife. One very gross scene has her smear Foie Gras and Caviar on his head and chest hair!

I said I don't like German poop sex

   In La Gabbia, the version I saw, Musante is dubbed and you can audibly hear his real voice during the caviar scene go "You Fucking Nut!" It's pretty funny.

   Jacqueline gives Michael blue balls, by cozying up to him while he's tied up and then leaving the room. The mother and daughter are an incestial, sadistic duo of some sort. There's no gore and this is not really a horror film, but the Caviar matted into Musante's hair and face looks disgusting. This is a great performance for him, I do miss hearing that gritty street thug voice, that's the only complaint I have. I'm pretty sure there's a non-dubbed version, which may slightly be edited. The psychotic mother and daughter stab him and stitch the wound back together, but have no idea what they are doing and it gets infected. This besides the icky food getting stuck to different places, is the grossest scene and the wound looks like it's smeared with mustard and ketchup! Maybe the makeup and craft services guy were the same.

No, I don't want to play Santa Sangre hand puppets again!

    The cracked Marie seems to have a history of getting fixated on different men, torturing them then dumping them. The ending is very abrupt and they expect you to connect the dots (besides Fulci this was written by two others), they should have picked up the slack for sure.

   The Marsillach sisters look extremely sexy and both show full bush, even if you absolutely hate this kind of erotic eurotrash, at least there's that to latch onto. 

   Collector's Item is very classy with a hint of sleaze lingering throughout, the only flaw for me, was that it ending, because you're all invested in what's going to happen next. It has that kind of Argento finale, where things are resolved, but then something jarring or frustrating happens to cap it off. 

"Have you seen your mother Baaby, slatherin dudes in Foie Gras"

   All in all, Collector's Item is worth checking out, it's fun in a trashy soap opera kind of way, with elements of supreme weirdness thrown in. Critics online have compared this to Fatal Attraction, which came out a few years later and I see only a flimsy connection, this is definitely not a ripoff of that big budget flick. 

GAUDY CHEESE IN THE HIGHEST GRADE!  

NO LINK

Yummy nourishing Booze

Killer Nun

Killer Nun Directed by Giulio Berruti, Starring Anita Eckberg (1978).

It begins with that famous song from The Shining, which I did a little research and found that Wendy Carlos took "Dies Irae", an old Latin Hymn from the 13th century and reinterpreted it for the Stanley Kubrick masterpiece. And here I thought, why didn't they steal Jerry Goldsmith's track from The Omen (since we're in that purgatory region). Actually the Killer Nun tune sounds like a mash-up of Ave Satani and The Shining song. It turns out however that Giulio Berruti was more clever than I would imagine, because "Dies Irae" is about the day of judgement used in Roman Catholic Requiem Mass. See there's that Humanities degree being put to the test finally! 

   Skunkape warned me over and over, never to watch Killer Nun because it, to quote him "sucks balls"! Nunsploitation is a subgenre I may actually detest more than Naziploitation--at least with that, you're shocked or appalled as well as entertained. In these religious hysterical dramas I get the feeling there's some kind of underlying philosophy of oppression in league with the "Witch burning films". The fanatical hysteria is almost always driven by lust or greed, this time it's lack of medication. 

Fellini said it was cool if I steal these cookies

   This one stars Anita Ekberg, who most famously starred in Fellini films, so it gets that stink of classiness missing from other nunsploits like Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun or Flavia The Heretic. I did enjoy those two films very much and it's the main reason I'm sticking my neck out this time around. Fingers crossed it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass! 

That's it keep praying, nobody will suspect anything

   My favorite Fulci voice actor Ed Mannix is always music to my ears--here he dubs a priest in a confessional. Sister Gertrude (Anita Eckberg) is the unhinged, deranged nun who works at a mental hospital. One of the patients is Lou Castel (from A Bullet for the General and most likely Neil Patrick Harris' natural birth father, he looks uncomfortably like him). 

I knew it would all go downhill after they canceled How I Met Your Mother!

   The "Killer" Nun is afraid that if she doesn't get more medication, she will snap and start killing all of the patients. The Doctor refuses to administer the nun's morphine and her flock tries to remind her that suffering is what a nun is born to do. 

   She takes comfort in reading the most barbaric torture passages from her bible at dinner and stomps an old ladies false teeth into gummy splinters. 

   Paola Morra, a busty lesbian nun and former Miss Feb. in Italian Playboy 1978, will do anything to get in Sister Gertrude's habit. Speaking of habits, this white penguin has got a monkey on her back in the form of morphine and plans to sell a precious ring to earn enough money, outside the church.

   Skunkape kept telling me how ugly Eckberg was, and for a semi-erotic Skin-a-max style flick, Killer Nun doesn't really work. It can be enjoyed on a level of cheesiness that's missing from most other nunsploits however. Gertrude ventures out into the big bad city on the prowl for some hardcore sex. The jaunty piano song they play during her exploits is laughable, making it all more embarrassing than it should be.

Bravo, now we know how you both really feel, so what!

   Also--I don't find Eckberg attractive--so it doesn't work on an enjoyably sleazy level. 

I do feel happy that she's able to escape the self imposed Catholic prison and get some casual sex. 

These brains would taste better with some prosciutto and melon

   There's an odd psychedelic brain surgery freakout with some mild necrophilia tacked on. While that was going on in her mind, she goes into a trance and commits her first murder.

   Sister Mathieu (Morra) is there for moral support but it skeeves out Sister Gertrude.

The drug crazed psycho nun gets the other psychiatrist fired for not supplying her and guess who shows up as the new Doctor? None other then Andy Warhol's resident New Yawk street hustler/actor Joe Dallesandro. It's a shame that he's dubbed though, because in other Eurotrash films, his heavy Bronx accent sticks out like a sore thumb, here he sounds like any other schmuck!

That's right, Warhol paid me in soup cans and handjobs, big deal!

   In the rain, as the nun hangs outside, she watches a disgusting sex scene with a young girl and an elderly man in a wheelchair. Gertrude turns the tables on Sister Mathieu and can only feel aroused when she's abusing her, Morra has a nice body and its a shame they hardly ever show it.  

   Toward the end the "sister of perpetual suffering" breaks out the acupuncture needles and sticks them in a poor old woman's face! She gleefully jabs a scalpel in and out of her skin and hangs the victim upside down, it's pretty gross!

   In the catalog Chas referred to this as "nearly good as D'Amato". I've enjoyed D'Amato's work better than this film, it's not terrible, just a little too silly for its own good. It doesn't deliver the sadism all the way thru and sort of pulls its punches. I slightly recommend it, 2 out of 4 on the Cult-O-Meter. Blue Underground has this out on Blu-Ray and DVD if you wanna pick up a copy.

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Love Letters Of A Portuguese Nun

Love Letters Of A Portugese Nun  Directed By Jess Franco. Starring Susan Hemmingway (1977).

Lately here at Theater Of Guts, we've been delving into the pits of despair and misery, tackling films with subject matter like canine/female fornicating, organ stealing, scatological hijinks and now.......

DRUM ROLE PLEASE!

   Satanic pedophilia, or a Catholic monastery posing as righteous, but in secret worshiping the lord of the flies in an unholy conspiracy of extra ordinary magnitude!

   That's right, we've finally reached a new low and plunged the epicenter with this beautifully crafted Jess Franco Nunsploitation flick! If there's a hell below, we're all going to go!
   We don't cover that many films in this genre because I find them to be usually dull and in my mind, The Devils stands alone beyond the pale, as the unholy sister torturing, reprehensible masterpiece that decimates all the competition.

   There's no reason to see any others in the category, once you've witnessed a hunchback nun lick the bleeding wounds off Oliver Reed, adorned with a crown of thorns in a frenetically induced wet dream. During the 70's however, the public demanded every second rate foreign smut peddler to crank out his own nun fetish, histori-porn and hopefully scare up enough religious hysteria to furnish their lush apartments. See The Flavia The Heretic  and The Other Hell for more nun torture flicks and even more here.

Spruce up any gothic castle with a naked virgin wrapped in bramble

   Portuguese Nun has alot in its arsenal, the cinematography by Peter Baumgartner for the usually Skin-A-Max drenched soft core Franco effort is spellbinding. The film quality, lighting and pastural, gothic locations sharpen up the typical Franco signatures and distractions into something memorable.

   Susan Hemmingway (nice try, but no relation)! is all innocent and nubile, she shows full frontal and played this role at the tender age of 15, her stark naked body got this film into some scalding ultra conservative water and often her scenes of torment and a subliminal Elmer's Glue facial were deleted. I'm guessing that Hemmingway was in the same boat as Traci Lords for appearing naked at such a young age (but on a timid scale). Later on she's tied to the rack and strewn with thorns that pierce her goose pimpled flesh, I can almost hear Glen Benton or the singer from Gorgoroth smacking their lips in approval.

Oh Good, I'm still locked in a satanic convent, I thought I was in high school!

   She falls victim to the corrupt mop topped preacher Father Vicente (William Berger), who chastises her for being lustful (or taking a harmless interest in a boy in the woods). What would be seen as adolescence and maturity in a young girl is seen as inhuman and fit for punishment by the warped hypocritical religious figures in charge of her fate and Maria is soon locked in a convent for the duration of the film. The first nun to sexually abuse her is a Susan Sarandon look-a-like played by Ana Zanatti, she checks her hymen to see that its pristine and sends her off to pray. Not a few minutes goes by when poor Maria isn't prodded naked by ridged clothed lesbian nuns who pray to Satan amidst flickering candles. Mephistopheles shows up in an orgy scene that seemed to influence the "Year Zero" video by bubble gum doom metal mavens Ghost. http://vimeo.com/62694560

Get a haircut Hippie!

   Father Vicente and Mother Sarandon trick the girl into thinking she dreamt the orgy and incessant molesting and that she of course is to blame. 

   I think Jess Franco thinks of himself as an amateur gynecologist and Love Letters contains some excessively furry vestal cooters, Satan would smile and high five other demons indeed! 

Franco goes to town with the WiseBlood fire and brimstone, Hazel Motes style wrath of God punishment and why not, after all, this film is set in the 1600's or prime inquisition time, when the most harmless virginal lightweight actions forced the legion of the uptight to bring down the hammer of the gods, (to quote from the gospel of Page, Plant and Bonham).

A very stoned Susan Sarandon

   In Franco's mind, the original letters left the door open for Satan (represented in this version as a unicorn/man hybrid or the inspiration for the Dungeons & Dragons 80's cartoon villain Venger) to become involved. But in the original letters based on the writings of Mariana Alcoforado, there's no mention of devils, only supreme devotion and piety being equated with ultimate lust. Don't forget, this took place during the Conquest of Spain and rampant rape and abuse were still being practiced along with religious hysteria. This made actual love so out of the ordinary that it achieved the opposite-- taboo. Love Letters ends on such a hopeful note that its genuinely uplifting and after all the burning of innocent women scene in every sleazoid witch burning flick, its a welcome change of pace but also a complete fabrication, because as we all know, there was no real justice for the persecuted.

The next singer of Ghost, Herby Fux ladies and gentlemen

Well, Hello Man Servant Hecubus!

Last House On The Left 2

Last House On The Left 2 (Late Night Trains, New House On The Left, Night Train Murders) Directed By Aldo Lado. Starring Irene Miracle (1975).

   This film came out only three years after it's originator Last House On The Left, It shamelessly steals from the Wes Craven flick (which was a loosely based remake of The Virgin Spring). It starts off with two street punks assaulting Santa Claus during Christmas as the warbling goat voiced song "All You Need Is A Flower" by former Aphrodite's Child singer Demis Roussos plays over the credits. Aphrodite's Child were a great 60's psychedelic band that had soundtrack maven Vangelis in its roster. 

Don't be jealous of my sweet hat

   Curly(Gianfranco De grassi) and Blackie (Flavio Bucci) replace Weasel and Junior as they terrorize innocent shoppers. Director Aldo Lado like Jorge Grau's Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (which was the first to steal from NOTLD) capitalized on the Last House exploitation rip-a-thon that seemed to line the pockets of many Italian filmmakers for years to come (Ruggero Deodato at least had the sense to cast David Hess as his lead psycho in the fake Krug role). Hallmark, the company that distributed the original Last House also carried this one (Keep Repeating.. "It's Only A Ripoff").

  Two girls (one virginal and one promiscuous) are on their way home for Christmas aboard a train packed with smokers and wacky "Hard Days Night" style passengers.
   Irene Miracle (who I remember as the sexy girl with the wet t-shirt in the beginning of Dario Argento's Inferno) plays Margaret, the "Phyllis" copy. Laura D'Angelo is the fake "Mary". Flavia Bucci played the blind pianist in Suspiria whose seeing eye dog rips out his throat is Blackie. His partner is named Curly. Macha Meril is a veil wearing nympho, Blackie has sex with her in a bathroom and she joins their voyeuristic torture club. Almost of the these actors later went on to work with Dario Argento. Meril famously played the drooling psychic who is murdered right in the beginning of Deep Red. Curly is seen shooting up (like Junior Stillo, who mentions that he's sick from withdrawal). He incessantly plays the eerie Morricone harmonica theme and looks like a cross between Warwick Davis and Mick Jagger.

The word on the street is they're casting for Willow 2, here's my audition

  Instead of the "piss your pants" scene, all of the excruciating humiliation occurs in a train car bathed in blue light (as a creepy passengers peeps through the window in the background). There seems to be absolutely no security other than ticket takers. 

   The most revolting part happens when Lisa, is held down by both male and female characters and stabbed in the vagina with a switchblade! Macha tries to smooth things over by saying she once had a small incision on her hymen to terminate her virginity. Thanks for helping, but no thanks lady!There's no remorse at all in these characters as they dispose of Lisa's body. Irene Miracle tries to escape and runs around bottomless in sexy high boots, then jumps to her death!

Not Sadie, Weasel or Krug

   Once the passengers make their way to the "Last Stop On The Edge Of The Train Station", they are met by the vengeful father of one of the girls. They have dinner with the parents of the girl they murdered (sound familiar)? The Doctor later uses the metal stand attached to the plasma bag as a skewer instead of Gaylord Fields weapon of choice; the chainsaw. The father played by Enrico Maria Salerno also stabs Curly right through his dick! Unlike the chewjob giving mom that bit off Weasel's wiener, the mom in this stays out of it and lets the father handle the carnage. The most unforgivable sin the film commits however is letting the lady on the train get away.

You stabbed my favorite pair of testicles!

   Lado attempts to class up the joint by using a Morricone score and casting Macha Meril as a nameless nympho only referred to in the credits, as the lady on the train (she is most likely a left over combo of Sadie and Krug). Check out David Szulkin's excellent book on the making of Last House On The Left, which has an entire chapter on fake versions of the Craven/ Cunningham debut. As much of a blatant ripoff as this movie is, it's well crafted, stylized and a nice companion piece to the Wes Craven film. Both are great (one is untouchable)! I highly recommend both of them! The film was banned for awhile and on the Video Nasty list until Blue-Underground put out the DVD packed with extras.

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